Understandable, Dolly.
So, here's the thing: Stop beating yourself up.
That's a lot of sadness, anger, grief and maybe guilt for one person to handle.
So is this the right time? Are you ready to do this? If not, stop, and set yourself a date to reconsider a re-start. Decide what you will do to get into the right head space to do this or something else.
It's the right time? Then do this:
1) write a long list of all the reasons why you want to be 10 stone. I mean a really long list. Like 100 reasons. Get started and just write. Add to them over the rest of this week. Don't worry about writing something twice. Just add to your list.
2) Review that list and anything that "away from" or in the negative, reverse to what you would like. eg I hate struggling upstairs or I don't want to get fatter (or wear size X clothes) become I love being able to run up and downstairs effortlessly, I am happy being slim, being fit or being a lithe size 10. Read and re-read your list when you are finding it tough.
3)Start journalling. Buy a beautiful book on amazon. Write about how you feel. Just get it out. Some days you could write a lot. Others - just a few lines. Always daily write 3 things you are grateful for. They might be big things or something small - a good cup of tea on a crappy day. If you like apps, consider the 5 minute journal. It only takes 5 minutes a day to journal.
4) Reconnect with friend or family that love you.
5) Next week, write a long list of things you will do instead of bingeing - mine includes have a long bath, paint my nails, call my friend, take the dog out, drink some coffee with erythitol (I normally drink it without sweetener), go to the library, unstack the dishwasher, write my journal, go for a swim, this time of year cut some roses for the house or make some lavender wands and much more. Get it out and pick one when you feel like deviating from yr plan. And anything you can into your day to be kind to yourself. For me that included having a really really nice mug at work, and having a nice glass jug for my water, ditching some tatty handbags and having a new one from TK Maxx.
6) Any systems help you? I lived (and sometimes still do) in chaos. So Unf*ck Your Habitat, FlyLady & Getting Things Done are really helpful. There are also lots of podcats - I avoid anything done by a natural born organiser - as they don't understand why someone might be disorganised. I'm not lazy - I didn't learn systems when young, and my brain isn't made that way. My kitchen is always clean and tidy now - thanks, FlyLady. Amaaaazing. Bedroom= still a work in progress [slinks off to tidy up, hoover and change the bed]!
7) Think about getting some counselling or CBT to process what has happened, understand how not to sabotage yourself and get resolved so you can live well.
I'm sure others have wise ideas too. Have courage.
Ali
