Cheekychinchilla's food and stuff

I had a really good night! Managed half a bowl of fruit salad - red & white grapes, blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries. And a handful of cheesy ball crisps. Oh and a Smartie :p
I did have my two ciders and half a glass of 'champagne' too ;)

John did pretty well and I stood with him for a while. But my Sister quietly let me know that I was going blue (kinda normal for me before anyone panics!) and I had to sit down. He didn't come with me tho. But I honestly think he was rooted to the spot with fear lol. But people spoke to him and tried to get him involved in conversations and stuff. I tried really hard to keep him involved and stuff. It's difficult when you're with close mates tho, coz you have your in jokes and your easy banter and taking the piss and stuff. Hope he was ok.
I had a good time anyway! Even with the lack of eating. They had so much nice food! Inc baked camambert, which I would usually face-plant. But just the idea of it turned my stomach :( At least I ate something! I started to feel a bit hungry, but it was as the food was being cleared away and I didn't want to say anything :eek:

Made myself two veggie burgers on two bits of wholemeal bread. With cheese, salad, and sauces. With a pack of French Fries when I got home. Took me a while to eat it, but feel less "empty".
Wont save any syns from today. The alcohol will have prob used most of them all. Can't be bothered looking it up tho ;)

Here's a pic of me in my dress and stuff. I got compliments off my Sister. My Sister!!! Who told me on Friday that I looked a bit 'less dead' :8855:

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Thanks everyone :) :eek:

Yup, my MRI in tomorrow. Yay.... I was so looking forward to it until they ruined it with it being a bloody contrast! *******o's! Now I'll have to be sedated and all sorts of crap. Meh!
But it's my friend Caz's actual birthday tomorrow so we're going to the Welsh Mountain Zoo for the day :D Then picking Mum up on the way back, then heading to the hospital. My appointment's not till 5:30.
And at least it should keep my mind off it all.

John's sent a few texts overly explaining stuff - he overthinks more than me! Which I didn't think was physically possible. But he said everyone was nice and I looked nice. So that's alright ;)
I wish I'd have taken a side pic of me yesterday, I was well impressed with the side view LOL!

Had a sh*t night tho! I was literally falling asleep on the couch with my eyes streaming trying to stay awake. So I go to bed and think I might not need any meds tonight. 4:30am and I was STILL awake!! Cursing the God's of sleep and mystery illnesses! So I gave up and took half a sleeping pill so I could get some sleep. It didn't work fantastically, but I did get some sleep.
Feel rather tired today and the headache is pretty bad, even for me! But apart from that feel about the same as normal. So that's alright :)

Need to run to the shop in a bit so I can get picnic stuff for the zoo :D It prob wont be on plan but I dunno how much of it I'll eat.

Anyway, I'll stop moaning and go forage for something I can eat :D x
 
That's sod's law about the sleep, I do it all the time, fall asleep on the settee, get up, go to bed and then I'm wide awake :confused:
Your day tomorrow early on sounds great, never been to that zoo, hopefully you'll have a great time and keep your mind off the icky stuff in the evening. I'm sure with the amount of food you're eating at the moment it won't matter too much what you eat, so off plan shouldn't hurt too much.
You and John sound so compatible, the more I hear about him the more you two seem made for each other :) x x
 
I wish I'd have let myself fall asleep on the couch with the dogs! Might have actually, you know, slept! Lol. When I got to bed my heart started hammering and the jittery thing kicked off. Absolute joy! But, never mind. Will attempt an early-ish night tonight and hope the sleeping pill works. Up early tomorrow by the looks of things. They wanna get to the zoo for opening time!!! Which is only fair seen as it's Caz's birthday and we'll have to leave early.
But yeah, hopefully it'll keep me distracted. And you know, ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been to this zoo for about 10 years. But my Mum, Sister, and her John went a few weeks ago and said it was still really good :)

Aye I'm not too bothered about the food. I haven't been eating much, yet stuck to SW pretty much 100%. So yeah, a nice day off at the zoo.

