and so to today..
Friday January 12th
You guessed it.. lol..Mr K rang to wake me..
I do love his early morning calls.. they put a smile on my face and a spring in my step..
So., as Zoe doesn't go to college on Fridays I took more time over getting ready for work and put on my new size 20 jersey top and one of my favourite T-shirts over the top. I love the colour of it more than anything else.. it's sort of a peachy/coral kind of tone. Right.. off to work and once again, got stuck in! Loads done and loads still to do. My friend Rachael called in and we exchanged Christmas presents.. she said how nice it was to see me happy again
I must confess.. for the most part I do feel happy these days!
Must be something in the air..
Work done (an extra hour) and it was off to pay the mortgage. Normally I get very nervous about this trip as (and forgive me if I am repeating myself) but I was followed by a man once when I went to make this trip, and for the one and only time in my life, I felt in real and grave danger. So, subsequent trips have been pretty difficult. I have left it very late in the month and am cross about that but at least I managed it this time! I have to walk past Evans and they had Sale signs up.. so I went in.. do youknow something?? I am so cheesed off about this.. lol.. I love to wear stockings and suspenders.. yes, I know.. even at my size, but I do.. and for months now I have been trying to buy some new stockings from evans (as that is where I have always bought them) and would you believe it.. they still sell sussy belts but NO stockings!!! How mad is that!!!???
I huffed at them and pouted but it got me nowhere.. lololol.. so I decided that when I have lost enough I shall have to nip into Anne Summers or somewhere else and buy some normal sized ones.. see., I hate tights.. all that leg rubbing at the top and friction burns,,.I'm amazed I haven't caught fire!!
I left Evans empty-handed.. and headed for the building society.,.mortgage paid and it was into the bank next door and pay in cheques for work.. then into the bank next door to them and pay in my wages cheque (will take a week to clear!!).. so at least that's those jobs done now!
Nipped into Woolworths.. why does the chocolate look so much tastier when it's half price??? Anyway.. managed to resist the monster boxes of Guilyan chocs and party cases of everything else and bought some more ramekin dishes (to make muffins in) and a new bath mat.. exciting eh
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Then it was home (via the petrol station to make sure I have a full tank for the morning).. copy of The Times and home at last. Mr K has been in my head all day.. I have so much going on up there.. I want to share it all with you but it's not a dating diary, its my weight loss diary.. but maybe I'll share some of it..
Anyway, checked the top of the fridge for the cat and made my soup and a muffin and sat down with them and a pint of water.. and 'Bones' was on! Managed to watch that and then fell asleep in the chair! Only to be woken by Sarah who is dead chuffed with herself (and rightly so) as she has handed in a major piece of work today at Uni
She was in the mood to chat, I was in the mood to sleep.. lol.. I listened (but with my eyes closed).
I fell asleep again as soon as we said cheerio and then the doorbell rang and it was one of Zoes friends.. so I took the time to look through the jobs paper I had picked up last night.. lots of interesting jobs going. The problem is..well.. I have lots of qualifications but little working confidence any more.. I know you probably won't believe that, but it's true.
On paper I can flippin almost work miracles.. in reality I shy away from responsibility and stress.. and have hidden my light under a bush for so many years now I think it's almost gone out! So.. I need to dust off my CV, revamp it and get applying.
I rang about the london job again and still have heard nothing.. but I'll keep trying! In the meantime I'll hunt for something else.. if nothing else the interviews will be good practice, and they are the reason I bought the new clothes as I want to look smart.
Mr K rang on his way home from work.. he is very tired tonight, particularly tough time for him but things will get better in time. We had a conversation about a number of things.. some of which I have been thinking lots about. Too much. lol So.. I need to just step back and have a good hard think. As I said.. loads I want to share with you about my emotions.. but not sure I can. *sigh
Having woken fully from my armchair dreaming I decided to get on with some chores.. that way when I go in the morning to Ashford I shan't feel bad about the way I have left things.. lol.. so. I vacc'ed and polished downstairs.. cleaned the cloakroom... tidied up (yet again) in the kitchen and oh yeah, I did a load of washing before work this morning and what a pillock! I put a new red top in with everything.. and one of my favourite blue and white tops is now pink and white!! I am gutted as I wanted to wear it tomorrow!! Might have to wash my coral t-shirt and wear that again.. it's the colour.. it's lovely!
