Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[MinnieMel]

Have a look at beliefnets belief o matic. It asks you questions about your beliefs then tells you which religion or non religion works for you. It got me right (pagan) and might help if you want to look into something.

Belief-O-Matic - Beliefnet.com

I just took this quiz and found it spot on for me. I am in the 10% of Unitarian-Universalists who considered themselves to be Christian and have had strong ties to Quaker individuals.

Your Top 3 Faith Match Profiles Are:

1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (97%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (97%)


Your complete Belief-O-Matic Profile with your faith matches and explanations for each has been emailed to the address you recently provided.


Share Your Results
Send your Belief-O-Matic results to your friends.

 

[Spanglymum]

Are you still there, Blonde_Logic? I miss your posts! xx

 

[jenm]

I know I was thinking of her the other day as she was so inspiring the first time I did this x

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

I was wondering what you thought of the changes to LL? I am tempted to go back for the counseling. I wonder how many takers there are --

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi ladies - thanks for your notes and messages.

I have not been here for awhile - I had to step back and sort myself out a bit. Not really sure if I am back or not, but thought I would pop in to say hi.

Between my emotional issues, quitting smoking (5 months now!) going to America for THansgiving, stress at work, surgery and as a result being sedentary for weeks at Christmas time - well - the odds were stacked against me. And once again, I put back on what I lost on my last LL attempt.

It is clear to me that the LL Method will not work for what I need to do now, so I have sworn off abstinance for a long long time.

I now need to learn to undo what I did the hard way. Its the right and only way for me.

I have just done a 7-day "de-tox" diet and it finished today. I was 100% on it and the purpose of it is to basically cleanse your cravings for white flour and sugar. And it has worked.

Now, going forward I am considering Slimming World. THe weekly weigh in method works for me, but I do not have to abstain. I just cant do it anymore. I will see how I go on my own for a week or two and if I find I struggle or dont see any weight shifting then i will got to SW.

I feel happy about my decision.

I am starting to come out of the clouds. This last round of depression was pretty bad. Life looked and felt pretty bleak and pointless and I found myself having some pretty dark thughts. That is why I steped back - I knew I was in trouble. So I am back on anti depressants and the clouds are lifting.

Life. Whoever said it was easy.

I hope I keep coming out of the clouds. I still have a way to go, but feeling a bit more myself.

My feet are still very painful which is very discouraging. I hope what I am feeling now is not what I am left with. If it is, I regret my decision for surgery. The surgeon wants to see me again to see why my recovery has stopped and started reversing, pain and use wise. So hopefully that will get better because I want to starttaking my long hikes again,

Anyway, thats really about all that is new with me.

I hope you are all well, and happy and carrying on like fab little LLers.

Lots of love to you all.

xxxxx

 

[Debbi8489]

Hi BL

I'm so happy to hear from you and that you are feeling 'out of the clouds'.

I always think that the secret to loosing weight is finding out what works for you and not to assume that it will work for everyone. We're all different. Good luck with your endeavours. Please continue to post here, even though you're not doing LL. I have found your posts so interesting and helpful and hope that you benefit from our collective wisdom and knowledge.

There are a couple of books that I'd like to recommend to you, if you havent read them already. Gosh, this will be embarrassing if you recommended them in the first place! The first is The Beck Diet by Judith Beck and the second is Adore Yourself Slim by Lisa Jackson. I've got another couple on the go at the moment, but I must dip back into them.

Hugs and kisses

Debbi xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Debbi - nice to see you too hom - youare doing, have done, FANTASTIC!

Yes, I think this diet is brilliant and I had fantastic success the first time in dropping 10 stone - so to try and do a stone or two I find it does nto work for me. Its funny, because I had the patience to do it for 10 months, with so much to lose, now, with less to lose I do not have the patience. i think is too hard core for just a spare stone or two which can come off in a reasoinable amount of time with hard work.

Thats my hope anyway.

I weighted this morning upon the completion of my 7 day detos/cabbage soup plan and lost 6.6 pounds, but more importantly and why I did it, I do not crave bread or sugar anymore, and the cravings ahd been horribly strong. Soi if I kee in this mindset and get stuck in, I hope to be alright. We can all but try until we get it, ay?

