Sarahelizabeth
Gold Member
Morning Jen! Just thinking of you and your mum-unfortunately all sounds so familiar.x
Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
- Thread starter FatFairNForty(ish)
- Start date
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Good morning...
I had a rough night but mum slept like a log, lol
I've got a stinking headache but at least all the housework is done, washing done, my bedding washed, dried and bed remade ready for sis.. in fact, she has nothing to do when she gets here.. so should be happy. Plus, the dishwasher has everything it needs, the washing is all done and the fridge and freezer re-stocked, the gate fixed and everything as it needs to be...
Mum not in great spirits this morning - to be expected I guess - and I am so tired - lol, she thinks that because she has a good night that whoever is here with her does too... lol Bless her..
I have an article to write for the bike club AGM booklet and need to submit that today but my heart's not in it.. I shall do it though.
It's my younger daughter's birthday this week and I have her present bought and wrapped and her card done and am leaving them here as she is coming down on Wednesday to see mum. It's the day mums bed arrives for downstairs.. *sigh. I don't think sis has sorted out a commode though! I have been looking at some online and we thought we had one sorted but there is more to find out about it first... it is a chemical loo one but I have a feeling that we would need to get it emptied by the council or something.. so.. back to the drawing board..
Think I may suggest we watch a dvd as soon as I get this stupid article written! Car is all packed with my stuff and the wheelchair is back in the kitchen - I doubt she will use it again, not willingly anyway. She had to take more morphine again in the early hours... sis should have got a repeat prescription for the oramorph! Good job I put it in on Friday as she could run out if not careful and that would be a disaster!! I have a feeling they will increase her slow-release morphine again this week... it seems to be the way things are heading.. I am trying to be all bright and breezy this morning but mum's no fool..
I have this shocking headache, feeling sick with it too, am sure it is stress and because I am going to have to leave her again for a few days.. I don't feel at all well - really feel like I'm going to throw up.. but I won't.. and, when I get home I shall head straight to bed.. I made sure the house was all set for me to do just that...
Ah well... must get on...
I had a rough night but mum slept like a log, lol
I've got a stinking headache but at least all the housework is done, washing done, my bedding washed, dried and bed remade ready for sis.. in fact, she has nothing to do when she gets here.. so should be happy. Plus, the dishwasher has everything it needs, the washing is all done and the fridge and freezer re-stocked, the gate fixed and everything as it needs to be...
Mum not in great spirits this morning - to be expected I guess - and I am so tired - lol, she thinks that because she has a good night that whoever is here with her does too... lol Bless her..
I have an article to write for the bike club AGM booklet and need to submit that today but my heart's not in it.. I shall do it though.
It's my younger daughter's birthday this week and I have her present bought and wrapped and her card done and am leaving them here as she is coming down on Wednesday to see mum. It's the day mums bed arrives for downstairs.. *sigh. I don't think sis has sorted out a commode though! I have been looking at some online and we thought we had one sorted but there is more to find out about it first... it is a chemical loo one but I have a feeling that we would need to get it emptied by the council or something.. so.. back to the drawing board..
Think I may suggest we watch a dvd as soon as I get this stupid article written! Car is all packed with my stuff and the wheelchair is back in the kitchen - I doubt she will use it again, not willingly anyway. She had to take more morphine again in the early hours... sis should have got a repeat prescription for the oramorph! Good job I put it in on Friday as she could run out if not careful and that would be a disaster!! I have a feeling they will increase her slow-release morphine again this week... it seems to be the way things are heading.. I am trying to be all bright and breezy this morning but mum's no fool..
I have this shocking headache, feeling sick with it too, am sure it is stress and because I am going to have to leave her again for a few days.. I don't feel at all well - really feel like I'm going to throw up.. but I won't.. and, when I get home I shall head straight to bed.. I made sure the house was all set for me to do just that...
Ah well... must get on...
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Mum and I watched Smokey and The Bandit this afternoon and that was lovely, although very uncomfy as the chair is a dining chair but it's the only way to sit with her in her bedroom... she was a much better colour and didn't need additional morphine as she is very comfortable in bed.. I am concerned about potential sores and noticed something on her back that I hadn't seen before - it doesn't hurt her but it is something new so I need to let the nurses know..
We had some lovely stuffed mushrooms for dinner and I loaded my car up and when mum settled down for an afternoon sleep I sat downstairs and waited for sis to arrive - she arrived an hour later than arranged.. but that was ok - I just sat reading.. but so very tired and dreaded the long drive home. Sis was in great form and surprisingly warm toward me... I think she realises just how much things are going to change now as we cannot leave mum alone for more than an hour now, in case she needs to get up to go to the bathroom and is too unsteady on her feet to be left alone. This is a shock to my sis as she is constantly leaving mum and going off to Luton or Watford.. and spends hours shopping or seeing friends... now she will see how it is for me when I am there - I am cross that she used to leave her anyway and she ought to do as I do, and organise her life around mum's needs as much as possible.. I mean,.. she has every Friday, Sat and Sunday to do what she wants as she has no work... in fact, when she arrived today she was laden down with Christmas presents for her grandchildren and her daughter! How did she afford those I wonder??? I can't afford to spend £25 on my daughters for Christmas so how come she can afford that on each grandchild and each child too!?? I think perhaps the benefits system is a good deal to be on! It sure looks like money is plentiful!!! This is the same woman who was moaning about how she was going to pay for her car tax !?? Hmm...
