Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[Blonde Logic]

DAY 5

Well, as above this started a weepy day, then it got OK, then had another weepy moment this evening which I will explain at the end.

Good day as far as drank all my water, had my packets, and had NO hunger pangs. Very nice! Temptation yes, when hubby sat with a pile of cheese....my trigger food. But I was so good - I just looked away and then had my bath. Happy with that. No pouting, no drooling.

Did very minimal exercise today - a short walk, and climbed some stairs in the car park instead of taking the lift. I constitute that as exercise!!

After my weepy morning the day progressed nicely. However, this evening I was going through some files on my PC. We transfered over loads of photos that had been on an unoperable PC for a long time, and I had forgotten what was on it. I was thoroughly enjoying looking at old pics - and then I came across one that was rathar like a shock to me - or a slap in the face. As I mentioned in previous posts, I always felt fat. I saw myself as fat, and was sure everyone else did too. AFterall, my brothers always said I was - why would they lie? Yeah. Right. Anyway - I found this photo of me when I was 18 or 19 years old when I was a bridesmaid for my best friend. I remember feeling awful that day and so embarassed to have to walk down the aisle with her in front of so many people, eing the horrible fat beast I was. This is me. THe fat girl:

Proof positive, me head has been screwed up around my weight since I was a teenager. It just made me gasp, and cry. I just cannot believe how much damage I did to my psyche in my youth. And how it spiraled over the years to a self fulfilled prophecy.

Seeing this pic was very powerful....yes, I felt immense regret thinking of how much I missed out on because I was 'fat'. It made me so so sad. Years. Years and years spent like that, refusing pool parties, beach parties, hiding from photos, never believing boys would like me. It was a horrible time back then for me....me self esteem was non existant, and carried on that way to the present day.

Well, I am going to leave this photo here....to remind me...I was NOT fat. And that my body CAN be slim. And perhaps one day, I will tell those that led me astray, just how much their words hurt and altered my life. If I ever feel brave. Probably not though, because I would not want to hurt their feelings, for them making me feel bad.

But - I swear, on this day, I will start to believe I am worth something. And that I can be pretty and slim again. I will prove them all wrong.

Life is a funny old thing. I am determined not to make the same mistakes in the second half of my life that I did in the first.

Mark my words.

 

[Amanda34]

Your post made me cry!!!!

I am sitting here, 5 stones overweight, starting to answer Mike's questions for the NLP....and remembering being so distrught that my dad called me fat on my 18th that I refused to go out....I was a size 8 back then - but hey, just like you, I was "fat" too.

Dont you love those demons from the past?!!!

BTW - I was also sitting here contemplating ditching the LT and going out for dinner with my OH - now I am going to make my chicken soup instead.
Thanks for being so honest, and thanks for stopping me xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Your post made me cry!!!!

I am sitting here, 5 stones overweight, starting to answer Mike's questions for the NLP....and remembering being so distrught that my dad called me fat on my 18th that I refused to go out....I was a size 8 back then - but hey, just like you, I was "fat" too.

Dont you love those demons from the past?!!!

BTW - I was also sitting here contemplating ditching the LT and going out for dinner with my OH - now I am going to make my chicken soup instead.
Thanks for being so honest, and thanks for stopping me xxx

Oh Amanda - I'm glad that helped...I never expected that. As you say, those old demons are horrible. And detrimental. People just don;t realise that words can have the same affect as a sword. I'm sorry your dad said that to you.

I guess we should just feel lucky we are at least realising it now, in time to still sort ourselves out, ay?

Im really just so glad if that helped you. <hugs>

Have a good night now.

x

 

[ladylite]

My god you looked lovely.

 

[Amanda34]

Hey Blond - it helped loads....kept me on track for another day anyway...and as we all say

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Good luck with the rest of your demons - from your posts it seems like you are finding them, which must be step one - then we can overcome them. I know you were close to your dad, but if I could find mine right now I would give him a swift kick to the shins!!!

Take care of yourself - and try not to confront too many demons in one day xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks LadyL. I just wish I would have known that then! :sigh:

But - tomorrow is a new day, and next year a new year. And a new life.

