Donkey's journey to deal with disordered eating and lose 6 stone!
- Thread starter donkeysaurusrex
- Start date
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
Hi all. Sorry, my phone is not cooperating with logging on here.
So I haven't binged or restricted, I'm not at all on plan but hey it's better than eating copious amounts of junk or starving myself. You're all right, I've come pretty far already, I can't mess that up. I'm still really angry with my mum's attitude but she knows everything and is never ever ever wrong. She loves criticising people and she still has the audacity to tell me my doctors are wrong and all my medical issues are caused by weight. I guess the mri scans I have all lie lol. Anyway I know she's like this and I also know my dad will never actually support me. Yes, his excuse is exactly that - he has to listen to her when I've gone. Instead of telling her she treated me badly and there was no way he'd stop talking to me like she wanted, he insisted on months of secret phone calls, hanging up if she made an unexpected appearance and making sure I was never brought up in subject. He enables her but theres nothing I can do, that's why I don't live here anymore.
I've been told many times to take that approach of if you want my help you need to be nice to me, but unfortunately my moher is not 'normal'. Doing that will result in her exploding at me and likely throwing me out (not that I'm opposed to leaving lol but then the months of Dad whinging at me to grovel to her in apology is what I want to avoid). She'll basically react in a 'how dare you think you can tell me what to do, that you have any influence or power over me, that you're worth anything to me' kind of way. Dad never questions anything she says anymore and will always support her to her face so I stand no chance if that happens. I do have a half brother and sister much older than me who sort of get it but don't know half the stuff that goes on with mum. They'd freak out if, for instance, they ever found out that mum hit dad last year in the face because she didn't get her own way. My brother especially kind of avoids her. Also my dad's been so ill this year, landed in hospital and is now just getting over pneumonia and there is an unspoken undertone that the trouble I cause for dad with mum was the cause.
I just didn't realise how much being here and having to deal with her would trigger things for me. I got so angry and upset the other night to a degree I haven't been since I was a teenager. The environment just turns things for me. I'm also mindlessly eating like I used to here. As for taking things to my room, again mum won't let that happen. She freaks out, starts screaming and shouting about how I use her house as a tip and that I'm a disgusting slob if I do that. It's 'her' house, she can go through the room whenever she wants and food in that room (she's very specifically not referring to it as my room even though it was for 24 years) is a hangable offence. So I've just pretty much given up on sw for now. I really really want to go home but it's just not an option. She's left this dissertation far far too late and is putting too much faith in me basically doing it for her but it's a professional qualification and I don't know anything about the subject at all and she is awful at explaining and loses her temper with me all the time despite it all being her own fault. Kind of pissed off that I've spent the last year stressing over my own work and immediately I have to do all this!
ANYWAY. That was a massive whinge but it explains things. I WILL be home for next weigh in because there is another appointment I have to attend on Tuesday at home. I'm terrifed it's going to be a really big gain, like I've blown through 2 awards in one go. Then again, it will be whatever it is and I just have to get back on with it. I get the feeling mum wants me to come back down afterwards because her dissertation is due on the 30th but unless my dad says I really have to, I have no intentions. I have to be in London for the 30th anyway because that's my botox date and annoyingly it's also another wi day but things are going too off track as it is, I can't miss more.
Thank you all though, you're so lovely and boost me up
When my life gets back to normal I'll finally stop being so self centred and check in to people's diaries!
So I haven't binged or restricted, I'm not at all on plan but hey it's better than eating copious amounts of junk or starving myself. You're all right, I've come pretty far already, I can't mess that up. I'm still really angry with my mum's attitude but she knows everything and is never ever ever wrong. She loves criticising people and she still has the audacity to tell me my doctors are wrong and all my medical issues are caused by weight. I guess the mri scans I have all lie lol. Anyway I know she's like this and I also know my dad will never actually support me. Yes, his excuse is exactly that - he has to listen to her when I've gone. Instead of telling her she treated me badly and there was no way he'd stop talking to me like she wanted, he insisted on months of secret phone calls, hanging up if she made an unexpected appearance and making sure I was never brought up in subject. He enables her but theres nothing I can do, that's why I don't live here anymore.