Oh well... I need to forget all that...
Hopefully when the bed arrives on Wednesday (arranged that way by sis - it is the day when I am due back there!)... and we can get mum settled in it on the Thursday - I have to put up a curtain rail and curtains and make the bed up and set everything out just right for her before we bring her downstairs... it all has to be perfect first. I can't put her through it unless it is just right.
I am dreading it though as it will be a really emotional event.. a sign of acceptance that the end is getting nearer.. I know that, and mum knows that...
Sis said today that if mum says anything to her about having good nights she is going to tell her that we don't even when she does!! I have asked her not to - it will make mum feel terribly guilty if she knows we're not sleeping for worrying about her!!! I don't want that - I am happy to keep on pretending to be sleeping well.. and be as upbeat as I can for as long as I can... I know, as a mum, if I thought my girls were suffering because of me, in any way at all, I would HATE it.. and it would make me feel very sad... so... I am hoping that sis thinks hard about it and decides to keep quiet...
I am already in bed but am desperately googling for bedding and curtains and curtain poles as I have to get that all sorted to take with me (or have delivered) on Wednesday... I have to find my cordless drill and charge it up as I am going to be putting up a rail and hanging curtains across the archway splitting the living room and dining room for my mum so she feels more like she is in a bedroom than a living room/dining room...
I can't explain how I feel right now - my head is pounding and my heart is breaking but at the same time I am determined to make the best of things for mum... this is a major major turning point for her and such a huge loss of independence... I cannot imagine how she must be feeling... it's awful... the only good thing is that she looks and was so much more comfortable in bed today.. but, she didn't get dressed.. *sigh* I think she will when she is downstairs... I for one shall encourage her to...
Right - must crack on - loads to do and wanting to get to sleep early as I can... work tomorrow but not in the mood for it AT ALL!
Thank you for the hugs and lovely words of comfort..xxxx
We had some lovely stuffed mushrooms for dinner and I loaded my car up and when mum settled down for an afternoon sleep I sat downstairs and waited for sis to arrive - she arrived an hour later than arranged.. but that was ok - I just sat reading.. but so very tired and dreaded the long drive home. Sis was in great form and surprisingly warm toward me... I think she realises just how much things are going to change now as we cannot leave mum alone for more than an hour now, in case she needs to get up to go to the bathroom and is too unsteady on her feet to be left alone. This is a shock to my sis as she is constantly leaving mum and going off to Luton or Watford.. and spends hours shopping or seeing friends... now she will see how it is for me when I am there - I am cross that she used to leave her anyway and she ought to do as I do, and organise her life around mum's needs as much as possible.. I mean,.. she has every Friday, Sat and Sunday to do what she wants as she has no work... in fact, when she arrived today she was laden down with Christmas presents for her grandchildren and her daughter! How did she afford those I wonder??? I can't afford to spend £25 on my daughters for Christmas so how come she can afford that on each grandchild and each child too!?? I think perhaps the benefits system is a good deal to be on! It sure looks like money is plentiful!!! This is the same woman who was moaning about how she was going to pay for her car tax !?? Hmm...
Oh well... I need to forget all that...
Hopefully when the bed arrives on Wednesday (arranged that way by sis - it is the day when I am due back there!)... and we can get mum settled in it on the Thursday - I have to put up a curtain rail and curtains and make the bed up and set everything out just right for her before we bring her downstairs... it all has to be perfect first. I can't put her through it unless it is just right.
I am dreading it though as it will be a really emotional event.. a sign of acceptance that the end is getting nearer.. I know that, and mum knows that...
Sis said today that if mum says anything to her about having good nights she is going to tell her that we don't even when she does!! I have asked her not to - it will make mum feel terribly guilty if she knows we're not sleeping for worrying about her!!! I don't want that - I am happy to keep on pretending to be sleeping well.. and be as upbeat as I can for as long as I can... I know, as a mum, if I thought my girls were suffering because of me, in any way at all, I would HATE it.. and it would make me feel very sad... so... I am hoping that sis thinks hard about it and decides to keep quiet...
I am already in bed but am desperately googling for bedding and curtains and curtain poles as I have to get that all sorted to take with me (or have delivered) on Wednesday... I have to find my cordless drill and charge it up as I am going to be putting up a rail and hanging curtains across the archway splitting the living room and dining room for my mum so she feels more like she is in a bedroom than a living room/dining room...
I can't explain how I feel right now - my head is pounding and my heart is breaking but at the same time I am determined to make the best of things for mum... this is a major major turning point for her and such a huge loss of independence... I cannot imagine how she must be feeling... it's awful... the only good thing is that she looks and was so much more comfortable in bed today.. but, she didn't get dressed.. *sigh* I think she will when she is downstairs... I for one shall encourage her to...
