And what a year it has been
Well I think it is time I update my diary. I have made a few entries, but nothing of great substance. Not that I can remember anyway.
Must warn, there will be plent of food talk. And plenty of typos, just cause I cant be bothered to proof this. lol
As we know, the first year anniversary of moms death has just passed, and I have been doing a lot of reflecting on this past year.
I have really made a mess of it. But it was such an awful year, I don't feel I need to punish myself - I think I paid enough.
But my weight is up. This year, it has been up and down like a lift on crack. I can't keep track of it it has changed so much.
In retrospect, I see now that I threw almost all I had learned out the window. Through all the darkness I didn;t realise I had - but I sure did.
I am such a creature needing comfort, and there seem to be two places that I can count on for that feeling. Food, and shopping. ANd both become a compulsion - an obession. I really don;t know how to "just be" most of the time. I seem to always want more more more. WHatever it is. Stuff and things or food.
Half of the year I coped with it all by shopping. Now I am paying for that. I am lucky I have a forgiving and understanding hubby. Not to say he was not well angry woith me - and so he should have been. But he understands, and that is a very good thing.
The other half of the year, I baked my way through the grief. It started innocently enough. Baking for my husband. And then when moms dog arrive, I started baking dog treats for her too. So I was baking for him, and for her.
I found the act of kneading dough was so grounding, so earty and so comforting, I could not get enough of it. I had never made homemade bread without a machine before and when I started having success, and getting the satisfaction and comfort I needed (haha no pun) from kneading - well, the shopping stopped and this became m y obsession. It wasn't too long before I was baking for him, for her and for me.
Carbs!! Of all things - Ishould have KNOWN better. But I lost myself in it. And my weight started to go up. SO back on packs, and my weight went down. Off the packs, my weight went up. Back on - down. And so on.
Somewhere in it all, there is a connection to moms death. THe very first thing I did on the night I got the call from mybrother that she had died - once I stopped crying for some unknown reason, I HAD to make scones. Something I never made in my life. I jut needed to bake something to distract me from the news I received - nevermind it was 1am in the morning.
So I am pretty sure, somewhere therin lies the connection - mom died - I started baking as a distraction - and never stopped. Perhaps trying to distract me from the whole horrid event.
In any event, last weekend myhusband sat me down and asked me, "You have gained back everthing you lost this last time, haven;t you?" (Not my entire 10 stone!! thank god - but the 2 stone I lost on my last (and I mean LAST) time in abstinance.
At first I was angry. Then I was ashamed and embarrassed and got very defensive. Then succombed, and admitteds I had become obsessid with baking which lead to an obsession with food. I should have known better. In RTM bread was my biggest trigger.
I wanted to dissappear. I knew I had dissapointed him. Or felt I had. I could not bear forhim to look at me. I felt he was seeing every single bulge here and there where the weight came back. It was awful. And depressing. I jut felt like such a loser, and was so ashamed.
But ya know what. It was the slap I needed. It woke me up to face that I was out of control.
So this past week, I have been recalling everything I did that was successful in RTM and for the couple of years after that I maintained. I had strayed so far off the mark, it was not even funny. And I never saw it happening - or,if I am honest - I looked the other way when I thught I was seeing it happen. Denial. I was comforting myself because after the year I had I felt I deserved comfort. And I did. But why did I do something that hurts me??
ANyway - I feel I am slowly getting a grip back on myself. I have stopped some of the bad habits straight away. Way too much coffee with milk has been replaced again with giant bottles of water.
The baking has stopped. This is the first weeken in months and months I dont have dough rising, or biscotti baking, or foccacia on the go, etc. And it has felt like such a relief. No rush to the store to get more flour and yeast. No panic that coffee is running low.
Water - tasting water reminded me of feeling healthy. Funny that - but it had a huge impact after the first big gulp. I really was surviving on coffee alone. Morning noon and night. It is a wonder I ever slept.
The cost of coffee and flour was huge. Hence the lack of fresh fruit and veg that I adored before.
What a mess I made of it all.
I only hope I can manage to find my groove again. Its scary, because I willnot do it with abstinance. I will never do abstinance again. I think that has caused me a problem.
Abstinance is great for a great big committment to get a massive amount of weight off in a short period of time. But I found each time after more and more difficult. Not abstaining - that part was easy because science does all the work for you. But coming off the packs, the feeling of wanting to have what I had not had was so strong, that the rules of RTM seemed to go out the window. Each attempt was more and more difficult until the last time I realised I stopped the packs and made no effort at all to gradually introduce food - went straight back to baking. Duh. No wonder it all jumped back on. COmpletely my fault.
So no, I will not abstain again.
I will have to try and cut back, eat healthy and exercise. BUt that has been hard. During this year, more and more of my body has been affected by arthritis. Walking is extremely painful. The long 1-2 hour power walking I adored, no longer happens as I reach the corner and want to cry for pain. Because my toes are fusing.
Floor exercise is difficult, because my hips are more and more affected.
So, I got myself a bike, which needs a little work before it is road worthy. But the fact that nothing touches the ground I think it will be a good choice for me.
So, I have my work cut out for me.
But I want what I fought so hard to have back in my life. Feeling slim, healthy and fit. And happy. I want to be happy again.
So this is why I have not been around much. I have felt unworthy.
I will try and drop this negative attitude and give my chatter box a swift kick. But it is going to be tough.
But there you have it.
I screwed up big time.
BUt I have not given up.
And owe big thanks to my wonderful husband for caring enough to bravely confront me. I needed it.