Please please please please.... lol

 

[bexnkev]

Do you know BL, reading your posts is like I'd written the diary a few weeks ago. You are doing great and I'm pleased to say that my LL experience is going great too x Have you weighed in yet? That's a good day usually but in my 2nd week I only lost 2lbs (ONLY!!!) I was a bit disappointed. Luckily, I picked myself up, dusted myself down and carried on. The following week I lost 5lbs... much happier! Hope you journey goes as well as mine has so far x

 

[bexnkev]

Isn't it strange how certain things in life determine how you turn out? I was sexually abused as a child and used food to make myself unattractive so no one else would do that to me. That led me to use food as a comfort which I grew to hate! When I lost my brother in a car accident in 2003, my life and weight spiralled further. I'm lucky in that my husband is amazing and has helped me believe that I am worth something! LB, I can relate to how you've felt about yourself as a teen. I look at photos now and realise that I wasn't huge like I thought I was... I used to get called ten-ton tessy!!! Life and people sure can mess with your head!! I'm on the final road to repairing myself now with my lighterlife program! I will be free and so will you LB xxx

 

[x-Katie-x]

BL you look gorgeous in that photo, gorgeous and slim - I'm sure you're still gorgeous now just with extra padding but that padding will soon be gone and you will be gorgeous & slim again.

I always believed I was fat and overweight yet now I know that I wasn't and that it was just perceptions of others that made me feel that way - my mum always told me that she thought I was gorgeous - slim with big boobs and a lovely bum and all I saw was someone who was a different shape to her friends who were all flat chested and skinny and I just felt fat .... like you now I look back and know the truth.

But hey honey just remember we'll soon both be slim x

 

[Blonde Logic]

Isn't it strange how certain things in life determine how you turn out? I was sexually abused as a child and used food to make myself unattractive so no one else would do that to me. That led me to use food as a comfort which I grew to hate! When I lost my brother in a car accident in 2003, my life and weight spiralled further. I'm lucky in that my husband is amazing and has helped me believe that I am worth something! LB, I can relate to how you've felt about yourself as a teen. I look at photos now and realise that I wasn't huge like I thought I was... I used to get called ten-ton tessy!!! Life and people sure can mess with your head!! I'm on the final road to repairing myself now with my lighterlife program! I will be free and so will you LB xxx

Bex - I do completelyunderstand about using food to keep peolpe away - there is a whole lot of that in the chapter concerning my ex-husband which I am just not quite ready to dive in to - I know there lies a huge root of the problem -but I so understand that and I am sorry you had to experience what you did.

I'm so sorry about your brother too. Really really sorry.

Oddly enough, two ton tessy was one of the names my brothers gave me too....I can still see their laughing faces, and can still feel how it made me shrink away. They just didn;t know what they were doing. Today they are wonderful, and I love them to bits, and I am certain they have never for 1 second thought they might have been contributors to my low self esteem and weight gain. Which is why I am reluctant to say anything now - I think it would hurt them.

I am thrilled we are on the road to being the women we were meant to be - its exciting isn't it!!! And you are doing brilliantly!!
Lets watch those scales roll back down and find ourselves again, ay!!??

Continued good luck.

xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

BL you look gorgeous in that photo, gorgeous and slim - I'm sure you're still gorgeous now just with extra padding but that padding will soon be gone and you will be gorgeous & slim again.

I always believed I was fat and overweight yet now I know that I wasn't and that it was just perceptions of others that made me feel that way - my mum always told me that she thought I was gorgeous - slim with big boobs and a lovely bum and all I saw was someone who was a different shape to her friends who were all flat chested and skinny and I just felt fat .... like you now I look back and know the truth.

But hey honey just remember we'll soon both be slim x

Hi Katie -

It's dreadful how we could perceive things so wrong when we are young, and to see just how long lasting the effects can be! I bet you were one of those curvy girls all the other ones were jealous of - only noone ever said anything so you saw yourself as the odd one out...

But yes! This time next year - we will be better then ever!!!

Hope you have a really good day Katie!

x

 

[Blonde Logic]

DAY SIX

Another good day. No probs staying on track - in fact, have been 'forgetting' to have my packs until quite late as there is no hunger.

Woke up this morning and had loads of energy.

Overall, feeling very positive about diet and looking forward to first official week one weigh in tomorrow.

Was thinking ahead about how nice it will be in the near future to not have so much pain in every movement and every step. That will be one of the best advantages of losing the weight.

I spoke to my best friend last night, and did not tell her about the diet. It was hard, as I know she would be a great source of support and encouragement and would be proud of me, but I so want to surprise everyone when we go back to visit. For my 'reveal'! haha

Made contact with a long lost friend of 15 years....and she said she would love to see us. For the first time, my initial thought was not 'oh god - I am so much fatter then when she last saw me' but rathar 'cool - I will be slim when I see her!' That was a nice change of thought!!

Cooked the OH some sausage rolls this morning - first time I have cooked anything for him since I started and it was no problem. They smelled gorgeous, but was not even tempted. That was a relief. Still not ready to prepare proper meals for him, but may be able to soon.

