Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[SerenityValley]

Hey BL, you know I understand as well as anyone. I've gained again and undone the last round of LL. I'm back to simple cal counting and the gym. I'm going to do with that what I normally do with LL just slower.

Anyway, want to smile? I'm gonna be a dad! 8 months of trying and we're 5 weeks pregnant.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

I did not lose 10 stone. I lost about 5. I had gained back almost 1/2 of what I lost. And have been gaining and losing the same 20 pounds for the past two years - never quite getting back to goal.

And I have my "I hate myself moments" but I keep telling myself that I made it there once - so I know I can do it and I only have 1/2 as much to lose as I did with LL. Also, although my BMI is not below 25 - I have never made it back to a 30 (I started LL at a 33). I work to focus on the positives.

Have you ever tried listening to Slim Pods? I think they would help you. There is lady on Minis named JackieN Nd her diary is worth a read. It is very social and there is a lot to slog through - but the mental Heath progress she makes is evident in her postings. Plus she has changed her body some but even more importantly how she feels about her body and self.

Go back to Slimming World and be there. Let the leader know you are struggling and need support. You are not the first person to have issues with Slimming World (I can't get my head around the plate thing and know measuring, calorie counting, etc.).

Have you heard of My Fitness Pal website? Imam using it to track my food and fitness. It is a free website and is a useful tool with a phone app.

Hang in there. You are not alone and you can do this.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Julz]

Hey BL, you know I understand as well as anyone. I've gained again and undone the last round of LL. I'm back to simple cal counting and the gym. I'm going to do with that what I normally do with LL just slower.

Anyway, want to smile? I'm gonna be a dad! 8 months of trying and we're 5 weeks pregnant.

Brilliant news, it's good to have something to smile about!
Good luck
Jx

 

[Julz]

Hi BL, can't really add much to the above replies, grief counselling is a decimate way forward, they can help you deal with the dreams, feelings and hopefully allow you to work through some stuff that is allowing you to feel this way.
I think we can all identify with elements if how you are feeling, it is alot to deal with.
Perhaps breaking it down into areas might help, 'bite size pieces' pardon the pun, set small goals, I have my moments and for the last 4 weeks myfitnesspal has helped, I use it HONESTLY every day. I am the only one to see it, so when I reflect and look back I can see when I had a good day, and others I could have made different choices.
I also now am feeling the benefit of my SAD lamp which I use everyday for about 40 minutes.
I had hoped by now that I would not be thinking about food everdsy, it was supposed to be 'easier' to make choices that were right and not have to 'think' every day. It was like that for a while, then I started to 'I will just have that, enjoy it with no guilt, I will be good tomorrow'.
Well my ego go it the way and I gained some, so now a combo of exante, controlled choices and determination have got me to the stage where I am losing again and getting back to near goal. I have made the decision 'goal' is wherever I want it to be. I have some clothes I can't get into again, yet, and I am making best endeavours to move in that direction. The pressures can be immense, be kinder to yourself, dig deep BL somewhere inside, there is a little door with sunshine the other side, my door is opened just a crack, and I can see the sunshine. Find your door we are all here , if you want to hang around reading but nit replying, that's fine. You can take our support and know we are really really here for you.
Maybe talk to SB too, lots if sense from the wise owl!
Take care
Jx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

I, too, like Julz have a light box and that makes such a difference (as I know that my initial weight problem stemmed from the SAD I had when I relocated to the UK). Being a Cali girl, I wonder if that is not a part of your problem with depression, too. Also have your vitamin D levels checked.

I use a SAD box and exercise helps (which I know is difficult for you post op). Can you swim?

I hope all is well with you and yours.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Just wanted to pop on and say hello, and to thank you for your posts - even though I find it hard to contribute most days these days, it means a lot that you do come on and write - thank you. It really does mean a lot.

