Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

Minerva said:
:( My thoughts go out to you BL. I didn't realise it would happen so soon, I was hoping that you would get a chance to visit one more time like you wanted.
On my trip to Moscow I took a camera and took pictures of absolutely everything, even did a small video just walking around the flat. I even took pictures of silly things like doorhandles and such because they reminded me of so much... Is there any chance you could get someone over there to do the same? Perhaps a video - it would be the next best thing. I fear if you don't get at least something - you may always feel that you never got a chance for complete and proper closure. If I was in your situation I would feel robbed of that opportunity...
Also, think of one single item in that place that was really special to you... and ask for it to be sent over to the UK. Put it in a place of honour and in time it will become that 'little piece of home' which keeps you grounded to the land of the living. Strange way to put it - but mourning really does take you to a place of the dead. Nothing matters and you literally can't hear or do anything... Keep holding on to the special things that 'wake you up'.

Hugs to you and best wishes. xx
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Thanks lovey. I did soe of taht already - when we were there and mom had her accident, I took hundreds of photos outside, of her beautiful garden, and also videoed itjust like you, a slow walk around, every tree, flower, shrub, etc.

I also took with me that trip a Lava rock that has been in her garden since before I was born. That is now on our land, up on the mountain and I am going to make a little memory garden. Her bird bath is there too, so I have those tings from the garden.

I emailed my bro earlier today and asked him to take photos inside. I understand taking photos of door knobs. I really do. There are things in that house, that have been in exactly the same place every single day of my life. Constants. Everything has meaning. I understand.

Thank you. I know you understand.

I wished I had another chance - I was so out of it with everything at Moms funeral, it didn;t register that would probably be the last time I was there. If I had been, I would have hugged my tree goodbye and said a proper goodbye to the home. I am very sad I probably wontget to do that.

ITs more then a home. It has heart, it has soul. The happiest times of my life were there.

Thank you for knowing what its like.
xxxx
 
coley144 said:
Sounds bizarre but I am a bit jealous of your connection here to your family home. I have some really bad memories connected to mine so was relieved when it was sold.

I suppose what I am saying is that, whilst this IS hard (and I'm not trying to minimise that), you have great memories that others don't. You already have a wonderful souvenir in that. I hope that will help you with this. x
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Not bizarre at all. I know one day, those memories will be a beautiful thing, just like the memories of mom will be.

But right now, they are just painful. All they do is hurt. I can't wait till they bring comfort.

I never for a moment forget how lucky I am to have such wonderful memories.

I was truly blessed, and probably had a childhood many people only dream of. It really was textbook perfect.

At moms funeral, a friend I have know my ENTIRE life - since 2 months old in the playpen - had this to say, "The only other place you will have seen a family like the Pences, was on a TV sitcom. They simply did not exist, except in their home."

We were AMAZINGLY lucky. I wish everyone could know what that was like.

Thank you Coley. <<hugs>>

One day the memories will help, but now they only bring tears. But that will change in time, when it all is not so raw.

xxx
 
So sorry hun - another huge hurdle xxxx
 
Things I am remembering, as I get ready to relaunch...

It's only food.
It's only temporary.
If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer.
Food only masks pain, it does not remove it.
I am worth taking care of.
Nothing tastes as good as being slim feels.
I CHOOSE to abstain.

Getting close.
 
Here's my latest - don't choose the food, choose you!
 
Well, here we go. Day one. Wish me luck - I will need it. This feels far more difficult, shifting this 1 or 2 stone, then it did facing the 10 stone I lost initially. I don;t know if it is because the emotions I am fighting are more current, then those that had been buried for years - or what - but it feels scary.

But I am gathering all the strenght and courgae I can to face this head on and get it over with. Unlike Min, I can't wait to get this off of me. I feel different physically (pain wise) then I had the past two years, n I don't like it.

Going to be tough - but tough is not impossible.

I have not even weighed myself for starting. I don;t want to know. So I am just getting it off me. Will start weighing in a few eeks probalby but I don;t want to focus on numbers, or become obesessed with it all - I just want to know it is leaving my body. lol

Here we go.....
xx
 
Well, day two, also amazingly easy. I don;t get it. I know I am not in Ketosis yet, but I could easily have only had 2 packs today. (I am doing Exante to save money, so we only get 3,) but still. It's so strange. The last several weeks, I could have eaten for England. I didn;t - but I could have. And now, that feeling is gone. Wierd.

I am so glad I stopped my non-starter last week. I obviously was not in the right head space. I guess I am now.

I find it so interesting, for me, the last 2 months, I used food for comfort. SOmetimes more than others - but it was a bit insane. All I could think of was food. I did not give in every time - but I gave in plenty of times. And always felt like, I need more more more.

BUt the moment I start this.....all that goes away. What changes. As said, not in ketosis yet - but just 2 days on and I feel I have my control back, and I don't think about what I can (or cant have) now - its just not important.

Food is such a psychological thing. I will never fully understand the pull it has, and what I get out of it.

I am just grateful to be feeling good about this now, where last week it was just not happening. I worried it might be a long time = and was worried about what damage I might do.