For Christmas my hubby gave me a Digital Frame, and he spent day loading ALL our photos on it since we met - 7 years worth. Nearly 7000 photos. It was interesting seeing the ones where I was slimmer then I am now, but at the time felt horrible. So I started thinking even after I lost 2 stone, I will only look like what I did when I felt 'horrible'....but I tried to look at it as a reverse chronology,and that the next 7000 will be showing me getting smaller, even smaller then these pics, and then staying the same. That will be good!

Well. Will call it a day. JUst an 'average' day. But a good one.

Still amazed how little hunger there is when eating so little. Fantastic.

Can't wait for tomorrow night, 6pm. The results are in, and the loser is........ME!!!! hehe

 

[x-Katie-x]

Well done BL you've had another positive day there, I love your posts as they just give out hope, optimism, realisation and determination - keep em coming

 

[bexnkev]

Glad day 6 was uneventful!! and I love your posts, you have a knack of saying it how it is but not being depressing in anyway!! Very positive - here's waiting for your WI tomorrow

 

[rosejohnson]

Wow I have really enjoyed reading through these posts, and can empathise on so much of what you say.
I am at the beginning of this journey too, and with 8 stone to lose for me, it will be a long one.

Looking forward to sharing it with you, and reading more of your journey

Rose x

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Rose - thank you. I think we are on the right track with this. A firm mind, positive thought and strong desier will see us through!! Wishing you loads and loads of luck with your journey.

xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

DAY Seven - First weigh in

Well, it has been another successful day. All water and packets consumed today!! lol - Cannot believe I forgot my fourth packet last night....I never saw that coming. Being not hungry is new territory for me!

Coincidentially, a colleague of mine who I have never met before is in my group. She came to my desk today, and I could see she was struggling. She really wanted to eat and give in several times so far, but she hasn't bless her. I feel very blessed that my head, for maybe the first time in a long long time, seems to be in the right place. I don't trust it enough yet to have complete faith - but I feel so committed, and believe I will be able to do this.

First week weigh in tonight and I am 10.9 pounds lighter the I was a week ago! That does boggle the mind. I am going to enjoy these weekly meetings...big losses or not...I feel there is so much to gain...(is that the wrong choice of words? lol)

Our ages range from 17 to late 60s so there will be a broad range of life experience to learn from.

We were asked to shout out reasons we ate. The usuals came out - boredom, stress, tired, down, etc. I added punishment. And the LLC stopped and asked me to elaborate. I froze. There are things that are deep, and ages old, that I only acknowledged this last year....and it was a very painful time. I lived in denial for all those years, and could barely cope with the guilt and regret I experienced when I finally opened my eyes. And it is extremely difficult for me to talk about it - there is a lot of guilt and shame, regret and anger and immense loss involved. I am not even sure if there will come a time I can talke about it here. Time will tell - but it was painfully clear and akward I couldn't tonight. So she did try again to ask me what I meant, and I just froze - I couldn't say anything and my eyes welled up. She was very good - saw my emotions and said she would try to put it in context in general terms. And in a few moments, she hit the nail on the head in some aspects....it was scary. I know I need to face it head on. But not yet ready too. It took me over 20 years to say it to myself - gonna be hard to say to a room of strangers.

This is going to be an eventful ride. But I am in my seat, firmly strapped in, and ready for both the uphill struggle and the downhill thrill. Even the bumpy bits.

Signing off - looking towards a bright tomorrow!

 

[x-Katie-x]

Hey big loser

You're counsellor sounds like a good one, you're lucky there. It's good that she saw that your gut reaction took you somewhere where you couldn't delve further and that she didn't press you for more detail - you'll know yourself if and when you feel you can talk about matters that are private to you.

Re your day - another excellent day for you there, you're ploughing through with a smile on your face now and I'm really happy for you. Great that you've been able to give support to somebody else, that's a lovely thing to be able to do.

Roll on week 2!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks Katie! Loser! hehe

You know I said the other day I called and connected with an old friend - well that old friend was the older sister of one of my very very best friends all the way through and after high school...her name was Katy too! Well, after high school, she got in with the wrong crowd, and she got very involved in the drug scene. I was tolerant to a point but then she started getting pretty hardcore - and as much as we tried to get her away from it, she began to resent us, as one does. So, on a very sad day I told her we could no longer be friends because it was to painful to watch her killing herself....

Well....her sister contacted her and I received an email from her this morning!! She has turned her life around, and it was absolutely amazing to hear from her again....her first thing was to apologise for her behaviour back then and then she quoted several incidents of our rebel rousing days way back then!!!

So yesterday was a doubly good day all around!!! Nice to be spending days with a smile on my face.....and not just a masked one, but a real one.

Have a good day Katie!
xx

 

[cc28]

Sounds like a really nice surprise. Glad you had a good time and your friend is back on the straight and narrow.