Gg
- Thread starter Goreygirl
- Start date
Goreygirl
Gold Member
Hey Gen (and anyone else who is kind enough to take the time out to read
Another day 100% so feeling good in the moment!
Also getting more confident about listening to my instincts about people/situations and acting on what they tell me. I met a guy last week very briefly ...we swapped email addresses and chatted a bit over MSN over the last few days and arranged to meet for coffee this Wednesday. As the chats proceeded I started feeling a bit uneasy... he seemed to put himself down a lot even though he hid it in jokes... he also kept trying to push the conversation to "deep and meaningful" and when I refused to go there was all "oh.. are you shy.. i'm an open book .. you can ask me anything". My feelings were that you don't do deep and meaningful over MSN and that those conversations are had as you get to know someone gradually. Anyway yesterday someone I grew up with but hadn't seen in years died in a hit and run and today there was some chat about it on my Facebook page... he saw it and started texting me saying "aw hon,, hope you are OK.. i'm here if you need me .. just call if you want to talk"... I've met this guy once for 5 minutes!!!
So I texted when I got home saying "sorry but I have realised that I am not ready to date due to some stuff going on in my personal life so am going to cancel our meeting up. I wish you well" and I have just gotten a barrage of texts going from "why can't we still meet, i'd be happy as friends and then see what happens" to (because I didn't answer immediately) "I must say I am very disappointed you are not answering my texts... I thought more of you than that!".
Methinks I am well out of that one! I feel such a sense of relief!
Another day 100% so feeling good in the moment!
Also getting more confident about listening to my instincts about people/situations and acting on what they tell me. I met a guy last week very briefly ...we swapped email addresses and chatted a bit over MSN over the last few days and arranged to meet for coffee this Wednesday. As the chats proceeded I started feeling a bit uneasy... he seemed to put himself down a lot even though he hid it in jokes... he also kept trying to push the conversation to "deep and meaningful" and when I refused to go there was all "oh.. are you shy.. i'm an open book .. you can ask me anything". My feelings were that you don't do deep and meaningful over MSN and that those conversations are had as you get to know someone gradually. Anyway yesterday someone I grew up with but hadn't seen in years died in a hit and run and today there was some chat about it on my Facebook page... he saw it and started texting me saying "aw hon,, hope you are OK.. i'm here if you need me .. just call if you want to talk"... I've met this guy once for 5 minutes!!!
So I texted when I got home saying "sorry but I have realised that I am not ready to date due to some stuff going on in my personal life so am going to cancel our meeting up. I wish you well" and I have just gotten a barrage of texts going from "why can't we still meet, i'd be happy as friends and then see what happens" to (because I didn't answer immediately) "I must say I am very disappointed you are not answering my texts... I thought more of you than that!".
Methinks I am well out of that one! I feel such a sense of relief!
Eeeeeek!!!
Sorry to hear about the hit and run accident... life is so precious!!!
I'm not sure what to say about the guy.... I have to say I'd have said what he said about being there if ya needed someone to talk to after seeing that on your facebook, although I don't know what was on your facebook, but I'd have shown the same concern... The deep and meaning stuff though would scare me a lil bit.
Hope you have a lovely day
xxxxxxxxxx
Sorry to hear about the hit and run accident... life is so precious!!!
I'm not sure what to say about the guy.... I have to say I'd have said what he said about being there if ya needed someone to talk to after seeing that on your facebook, although I don't know what was on your facebook, but I'd have shown the same concern... The deep and meaning stuff though would scare me a lil bit.
Hope you have a lovely day
xxxxxxxxxx
MinnieMel
Why Be Normal?
Hi Gg,
Just read through the last few weeks' of your posts. You are brutally honest with yourself and others -- your hard work in threapy shows in your postings.
Good call on "not seeing" the 5 minute man. He sounds very needy, and you do not need someone so potentially draining.
I visited Wexford last summer when we rented a cottage in Fethard, it was lovely but looked to be very economically depressed. I hope things improve in Ireland soon. It is a magical land.
MinnieMel
Just read through the last few weeks' of your posts. You are brutally honest with yourself and others -- your hard work in threapy shows in your postings.
Good call on "not seeing" the 5 minute man. He sounds very needy, and you do not need someone so potentially draining.
I visited Wexford last summer when we rented a cottage in Fethard, it was lovely but looked to be very economically depressed. I hope things improve in Ireland soon. It is a magical land.