Right - must crack on - loads to do and wanting to get to sleep early as I can... work tomorrow but not in the mood for it AT ALL!
Thank you for the hugs and lovely words of comfort..xxxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Monday again... at work and not entirely useless... been cracking on with things here and have asked for Weds as holiday now - I just cannot physically fit in everything that has to be done otherwise! There really are NOT enough hours in the day! Today it's work, then mad dash home to ensure I am in for gas board coming to try and fix oven and fridge as oven isn't cooking evenly and fridge is leaking water... still trying to sort out the damage done by ASDA and their insurers are rubbish - not heard back to ANY of my phone calls nor my letter! I can SO do without this! Not got the promised quotes from fencer either which hacks me off... managed to order some bedding from Debenhams for mum last night and have reserved a heap of stuff from Dunelm for her too, which I shall have to pick up this evening.
Hope oven gets fixed as have to bake daughter's birthday cake tonight and buns too! Also need to try and get into the shed for my cordless drill! PLUS - after Dunelm I have to go into B&Q and get curtain rails.
I have rung mum this morning - she had another good night and said she watched Toy Story last night and loved it! (One of HWSNBN's dvds).. so that was good. I told her about the things ordered and said if she doesn't like ANY of it I can always take it back and no problems, and I won't be offended... which is very true... but I don't know WHEN I would be able to take it back, lol... am going to check with Dunelm about their returns policy...
I expect sis will end up choosing stuff and getting it despite tasking me to do so!
My eyes are stinging this morning and my head is pounding with a massive headache... another rotten restless night... but Mr Misery was in good form! The house was spotless too! He did make a point of telling me he had not gone out all day because he wanted to make the house nice for me!!! WTF!! I TOLD him to go out and enjoy the weather and his bike!! I don't WANT him to be a martyr on my account! Sorry, I know that sounds horribly ungrateful but I can just imagine him telling his friends that he wasn't going out on the ride because he was "being there for me" and "doing housework for Jennie" ... argh! I left the house is good order so really, all that needed doing was the bathroom (which I had already cleaned the loo and surfaces)... and maintaining the clean kitchen... and, as he is now working all day and I was only away from Thurs to Sunday , just HOW hard can that have been?????
Sorry but I KNOW this man and how he works... he will use this over and over... I can hear him in the future giving me the "but I was there for you, I did the cleaning for you, I did the garden for you, I stayed in for you"... *sigh* I know because I KNOW him, I have been here before... and it's not good... I don't WANT him to do anything anymore... yes, it was lovely coming home to a clean and tidy house, but you know what... it would be better to come home to an empty one! (except for the dog - who I may just take with me soon... as he and Charlie need to get used to one another before Charlie comes to live with us..).
I know I may come across as heartless where Mr Misery is concerned, but you have to live with him to know why I say what I say, and think what I think... I am so so glad he has this job. At least my house is my own for a few hours each day.
I am trying to get my mortgage changed to a better rate now and if I can do that then I will not need any lodgers... and so, I shall tell him I want him to go before the end of November.. I know it is hard but there it is... I am going to need the head space and the physical space... my other lodger moves out next summer so she can stay.. but I want my upstairs to be private again.. I hate that he leaves his bedroom door open as it means he can see me when I walk across the landing, and I have to do so to get to the bathroom or go downstairs... I tend to close it as I pass now... perhaps he will get the hint! (Doubtful though)..
Right - got to get on with these accounts and my list of jobs here in the office... at least if I DO things here my boss shouldn't mind all these last minute holiday requests...
I want to win the lottery so I can retire and look after my mum and my friends and girls.
I bought Christmas cards this week from the Iain Rennie Hospice at Home people (the folks nursing mum) and I just don't even want to think about Christmas.. I don't want it to come.. I have no time nor energy nor funds to buy presents.. and I hate the idea of it either being without mum or her last one... one of which will happen!
It's my birthday next month and seems such an awful long time away right now... I asked her for a Kindle when she was ok... now I don't care..and I know this is awful, but I just don't want her to die on my birthday... is that terribly selfish of me? I am not seeing her on my birthday - well, I might see her in the evening actually as may drive down after the NEC show from Birmingham just so I can see her... as it will be my last one I can see her on... if she is still here... *sigh* sorry.. it's Monday.. never a good day for me as I am away from mum and reflecting and trying to get my list done... sorry... cr@ppy day... feeling fat too so trying to stick to very low carbs and cd packs if possible.. I know I NEED energy but I am so aware that I am putting on weight and I cannot bear that... I have to lose it for the surgery in the new year.. I have to... no matter what... so... perhaps chicken and veg is what I should have.. or ping ding calorie counted meals or something... don't think that CD will be enough for my current needs... need to think about it.. want to exercise but hell, that's not gonna happen either.. lol
Mum told me last night she thought I was perfect as I was...*crying*
What AM I going to do without her....