I will look at those books you mentioned.

THanks so much!! SOrry for any typos - in a hurry to get to work!

xxx

 

[eatlikeabird]

Hi BL,
So glad to read your post. Hope your healing after your op inproves for you, and glad to hear the clouds are lifting.
I will also be trying to lose the last 2 stone without the packs. I lost my job 2 weeks ago and I had a blow out this week, eating all the wrong things. Was a combination of eating out and comfort eating.
And feeling a bit sorry for myself as I'm getting hot flashes every 15 to 30 mins, side effect of losing the fat...
Sending you good thoughts for controlled healthy eating and lots of healing vibes.

 

[Blonde Logic]

I am feeling pretty positive this morning. Or hopeful anyway.

I saw my doctor yesterday for a check in regarding my depression and she has agreed to put me on the list for some counselling. I thought that would be a healthier option rather than increasing my medication. I do not want to come to rely on drugs to get me through, but rather to keep me stable while I address the underlying problems. I know of course much of this was brought on by moms death, but there are other things there as well that seem to have been rattled from their sleep through it all, so counselling can maybe help. It can’t hurt anyway. And it proves to me that even when you think you have dealt with something, it doesn’t go away. It still stays in that Pandora’s box we all have inside of us – just waiting to see a small fissure, a weak spot so it can break free and torment us again. Dang it. lol

I long to feel inspired again. I have not had any desire to paint since mom died, and that was my happy place. I have not made any jewellery. I have lost all my creative juices that were my escape when stress got the better of me, or when I just wanted to do something that made me happy. I need that back. That’s a huge part of who I am – it is what I pour my love in to. And I want to feel motivated again – about all facets of life. Rather than feeling like life is nothing but a chore. Instead of turning to those things that brought me joy I resorted to my old friend food – whose false prophecy did to me what it once did before – drew me in and hooked me. And I let it. Dang it, again!!

I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time, but do not want to jinx it. There are a lot of steps ahead of me that I have to take – and I have to allow the time it takes to make them. That is the challenge – putting in the hard graft. And being patient and mindful of what it will all mean at the end. I know it’s going to be hard. But I’ve been through hard before and came out the other side. I just have to believe in myself, and want it bad enough. That will be the true test.

Anyway – that is as introspective as I am going to get right now, and considering I am at work, I really should be working. I just had a need to put this down while I was feeling it.

Oh, and I am signing up at Slimming World tonight, and setting myself a goal of following their plan 1 month and then reassessing if it is the way for me. Wish me luck.

And Minnie Mel – thank for your PM – and great minds DO think alike!!! I am not ignoring – just need to manage my time better in order to reply. J

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, I am nearly through my first week on Slimming WOrld, and it definately feels like the right choice. At last, I feel in control - again - and hope now that things are starting to get addressed, I can retain that control.

It is so strange how when I am not following some type of program, I cannot say no to anything - once I am on a plan, I have no cravings. There is some psychological issue there I am sure, but what it is, I am unsure of.

Anyway, i have a good target - my two nearest and dearest besties from California are coming over to spend 10 days in April, and they will be here for my birthday and easter......it will be great to be trimmer and fitter and ready to do some serious walking around London, Brigthon, the downs, the shore, etc. I just hope my feet are better by then. This is the slwest recovery of any surgery I have ever had - and I have had many. (17!)

Anyway - I am anxious to weigh in - its been somewhat challenging only because I had JUST done a 2 week shop, and all my yogurt was LF and not non fat, so I am hoping that does not make much difference,

One day at a time, patience and persaverence is what it is going to take this time. I just have to remain focused and remember how much better I felt slimmer.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend and keeping warm.

We surely must be burning some calories trying to stay warm!!!

Feeling a lot of love this morning.

xxxx

 

[bluesunflower]

Hi, I've never commented on your diary before, but have been following your progress and threads since starting LL at the beginning of 2011. Just wanted to tell you that I've always found you to be such a positive and inspiring person.

I'm really glad SW is woking out so well for you - keeping my fingers crossed for a great 1st week weigh-in

 

[Julz]

Well, I am nearly through my first week on Slimming WOrld, and it definately feels like the right choice. At last, I feel in control - again - and hope now that things are starting to get addressed, I can retain that control.