MinnieMel
Goreygirl
Gold Member
@ Gen.. I think if it had been that on it's own I wouldn't have freaked so much... but he was all over my FB page saying hi to my friends etc too so that was kind of the final straw.
@ Minnieme... thank you so much for your kind words. My therapist leaves me no hiding places.
We were talking today about how that guy may have escalated his behaviour/contact based on mine... how he may have misread the "script" I was giving out to feed his own distortions/issues. This was interesting because it very much (to me) felt like I used to behave/act before I went into therapy.
We were talking about the first conversation I had with him last Thursday on MSN.... and how my actions may have led him to believe I was paying as much attention to him as he was to me. Some of the things we came up with were:
- he didn't know I was chatting simultaneously to at least one other person
- the speed of my response to him may have led him to believe I was much more invested in "our connection" than I was ..i.e. I was at least as equally as invested as him.
- by chatting to him 2 nights in a row for up to a few hours each time may have fed into this misreading of my signals.
Apparently in every interaction there is "arousal" on both sides (be it anger, interest, happiness etc) and that arousal can spiral out of reality into fantasy/exaggeration particularly in people who have maybe not have the healthiest of subconscious beliefs themselves. So my interaction allowed this guy to feed his arousal so that he hyped it all up ... and I wasn't on the same page... i wasn't even in the same book!
My therapist says unhealthy attracts unhealthy... as the subconscious beliefs will feed each other .. for e.g. my last relationship was full of drama.. and I realise now I, deep down, recognised love as withdrawal, distance, emotional disconnect as punishment etc because that is what I had experienced as a child. As a result of my distorted beliefs I was in fact emotionally unavailable for a healthy relationship... subconsciously my ex recognised that in me and found it attractive because he knew, without realising, that I would never really ask him to step up to the plate and be in a proper, mutually loving, caring and respectful relationship which suited his trust issues. And around and around we went not understanding why we couldn't just get on with it.. I can see now it was doomed from the start. Even though I am now much more aware of stuff and in a much healthier place I have to be constantly vigilant because it's so easy to be drawn back in as I nearly was last weekend.
@ Minnieme... thank you so much for your kind words. My therapist leaves me no hiding places.
We were talking today about how that guy may have escalated his behaviour/contact based on mine... how he may have misread the "script" I was giving out to feed his own distortions/issues. This was interesting because it very much (to me) felt like I used to behave/act before I went into therapy.
We were talking about the first conversation I had with him last Thursday on MSN.... and how my actions may have led him to believe I was paying as much attention to him as he was to me. Some of the things we came up with were:
- he didn't know I was chatting simultaneously to at least one other person
- the speed of my response to him may have led him to believe I was much more invested in "our connection" than I was ..i.e. I was at least as equally as invested as him.
- by chatting to him 2 nights in a row for up to a few hours each time may have fed into this misreading of my signals.
Apparently in every interaction there is "arousal" on both sides (be it anger, interest, happiness etc) and that arousal can spiral out of reality into fantasy/exaggeration particularly in people who have maybe not have the healthiest of subconscious beliefs themselves. So my interaction allowed this guy to feed his arousal so that he hyped it all up ... and I wasn't on the same page... i wasn't even in the same book!
My therapist says unhealthy attracts unhealthy... as the subconscious beliefs will feed each other .. for e.g. my last relationship was full of drama.. and I realise now I, deep down, recognised love as withdrawal, distance, emotional disconnect as punishment etc because that is what I had experienced as a child. As a result of my distorted beliefs I was in fact emotionally unavailable for a healthy relationship... subconsciously my ex recognised that in me and found it attractive because he knew, without realising, that I would never really ask him to step up to the plate and be in a proper, mutually loving, caring and respectful relationship which suited his trust issues. And around and around we went not understanding why we couldn't just get on with it.. I can see now it was doomed from the start. Even though I am now much more aware of stuff and in a much healthier place I have to be constantly vigilant because it's so easy to be drawn back in as I nearly was last weekend.
Eeeeeek at him being all over your facebook... that would sh1t me totally out!!!!!!!
You are doing great and should be so proud of yourself.
Thanks sooo much for your support... even though I know I did day one on my own... I think letting you know I was doing it was putting it out there that I needed/wanted support and you stepped up to the plate and I thank you for that
Chat soon xxxx
You are doing great and should be so proud of yourself.
