Gg

Hey GG

Well done for your loss over Christmas and not having one last blow out!

I think it's fab that you've joined up for Zumba and football, I started an evening course this week. Something I never would have done previously, such a sense of achievement and I'm sure you'll have a fab time.

Enjoy the rest of your day! :D
 
Thanks Lizzie :)

I'm really looking forward to it. Day 3 has gone well... went to the cinema with a friend... felt really drained heading out to drive there (it's an hour drive) but am really glad I didn't give in to the desire to bail out and veg at home. Went to see Morning Glory... not a bad movie... cotton candy for the brain... but the lead character is annoying as hell!
 
Well I've had a really crap weekend. I got up on Saturday feeling really drained but kept it together until about 4pm and then the binge started and it continued until yesterday evening :( When i wasn't eating I was sleeping and today I feel rotten .. not least because of the sugar/carb hangover.

I've told everyone around me that I had a stomach bug and that's why I was AWOL but I really don't want to lie to myself or you guys in this diary. So the feelings I had Saturday.... lonely, jealous, resentful/angry, overwhelmed, scared, lazy, angry, left out....

I'm trying to figure out where all that came from... I think some of it has been adapting to coming home from UK... in a way if I was back living over there it would be easier in some ways from a social life point of view as there are a group of friends there I could slot right in with.... but I have no family there and that is one of the reasons I moved here.... to be closer to my family..... and my sister has just found out she is pregnant on her 3rd child... this is the first time I will be around for the actual pregnancy and that feels great ... she has also said she is really pleased about that ... but I guess it also makes me feel sad for the fact that I have no kids (resisted it for years!) and although I am not sure I want them it still just resonates a bit.

I know I can build a social life here (in the small town I live in) and I have plans to help me do that but I guess that just feels a bit overwhelming... starting from scratch in a way ....the thought of it is so scary in a way .....

I've also been feeling resentful a bit .. now my therapist says that resentment is anger and anger is how hurt manifests and that therefore really I am feeling hurt.... and I am... .my sister and a friend have started texting each other so I guess I feel left out....I kind of hear some things 2nd hand ....I think it's more about my sis than the friend thing.... I feel she never initiates contact ... i'll never get a random text about what's going on ... but she's texting that sort of stuff to my friend ....and I guess that comes back to the whole self-esteem thing.... that I am feeling this must be due to a flaw on my part and therefore is my responsibility.......when in reality if I work it through the things she has been texting my friend about are related to school things... my friend has 4 kids and can relate... i have none.

I think I just sometimes feel that I am doing all this work on myself and I am trying so hard to be better that I get tired... and sometimes I want people just to ring me! I say to a friend "i'll try to give you a call tomorrow" and if I don't they don't ring me. Sounds so pathetic but I think it comes back to my sense of self... and the fact that I take all this stuff so personally... makes me realise that more work needs to be done of my belief systems :-/

But I've started back on the shakes today so one day at a time eh?
 
You are doing GG and I for one would feel honoured to be ur friend.... and I live in Dublin so not far at all :D:D:D

I'm going to pm you my phone number and if you want/need to text at any time do and I promise I'll keep in touch!!!

I really do relate to a lot of what you are saying. I did a lot of the head work on myself and it is hard doing all that and nobody really understanding how hard it is to do it and how much you do need some type of emotional assistance during it. The only thing is you will come out of it stronger and the way you deal with stuff when it comes up will help you in the future.... work through all your emotions with your therapist and you will find ways of coping with them as they come up.

Lonliness used to be my big one until I actually identified what it was and it was a normal emotion to have..... once I worked through that I never felt it as hard again cos I coped with it better maybe??? I dunno but working through them certainly helped me.

I hope today is a good day for ya xxx
 
oh GG, hope you are feeling better today.

are you still off work? if so when do you think you will go back? maybe keeping busy will help.

i loved your post about procrastination, v interesting. I am the opposite of that, i NEED to do everything NOW and cannot bear letting anything wait until tomorrow so i need to learn the reverse of prcrastinating. Hope you are ok today and SO HAPPY you are back.
 
i can relate to your feelings of being left out and therefore the loneliness that follows. i don't think that many people every truly listened to me when i was larger. at school i know they didn't. hence i've always been fairly quiet and shy. i've never really stuck up for myself and have let myself me walked over. i feel so different now. why let life pass me by. if i get ignored then i'm not bothered as that person or people are obviously more interested in something else at that moment or are not really my friend.
 