Still getting to know John and stuff, but he is nice and we do get on. I worry slightly that he puts too much emphasis on the depression and anxiety and stuff and over explains things - but I do that some times. I just don't think he's learned to accept the way he is and deal with it really. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I just think he's got a ways to go. I've worked incredibly hard over the last 8 years to get myself to where I am and I've managed to build my confidence and I can meet people, talk to people, explore places, etc... It's just a little hard seeing someone not being able to cope well - coz I remember all too well how that felt.
But my friends and family also had a big part to play in that and they're a HUGE part of my life. My friends are my family now and we do a lot together. So he'll just have to get used to that. I won't be in one of those couple's who only see each other! It ended up being a bit like that with my ex coz he wasn't interested in going out, wouldn't go to the cinema, wouldn't eat out, didn't want to see friends or anything. And I will most definitely not do that again! My friends are way too important.

Wow, dunno where that came from! :eek: I have been thinking a bit tho. Erm, yeah, going the shops ;) How does fake ham, cheese, and coleslaw on nice buns sound?! ;) x
 
Animals :) I haven't been to any zoo in years, I keep on trying to get Ian to go to Chester zoo but he's not really that interested :(
It's good you know where you want your relationship to go with John and where you don't want it to go, it means you can guide it down the right roads and hopefully make it work.
The buns sound extremely scrummy, coleslaw mmmmmm x x
 
Aww Tace, I'll go the zoo with you! Leave Ian at home to sulk ;) We should have a SW day out :p

John did text me before saying that he liked everyone and he'd be happy to do more stuff with them now he's met them. I didn't say anything btw, this came from him :)
Might see if he'd like to come the zoo with us when we go in September for my Lemur Experience. That's not for 6 weeks, so gives him time to get used to the idea :p It'll be me, Tim, Caz, and Michelle so he's met all them now.

Went to Asda and omg it was heaving!!! Made me angry ;)
For tomorrow I've got wholemeal and oaty buns to have with Quorn ham, light Dairylea slices, coleslaw, and probably salad and red peppers.
Also got a little packet of Nak'd cherry flavour raisins, a big bag of Cheeto's, a little Kinder bar, and I might chuck in a bag of Dinosaurs. Would rather take too much and pick at what I want than end up spending a fortune on food at the zoo!

We decided to go for coffee and Mum treated me to cake. Apparently it didn't matter what I said about feeling sick :confused: We both got carrot cake (the chocolate one made me go "ick" just to look at it!) and when they arrived I swapped mine for the smaller bit. It was tough going, but I mostly enjoyed it. Paying for it now!! Super sweet was in no way a good idea! Only so many times in a week you can turn down cake tho :p

So low syn for tea when I feel like something. Might do burgers on bread again. Dunno yet.x
 
That would be good but Ian would probably sulk for leaving him, such a contrary mary ha ha ha ha.
I really detest busy supermarkets that why I go shopping straight from work and 7am or late at night just to avoid plebs driving trollies dangerously around and into your legs and it really annoys me when people leave their trolley in the middle of the aisle so no one can get past. I think I get trolley rage lol. x x
 
I wanna come the zoo :) LOvE the zoo - but Matthew doesn't like me staring at the animals which is the whole point of it right? .. I could stare for hours me and he's moanin he needs a wee or to fill his stomach as always ...

Mmmmmm carrot cake !! Reminds me of a birthday I had when someone bought me one and I got my fork and just dug in ... Mmmmmm .. ;)

Aw I hope he goes to the lemurs with you, would be ace :) .. Sounds like a lovely Caring man - you got a keeper there :) x x x
 
I get serious trolley rage Tace! And uncontrolled kids :mad: Lol!

Thank you B. Hopefully wont come back with any horror stories and I'll be thinking "what was I worried about?"

Hehe Ruby you should come to the zoo too. What is it with men folk and not liking the zoo?! And why would you go and not look at the animals?! :confused:

He wouldn't be able to come to the Lemurs with me coz that's just for me. So it would mean he'd have to hang with my friends for about 45mins to an hour. Which I have told him now. Tim and Caz bought the lemur Experience for my for my 30th :) But we're making a day of it and all going to the zoo. Be daft to go and not enjoy the zoo too!