Hope oven gets fixed as have to bake daughter's birthday cake tonight and buns too! Also need to try and get into the shed for my cordless drill! PLUS - after Dunelm I have to go into B&Q and get curtain rails.
I have rung mum this morning - she had another good night and said she watched Toy Story last night and loved it! (One of HWSNBN's dvds).. so that was good. I told her about the things ordered and said if she doesn't like ANY of it I can always take it back and no problems, and I won't be offended... which is very true... but I don't know WHEN I would be able to take it back, lol... am going to check with Dunelm about their returns policy...
I expect sis will end up choosing stuff and getting it despite tasking me to do so!
My eyes are stinging this morning and my head is pounding with a massive headache... another rotten restless night... but Mr Misery was in good form! The house was spotless too! He did make a point of telling me he had not gone out all day because he wanted to make the house nice for me!!! WTF!! I TOLD him to go out and enjoy the weather and his bike!! I don't WANT him to be a martyr on my account! Sorry, I know that sounds horribly ungrateful but I can just imagine him telling his friends that he wasn't going out on the ride because he was "being there for me" and "doing housework for Jennie" ... argh! I left the house is good order so really, all that needed doing was the bathroom (which I had already cleaned the loo and surfaces)... and maintaining the clean kitchen... and, as he is now working all day and I was only away from Thurs to Sunday , just HOW hard can that have been?????
Sorry but I KNOW this man and how he works... he will use this over and over... I can hear him in the future giving me the "but I was there for you, I did the cleaning for you, I did the garden for you, I stayed in for you"... *sigh* I know because I KNOW him, I have been here before... and it's not good... I don't WANT him to do anything anymore... yes, it was lovely coming home to a clean and tidy house, but you know what... it would be better to come home to an empty one! (except for the dog - who I may just take with me soon... as he and Charlie need to get used to one another before Charlie comes to live with us..).
I know I may come across as heartless where Mr Misery is concerned, but you have to live with him to know why I say what I say, and think what I think... I am so so glad he has this job. At least my house is my own for a few hours each day.
I am trying to get my mortgage changed to a better rate now and if I can do that then I will not need any lodgers... and so, I shall tell him I want him to go before the end of November.. I know it is hard but there it is... I am going to need the head space and the physical space... my other lodger moves out next summer so she can stay.. but I want my upstairs to be private again.. I hate that he leaves his bedroom door open as it means he can see me when I walk across the landing, and I have to do so to get to the bathroom or go downstairs... I tend to close it as I pass now... perhaps he will get the hint! (Doubtful though)..
Right - got to get on with these accounts and my list of jobs here in the office... at least if I DO things here my boss shouldn't mind all these last minute holiday requests...
I want to win the lottery so I can retire and look after my mum and my friends and girls.
I bought Christmas cards this week from the Iain Rennie Hospice at Home people (the folks nursing mum) and I just don't even want to think about Christmas.. I don't want it to come.. I have no time nor energy nor funds to buy presents.. and I hate the idea of it either being without mum or her last one... one of which will happen!
It's my birthday next month and seems such an awful long time away right now... I asked her for a Kindle when she was ok... now I don't care..and I know this is awful, but I just don't want her to die on my birthday... is that terribly selfish of me? I am not seeing her on my birthday - well, I might see her in the evening actually as may drive down after the NEC show from Birmingham just so I can see her... as it will be my last one I can see her on... if she is still here... *sigh* sorry.. it's Monday.. never a good day for me as I am away from mum and reflecting and trying to get my list done... sorry... cr@ppy day... feeling fat too so trying to stick to very low carbs and cd packs if possible.. I know I NEED energy but I am so aware that I am putting on weight and I cannot bear that... I have to lose it for the surgery in the new year.. I have to... no matter what... so... perhaps chicken and veg is what I should have.. or ping ding calorie counted meals or something... don't think that CD will be enough for my current needs... need to think about it.. want to exercise but hell, that's not gonna happen either.. lol
Mum told me last night she thought I was perfect as I was...*crying*
What AM I going to do without her....
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Another day dawns and all I can think about is mum... last night in my dreams there were fights and arguments with my sister and her kids.. I woke up very early this morning and feel shattered.
Yesterday was such a busy day... after work I went to Waitrose and bought mum some more bedding - I managed to get exactly the same duvet set as she currently has so I KNOW she will like it! plus sheets and then I shot home in time to wait in for the gas man.. whilst waiting I did some stock checking for the bike club items - we have our AGM on Sunday and I have to be ready for it.. so.. I began my preparations..
Gas man came, we THINK he has sorted the fridge out but he has to come back to fix the oven.. so, he's back on Monday. Whilst he was doing his thing I got all the ingredients weighed and measured ready to bake younger daughter's birthday cake... and when he left (after 3pm so just in time for the school run traffic!) I set off to fetch the items on order at Dunelm for mum's move downstairs... sis had texted to say the nurse was there and they were upping the morphine again.. and also that there are 2 new lumps appeared on mum, this time, on her left shoulder... she hasn't noticed them but sis has so, when I go tomorrow I shall have a look too... *sigh* Poor mum.