It is so strange how when I am not following some type of program, I cannot say no to anything - once I am on a plan, I have no cravings. There is some psychological issue there I am sure, but what it is, I am unsure of.

Anyway, i have a good target - my two nearest and dearest besties from California are coming over to spend 10 days in April, and they will be here for my birthday and easter......it will be great to be trimmer and fitter and ready to do some serious walking around London, Brigthon, the downs, the shore, etc. I just hope my feet are better by then. This is the slwest recovery of any surgery I have ever had - and I have had many. (17!)

Anyway - I am anxious to weigh in - its been somewhat challenging only because I had JUST done a 2 week shop, and all my yogurt was LF and not non fat, so I am hoping that does not make much difference,

One day at a time, patience and persaverence is what it is going to take this time. I just have to remain focused and remember how much better I felt slimmer.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend and keeping warm.

We surely must be burning some calories trying to stay warm!!!

Feeling a lot of love this morning.

xxxx

Morning BL, challenges are everywhere! I agree with your thoughts when following a program there seem to be less challenges/cravings. I'm thinking of doing total again for a couple of weeks to get me back to where I want to be.
Strange it's the free will element that we all deserve that seems to have legs of it's own and just run off!
I did SW before a couple of times, and where I felt it did not work fir me is the lack of education to your brain about portion control, carbs etc. Having been so successful with LL, this should set you up with that knowledge in the background and make you stronger.
I'm struggling too, my creative side evaporated, and 'can't be asked' calling me daily. I sense my depression is once again, just around the corner, I have identified it and I am making small changes to stop it, it's really strange how it creeps up on you and into all aspects if your life before you even appreciate what's going on.

I'm routing for you, so keep strong and soon you will have your mojo back! (me too!)
Jx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi, I've never commented on your diary before, but have been following your progress and threads since starting LL at the beginning of 2011. Just wanted to tell you that I've always found you to be such a positive and inspiring person.

I'm really glad SW is woking out so well for you - keeping my fingers crossed for a great 1st week weigh-in

Aw, thank you so much BlueSunflower. Its early days for SW, but I am feeling positive - long may it last, ay?

I love your name - Blue is my favourite colour and Sunflowers are one of my favourite flowers! Its a great combo!!!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Julz - so nice to hear from you. It's tough, depression, but I am glad you recognised it and started making steps. I would have been wiser to do that but I kept denying it, until it got, well, it wasnt nice. But now, I will not deny it in the future. I suppose there is a tiny part of me that feels - not shame - cant think of the right word, but weak is close - it makes me feel week because I know there are so many people out there with a lot worse things to deal with. I know now though in the future, meds really do help me, and I just have to get used to that. I dont want to be on them for a long time, but if thats what I need, then I will. I hope you feel better soon too. It is so awful to feel like that.

Well, about SW - I have done it in the past a long long time ago, and it worked, to a degree - but with 10 stone to go it never worked all the way. But now, I think I can stick with it to shift most of what I have gained and in far less time then the 10ST would have taken....I just cant abstain any more. I reached my saturation level with it where it was just a waste of time and money.

I know SW will take longer, but its OK. Im not going anywhere after all. lol But one thing I am doing differently, and you mentioned this too, is I am ignoring their philosophy of eating as much as you want. That goes against all that we learned in LL and all that we need to practice in "real life", so I am using portion control, and if I do want extras, its fruit or veg. It is more the structure of a weekly weigh in and a plan that I was after. Seems to make all the differenw with me.

So - thanks for your kind words - I long to have my Mojo back - I really miss it so. Its been a very long 2 years. So, heres to changin my life again. No matter how long it takes.

You hang in there to - we will get through it all, ay?

xxx

 

[MinnieMel]

 

[Blonde Logic]

Morning!

Well, I had my first weigh in at Limming World las noght and lost 2.5 pounds. I am happy with that - I knew it would not be the typical first week bash, because I had just done that 7 day detox diet. So I am very pleased. And I found it very east to go through the week being sensible, and only had one day where I felt really quite hungry, but got through easily enough.

So there is one week down.