Very motivating, Gg as per usual. Love the new social outings idea. It's one I should work on, too...

I'm wondering what you think of hypnosis to make me want to exercise? See my post in the general CD forum? Please? I need an arse kicking.
 
Gen...thank you for you kind words .. will send you a text.

Leeds - still off work and am hoping to go back in April. Work are letting me go through the "new employee" induction process as I have been out nearly a year and there have been a lot of management and process changes in the company. I hope to get them to agree to permanent part-time hours (60-70%); I know the Occ Health team will support that ... just have to hope the company do. The worrying thing about going back is that I assess people (via telephone) about their fitness for work in relation to their health issues and in the past I let the boundaries blur about where my responsibility for them finished and started feeling that if I failed them.. if I didn't "fix" them then I was a failure. I used to lie awake at night worrying about certain cases and would nearly feel like ringing them back and saying "talk to your GP about trying X". The clients.. to a degree... felt better as they felt someone finally "heard them" but in reality I should have been just directing them to sources of information and advising they discuss it in depth with their GP. So the big thing going back will be trying to watch those boundaries so I don't "burn out" again. But as my therapist says... I can only live in my "therapy bubble" for so long and then I have to start trying out new behaviours in real life. I will continue to see him weekly so we can talk about how I am doing in work etc and I will be on a 2-3 month rehab plan gradually building up hours worked and caseload. But eventually I have to get out of my current job situation as the company culture is difficult and the way we practice the job is totally different that the industry I first went into...... but that might mean a career change.

Great Things - I totally get what you mean. I have learnt (painfully at times over recent months) that at some stage in the past I learnt that speaking up for myself about my feelings, my needs etc caused difficulty for others (namely my parents and siblings) so I learnt not to speak up... to suppress "my voice". Now this is not about blaming others as they were doing what they felt they needed to get through the day ... but it is about accepting that I learnt a certain way of behaving/ a belief about the value of my needs as a result at a fairly early age. This belief was then re-enforced over many years and situations and for a while it worked... I got through life... but as the years went by I got more and more disconnected from myself (my instincts I guess) and this manifested as behaviour that gradually became more and more destructive psychologically. I am now learning again who I am and to have boundaries. I am learning that it is OK to be the true me (with all my fears, and imperfections) and that the people who truly love me will love me regardless/ will not leave me if I am honest with them about how I feel about things (hurt, angry, happy, upset etc). I am also learning that that honesty will most likely enhance the relationship as I am being real with them thus encouraging them to be real with me. In fact it's a relief not to be hiding anymore ...not to go home exhausted and/or feeling alone because I have spent hours protecting other people, giving their feelings/emotional comfort more importance than my own rather than acknowledging they have equal value. It's certainly not easy but each time I do it (and the world doesn't come crashing down lol) it gets easier the next time.... I think they call that positive re-enforcement ;-)

Galwaymum - can't find your other post but I would definitely recommend hypnotherapy! It's not a magical cure on it's own but what it does is help push you into taking that first step... and then the next one .. and then the next one... so that it helps create the habit. If you want I have a short mp3 of "exercise motivation" that I have just downloaded and am going to start listening to. I could email it to you or put it on a cd and snail mail it to you if you want?


So .. .bit of an epiphany in the early hours of this morning. I realised the feelings of hurt, loneliness etc that I was feeling and described in the earlier post were not really about what I thought they were about. I was deflecting.... I was trying to make myself "unattractive" and the easiest way to do this was to push people away/get angry with them by blaming them for stuff... so then I could say .. well if they won't ring me then I won't ring them.... which would then allow me to sit and wallow alone... and let all the bad thoughts come ... and then I tried to eat the bad thoughts to make myself feel worse.... self destruct here I come!