Had my tea and it probably only cost me a couple of syns. And a HexA & B. Also had a little bowl of dry Fruit Loops, to see what they're like. They're really nice! Oh no ;)
At least that's a quick breakfast sorted for tomorrow!
Just finishing up an ep of Dollhouse before I go to bed. Really hope I can sleep tonight. Definitely going for a whole sleeping tablet or I'll be useless tomorrow.
Night all and thank you for the lovely messages.xx
 
cheekychinchilla said:
I get serious trolley rage Tace! And uncontrolled kids :mad: Lol!

Thank you B. Hopefully wont come back with any horror stories and I'll be thinking "what was I worried about?"

Hehe Ruby you should come to the zoo too. What is it with men folk and not liking the zoo?! And why would you go and not look at the animals?! :confused:

He wouldn't be able to come to the Lemurs with me coz that's just for me. So it would mean he'd have to hang with my friends for about 45mins to an hour. Which I have told him now. Tim and Caz bought the lemur Experience for my for my 30th :) But we're making a day of it and all going to the zoo. Be daft to go and not enjoy the zoo too!

Had my tea and it probably only cost me a couple of syns. And a HexA & B. Also had a little bowl of dry Fruit Loops, to see what they're like. They're really nice! Oh no ;)
At least that's a quick breakfast sorted for tomorrow!
Just finishing up an ep of Dollhouse before I go to bed. Really hope I can sleep tonight. Definitely going for a whole sleeping tablet or I'll be useless tomorrow.
Night all and thank you for the lovely messages.xx
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Oooo yes zoos rock !!!! Think my hubby was just concerned with how long I spend looking at one animal and there's a LOT of animals there to stare at ... haha ;) x x x
 
*Medical over sharing!*

Hey gang! Today didn't go to plan as the weather was ridiculous. So we ended up at The Blue Planet. Which was cool coz I love fishies and I haven't been for about 10yrs! They had some great new exhibits and I LOVED the frog room :D Tim paid for us all to do the little behind the scenes tour, which was lovely of him :D
They were rubbish and didn't have time for a picnic so I stashed mine in the car for this evening. We ended up in Bella Italia for lunch and I had a rubbish veggie calzone and a mini dessert with coffee. My coffee had a flie in!!! And they didn't even take it off the bill :confused:

After that tho? Oh guys, I can't remember the last time I was that traumatised :( The MRI itself was fine, just noisy. But I had gotten myself so worked up that even 10mg of diazapam didn't touch me - this usually turns me in to an incoherent giggling mess. Didn't feel it work at all :( Oh and they wouldn't let my Mum come in with me!
They were lovely and understanding, but I still had to go through with it. They took the first lot of pictures first - about 10mins or so. Hard to tell really! And then they had to come and inject the dye :( The guy tried in my left arm and my vein blew and I know have a painful collection of fluid under the skin of my elbow. NOW I know why animals freak out when this happens. It hurts SO much!! :cry:
Then neither of them could find veins in either of my hands or the inside of the other elbow. But found a tiny one on the side of my wrist. By this point I was so panicked and close to passing out or vomiting. Luckily they got it and I could feel the stuff going in and it only took about 30 seconds, but it felt like an eternity. And coz the sedation hadn't worked I could feel EVERYTHING and I was paying attention and knew exactly what they were doing.
This all going on btw while my head was still restrained and strapped to the table :cry: By this point I'm really surprised I stayed conscious. I felt myself drifting every so often, so I hope I didn't move my head much. And every so often I kept thinking "They're going to find a brain tumour" and kept almost crying. Think the last set of pictures took about 15mins.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough and almost started crying when I was getting dressed. Then Mum needed the loo so I sat in the main entrance waiting for her and my friends and I could feel the tears starting. Managed to hold it together until I got home and just sobbed and sobbed. Mum heard me over my music and just sat and held me :eek:
Guys, I've had enough. I really have! I think I've finally tipped over the edge in to not coping. I know I moan on here, but I'm fed up of pretending I'm ok and not sick and trying to stay cheery. All's I wanna do now is say "F*ck everything" I really don't know how much more I can cope. I'm not even me any more!

