Bog Willow's very slow, and mostly unsteady weight loss diary

[bog willow]

Thank you, ladyfelsham. I was glad of those cookies last night. While I was at the vet's waiting for my cat's insulin, one of the car's tyres went completely flat - I was only in there for 5 minutes! I didn't realise until I was out of the car park, and had to drive another long block until I had a safe place to pull the car over.

I knew I wasn't strong enough to change the tyre myself, it's been more than 20 years since I needed too, it would have been painfully slow trying to remember and work out how. And despite having an insulated lunch bag with a freezie pack for the insulin, it was well above 30C outside, and I was worried. We have roadside assistance, but when my husband signed us up, he only opted for coverage for himself - so I had to call him, and he had his phone switched off! I called a friend who lives nearby, luckily he was home and came to pick me up, and then drove my husband to the car so he could change the tyre, and drive himself home.

Last time the car was taken in for servicing they did warn us that all 4 tyres needed replacing soon. And sure enough, a trip to the tyre shop this morning proved them right.

I'm super sore from all the wallpaper scraping and curtain hanging yesterday, and I had a wee cookie binge last night. Today I feel like a flattened tyre myself.

 

[bog willow]

Full on binge today I was feeling sad and wounded, and sorry for myself, and I ate all the cookies myself. I have never, in the 12 years we've been together, not shared something I baked or cooked with my husband. Never. What's going on with me? I need outside help, I think. I felt so sick from all that sugar, it was like an act of self-hatred, in addition to sadness, and anger. I think there was a lot of anger that I was shoving down...and harming myself in the process.

 

[mistyangel]

Oh I have had quite a few of those in my lifetime, there is no rhyme or reason sometimes!!!

 

[bog willow]

Thanks, MistyAngel. Yeah, frankly, I was having a bit of a dummy spit.

I need some real life support for my emotional eating I think. I know to avoid commercial or fad diets, because they only lead to bingeing and insanity for me. But I also struggle with just following a moderate, healthy way of eating because of how I use food to comfort myself and stuff down anger.

Did a bunch of heavy furniture rearranging this morning - an odd thing to want to do on one of the hottest days, but I'm pleased with the results. The hot weather I think is deterring me from my usual workout...there are wild fires nearby and the smoke is affecting my asthma...so I'm just not up to doing something that gets my heart rate up too high. But I don't want to just do basic housework only, I guess these extra tasks are getting me to use some muscle with out the heavy breathing.

This thread is starting to read like the diary of a bored and somewhat mad housewife, instead of a weight loss diary

I'm going to spend some weeks getting myself sorted offline, and report back here when I have some weight loss success to write about.

 

[charlotte_k]

Hi bog willow. It’s your diary and you can write about whatever you like

I find the emotional aspect of eating a hard thing to deal with and for me it’s a day by day thing. Coming on here and being open and honest with myself, like you are doing, has been a big help. We all support each other through the losses and the gains and it’s a brilliant tool to have.

Take care x

 

[mistyangel]

I am with you, when I'm having a good day, I use it to eat well and do some form of activity as I do not know if the next day I will be feeling flat and de-motivated. I sat most of the day, then forced myself out for a walk and now I am glad I did, doesn't always make me feel better, but does most of the times.

I have re-arranged most of my bedrooms recently too lol, have slowly been clearing through clothes, files, books and all the hoards of stuff I just could not or would not throw out. I feel when my house is messy and cluttered my mind is too. I am determined to fight all the way, but do accept that there are days when I go off piste, sometimes I know why, other times it does not make sense!!!
We are strong, we are worth it!!!!!

 

[bog willow]

Thank you Charlotte and MistyAngel for your kind replies. You've encouraged me to keep posting.

Unfortunately the air quality is poorer today. There are wildfires in the area, and it's extremely hot - my asthma is kicking off just from light housework. So this has curtailed my exercise routine, for now. I need to keep the exertion to a minimum, so I've been catching up on some reading and podcast listening, while I do laundry.

My eating has been fine, the binge the other night was a blip and a reaction to some extreme circumstances - I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to stay the course.

 

[AliGal]

My eating has been fine, the binge the other night was a blip and a reaction to some extreme circumstances - I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to stay the course.

That's good to hear. Sending you strength over the interwebs.

 

[bog willow]

Thank you, Ali. You were the first to reply to my posts, and I so appreciate you

The smoke is terrible where I live. I have everything closed up and the air filter running, but I still have a headache and my eyes are burning. I can't laugh or cry or exert myself or my asthma kicks off. We have cooler temps and a bit of rain forecast so *fingers crossed*

Last night I made the mistake of watching an old episode of Long Lost Family, and as usual I started bawling my eyes out, which triggered asthmatic coughing so forceful I wet my pants Which set my on a bit of a self-hatred spiral of: "If I didn't haves such a fat gut my bladder would not be so sensitive, and shame on me for letting myself get this big, and that's it screw this moderation bullshit, I'm going on a meal replacement plan or something else for quick weight loss!" Sigh, and then I pulled my head in, climbed down off that cross, and spoke a little more kindly to myself...eventually.

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend, however that looks for you.

 

[ladyfelsham]

Oh Bog Willow I hope you do keep posting, the guys are right, this is your diary and as a long term poster here I can tell you it's really interesting to read back and see how i was feeling at times.

Binge eating happens to all of us hun - I went for lunch two days ago and was full to bursting. So what did I do next, followed up with a huge piece of cheesecake! Felt absolutely sick all night, told myself off, then repeated the exercise yesterday. I think just try and count the good days and not get too stressed about the binge days.