So why this self destruct cycle? If it wasn't about the other people what was it about? Yup... me of course.... or more to the point me being the "honest true me". I hooked up with an old friend while on holiday in the UK.. he's currently separated and going through some marriage difficulties and we met for dinner. One thing led to another and we ended up getting a hotel room. It was fun and what we both wanted to do that night.. there were no promises made etc... it was what it was.... 2 people enjoying each other in the moment. The problem has been with what has happened since. It started as a bit of banter and cheeky texts and phone calls. Then it led to the idea of him coming over here for a weekend ... this then escalated into the idea that the whole weekend would be focused about being "naughty".... we wouldn't get out of bed etc. And I've realised that as the agenda escalated so did my feelings of something not being quite right. But I couldn't (or wouldn't??) verbalise or face that. I just started eating at 4pm on Saturday and continued until yesterday. I have therapy on Tuesday mornings and I was even looking for an excuse to not go this morning... a really old destructive behaviour... because in all honesty I didn't want to face reality ..and my therapist does not let me hide at all (luckily). So I knew things were bad when I started thinking of dodging therapy.. .so I had to really just face it. And I realised the issue wasn't that my friend just wants to have sex with me (not a relationship... I don't want that either... it's not unrequited emotions or anything).... it's that he just wants to have sex. He is in a lot of pain due to his break up and he is medicating with sex..... it could be sex with anyone to a degree because he can lose himself and hide from himself in the fantasy and preparations. He is disconnecting from himself (to use my therapist's language) but in joining in with him I am disconnecting from myself...because I know it would not be a case of 2 people enjoying each other physically and being fully "present" for the occasion... it's distorted. And I used to hide from my pain in the same way. I used to ask why I only met men who wanted to have sex with me for their own needs... and I have realised it's because of the "script" I was putting out there when I was out. I was objectifying myself and encouraging them to do it too (but I didn't realise it at the time).... but then I hated the feelings that left me with because although consciously I didn't realise what I was doing subconsciously the red alert was flashing. ... and this triggered the need for more hiding or "medication" .. food, isolation, work.... etc. This bloke first met me when I was in the throws of all that behaviour so to a degree he probably is reading the old script because I haven't been clear about my new one.

So I have told him the weekend over his off. I now just need to arrange to ring him to talk him through where I'm at and also express my concerns about his behaviour. He probably wont' "hear" me because I think you have to be ready to "hear" otherwise you think the other person is talking a load of sh*te .... but I care about him so I have to say it.


Phew!! Well that was an out pouring... thanks for reading.
 
you, my friend, are amazing!!! Well done on all you are doing.... I am learning so much from you so thank you xxxx
 
only you can change things, as you know. you are doing a good job working through things with your therapist and looking inside yourself for answers.

you must do what you feel is right and if that means he needs to listen to you, then you make him listen. i know from my daughter thought that there's listening and then there's 'listening'.
 
GG, I always like writing that goes deeper than the surface issues. I feel the ability to go there, really go there and see ones role at the center of the dramas and chaos and emotional unheavals is what makes the difference over the long term. Though its written in public, it feels quite private so I won't comment.

Best, Bella.
 
So I've made it through another day although I feel tired and lethargic... i'm thinking that's the carb/sugar hangover. I'm also feeling a bit "fragile" I think and my dreams have been really vivid so not been waking up feeling refreshed. But I know that I have to start pushing back against the tiredness as it doesn't go away if I give in to it.

I've found over my journey with my therapist that I need to have structure and routine to help me make positive choices. It's almost like having that structure is the foundation of me caring for myself. But I've struggled to get back into my routine since xmas and I need to take a handle on it. I'm thinking of doing a supernanny style poster and putting it up in the kitchen and the sitting room to make me more conscious of it. I'm really beginning to struggle with the not working thing now and although the wheels to go back are starting to turn they are turning slowly so it's likely to be April before I go back. I need to have an active day down before then so work routine is not a total shock.
 
Gg I need your help. I'm going off sick with a view to never going back. I'm scared. Any advice? My diary has a fuller update.
 