I've been told many times to take that approach of if you want my help you need to be nice to me, but unfortunately my moher is not 'normal'. Doing that will result in her exploding at me and likely throwing me out (not that I'm opposed to leaving lol but then the months of Dad whinging at me to grovel to her in apology is what I want to avoid). She'll basically react in a 'how dare you think you can tell me what to do, that you have any influence or power over me, that you're worth anything to me' kind of way. Dad never questions anything she says anymore and will always support her to her face so I stand no chance if that happens. I do have a half brother and sister much older than me who sort of get it but don't know half the stuff that goes on with mum. They'd freak out if, for instance, they ever found out that mum hit dad last year in the face because she didn't get her own way. My brother especially kind of avoids her. Also my dad's been so ill this year, landed in hospital and is now just getting over pneumonia and there is an unspoken undertone that the trouble I cause for dad with mum was the cause.
I just didn't realise how much being here and having to deal with her would trigger things for me. I got so angry and upset the other night to a degree I haven't been since I was a teenager. The environment just turns things for me. I'm also mindlessly eating like I used to here. As for taking things to my room, again mum won't let that happen. She freaks out, starts screaming and shouting about how I use her house as a tip and that I'm a disgusting slob if I do that. It's 'her' house, she can go through the room whenever she wants and food in that room (she's very specifically not referring to it as my room even though it was for 24 years) is a hangable offence. So I've just pretty much given up on sw for now. I really really want to go home but it's just not an option. She's left this dissertation far far too late and is putting too much faith in me basically doing it for her but it's a professional qualification and I don't know anything about the subject at all and she is awful at explaining and loses her temper with me all the time despite it all being her own fault. Kind of pissed off that I've spent the last year stressing over my own work and immediately I have to do all this!
ANYWAY. That was a massive whinge but it explains things. I WILL be home for next weigh in because there is another appointment I have to attend on Tuesday at home. I'm terrifed it's going to be a really big gain, like I've blown through 2 awards in one go. Then again, it will be whatever it is and I just have to get back on with it. I get the feeling mum wants me to come back down afterwards because her dissertation is due on the 30th but unless my dad says I really have to, I have no intentions. I have to be in London for the 30th anyway because that's my botox date and annoyingly it's also another wi day but things are going too off track as it is, I can't miss more.
Thank you all though, you're so lovely and boost me up
When my life gets back to normal I'll finally stop being so self centred and check in to people's diaries!
timmieatimbo
Full Member
You're not self-centred at all. I teared up a bit reading this because you're dealing with so much yet still being incredibly strong and it's all so unfair and mean. You're just pretty amazing
She does sound like a nightmare, maybe just do what you said then and get back to SW when you're back home. Really feel for you, you've done so well and with no support at all. You should be especially proud of yourself for that. Best of luck dealing with your mum for the next few days!
First of all, well done for not listening to the ED voice, you are incredibly strong and have shown lots of courage since starting sw. You've done so well with the amount of pressure you've been under lately.
Secondly, you are NOT self centred. If you were you wouldnt be helping your mum through all this. You've put your needs second and got on with everything she has thrown at you. You should be soooo proud of yourself lovely. You really are an amazing person.
Keep your chin up and keep posting.
Secondly, you are NOT self centred. If you were you wouldnt be helping your mum through all this. You've put your needs second and got on with everything she has thrown at you. You should be soooo proud of yourself lovely. You really are an amazing person.
Keep your chin up and keep posting.
Poppet12
Gold Member
Hi Donkey
Sorry to hear of your horrid struggles :-( your mum sounds very difficult and it seems you don't have the support network that a lot of people (me included) take for granted.
Massive congratulations on your degree! What an amazing achievement, you must be so very proud!
And well done too for even thinking about sw- it would have been easy in the circumstances to forget about it altogether. There's no rush and you can get back on it when it's feasible. In the meantime even the little things like being mindful and including fruit are great. Keep up your water intake too and hope everything works itself out (and you can escape home!) soon xx
Sorry to hear of your horrid struggles :-( your mum sounds very difficult and it seems you don't have the support network that a lot of people (me included) take for granted.
Massive congratulations on your degree! What an amazing achievement, you must be so very proud!
And well done too for even thinking about sw- it would have been easy in the circumstances to forget about it altogether. There's no rush and you can get back on it when it's feasible. In the meantime even the little things like being mindful and including fruit are great. Keep up your water intake too and hope everything works itself out (and you can escape home!) soon xx
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
Hello all
First off you're all so kind, thank you!