Bugger, had better stop because the tears are coming again. Have spent all evening trying not to cry again. I've also eaten a monumental amount of food today - thank you diazapam munchies!!! Didn't feel too sick throughout today. Had a few dizzy/spacey moments while we were out, but before the hospital visit I wasn't doing too bad today.
Now I need to sleep because the dark circles around my eyes are starting to take over my face. Think I've had about 12hrs sleep in the last 3 days. I know that doesn;t sound too bad, but I've been averaging about 10-12 per night recently.
Think I'll go read and then try and sleep.

Thank you if you managed to stay with this. Night all.xxx
 
Lifted my self-imposed forum ban to check in after you said you'd updated on here :) Bloody hell, that sounds so horrible! Are you feeling any better today now that it's over? I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, it's not fair. Sounds like your mum and friends are being so supportive, that's great at least. It will all be over with soon, and you'll have your diagnosis and get treated. Try to remember that! Lots of love xxx
 
I wish I did feel better mate. And as dramatic as this sounds, I keep remembering it all over again and panicking and feeling sick and almost crying. I've got a hoody on today so I can't see my arms! My right arm is still very painful from the vein blowing. I think the fluid has dispersed, it should have by now! But I can't honestly bring myself to look or feel it.

I think I've finally snapped :( I've been holding off on admitting how ill I am for so long and just kept saying "I'll be ok". But it's finally gotten to me.
I feel so down, really sick, my chest is tender from the pretty much constant panicked/thumping heart, I feel even more exhausted today than I usually do. Even managed about 11hrs sleep! Still feel awful :(
Have to say the nausea has calmed down a little, but that means I'm wanting to eat crap. I could have happily had a few bowls of Fruit Loops for my lunch. But trying my best to fight that. I think it might be down to the diazapam, coz that always makes me hungry. So hopefully that'll wear off soon and I can go back to being too nauseous to eat rubbish!
Had a good, filling lunch tho :)

I'm sure at some point I will go back to denying how ill I am and just getting on with it. But for now I am sick of being strong and positive and pretending I'm ok to people. It seems yesterdays trauma was most definitely a tipping point.
I'm determined not to cry again coz I've already burst some blood vessels around my eyes from yesterdays breakdown and I could really do without any more. I look bad enough as it is! Don't need to also look like a Rage victim from 28 Days Later ;)

All's I've done today is eat my lunch and watch Children of Men. God I love that film so much!! Some of the fellow film nerds I follow on Twitter were talking about it last night, so took it off my shelf and left it out for today. Clive Owen should do more films! I do love Clive!

Had some really nice texts from John and he's literally poured his heart out. And being the total ***** that I am, I've not replied yet. I need to say something, but right now I'm about as numb as my feet were in the Arctic (ha!) and I don't want to say anything that could come across as mean or unfeeling. I like him too, at least i think I do! But the stuff he's saying about missing me when I'm not around and wanting to see me more and more just sounds like pressure and stress to me right now. Like I can't cope with getting me through every day! It's hard to explain and I feel AWFUL! But I'm not quite there yet. And I know why, because I feel so ill and so down and I really am not me right now. But I don't know how to get that across without hurting his feelings.

When I was sat crying with my Mum yesterday I just kept saying "This was supposed to be a good year!" I was so looking forward to my 30th, the adventure, having a car, etc. And I've finally met someone!! But none of it has gone right, mostly because of the illness! And the stress caused by the car situation is only making things worse. And now I can't work, I've had my pay cut pretty dramatically, I can't even do my coursework, can barely drive some weeks, now there's more wrong with the car, I'm STILL waiting for an endocrine referral, got more tests planned, not enjoying being in a relationship, etc....

Ah f*ck it. I'm just not coping. I'm really, really not coping with all this any more :( Dammit!x
 
Sorry to hear cc ...... Sending lots of get well hugs ... X x x x
 
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