I have been through the first part of the assessment process for counseling on the NHS and they have approved face to face counseling for me, which I am relieved about but there is a 2-3 month waiting list. The man that carried out my assessment took it upon himself to get permission from his supervisor to carry out phone sessions during the wait. I thught that was really kind. He must think I need it. lol

I had a really rough two weeks jut gone with my Firbomyalgia playing up big time - worst its been, so spent a week or so on strong pain pills. Yesterday was the first day I did not have any and I think I wnet through some type of withdrawal - as I was realllly depressed. Spent a good part of the day in tears, restless and jut totally out of sorts. Better today. I had an hour or two where I just wanted to speak to my mother so bad. I have had dreams of her nearly every single night for the past month and it makes it very difficult. One day I will welcome her in my dreams, but it is too soon that it only casues me to wake up sad.

I have been an awful friend I feel and I have nto seen or spoken to SB in ages. And what she has been through is so much more diffcult then anything I can imagine, I feel like crap that I have not even been able to call or see her. It just takes all I have to get out the door to work, and then I cant wait to get home and close the drapes and shut out the world. I will be glad to get through all of this, and hope the counselling will help. There are a lot of things I am dwelling on, not just mom - and I know I need help to move past them. I am definately "Stuck".

Diet is not even a conisderation at the moment. SOme days I eat rubbish other days I am in control. That is just how it has to be for now until I feel better I guess.

Anyway - just wanted to thank you all for thinking of me and writing.

And congrats on your news Andy.

Love you guys. And even if I am not riting, I do look in and I do think of you and wish you all well too.

xxxxxx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

I am glad that the NHS seems to be coming through for you. Good luck. I am sure SB understands --

Mel

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi everyone.

Well, where are we today......felling kind of OK.

I have had a rough couple of weeks -was off ill all last week after my Fibromyalgia flared up. So on my back and in bed most of the time. Not very good but gave me time to think, in and amongst the clouds of very strong pain killers.

As you know, or have gathered, Slimming world was a bust. One week, and I lost the interested. I am reminded once again how much of an all or nothing person I am, especially when in the state of mind I have been in. That is why after 25 years of tryling, LL was the first diet that got me to goal.

But <sigh> I have not felt the drive you need to do a VLCD successfully, until recently. So, I am only considering, at this point - could I do it again?

I had a long talk wiht my husband this morning and we talked about my depression. And my greif dreams. I am oretty sure, if I think back on all the painful stuff I uncovered during LL therapy, that one of the things I do in my life is punish me and keep me from being happy if I have done somethng I feel guilt over.

And since mom died, I have felt guilt. I felt it ever day since i oved here 11 years ago - and now that she is gone, the guilt is still there and I believe it is coming out in my dreams and the way I am slowly destroying myself with food.

I know the antidepressants are helping me, in as far as they have stopped the horrible thoughts I was having, etc. I still lack motivation, and I know (well, hope) the counseling will soon start and will help with that.

I know in my heart, I want to be back at my goal more then anything else in this world - I had never felt happier. Or had more self confidence. I was for the first time the me I always wanted to be. And I know in my heart I am not ready to say that was ony a one time thing, and that I enjoyed it while it lasted - that is not good enough - I want it back.

Talking with my husband, I said I did not want to do LL again because of the cost, he has been so understanding, but it take away from him too, so I do not want to do that to him again. And I will be getting one to one counseling, so I do not really need to CBT aspect. So, I am considering Cambridge Diet.

I HAVE to do something, but before I would even have my first shake, I need to be positive that I can give it 110%, from start to the very bitter long end - with no BS and no interruptions (ie - quitting smoking; surgery; holiday, etc) If I do this again it will be all or nothing and for the last time.

So - a lot to consider at the moment. I feel relieved that I have hubbys love and support and understanding - and that it will not drain our finances. I just HAVE to be certain I can do it and comit to it.

So there may be help out there, and the madness may stop sooner than later.

I broke down yesterday and bought some new, bigger clothes - and that is JUST not on. I had to though, but no more - just enough to get me through hopefully the end of this horrible place I have been living.

Give me strength. I think I can do it. But untill I say I know I can do it, its only thoughts.

xxx

 

[Kira]

Hi BL, dropped by to see how you were doing as I've been messing around with Cambridge and I needed inspiration from those who have succeeded, struggled and those like me that keep trying.