So.. housework done.. it was time to get on here..and here I have stayed.. apart from some time with Mr K in msn land.. although I didn't have his undivided attention as he was also visiting the site we met through at the same time..
I have a bit of a problem with that as I like to give him 100% attention as much as I can.. so I have this thing called my GEM (green-eyed-monster) which pops up and whispers really nasty stuff in my ear and tries to convince me that the women on the site will be after him all the time.. especially while I am away.. I hate my GEM.. she is so destructive. I think she only makes an appearance because I am so afraid of being hurt again. And believe me, Mr K has the potential to hurt me BIG style.. and not because he is horrid or anything, but quite the opposite! Because he is SO lovely!
I feel very very scared at the moment, and about as vulnerable as a gal can get! and yet... it feels so good.. he is so lovely.. he is out of practice with dealing with affection and real true heartfelt emotions.. it's going to take him time to fall naturally into this wave of deep affection.. I don't want to lose him by being a jealous and insecure bint.. so am gonna try and focus on all the positives.. and look forward.. dream good dreams.. think positive thoughts..
the thing is.. I really like him.. and I mean REALLY like him.. and he tells me that he REALLY likes me too.. and I want to believe him.. because he is doing everything he can to show me he does... and yet there is still that horrid hurting history of mine that nags me to hang back.. but you know what..? I don't want to.. we only have one crack at this life and it is NOW!!
God my head is all over the place tonight.. a mixture of fatigue and emotion.. and also dread about tomorrow and what I will find when I go to see my darling friend.. I so wish that I was just going down for a fun weekend.. but I'm not.. and I shall be thinking of the others on this site who will be visiting family and friends in hospitals too..
I've stuck to the diet today ok... but I do so want to eat something.. proper food.. I had to drive past Pizza Hut twice today.. and it was even more tempting than usual.. so I'm glad the lights were green so I could just pass it by fairly quickly.
I'm taking all my packs with me tomorrow and have told Richard not to cater for me.. am glad that I won't need to take the sleeping bag and airbed after all.. he is at his dad's place which is a very big house with plenty bedrooms and I shall sleep comfortably! I'm glad as I didn't fancy sleeping on the floor,but I would've! lol Also.. today.. my mate Simon rang me to say he was ill and so we wouldn't be going to the wedding next weekend!
I have mixed feelings about this.. and later on he texted me to say we were going but not staying at the hotel but I can stay at his flat instead.. NO WAY!!!
I took the advice of a friend and told him that if we weren't staying over then I wasn't going as I didn't want to face all that driving without proper rest (which is true as he would want to drink and I would end up driving and I'm not playing taxis!). So.. we spoke later on this evening and it transpires that he got Moroccan Flu whilst on hols in Spain and it wiped out his bank balance as he had to pay for his treatment so he can't afford the hotel AND the petrol!! So.. not only did he expect me to do all the driving (its an hour to his place from here first!).. but.. he also expected me to foot the bill!! cheeky sod! lol So.. I'm not going and that damn dress was a complete waste of money.. it will be too big to wear soon AND I have no functions to wear it to now!!
I am NOT pleased.. it really hasn't been the best of days..! So.. on that sour and negative note I'm off to bed.. (well, have to read some more threads first of course..) and then bed.. Mr K is ringing me in the morning..
You know what.. the thought of that makes all the crappiness vanish into a puff of smoke..
I will share more about my mixed emotions another time.. they really are VERY muddled.. and I don't want them to be..
Night night.. and thanks you guys for being with me on this.. I couldn't do it without you all. If you have faith of any kind.. do me a favour please.. pray my mate improves and that my GEM will go away and stay away and that Mr K and I are right for one another.. because even though it feels like we are.. GEM and my hurts are not helping!
Thanks, you are the best xxxxxxxx See you Sunday sometime! Night night all xx