I got the duvet etc from Dunelm and made an impulse buy on some curtains and a pole for her as the ones I had reserved were boring so... fingers crossed that mum will approve... in all I spent over £300 on all the new bedding etc.. but we had discussed it beforehand so it was ok. I rang sis and explained that whilst mum shouldn't be thinking of such things, we need to think about things to come and the fact that we may need to change her bedding more so it was wise to get some sheets and pillowcases in for her. She doesn't need to know, they can be washed, dried and put away until we need them, but I deliberatly have bought identical sheets etc so that it isn't obvious. The less mobile she is the more marked her sheets are and I know she would be horrified if she realised, thankfully so far she hasn't noticed but that's because I whip the bedding off and wash it whilst she's downstairs watching tv ... haven't been able to do that since Saturday though as she was stuck upstairs - which is where she will remain until Thursday morning probably by which time I should have the curtain rail and new curtains up, the bed in situ and all made up, the dreaded commode in place and air freshners plugged in!
I spoke to sis about the commode too and told her I have bought a lidded nappy bucket so that, instead of struggling to carry a full commode bowl upstairs, we can simply empty outside into the bucket, put the lid on, clean the bowl and reinsert it, and then carry the bucket upstairs without fear of spillage or loss of balance and using one hand as mums stairs are not easy to manage whilst carrying stuff, plus, sis has terribly arthritic knees and hands so a bucket will be easier for her to cope with. She seemed horrified at the idea! Said perhaps we should get nappy sacks too???? How would that work? lol I wonder if there are disposable flushable commode liners that might do the trick - if not then I am definitely going to design and patent some!!!!
I am dreading moving mum downstairs... it is such an enormous step to make, and a statement of the nearing of the end too... further confirmation that death lurks cruelly around the corner...
I was reading something that says that we must always have hope and sometimes that hope is for comfort, peace and to be surrounded by those we love... so perhaps those are what my mum hopes for.
I have a card I want to write to her but the words aren't coming... I have told her repeatedly how much I love her, how sorry I am that she was upset about the missed phone calls back in May... how I had no idea she was ill and will never think of her as an old lady... I have thanked her for all the wonderful holidays and memories she has given me... for being such a wonderful mum... I have told her how I wish more than anything that I could make this all go away and fix it.. I've told her how I love my sister.. I've told her my future plans.. my hopes and dreams... my belief about her future... what heaven has in store for her... how fantastic it's going to be for her there... what joy she will have... and how it is something to look forward to.. she can be in no doubt that I mean everything I have said.. she knows I shall love and look after her darling dog, Charlie for her... (that will be fun!).. she knows I will make sure that all her wishes are carried out as she has directed... she knows I shall do everything properly and fairly.. she knows she can trust me... she has seen my girls and knows they love her and how much they love one another and me too...
For all these things, I am thankful. For I know that my mum will slip away one day, secure in the knowledge that she need not worry for us.. that she can rest easy knowing she has done a good job, left a wonderful legacy of love and memories...
I hope it brings her peace of mind as she faces these coming weeks.. for I now think it is only a matter of a few weeks...
I am going to ring the hospice nurses today and ask them their views.. and advice about the move downstairs... it is so sad, but also, hopefully, will be the right thing for mum.. I hope she won't regret the decision to come down... it means such a massive change to personal care etc... and mentally is a huge huge thing... selfishly I wish my sister was going to have to deal with the first few days of it all, lol, but she will not , it is up to me this time.. and I need to prepare myself to get on and do the very very best I can... because my mum deserves nothing less than the very very best.
Yesterday was such a busy day... after work I went to Waitrose and bought mum some more bedding - I managed to get exactly the same duvet set as she currently has so I KNOW she will like it! plus sheets and then I shot home in time to wait in for the gas man.. whilst waiting I did some stock checking for the bike club items - we have our AGM on Sunday and I have to be ready for it.. so.. I began my preparations..
Gas man came, we THINK he has sorted the fridge out but he has to come back to fix the oven.. so, he's back on Monday. Whilst he was doing his thing I got all the ingredients weighed and measured ready to bake younger daughter's birthday cake... and when he left (after 3pm so just in time for the school run traffic!) I set off to fetch the items on order at Dunelm for mum's move downstairs... sis had texted to say the nurse was there and they were upping the morphine again.. and also that there are 2 new lumps appeared on mum, this time, on her left shoulder... she hasn't noticed them but sis has so, when I go tomorrow I shall have a look too... *sigh* Poor mum.
I got the duvet etc from Dunelm and made an impulse buy on some curtains and a pole for her as the ones I had reserved were boring so... fingers crossed that mum will approve... in all I spent over £300 on all the new bedding etc.. but we had discussed it beforehand so it was ok. I rang sis and explained that whilst mum shouldn't be thinking of such things, we need to think about things to come and the fact that we may need to change her bedding more so it was wise to get some sheets and pillowcases in for her. She doesn't need to know, they can be washed, dried and put away until we need them, but I deliberatly have bought identical sheets etc so that it isn't obvious. The less mobile she is the more marked her sheets are and I know she would be horrified if she realised, thankfully so far she hasn't noticed but that's because I whip the bedding off and wash it whilst she's downstairs watching tv ... haven't been able to do that since Saturday though as she was stuck upstairs - which is where she will remain until Thursday morning probably by which time I should have the curtain rail and new curtains up, the bed in situ and all made up, the dreaded commode in place and air freshners plugged in!