Thanks sooo much for your support... even though I know I did day one on my own... I think letting you know I was doing it was putting it out there that I needed/wanted support and you stepped up to the plate and I thank you for that
Chat soon xxxx
Goreygirl
Gold Member
So it's been a busy week in a way... lots of sorting and doing.
Was at my sisters's all day Monday to mind the toddler and do the school run for the 9 year old as she was ill and couldn't get out of the bed. I was there again on Tuesday morning as she had a hospital appointment with her diabetic consultant as she is 9 weeks pregnant (woohoo!). She came home very upset though as it turns out part of her tiredness over the last 2 weeks was not just pregnancy nausea and the head cold but her diabetes being affected by the pregnancy and now she has to start insulin (against all the odds and her consultant's expectations she had managed to control it with diet and exercise up until now).
Anyway then I had the dreaded dentist in the afternoon... the dentist himself was a lush Italian called Martin but while in the chair I had a flashback to a childhood dentist experience (me being held down by the shoulders while the dentist levered himself with a foot against the chair while he pulled out a tooth... all the time giving out to me for crying)... it was really unexpected and I was upset I got so upset if you know what I mean! The dentist was very gentle though and we carried on. I have to go back next week for 4 fillings.. am having them all done in one go to get them over with... but Diazapam here i come!)
As isolation is one of my big triggers for eating (fill the emptiness and feeling of disconnect) and I live in a town where I don't know anyone local I've really been trying to work on ways to sort that. So as a result I went to a community meeting on Tuesday where they were looking for volunteers to teach conversational English to immigrants in an informal small group setting. There was a real mix of people there including a few around my age who are also new to the area so we are going back next week to the training and then it's every Wednesday evening for 2 hours during term time.
I also feel so good about sticking to my instincts about that bloke (mentioned above) and not going on a date; might seem like such a small thing but for me it was a huge thing because I was "present" in reality, I saw and registered the warning signs that it might not be good for me and I made the choice to take action on those signs
I've managed to stick to the plan too 100% so now am 49lbs down which is great
Was at my sisters's all day Monday to mind the toddler and do the school run for the 9 year old as she was ill and couldn't get out of the bed. I was there again on Tuesday morning as she had a hospital appointment with her diabetic consultant as she is 9 weeks pregnant (woohoo!). She came home very upset though as it turns out part of her tiredness over the last 2 weeks was not just pregnancy nausea and the head cold but her diabetes being affected by the pregnancy and now she has to start insulin (against all the odds and her consultant's expectations she had managed to control it with diet and exercise up until now).
Anyway then I had the dreaded dentist in the afternoon... the dentist himself was a lush Italian called Martin but while in the chair I had a flashback to a childhood dentist experience (me being held down by the shoulders while the dentist levered himself with a foot against the chair while he pulled out a tooth... all the time giving out to me for crying)... it was really unexpected and I was upset I got so upset if you know what I mean! The dentist was very gentle though and we carried on. I have to go back next week for 4 fillings.. am having them all done in one go to get them over with... but Diazapam here i come!)
As isolation is one of my big triggers for eating (fill the emptiness and feeling of disconnect) and I live in a town where I don't know anyone local I've really been trying to work on ways to sort that. So as a result I went to a community meeting on Tuesday where they were looking for volunteers to teach conversational English to immigrants in an informal small group setting. There was a real mix of people there including a few around my age who are also new to the area so we are going back next week to the training and then it's every Wednesday evening for 2 hours during term time.
I also feel so good about sticking to my instincts about that bloke (mentioned above) and not going on a date; might seem like such a small thing but for me it was a huge thing because I was "present" in reality, I saw and registered the warning signs that it might not be good for me and I made the choice to take action on those signs
I've managed to stick to the plan too 100% so now am 49lbs down which is great
Goreygirl
Gold Member
God it's so frustrating!!!
Everytime I take 2 steps forward I seem to take one step back! The only thing saving me from total self-disgust is that I can see it's only one step back but it's not making it feel any better really.
Friday evening I felt great about CD etc... felt really in the zone... tried on my pair of "goal jeans" (size 14 from Asda bought 4 years ago.. still with tags on) and whereas before xmas they barely came up past my knees now I can get them nearly up over my bum! I was so thrilled and I went to bed in a great mood.
Saturday morning I got up and was all set to go out and meet the leader of the local cycling club for my assessment bike ride and 15 minutes before I met him I cancelled via text with some stupid excuse about having a stomach bug!! I mean I was sitting there in my cycling clothes and I just bailed!! Why???? I just remember feeling scared .. but what of I am not so sure. Scared of failing? Scared of looking stupid? Scared of succeeding? Scared of committing to something? Scared of getting out of my comfort zone? Scared of getting well and facing the reality of going back to work?