I can understand the hesitance to try Cambridge or any vlcd due to the costs. However, cambridge weightplan does appear to be cheaper than LL. However, I know when I haven binge cycles with food I can probably increase the weekly shopping bill by quite a lot! But I know paying for vlcd not sticking to it hurts the pocket and the *mind*!!

Whatever, you decide remember you have done this before and you can do it again. Today I made decision to stick with it as I hit the 10's again after messing about.

Have a read of Spangles' diary on the CD forum. She is inspirational and like you originally on LL has stuck to CD and Mini Mel drops by now and again which is lovely! Wishing you good good vibes to get back some focus of getting rid of those extra few adipose b****'s!!! X

 

[SerenityValley]

I've decided to do exante if you want to join me. £25 a week or thereabouts.

 

[daisydoll]

Hi there
Haven't been on here for sooo long but wanted to check in and see how things were with you. I hope over the last couple of weeks things have improved for you hun. you have been a massive inspiration for me over the last 3 years - and you have been through so much it would be great to know you are getting on OK. Im nearly back to where I started :-( but, I'm not going back there - and neither will you. Buying the bigger clothes has been horrible - my daughter went to school today wearing some of my size 6/8 clothes, I can't believe I ever fitted them! - but equally I actually don't want to get back to that, i want to be a happy medium! You have 'only' put on a 3rd of what you lost - which by my reckoning is probably more realistic to maintain than the lower end of where you got to. OK so you are not as slim as you were but look back 5 years and I bet you would have killed to be in the clothes you are wearing today. You can and will re-focus when you are ready - try not to beat yourself up about it. (i wish I could take my own advice here! LL is fantastic, but it also can give us a rather warped relationship with food. I now believe I can only get thin by doing it as it is the only thing which has ever worked. i know that I have to eat normally but I go from one extreme to the other - all or nothing!) Sorry if I'm waffling here - maybe what I'm saying's not how you are feeling - apologies if I'm rambling. Just hope things are geeting better Jan.
daisy xx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

I hope you are well. I am trying to up my fitness and watch my food while working back on to a more restricted plan. My BFF is about to start to Lighter Life and I support her through her journey. I know how it goes and how it works. My regaining over a 1/3 of what I lost of LL, then relosing half of that on CD, then regaining again... has not discouraged her because I did it ALL off and then some and have used the tools I acquired to keep over half of it off and have not given up -- not ever. Whereas before LL I was pretty resigned to being fat for about 13 years.

Mel

 

[Blonde Logic]

Evening everyone,

Well, its been awhile since I was here! I guess I needed to stop and focus on some things. Whether I did or not I am not sure. I just know I needed to step back plus its been murder at work - still intense pressures and stresses there that leave me like a limp rag by the end of the day.

Daisy - everyone - thank you for your messages left.

I am not sure where I am in many ways, but I know where I am in one way and that is that tonight is my last night of eating. After much much soul searching, I have decided, and I know I said I never would or could again, but I have decided to go back to abstaining. Though this time I am doing Cambridge because of the cost. But I am keeping my diary here. ANyway, I did not feel it fair to ask my husband to sacrifice anything again to allow for 75- a week for packs. But I now know that abstinance has been the only way I have ever in my life been successful - its likely to be th only way again - as long as I am in the right head space for it. So - a lot of thought and patience has gone in to this decision. I have not made it lightly.

I needed to be SURE I could commit to this just like I did the first time around. (Not a half assed attempt as my 2 or 3 false starts were, or not with any interruptions -quitting smoking (6 months yay!) - or surgery, etc. ) And now that I have been back on anti depressants, my depression is somewhat stabalised at the moment.....ao I have decided I need to address this situation now, as a matter of urgency.

I busted my butt with will to lose 10 stone. ANd I said, before I started LL and I am sure it could be found somewhere in this very diary - I said that if I were blessed to finally be succesful and lose all my weight that I would cherish it as if it were a precious and valuable gift - that I would take care of and preserve it. And when I said it, I meant it.

