Well last week was a strange old week all round. I never managed to really pick myself back up and the self-sabotage continued (cancelling appointments, isolating myself, negative self-talk, day-time sleeping, staying up into the early hours, bingeing). I could see it happening but I just gave in to it.. I won't say I felt powerless because to be honest I don't think that's true, in fact it was more like I welcomed it with open arms and wrapped it around me like a favourite cosy blanket.... but conversely the cosy blanket felt a bit prickly compared to how it felt before so I couldn't really truly "lose" myself in it like I have before. I guess that's progress in a way. I contacted my CDC saying I need some time out to think about whether CD is right for me as I felt it was a waste of her time and mine to keep "re-starting"... she sent me a lovely supportive text saying she understood but also encouraging me to keep going.
So I seem to be doing OK today... have been working the programme and re-arranging all my missed appointments. I'm still exploring in my head what triggered last week and I am still veering towards fear being the trigger .. fear of stepping back into the "real" world, of leaving my "safe" bubble that I live in at the moment ..
So I've been doing some more reading from my "Adult Children of Alcoholics" book.
The theory is that adult children of alcoholics appear to have characteristics in common as a result of being raised in an alcoholic home. The degree of the characteristic can vary from individual to individual. The characteristics are:
- Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
- Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
- Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
- Have become an alcoholic (or addict) yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
- Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
- An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
- Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
- An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
- A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
- Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
- Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.
- Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
- Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
- Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
- A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.
When my therapist first raised to me the suggestion that I was an ACOA I really couldn't see it. I mean my Dad drank but not always, yes he had massive binges a couple of times a year which resulted in huge fights which often included him waking a neighbour at 3am accusing them of having an affair with my mum but that was more about his jealousy than alcohol, yes he hid evidence of his drinking (hiding empty cans in the shed etc) but that was because he had been told by his diabetic consultant that he shouldn't drink anymore at all i.e was for medical reasons and he always battled with the doctors... the list of "reasons" goes on.
But as we discussed alcoholic behaviours more I began to see the "family disease" aspect.. i.e. how his drinking impacted on us all and how it brought so much negativity into our home, how it made him emotionally unavailable as a husband and a father. And then I began to see how that affected my core beliefs... and how i had all of the characteristics above.
And I think some of those characteristics came into play last week.. the fear of authority figures, the avoidance of feelings, the poor problem solving etc.
I don't "blame" my Dad.. he had his own demons and didn't have any insight into them.. but I am beginning to really acknowledge the role his behaviour (and my Mum's in the interplay between them) affected my beliefs about myself. And I can see that I am breaking the cycle.. that I am learning other ways of doing things .. and that I will make mistakes but as long as I keep working on myself (with my therapist) I will continue to make overall positive progress.
Thanks for reading
