Sitting here at just past one in the morning and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.
Had my medication review today. My doctor phoned me saying she wanted to discuss my medication over the phone before the initial appointment. What she really meant to say was I'm not listening to your needs and I'm opting for the easier option for me. I've ended up back on the same medication that is causing me huge problems with side effects and mood swings but on a higher dose. I'm so *issed off with her.
I had an appointment booked, worked myself up to tell her straight how after 6 weeks it wasn't working for me and how I wanted to change it, all to get a 'phone consultation' where she tells me to go onto a higher dose regardless of the debilitating side effects, because stabilising my anxiety and low mood is more important, which I understand in principal, but not at the cost of such severe side effects, that at the moment are actually causing me more problems than the actual condition.
So Ive done what I normally do got the evening meal out of the way and shut myself off and gorged and binged and pigged myself on a ridiculous amount of chocolate so not only am I *issed off with the doctor I'm *issed off with myself for not being firmer and standing my ground and telling her in no uncertain terms I want my medication changed, and I'm also *issed off that I've let it get to me so much and dealt with it in such a pathetic binge like way
The reason I'm still awake is because I've haven't taken said dose of medication and to be honest the side effects are still so dire and hard to bear after 7 weeks I doubt I will be taking those tablets again. The withdrawal I can cope with because it only lasts around 3-4 days, and possibly a week of rebound insomnia but these side effects (insatiable hunger for sugar every night being one of them) is not what I signed up for when I wanted my condition managed better.
Had my second WI today and scraped through with a pound loss after binging on chocolate on Saturday night, 60 syns worth gone in under 30 minutes, and I could've of carried on no problem.
I didn't even bother trying to reckon up the syns of what went into my gob tonight, small box of maltesers, the other layer of Terry's All Gold, 2 Reeses Nutrageous Bars, 15 quality street etc, pretty disgusting me thinks.
But I'm not going to disappear off here because I've binged or eaten too much and thrown the towel in, I'm facing my demons this way, I've done what I have and now I have to deal with the consequences. I aim to go straight back on plan tomorrow and try to be sensible with my syns and accept that, this is part of my journey and if I want to lose this weight once and for all then everytime I fall off I have to get back on straight away, not go running to the nearest McDonalds moaning that diets never work for me. I don't know if anyone else would just jack it all in after 2 major chocolate binges in as many days, but if I come off plan completely now where does that leave me, a life of yoyo-ing, one minute being on a diet, next minute 'having a break from it?'.
Sorry for my rant, but I needed to do this so I can read it back and face up to. I can't allow myself to be part of the "I ate this because I had a bad day" brigade anymore. I'm being realistic and fair I don't expect miracles with my weight loss and I don't think Im being hard on myself but if I don't address this emotionally eating I'm just going to end up being my own worst enemy and slowly but surely getting heavier and heavier and running out of options.
Im just thinking out loud and exorcising a few demons. Normal service will resume tomorrow, I promise
xx
Thanks people xx
there's nothing out of the ordinary planned between now and my WI so I'm just going to have to try and dig my heels in and carry on regardless, but the temptation to wave the white flag and have a big blow out is so strong I will surprise myself if I get to Tuesday without throwing the towel in (or eating it) and admitting defeat. 