I did have a reality check though when I was panicking about the weight I put on during and after moms accident, funeral, etc. I was really feeeling so down about it, and so worried I was going to end up where I was. Then I realised, I only went up to a size 14. When I hit maintenance I got to 10/12's but mostly 12's. So one size....and not even a large size!! lol, I mean, I was a 26/28 when I started LL. And here I was thinking the world had caved in because I was in a size 14.

Again - its so much the psychological aspect that can really trip me up.

I know its still early days, and there is a lot of sadness and sorrow and regret I will have to work through. BUt I know I will never lose control completely, and that I will get through this, and I will get back to where I was.

I have learned, for me, to always stay conscious. If I wobble, at least I am aware I am wobbling and doing so with the attitude of "OK - go ahead and wobble IF I am prepared to pay the consequences, and I must pay." So if I put on a bit - its OK - because I know I can take it off again.

Hard to explain, but it makes sense in my head.

It feels good to feel in control again. Early days - one day at a time - I will get there, when I get there.
 
*sends hugs* It's all a very funny thing. The weeks, months, and especially last few days of solid mental preparation for tacking 'the weight gain' definitely helps. Maybe in some strange way you also received a mourning stop point. Last week it was confirmed that your home will be sold - so in some way you can't yearn for something physical anymore. There is no moment in time that you are still WAITING FOR which is prolonging the excessive depressive feeling. It's sometimes the *waiting for something* which also drives us mad.

The pain of loss will always be excruciating... I know it, I still do get glimpses of it all. But because it had a definitive final chapter (my visit to Moscow) I find that I am able to be more focused on what I need to do now rather than drift off into melancholy. For you perhaps it was the final visit to your childhood home - but it was far away in all aspects of the word. I am so very sorry you may not get the chance to see it anymore - but perhaps for some sanity point of view it's for the best...? I know that if closure was still floating in the future somewhere and out of reach I'd have gone even more insane.

Cherish what you do have left over from past memories and the present life you have now. Try to smile at the times gone by because you were lucky to have had them. If you can't yet, that time will come.

Sending love, take care of yourself... :) You're doing fantastically well. We'll both get there. xx
 
Minerva said:
* Cherish what you do have left over from past memories and the present life you have now. Try to smile at the times gone by because you were lucky to have had them. If you can't yet, that time will come.

Sending love, take care of yourself... :) You're doing fantastically well. We'll both get there. xx
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Thanks hon. Ya know, I have bucket loads of fantastic memories. But right now, they only hurt and make me sad. But in time, as the pain goes away it will be replaced. I treasure them. But not yet.

We will get there. :)

I started seeing a Grief counselor yesterday, and I really liked her. I think it will help.

There was so much trauma involved with moms death, and the fact I am constantly having flashbacks of things I saw, and experienced - not only moms suffering, but there was really some awful stuff witnessed in the ward in the hospital - I felt I needed help to get through that properly. So I went.

It will be good to have someone to talk to who can help me through it, professionally....I don't want to do it wrong.

I got stuck in giref for my father and it took me years andyears and years to get over him. Well, to move on really. You never really get over losing someone -you just leran to putit all in the proper place

SO here's hoping the beginning of mending has begun. Fingers crossed.

xx

Feeling good on the diet - think I am in ketosis.today is day 5 - and there has not ben any wobbles or temptations - so thats a relief. So glad I stopped my non-starter and got my head right. Makes such a difference.

xx
 
Today isa hard day.

Today is hard. Very hard.

In 3 hours, across the atlantic, my mothers home will be open for strangers to come walk through it and pick it apart.

Its an open house, and it sickens and saddens me to think of strangers walking around, critisizing things....completely unaware of the houses wonderful history.

I try not to think about it, but its hard.

And my chatterbox is very very aware....I have such a strong urge for food. I am not going to give in, but it is very unpleasant.

It was never meant to be like this. The house was always going to stay ours. Its just so wrong, and so sad.

I don;t think anyone will love it like I do.

Truth be told, I expect it will be bought for the land, and destroyed. And that is at times too much to think about.

The house my father built, room I grew up in, the tree I got married under, the garden mom and I planted, the kitchen I learned to cook in, the family room we used to watch TV shows as a family, the dining room where our days were discussed every night, the fireplace our stockings hung on at christmas, the rockes I used to sit on and day dream.....all gone.

My heart aches.

I wish it were tomorrow.

My mind, I wish it would be silent. <sigh>

xxx
 
BL I'm so sorry you feel so sad. You write so beautifully, maybe when you feel a little stronger could it be cathartic for you to write all these special memories of your family and home down? Heartbreaking at the same time, but maybe then you would be able to "step away" from your thoughts without worrying that your memories of occasions or details would fade. Stay strong x
 
:wave_cry:Hi BL , bless you my heart really does go out to you
remember we are all here for you , sending you a real BIG hug
xx
 
All hugs glady received Tracy. :) Thank you.

Heard from my brother....the open house was busy. BUt a lot of neighbours showed up which kind of bothers me. I don;t know why. I guess because they are not going to buy the house, they just snooped around and were being nosy. Or maybe they needed to. I don;t know.

One agent called our realtor and told her she had a client who was very very interested.

I should be happy, as we have to sell.....but its hard to get excited about it.

Anyway - thats life.

Its so humid out. :( I hate it when its like this.
 
awww BL i soooooo want to eat something today aswell, can almost taste food :(
 
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