I spoke to sis about the commode too and told her I have bought a lidded nappy bucket so that, instead of struggling to carry a full commode bowl upstairs, we can simply empty outside into the bucket, put the lid on, clean the bowl and reinsert it, and then carry the bucket upstairs without fear of spillage or loss of balance and using one hand as mums stairs are not easy to manage whilst carrying stuff, plus, sis has terribly arthritic knees and hands so a bucket will be easier for her to cope with. She seemed horrified at the idea! Said perhaps we should get nappy sacks too???? How would that work? lol I wonder if there are disposable flushable commode liners that might do the trick - if not then I am definitely going to design and patent some!!!!
I am dreading moving mum downstairs... it is such an enormous step to make, and a statement of the nearing of the end too... further confirmation that death lurks cruelly around the corner...
I was reading something that says that we must always have hope and sometimes that hope is for comfort, peace and to be surrounded by those we love... so perhaps those are what my mum hopes for.
I have a card I want to write to her but the words aren't coming... I have told her repeatedly how much I love her, how sorry I am that she was upset about the missed phone calls back in May... how I had no idea she was ill and will never think of her as an old lady... I have thanked her for all the wonderful holidays and memories she has given me... for being such a wonderful mum... I have told her how I wish more than anything that I could make this all go away and fix it.. I've told her how I love my sister.. I've told her my future plans.. my hopes and dreams... my belief about her future... what heaven has in store for her... how fantastic it's going to be for her there... what joy she will have... and how it is something to look forward to.. she can be in no doubt that I mean everything I have said.. she knows I shall love and look after her darling dog, Charlie for her... (that will be fun!).. she knows I will make sure that all her wishes are carried out as she has directed... she knows I shall do everything properly and fairly.. she knows she can trust me... she has seen my girls and knows they love her and how much they love one another and me too...
For all these things, I am thankful. For I know that my mum will slip away one day, secure in the knowledge that she need not worry for us.. that she can rest easy knowing she has done a good job, left a wonderful legacy of love and memories...
I hope it brings her peace of mind as she faces these coming weeks.. for I now think it is only a matter of a few weeks...
I am going to ring the hospice nurses today and ask them their views.. and advice about the move downstairs... it is so sad, but also, hopefully, will be the right thing for mum.. I hope she won't regret the decision to come down... it means such a massive change to personal care etc... and mentally is a huge huge thing... selfishly I wish my sister was going to have to deal with the first few days of it all, lol, but she will not , it is up to me this time.. and I need to prepare myself to get on and do the very very best I can... because my mum deserves nothing less than the very very best.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
I baked my daughter's cake and some muffins and fairy cakes too last night.. I didn't get the same enjoyment from it that I usually do.
I am decorating them tonight... this afternoon (after work) I am off to get my eyebrows waxed and then get rid of all the damn grey that's pushing it's way onto my hair!! Then, when finally home, it is more stock checking, packing for mums and decorating of cakes... I have to sort out the whole Asda fiasco too - I need written quotes for the replacement of the things they destroyed but the people who promised me them have let me down! Typical! I have also got to see if my house insurance covers my losing my ipod. I haven't seen it for over a month now and am gutted - I turned the house upside down looking for it and no joy - have been through every bag, cupboard, box, room, the car, jacket pockets etc etc.. and no sign. It is gone... I had photos on it and so much music and apps... oh well. I need to sell my old bike "poppet" as she is just standing doing nothing and it is such a waste. I need the money too as I want to pay back Mr Misery. He got all touchy-feely yesterday trying to "comfort" me and I just don't want him to! I really REALLY want him to move out. I am at the point now where, if I am not careful, I shall just tell him to go... and that's not fair.. but if he wasn't there I would be able to relax in my own home.. and that would be such a blessing..
I am decorating them tonight... this afternoon (after work) I am off to get my eyebrows waxed and then get rid of all the damn grey that's pushing it's way onto my hair!! Then, when finally home, it is more stock checking, packing for mums and decorating of cakes... I have to sort out the whole Asda fiasco too - I need written quotes for the replacement of the things they destroyed but the people who promised me them have let me down! Typical! I have also got to see if my house insurance covers my losing my ipod. I haven't seen it for over a month now and am gutted - I turned the house upside down looking for it and no joy - have been through every bag, cupboard, box, room, the car, jacket pockets etc etc.. and no sign. It is gone... I had photos on it and so much music and apps... oh well. I need to sell my old bike "poppet" as she is just standing doing nothing and it is such a waste. I need the money too as I want to pay back Mr Misery. He got all touchy-feely yesterday trying to "comfort" me and I just don't want him to! I really REALLY want him to move out. I am at the point now where, if I am not careful, I shall just tell him to go... and that's not fair.. but if he wasn't there I would be able to relax in my own home.. and that would be such a blessing..