Hope your asthma is better now, and give yourself a big cuddle xxx

 

[bog willow]

Thank you, Ladyfelsham I'm still here, I've just been feeling lousy these past few days.

The wildfire smoke is still in the area, and it's slowing me down. My body has also been giving me all the "we are about to get our period" symptoms. I've not been bingeing, but I've been overeating slightly, just out of hunger, and a bit of "poor me" - not eating junk, just putting a bit more on my plate, having a little bit extra of everything. Not at levels that would cause weight gain, just amounts that would slow weight loss...but that's why I titled my diary as I did

Sure enough, my period showed up this morning -24 day cycle, isn't perimenopause just wonderful ...flippin' heck!

 

[AliGal]

Glad you are posting. My OH had an appalling time when the golf course put diesel on some scrub to burn it. And that was just one day. I can't imagine what it is like living with forest fires daily.

One of the benefits of older age is no periods! Hairy chin and wrinkles....but no bloody periods. I still appreciate it!

 

[ladyfelsham]

Perimenopause is a nightmare, I went without periods for 11.5 months, then bam, it arrived - and this happened four years in a row!

I love not having periods now, used to get endo pretty badly, but menopause isn't always for the fainthearted either . Let's hope you have a nice smooth transition and no side effects! xx

 

[bog willow]

I'm still here. I'm having some serious side effects with the medication change, I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I hope to be back in the swing of things within a week.

 

[ladyfelsham]

Hope things improve for you BW!

 

[AliGal]

Hope your meeting with the doc was useful, BogWillow.

 

[bog willow]

Thanks, ladies, I really appreciate your thoughts and well wishes *hugs*

Well, the doctor's visit was and wasn't helpful. The med I wanted to switch too isn't available in Canada yet, so, I have a choice between quetiapine 50 mg xr or quetiapine 25 mg that is not extended release. I was hoping for 25 mg in the extended release version, but not a sausage.

My eating has been out of control this past week. I'm not just overeating, but I'm also eating really junkie things instead of healthy things. For lunch today I had 6 digestives and a bowl of crisps, with two cups of sugary, milky tea. I feel so bloated and disgusting. I don't even know why, I'm not bothered by anything. I just seem to be enjoying the crap food; until of course I'm finished eating and I feel stuffed and disappointed with myself.

I need to snap out of this food bender. It's a weird sort of thing though, because it's not in response to being upset or anxious, I'm not responding to a craving I've had for days. It's like I'm on automatic pilot, shoving whatever is available into my mouth that is not in the slightest bit healthy. Like I'm just in the mood to do something reckless, for the sheer pleasure of not giving a ****?

But I really want to get this weight off, so why am I doing something that seems pleasurable, but in reality is self-destructive?

Time to reign it in. I'd much rather have the enjoyment of fitting into some old clothes, than a mouthful of salty, greasy crisps. I haven't exercised (apart from my walk to the doctor's) in maybe close to two weeks now. The smoke has been out of the area for several days now, and still I sit here like a lump.

 

[ladyfelsham]

If we could get to the bottom of why we binge on all the wrong things, we'd be sooooo rich .

I'm ridiculous with food at the moment too - starting low carb on Monday so I've spent the last few weeks cramming EVERY single piece of bread in England down my gob! You've got to laugh really, it's completely counter productive but my brain (which is very loud and annoying at the best of times) keeps shouting "Go on, have that pizza and toast and flatbread and granola, because soon your life will be devoid of all that carby loveliness sob!" - which of course isn't true, there are loads of great low carb alternatives.

All very frustrating. You've just got to try and ride it out and then get back on the wagon xx

 

[Joanne SW]

Here to follow too

 

[bog willow]

Thanks, Joanne.

I'm still here, had a bad med interaction, and was feeling pretty shite for a few days. Still working out the meds, I'm not going to find the perfect fit, so I'll just have to work with feeling a bit more sluggish than I like.

I'm finding myself really hungry these past few days. I'm not restricting, so it's not a binge response to under -eating. It's genuine hunger, there's no craving for sweets or crisps. I'll eat a sandwich and a glass of milk or a couple of yogurts - but it's still more food than I believe I need. Apart from housework, I've been pretty sedentary, so the need for extra calories is a mystery. I'll just continue to make my meals are balanced (less sugar, and refined food, and more protein) , and as long as I'm choosing something healthy when I'm randomly hungry, there's not much more I can do. Maybe it's just all this wonkiness with my medication - plus the med I take is known for causing weight gain, I'm on a very low dose, but still..

I tried the lower dose option last night, and only had a few hours sleep because of that. Caught in a lower dose is too low, and higher dose is too high, but there's no in between option. I just need to get in the swing of how to function well with the higher dose, and to keep taking it, because trying to make the lower dose work is holding me back and messing things up.

I was hoping to cut my hair today, but I don't know, I've not had enough sleep to manage it I think. It will have to keep 'til Tuesday. Or I may tackle it anyway - it's become too long and thick and I'm just wearing it in a very untidy ponytail or a scraggly bun all the time, due to always feeling hot as hell. It's looks okay-ish if I take the straightening iron to it, but I get overheated doing that too. Straightening it makes for a more attractive ponytail, but again, it's just in a ponytail - and it's not a flattering look for me. My hair's getting more dry, coarse and frizzy with the increasing amount of grey, so the less I use heat on it the better.

I'm going to cut it into a layered bob, so I can just scrunch in some product, and let it air dry into a wavy/curly intentional mess. The hot flashes have returned so I think less hair on my head will be a relief.

Oh gosh, I must be tired, here I am blathering on about my hair.