I'm back home right now, not been in very long. Yesterday after spending a very long time with my mum and essentially writing the 2nd unit of her dissertation, she couldn't find the right material to answer part of a question and erupted. There followed a few hours of her screaming at me saying I hadn't helped her at all, that after all she's done for me I can't be bothered to help her and she'd never have anything to do with me again, that I was only there to take money off her and I didn't want to help at all. I mean, I personally have written about 3000 words, the whole of the first unit, while she's been at work so she was clearly full of bs. Even to the point that Dad had to say to her that wasn't fair at all, but then she started screaming at him, smashed a mug across the room and switched tactics to say I was mocking her, my attitude was that she was thick and I was just there to tell her she was useless. Again it's completely untrue. The past week, every single day, I've had to talk her down from the strop she throws, when she doesn't understand something and announces she'll just go and top herself, and tried to smooth things over explaining that's just how this kind of work can make you feel but it does end - I've just got through the other side. I even said I'd come back down after Tuesday because she got in such a state. Sooo I did not react well to what she was saying, and I ended up sobbing and shaking and not quite yelling but you know when your voice is just so full of emotion you're trying to contain and it gets kind of squeaky - that, back at her every time she threw an allegation at me. She tried to split dad from me and when it didn't work things just got worse. Dad started blaming me and when I refused to go back down to help her his attitude was that he's done so much for me I need shut up and get over it. I said no. She wrecks my mental health and he doesn't care.
Anyway he eventually talked her down and sat with her until 1.30am trying to do the dissertation. This morning it was as if nothing had happened. She was pleasantly asking how to phrase something, seemingly decided I was of some use after all. I told Dad all I wanted was an apology, that it's always been me having to grovel to her for no reason and I wouldn't put up with it this time. But no, he sneered at that and there is absolutely no talk of it happening. Apparently this is all my fault again.
I was coming home tomorrow anyway but I said no, I'm taking my cat home and we're staying, I'm not dealing with this. But Dad said no, I'm leaving the cat with them because I'm coming back to help, because he does so much for me and because I'm basically the cause of this issue. So here I am, feeling stupid because my attempt at asserting myself was clearly pathetic and I'm not even worth an apology. I can't stand my mother, but I also desperately don't want her to fail - I feel responsible for keeping her happy. Stupid I know. A shrink would have a ball with my family lol.
Anyway I'm home until probably Wednesday so my blood can stop boiling and I have to face WI on Tuesday. It's going to be bad. I have eaten junk today, takeaway chips and kebab....my excuse is that I was having a hell of a lot of neuralgia throughout my body and my blood pressure was bad (I blame it on missing medication) and a heavy dose of salt tends to fix it temporarily.... It's a feeble excuse I know lol but hey I might as well make the most of being off plan.
The next WI I'll miss because I'm at hospital but I need to attend somewhere to keep on track. There's an option of staying at my parents longer and going to a Thursday WI, so it would be a bit over a week between sessions, but that does mean staying around my mum for longer.
I'll have to see.
First off you're all so kind, thank you!
I'm back home right now, not been in very long. Yesterday after spending a very long time with my mum and essentially writing the 2nd unit of her dissertation, she couldn't find the right material to answer part of a question and erupted. There followed a few hours of her screaming at me saying I hadn't helped her at all, that after all she's done for me I can't be bothered to help her and she'd never have anything to do with me again, that I was only there to take money off her and I didn't want to help at all. I mean, I personally have written about 3000 words, the whole of the first unit, while she's been at work so she was clearly full of bs. Even to the point that Dad had to say to her that wasn't fair at all, but then she started screaming at him, smashed a mug across the room and switched tactics to say I was mocking her, my attitude was that she was thick and I was just there to tell her she was useless. Again it's completely untrue. The past week, every single day, I've had to talk her down from the strop she throws, when she doesn't understand something and announces she'll just go and top herself, and tried to smooth things over explaining that's just how this kind of work can make you feel but it does end - I've just got through the other side. I even said I'd come back down after Tuesday because she got in such a state. Sooo I did not react well to what she was saying, and I ended up sobbing and shaking and not quite yelling but you know when your voice is just so full of emotion you're trying to contain and it gets kind of squeaky - that, back at her every time she threw an allegation at me. She tried to split dad from me and when it didn't work things just got worse. Dad started blaming me and when I refused to go back down to help her his attitude was that he's done so much for me I need shut up and get over it. I said no. She wrecks my mental health and he doesn't care.