I was thinking I should move my diary to the Diary Forum as I am not doing LL anymore, but I don't plan to talk about food in its literal sense, and this feels like my home...so I think I will leave her here. I hope it doesn;t put anyone off my taling about a diet where food is allowed - bu as said, will be very careful about what I do say.

Anyway, jut wanted to post my first weeks acomplishment.

Have a good rest of the week everyone. THanks!!!!!!!!

xxxxx

 

[Julz]

BL it would be great if you leave your diary here, we are all your friends and rooting for you, even if we are only cyber friends, we've been together a long time.
Good luck with Limming world!
Have a good week.

Jx
P's how's slendabrenda?
X

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

How is Slimming World going?

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Mel, Julz...thanks for your messages and your PM Julz – that was sweet of you ladies to think of me.

I don’t know how I am doing. I don’t know what my problem is. I just cannot seem to do anything for more than a week or two before I start sabotaging myself. I am on a real downer the last few weeks about what I have done. I was SOOOOO Happy when I got to goal – after a lifetime of being obese, I was FINALLLLLLY slim – living the dream- the dream I had my whole life. And I was never happier and never felt better – and now – I am so angry that I blew it – that i did not cherish it and protect it and value like I said I would. That I let life get to me, and this is the result. Thank god at least I did not put everything back on – but the fact that I have put just 3 of the 10 stone back on makes me so cross at myself. Just so so so very disappointed in myself. It is enough to make my joints hurt, make me feel sluggish and generally unhealthy. I try and try and try and then I fail and fail and fail – I just keep sabotaging myself, and I don’t know why. Slimming World was going really good for 2 weeks, and now I am messing about again – I didn’t go last week – feel like I won’t go next week either – I am just so upset with myself.

I don’t know if I am going through a second wave of grief – but for weeks now, nearly every single night I have had dreams of my mother. And while I miss her so very much- it’s too soon to enjoy seeing her in my dreams – it only causes me to wake up sad and despondent. They are not the extremely graphic dreams I had for months after her accident, but they are not nice dreams either. I just feel like i am being punished for something – maybe my guilt is still deep inside bringing all of this up and not letting me achieve what I so desperately want again. I could cry thinking about what I have done to myself. Nothing fits – I have this wonderful new wardrobe and I can’t get in to any of it. I have about 4 outfits I can wear to work. I just feel so down and ashamed of myself. I have realllllly let myself down. L L L L :cry: I wish I could snap out of it. I WANT to – but just keep doing stupid stupid things and making STUPID choices. What is wrong with me!!!???????

I saw my doctor about my depression last week – just for a check in and she asked if I would like some counselling and I said yes – so maybe that will help me find myself again. All I want to do is draw my curtains, lock the doors and sleep.

I am tired of always feeling sad anymore – and always doing things that hurt myself – and always thinking horrible thoughts – I want out from under this for more than a few days at a time. I am fed up. Completely. My feet feel worse then before my surgery – and to top it off I have had another round of psoriasis on my feet – they can’t get a break. And work is unbelievable stressful – the pressure has been intense. I am just sick of it all.

Oh my – I bet you are SO sorry now you asked how I was. I am feeling like a miserable worthless unsocial cow at the moment – so I have been in hiding. Its nicer for everyone if I am. So back in to my miserable cave I go......

 

[nzmegs]

Our counsellor often tell us to remember that if we put some (or even all) of the weight we lost back on, we should never view the whole process as a failure. You succeeded at losing 10 stone. That is an incredible achievement and something most people would be amazed at.

Think of it this way - if you spent four years getting a degree you would be proud of yourself. If you then found it hard to get a job and discovered that your degree maybe wasn't going to make the rest of your life as easy as you thought or you didn't learn everything you should have - what would you do?

You would still be proud of your achievement but recognise that maybe you need to do a little extra training to make the most of your hard work.

That is all you need - a little extra training to get back up to speed again.

Counselling is an excellent idea and hopefully will help to identify the issues which are causing you to overeat again.

In the meantime, never forget what you have already achieved. it is huge - massive - and not something everyone can do. I know right now it is hard to see the good in that as you can only focus on what has gone wrong. But it wasn't a dream or something someone else did. it was you and only you who achieved that huge thing and you should be proud.