So day 3 and I have a stonking headache. Couldn't sleep for hours last night cos my stomach was rumbling and gurgling like never before! It was unbelievable.

Spent the day at my sisters... she is 8 weeks pregnant and having really bad nausea. Her 2 year old has a fever and is like a bag of cats at the moment so I went down to babysit while she went and ran some errands and saw the GP. Had a lovely morning with Sam playing trains on the floor. She and him both went for a nap then after lunch and I cleaned the kitchen for her as a treat while they slept and then got the 9 year old from school. I feel I've had a productive day as a result but it did make me realise how positive doing that made me feel. I don't think it was so much about feeding my "love to be needed ego" (DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?) but was more about feeling part of the family on a practical as well as emotional level.

So no exercise again today because I feel so rough but am hoping this is the worst of the carb hangover and I will be able to go for a bike ride tomorrow morning. With the price of petrol now I really want to get into the habit of cycling down to and around the town for errands or walking even. There is really no excuse to take the car apart from for parcels etc and if I can fit them on the back of my bike then...
 
i think it's not a need to be loved or love to be needed i see it as a being helpful to make them feel better when they're not well.

i love the way my friends (and my family) rally round when things go wrong.

i had a friend look after ems when i had a gym session booked when it was a snow day and the kids were improptuly off school, ems best friend it was. i don't often let people help me as i feel very guilty for their help. i still feel like i owe her lol. i think i agreed as i know ems was itching to see her bestest buddy in the world. i know that i'll pay her back asap.

my other friend offered to look after ems for a few hours if i needed to go to hospital to see my mum, i booked them both into private nursery though.
 
great things said:
i think it's not a need to be loved or love to be needed i see it as a being helpful to make them feel better when they're not well.

i love the way my friends (and my family) rally round when things go wrong.

i had a friend look after ems when i had a gym session booked when it was a snow day and the kids were improptuly off school, ems best friend it was. i don't often let people help me as i feel very guilty for their help. i still feel like i owe her lol. i think i agreed as i know ems was itching to see her bestest buddy in the world. i know that i'll pay her back asap.

my other friend offered to look after ems for a few hours if i needed to go to hospital to see my mum, i booked them both into private nursery though.
Click to expand...


It's interesting Nikki how you started off that talking about loving the support offered by your friends but ended up talking about how difficult it is for you to accept that support. Why is that?



As for me.. today has a been another day on plan which i'm feeling good about.

I went to visit a friend but forgot my shakes so managed to snag a Slimfast from the local shop to get me through. I'd brought her kids some sweets and as they all sat their eating them (jellies and stuff) I heard the little voice say ".. just one small one" and the other one "you don't care if you break plan"... but I just kept saying to myself "I do care, I care about me" over and over like a mantra and it worked!

I found myself saying it again driving home as I got closer to the street that passed the chip shop... and made it home without stopping. It's like saying it made me more conscious of what this CD thing is all about for me... brought me back to focusing on what I am trying to do.
 
So a lovely day with my nephew (aged 9) apart from the hour and half stood freezing at the side of a football pitch. We then went for brunch and I sat watching him scoff a bagel with nutella and I smiled. This was followed by the cinema and him scoffing some jellies and I resisted and drank my water and then home to mine and I sat while he ate oven chips and chicken nuggets with garlic mayonnaise (my rations his access to sweets and convenience food but the agreement is we can let loose a little when he stays with me).

Oh and in between we stopped into my CDC at work for a quick weigh-in and I'm 3lbs down since restarting properly after my binge. I'll go back to normal Thursday weigh-ins from now. I'm happy with 3lbs because the lesson learnt about my boundaries and caring for myself was much more valuable :)

My CDC is so lovely.. she is becoming a friend over time and she is so proud of me and gets so excited for me when I make an emotional leap that I get a big hug lol. It feels like having an older sister which is lovely.
 
your relationship with your cdc seems lovely. well done on the loss and how you sat there with your nephew scoffing i do not know. kudos to you GG.

hope today is good for you.

ps - thanks for all your help and advice with my issues.
 
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