Anyway he eventually talked her down and sat with her until 1.30am trying to do the dissertation. This morning it was as if nothing had happened. She was pleasantly asking how to phrase something, seemingly decided I was of some use after all. I told Dad all I wanted was an apology, that it's always been me having to grovel to her for no reason and I wouldn't put up with it this time. But no, he sneered at that and there is absolutely no talk of it happening. Apparently this is all my fault again.
I was coming home tomorrow anyway but I said no, I'm taking my cat home and we're staying, I'm not dealing with this. But Dad said no, I'm leaving the cat with them because I'm coming back to help, because he does so much for me and because I'm basically the cause of this issue. So here I am, feeling stupid because my attempt at asserting myself was clearly pathetic and I'm not even worth an apology. I can't stand my mother, but I also desperately don't want her to fail - I feel responsible for keeping her happy. Stupid I know. A shrink would have a ball with my family lol.
Anyway I'm home until probably Wednesday so my blood can stop boiling and I have to face WI on Tuesday. It's going to be bad. I have eaten junk today, takeaway chips and kebab....my excuse is that I was having a hell of a lot of neuralgia throughout my body and my blood pressure was bad (I blame it on missing medication) and a heavy dose of salt tends to fix it temporarily.... It's a feeble excuse I know lol but hey I might as well make the most of being off plan.
The next WI I'll miss because I'm at hospital but I need to attend somewhere to keep on track. There's an option of staying at my parents longer and going to a Thursday WI, so it would be a bit over a week between sessions, but that does mean staying around my mum for longer.
I'll have to see.
timmieatimbo
Full Member
Welcome back donkey. I hope your few days away from your mum will be really pleasant and relaxing. You deserve some happy you time! Xx
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
Missed wi yesterday as I had a bad migraine. Back to London today and really going to try to stay on plan- I'm bloated and tired and my skin is dry and itchy like I was pre sw. It's horrible! I want to get back on plan and feeling better now, definitely don't miss this feeling!
Lots of frozen stir fry veg, microwave steam veg and fruit for me - much harder to prepare from scratch at my parents' place so I think that's the way forward
Lots of frozen stir fry veg, microwave steam veg and fruit for me - much harder to prepare from scratch at my parents' place so I think that's the way forward
timmieatimbo
Full Member
Yay you're back! Sorry to hear you had a migraine, have you recovered from it now? It's so weird how the SW way becomes a lifestyle you actually miss. There's nothing like lots of fresh health goodies to keep you feeling good!
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
Hullo
it's pretty much gone now thanks, I can get on with my day normally again. It definitely is a way of thinking you get into. I've not eaten as well as I hoped or would at home due to my mother's insistence on using oil and the unhealthy stuff she cooks and I eat to keep the peace - she's definitely trying to sabotage a bit, but the fruit is great! Amazing how quickly you feel blergh again going back to how it was before.How's it going for you?
timmieatimbo
Full Member
Not too bad thanks donkey but I'm expecting a gain or STS this week as I have been exercising and been on nights so haven't eaten properly. I got a bit upset when I tried on a sports jacket I bought which still doesn't fit me. When I tried it on yesterday it felt tighter than it was when I first bought it about a year ago! I just feel disappointed because it's the reality check of "yes I've lost weight"... but I am not exactly at my smallest. Dunno why I got so down about it! Ahh well. What are you doing this weekend?
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
Nights have to be so difficult to get through on plan. Doesn't sound like it's anything too major though so even if it is a gain unlikely to be too much? Plus you know you'll get it back off
I know what you mean, you get to a point where you feel you've made progress and then boom, something comes along that just makes you focus on how far you have to go and that's all you can think about!
Not doing anything really, probably trying to get my mum through the last bit of the dissertation because the deadline is Tuesday. Got hospital on Tuesday, staying here for an electrician on Wednesday so might stay until Thursday and go to a WI here in the evening.
You doing anything interesting?
timmieatimbo
Full Member
Oh no you're going back home?! Not ideal. It's only for a few days though so you can do it . After this stint is that it for a while? Oh yeah nights are difficult to stay on plan because I don't feel like eating at 3am. It's too late! I tend to eat very little and that causes a gain because of not enough calories considering the exercise I do. Do you do much "body magic"?