But then life happened. And life got bigger then I knew how to cope with. ANd I lost my hold - my grip - and I let go of that precious gift.

Well, I meant it when I said it. I have been trying so hard to move on from all the sadness of these past few years and I know I need to do this to be healthy again, etc., so I am going to give this everything I have and give it yet another go. Inside I feel committed, I feel like I can have the same success - but at the same time I am scared.

But what I found very profound tonight is that I can feel such a sense of relief brewing up inside of me, knowing that tomorrow, I will have only three packs to contend wiht for the whole day - for every day - and its astounding this feeling of having been a prisoner, and tomorrow I m being released. I have become a prisoner of food - I will not go i n to detail, but it has been awful and it has been bad and shameful. And that upsets me horribly that I fell so far and so hard - but I am giving it my heart and soul NOW to turn it around.

Give me strength - I so want to do this and be successful.

Scared - but full of determination, peppered with a bit of doubt and lots of hope.

xxxxxxx

 

[Spanglymum]

So, so good to see you back! And well done on being a non-smoker!!

I wish you all the luck and strength and patience and self-belief in the world as you go for abstinence again. You're worth it. You really are! You have been (and continue to be) an inspiration to me. keep posting. I hope Cambridge really works for you xx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

After I regained over a third of what I lost with LL. I used CD to take about half of it back off. Done of that is back, but I know with the packs I CAN lose the weight. Good luck with your CD and I'll be joining with the packs (but more likely an 810 version).

Mel

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks ladies.

Well day one , 2 packs down 1 to go. Its been OK for most of the day. Every now and then I think out of the blue "What can I eat?" and then remember - nothing! lol

It is such a relief. Maybe one day I will post about my recent behaviours - its shameful. But I am so relieved today, to cut the cord again. I feel almost as if for the past several months I have not been living my live, but rather just watching it. Watching it sort of crumble and spin out of control - I hardly recognised myself. I knew all the time what I was doing was so unhealthy and hurting me in so many ways but I literally could not stop - it had control of ME. And I kept thinking - soon, soon it will be over - and I literally felt like I was a prisoner. That is so unhealthy to feel that way - to behave in such a way that this is how it makes you feel!!?? Not good!!

I have work ahead of me.

I also feel like I did the first time I did LL. I feel scared, like I am saying goodbye to food again, which if COURSE I know I am not - but it's that feeling of it ONLY being day 1 - with about 200 to go before I will taste any food again....and I am glad I have that fear.

My couple of false starts, I didn;t. I think in my sub conscious I knew after a matter of weeks I would end up coming off it. So I view this as a good thing.

Last thought for he day - I know its early and I am reserving judgement but must say the packs I have had today, while they mix a lot better then LL does, I do not find them nearly as nice. They are not bad - just not as nice as LL - they seem more powdery tasting. But I will find a way to enjoy them - its not about tasting good - its about being palatable to get me through these next months.

So, here we go.

xxx

 

[MinnieMel]

Yay to Day One!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks Mel!!!

Day 2 - made it to lunch time without any hunger pangs so thats a very good start! Enjoyed the pack I had today better then yesterdays so its all good.


198 days (roughly) to go!!! LOL

 

[bluesunflower]

Hi BL,

Welcome back to abstinence

I wish you all the best on this new journey. You know you have the strength to see these 200 (or, even better, 198 ) days through and just think of how great it will feel to be back at goal.

Regarding the packs...have you considered Exante or Slim&Save as possible alternatives if you're not enjoying CD that much? I've never tried Cambridge, so I don't know how they compare, but I'm doing an Exante 'refresher' at the moment and the packs are quite nice and filling (3 a day, not 4 like on LL).

 

[Spanglymum]

Hi blue *waves*

FWIW I'm doing slim and save, having tried Exante but struggled with having three things a day not four. I like the SnS packs as there's a lot of variety and the meals are lush! (Just my four penn'orth.) You don't get counselling though, which I think you do with CD... good to know there are alternatives out there if you're finding CD not that palatable.