Sarahelizabeth
Gold Member
Morning Petal! So much to take in and digest at the moment for you. I really feel for you and you have no idea how exhausted you are but I can assure you it will hit you. You are running on adrenalin at the moment and that in itself is tough. I was like you so can understand what and why you are doing all you do. Please accept help if you can-you don't want to make yourself ill. What good would you be then? Have you though about carers to help with bathing etc? I know mum may not like the idea (my Dad didn't either) but it was a case of necessity. Doing everything to make your mum more comfortable and in the way she would like is admirable but you are part of this equation too.
BTW there are commode liners! A good idea I think.
All the best and take care lovely. I am sure your mum is incredibly proud of you and the way you have handled this horrible situation.x
BTW there are commode liners! A good idea I think.
All the best and take care lovely. I am sure your mum is incredibly proud of you and the way you have handled this horrible situation.x
pandora
finding my way again !
I'm sure your mum appreciates everything being done for her by you , your dedication is above & beyond what a lot of people would do , although I know to you its second nature to just do it because you love your mum so much .
Take care of yourself , much love xxx
Take care of yourself , much love xxx
RasberryRed
Full Member
I think, you really might be superwoman... what courage and strength you have is always striking whenever I come back to your diary. You are amazing.
Pomooky125
Silver Member
Hi, thinking of you and wishing you lots of strength and love. Your posts are really poignant and make me well up! - Goodness knows how you must be feeling!
Pomooky XXX
Pomooky XXX
Hey Jennie,
been reading every day and thinking about you and your family - all my love and prayers ((Jennie))
and this may be useful?
Buy CareBag® Commode Liner - 1 x 20 bags - Toileting - £12.37 | Online Pharmacy, Internet Chemist
been reading every day and thinking about you and your family - all my love and prayers ((Jennie))
and this may be useful?
Buy CareBag® Commode Liner - 1 x 20 bags - Toileting - £12.37 | Online Pharmacy, Internet Chemist
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Wednesday has arrived and I have a whole mixed bag of emotions and thoughts running through my head! I have been up for hours - decorated my daughters very special birthday cake, muffins for the neighbours and G (renaming Mr Misery with his initial as quicker and he IS noticeably less miserable at the moment)...
Dreamt last night that I took my sister to task about all the money she has had over the years and it ended up with her telling me she had been taken to court and that's why she needed the money from mum.. she was distraught and I softened.. woke up to realise it was just a dream..
Have done all my packing, stock almost ready for Sunday - which is just as well as I have to be up in Birmingham by 8.30am on Sunday and have only got Saturday left in which to get it all ready!
I'm just going to get showered and dressed and load the car up and then, hopefully be on my way - am going to stop enroute to grab some healthy food for my lunch, a wireless doorbell (well let's face it, if mum was in hospital she would use a buzzer to call a nurse, so , I reckoned a wireless doorbell would be perfect - we can leave the "ringer" on the landing so we can hear it wherever we are in the house.. it's only a small house so it should work a treat - and - if she is upstairs and we are down we will still hear it (although I have a gut feeling that once she is down that will be that - she won't be up again...) I could be wrong - we shall see. I am going to suggest that she comes down tomorrow after I have showered her so it gives me time to set things out nicely downstairs for her, hang the curtains (oh blerks! I need to get the drill out of the shed!) ... and tidy up for her before she comes down..
Thank you so so much for all your kind words and especially for the commode liner link - I am going to see what kind of commode arrives today and then will order some immediately! I have decided to just DO things and THEN tell my sister- that way, it is done and stuff can always be returned if unsuitable but it saves time messing about!
I did all my washing yesterday so am hoping it is all dry so I can have clean stuff ready when I get home. Dishwasher is loaded and on, dog is fed and watered, mountain of stuff ready to shove into the car... I just need to double check my bike club orders and get the last few of those packaged up and I can send them off on my way too (will be going past the post office and the hardware store so will literally be, on my way!).
I had a free hairdo yesterday! Not sure if anyone remembers the guy who dumped me coz I snored? His name was Colin. Anyway - he left a lovely celtic gold ring here and despite my efforts some years ago to return it to him (remember his snotty new girlfriends nasty comments on the phone???) it has remained in a drawer.. so.. I took it out , took it to the jewellers and got £40 for it scrap value! LOL Result! It paid for the disappearance of my grey hair! lol LOVE IT!! (Forgive me if I repeat myself - head's a bit mushed up).. so, I may have already told you about that! I STILL cannot find my ipod and am wondering if it's worth contacting my house insurers about it... might call them tomorrow - too much going on today!
What else - oh yes... can't wait to see my daughter today... made her a HUGE butterfly cake (will take photos and post them up later tonight maybe)... am hoping she will love it!
Right - time to root around in the shed for this drill - hope it's where I think it is! Otherwise I shall be late getting there (even though mum's not expecting me before this afternoon...)