Ahh this weekend I've got a load of guys coming over as OH is going to get the suits fitted for him and his ushers for the wedding. There'll be too much testosterone around!
. After this stint is that it for a while? Oh yeah nights are difficult to stay on plan because I don't feel like eating at 3am. It's too late! I tend to eat very little and that causes a gain because of not enough calories considering the exercise I do. Do you do much "body magic"? Ahh this weekend I've got a load of guys coming over as OH is going to get the suits fitted for him and his ushers for the wedding. There'll be too much testosterone around!
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
Oh no you're going back home?! Not ideal. It's only for a few days though so you can do it
I am back home but thankfully the dissertation is done with now and stress levels have reduced. Sitting in hospital atm for my Botox, starving! I haven't been on plan at all, my parents are always eating take away and while I've turned a few down in favour of healthier fare my snacking is awful! Never mind, I'll just have to force myself back to group at home, which should be next week.
Oooh how did the suits go?? So exciting, although yeah I can imagine a significant amount of testosterone lol
I do noooo body magic haha, partly migraines-exercise can trigger them and often my head is just too bad to do even gentle walking, but also I'm lazy as hell
Hope it's all going well??
timmieatimbo
Full Member
How did the Botox go? Will you see a difference straight away? Unfortunately I'm not brilliant at neurology but it seems neurologists do all the coolest stuff!
I'm sitting in hospital in our crappy staff room having my break. Can you believe I haven't had one since I started at 4?! Eating some cock-a-leekie soup and have my hex b cereal bars and 10 syns worth of snacks with me but it's just too late I don't fancy any of it! I think I'll have the soup, apple and grapes then leave the treats.
So what are you plans for the next few weeks?
I'm sitting in hospital in our crappy staff room having my break. Can you believe I haven't had one since I started at 4?! Eating some cock-a-leekie soup and have my hex b cereal bars and 10 syns worth of snacks with me but it's just too late I don't fancy any of it! I think I'll have the soup, apple and grapes then leave the treats.
So what are you plans for the next few weeks?
donkeysaurusrex
Full Member
It went really well thanks, sat around in the day unit for about 6 hours before having it but the actual process was really quick. It's unlikely there will be an effect before a few weeks and even then it's rare. NICE say you need a 30% improvement after 2 sessions to qualify for further sessions (and my neuro and I had a good laugh about how ridiculous that is because any further improvement and you can't have more botox, plus their idea of improvement means no pain all day and doesn't take into account a drop of pain from a 9 all day to a 3, which would be a great outcome!) so we'll compare my pain diaries before now and after the 2nd in January. I am having a bit of trouble moving my forehead though lol.
Neurology is just so interesting, there's so much to it and the brain is intriguing to pretty much everyone so neurologists must see some cool stuff. My GP once said she really enjoys getting letters from neurology departments because they're all so in depth and more interesting than others lol. But it seems so complicated - I swear my neuro is just a walking wikipedia!
I have no idea how you manage to get through shifts like that. What part of the hospital do you work in? Must be so difficult to keep on track during nights, but I suppose at least you were put off the syns - frame it in a positive light lol
Next few weeks, well, I am aiming to get home this weekend and brave sw again on Tuesday - the gain is going to be horrific. In a few weeks I'm going to Bristol for the weekend but not much in between. I need to find a job though!
timmieatimbo
Full Member
Fingers crossed it works the way NICE wants it to work! Lol yeah neurologists are amazing. I wish I were that clever!
I'm on a&e, just finished my 4th late shift in a row (4pm-1) then I have 3 night shifts to look forward to over the weekend. Bleurghh. Oh you know the exam I took the day after you finished yours? I failed spectacularly. That's £420 down the drain!
Don't worry about whatever the scales show on Tuesday - it's been totally out of your control!
What kind of job would you be after?
I'm on a&e, just finished my 4th late shift in a row (4pm-1) then I have 3 night shifts to look forward to over the weekend. Bleurghh. Oh you know the exam I took the day after you finished yours? I failed spectacularly. That's £420 down the drain!
Don't worry about whatever the scales show on Tuesday - it's been totally out of your control!
What kind of job would you be after?
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