Hi everyone. Thank you for your posts.
I have been home a week now, and am so glad its Friday - I am absolutely exhausted. Each night this week I have struggled to make it through to a reasonable bed time, and then I can't sleep. A mixture of jet lag, grief, and sheer exhaustion.
I don't really know how I am feeling. There is so many emotions that run through my head on a daily basis.
I just know, I miss my mom, terribly....and can't grasp, that I am now a child without parents. Its a very odd feeling. I just miss her so much.....even though I always missed her, that I only saw her twice a year for the past 8 years - I miss her so much now, it can be all consuming at time.
Other times, I feel a sense of calm. I think because it was so blindingly awful and painful - seeing her in hospital, what we went through - not much could feel worse then that. I will never forget that. Those were the darkest weeks of my life. The very darkest. I still feel sick thinking what it must have been like for her. It makes my heart physically ache when I think about it.
And when I see her, in her moments of consiousness where she reached out to me with a wavering arm, wires and all, to stroke my cheek, and smile with her eyes because she could no longer speak.....it just brings me to my knees with deep sorrow....
I will miss her forever.
There is still so much to think about, and to worry about. But right now, its just time to try and adjust into my new life.
I am not doing too bad food wise. I did take packs with me to the states - but because we were staying an hour from moms house, and had to be there every day for the first few days, and meeting with my brothers, last minute funeral preps, etc., it became a real nuisance staying on the packs....so I decided to come off them afterall and bring them back home with me to do here. Sod it. Right now, my weight or figure is the least of my concerns.
The crazy manic pain is gone, so I do not feel the need to stuff myself. And have been making pretty healthy choices most of the time. Next week, when I feel it, I will go back on the packs and carry on where I left off. I am not concerned, or worried. I will do it. Its just not my main focus at the moment.
I am now, counting the days that we have to wait before moms little doggy can come live with us. All the promises made to mom when she was alive, about how friends promised to look after Muffin if anything happened to mom fell flat when it came time to do what was promised. So, my husband and I agreed to bring her back here to England. Her carer and my ex-friends idea of "looking after Muffin" for mom was to return her to a shelter. She has already been rescued 3 times. Poor little thing did not need that. So she became ours.
In the time we spent there, I have bonded with her like no other dog I have had and I am head over heels in love with her, and she with me. Its amazing. I miss her so much, I cry at night. I long to have her to hold again and cuddle. She is a little piece of mom to me, and I am to her - and we need each other....and the bond is already firmly in place. 4 months I have left to wait. She is with mybirth-mom now, and is in good hands and will be loved.....but I need her and cannot wait. She brought me so much comfort, I can't begin to describe it.
So once she is here I will feel happier. I am counting the days and watching the clock. Time is slow.
My ex-friend returned all the photographs she had of me. We have known each other since I was 15. 35 years. She also witheld my birthday present from my mom, and gave it to me after mom died. She is a cold b*tch. I could not now, of course, thank mom for the aboslutely beautiful white gold heart pendant with a row of tiny diamonds. I was overwhelmed when I finally received it. It means the world to me....and would have liked the oppoertunity to tell mom how much it meant to me. But she took that opportunity away from me.
After 35 years, I never expected such cold, callous, evil behaviour from someone I considered a lifelong friend. But i feel no sadness over it. I feel nothing. I do not miss her, nor want to make amends. I want nothing from her, and she is nothing to me. I have no time in my life for people with such a heartless streak. She has shown her tru colours, and I have plenty of genuine friends - I will lose very littel by the end of this friendship. I know this now.
Next loss I am facing, is the sale of the only home I have never known. My childhood home, that mom and dda built - will have to be sold. I can't bring myself to really think about that. Its too painful. It will be like another death. My heart, it still lives there much of the time. I have the most wonderful memories of that home, and cannot believe that soon, I will never be able to be in it again, or to wander moms beautiful garden, or sit under my favourite tree in the whole world, or day dream in my bedroom, or sit by the fire with my mom, no more christmas' there - no more familiar sights sounds and smells.
Sounds funny, but the idea of not having that address or even that same telephone number that has been there for 60+ years - it's all over.
Its just a very sad time right now. I get through the days. I smile. I laugh. But I don;t feel it. It's all empty. But it keeps others comfortable.
Its hard.
And its only just begun.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