Will catch up later! xxxx
Dreamt last night that I took my sister to task about all the money she has had over the years and it ended up with her telling me she had been taken to court and that's why she needed the money from mum.. she was distraught and I softened.. woke up to realise it was just a dream..
Have done all my packing, stock almost ready for Sunday - which is just as well as I have to be up in Birmingham by 8.30am on Sunday and have only got Saturday left in which to get it all ready!
I'm just going to get showered and dressed and load the car up and then, hopefully be on my way - am going to stop enroute to grab some healthy food for my lunch, a wireless doorbell (well let's face it, if mum was in hospital she would use a buzzer to call a nurse, so , I reckoned a wireless doorbell would be perfect - we can leave the "ringer" on the landing so we can hear it wherever we are in the house.. it's only a small house so it should work a treat - and - if she is upstairs and we are down we will still hear it (although I have a gut feeling that once she is down that will be that - she won't be up again...) I could be wrong - we shall see. I am going to suggest that she comes down tomorrow after I have showered her so it gives me time to set things out nicely downstairs for her, hang the curtains (oh blerks! I need to get the drill out of the shed!) ... and tidy up for her before she comes down..
Thank you so so much for all your kind words and especially for the commode liner link - I am going to see what kind of commode arrives today and then will order some immediately! I have decided to just DO things and THEN tell my sister- that way, it is done and stuff can always be returned if unsuitable but it saves time messing about!
I did all my washing yesterday so am hoping it is all dry so I can have clean stuff ready when I get home. Dishwasher is loaded and on, dog is fed and watered, mountain of stuff ready to shove into the car... I just need to double check my bike club orders and get the last few of those packaged up and I can send them off on my way too (will be going past the post office and the hardware store so will literally be, on my way!).
I had a free hairdo yesterday! Not sure if anyone remembers the guy who dumped me coz I snored? His name was Colin. Anyway - he left a lovely celtic gold ring here and despite my efforts some years ago to return it to him (remember his snotty new girlfriends nasty comments on the phone???) it has remained in a drawer.. so.. I took it out , took it to the jewellers and got £40 for it scrap value! LOL Result! It paid for the disappearance of my grey hair! lol LOVE IT!! (Forgive me if I repeat myself - head's a bit mushed up).. so, I may have already told you about that! I STILL cannot find my ipod and am wondering if it's worth contacting my house insurers about it... might call them tomorrow - too much going on today!
What else - oh yes... can't wait to see my daughter today... made her a HUGE butterfly cake (will take photos and post them up later tonight maybe)... am hoping she will love it!
Right - time to root around in the shed for this drill - hope it's where I think it is! Otherwise I shall be late getting there (even though mum's not expecting me before this afternoon...)
Will catch up later! xxxx
Redpam
Living the Life
Wishing you luck with all the work in moving your Mum downstairs. Just look on it as a change of bedroom. If she lived in a bungalow she would be on the ground floor anyway.
We have used a wireless door bell so that Mum can alert us at night for years. It is the ideal thing although it can be a bit confusing when you are woken by it.
The bucket for the commode is ideal because that is what Mum uses to empty her commode when she is mobile. They are no big deal to empty. My aunt had a chemical commode, but all the man who came to empty it did was pour it down the outside drain.
Thinking of you.
Pam
We have used a wireless door bell so that Mum can alert us at night for years. It is the ideal thing although it can be a bit confusing when you are woken by it.
The bucket for the commode is ideal because that is what Mum uses to empty her commode when she is mobile. They are no big deal to empty. My aunt had a chemical commode, but all the man who came to empty it did was pour it down the outside drain.
Thinking of you.
Pam
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Just popping on very briefly - will update properly tomorrow... but.. I am seething! Mum has given her car to Sis's boyfriend at last but instead of signing it all over to him she has ADDED him to her insurance policy AND given him the car and signed the paperwork but not dated it!!!! I am incensed! HOW can my sister allow it??? Where are her morals???? PLUS - mum refused to add ME to the car insurance months ago when she told me I was no longer on it because she said she didn't want to spend the extra money!!! FFS!! Just someone PLEASE tell me WHY I should not feel ultra mega SERIOUSLY hacked off about this????!!!!!! How DARE they take advantage of mum like this - she spent out over £300 last month on the damn car for a whole new exhaust system and now, instead of cancelling her insurance and getting a refund she is PAYING OUT MORE!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY!!!!!!!!
pandora
finding my way again !
I can completely understand how you feel & you have every right to do so . When the estate is divided that should come out of your sis
half . Sorry to say it Jen but mercenary is the word that comes to mind , esp when treating your own mum like it .
Stay strong hunni , your time will come Xxxxx
half . Sorry to say it Jen but mercenary is the word that comes to mind , esp when treating your own mum like it .
Stay strong hunni , your time will come Xxxxx
Eclipse
Gold Member
I agree with Pandora and I too would be seething. We talked about this in the summer and unfortunately, things are not going to change, you will just have to keep a note of what, when and how much so that eventually it will be evened out x
Chin up darling, and carry on as you are x x x
Chin up darling, and carry on as you are x x x