I also felt resentful of my sister... that I feel I always tend to initiate contact and extend the invites to do something. My therapist says resentment is an expression of hurt so I guess I felt/feel hurt. It feels that she does not wonder what I am doing and in not wondering does not care. I sometimes feel that I could go out and do something and if something happened to me no-one (or do I mean just my sister and brother?) would realise for days Or is that just my addiction rationalising for me the excuse I need to give in to my drug?
I also decided yesterday to go visit my brother in Sweden again (only for 3 days and this time I will email my sis in law in advance about being on CD so I will NOT be eating and she knows not to expect me to eat) because I really want to see my nephews again. I also want to talk to my brother.. not about the past .. but about how we are with each other now.. that how he doesn't reply to emails or texts makes me feel forgotten and "less"... if that makes sense.
So I think I knew that once I had cancelled the cycling thing the addiction pre-occupation (The Three Stages of Drug Addiction | The Canyon - Malibu, California) had begun and it was only a matter of time... in fact (like all addicts) I felt disappointed with myself but also defiant at the same time. I could have so easily (and the thought crossed my mind) texted my sister, admitted I was feeling lonely and she would have immediately asked me to come down) but I didn't/ refused to do that... to spite myself??? No .. instead I cracked open the biscuit pack that has been inside for 2 weeks and took it to bed and ate it while lying in bed reading.
So then I started justifying... I would "have pizza and ice-cream tonight" and then tomorrow (Sunday) I would hit the gym hard and exercise it off... I could have my cake and eat it... but of course Sunday (today) saw me going to the shop for the Sunday paper and chocolate. And I've alternated between self-pity, anger, depression, promises not to do it again etc all day. But i've also face some more truths about myself... I am an addict.... I know that theoretically and thought I had accepted it but it seems I had buried that acceptance.. that is back now. I have to face the reality that having that first bit of sugar is risking a full on binge. Like an alcoholic I have to face the fact that for me sugar/white flour is off the menu for me if I want to stop addiction controlling my life and becoming progressively worse... because there is no "controlling" addiction... you are either a user or you aren't.
I also realised that being back in contact with my ex is not doing me any good (we've been back in text contact about a week). I've realised I wanted that to make me feel better, less lonely.. but ultimately it just makes me feel more lonely no matter what lies I tell myself about how it means nothing. It might not mean anything from the point of view that I don't love him anymore (not even sure I really like him) but it does mean something from the point of view that he as a destructive influence in my life and that it says something about my core beliefs and self esteem levels that I justify choosing to let that influence back in. So I have deleted all the numbers and am going "No Contact" (The No Contact Rule | Baggage Reclaim) as I know this is the only way forwards. I HAVE TO stop looking for validation from others and learn to find it in myself!!!
I'm also scared about going back to work... I was supposed to speak to the work Dr on Friday and sat waiting for the call but there was a mix-up with the appointment so now I have to wait until Wednesday. This is the most well (psychologically) that I have felt in relation to my depression in 2-3 years and I am so scared of it going back... scared that my changes in my core beliefs are not on firm foundations yet and that the work thing will cause them to crumble .. .that I won't be able to keep work within the psychological boundaries it needs.... that old habits will creep back in and send me back to where I was.
So the last bits of chocolate are going in the bin and CD starts again from now. I am not going to justify having more food tonight by saying I can start again tomorrow.. I have to start again now by drinking water for the next hour or two before bed to try and start flushing the sugar out.
Lots to talk to my therapist on Tuesday about methinks.....
Everytime I take 2 steps forward I seem to take one step back! The only thing saving me from total self-disgust is that I can see it's only one step back but it's not making it feel any better really.
Friday evening I felt great about CD etc... felt really in the zone... tried on my pair of "goal jeans" (size 14 from Asda bought 4 years ago.. still with tags on) and whereas before xmas they barely came up past my knees now I can get them nearly up over my bum! I was so thrilled and I went to bed in a great mood.
Saturday morning I got up and was all set to go out and meet the leader of the local cycling club for my assessment bike ride and 15 minutes before I met him I cancelled via text with some stupid excuse about having a stomach bug!! I mean I was sitting there in my cycling clothes and I just bailed!! Why???? I just remember feeling scared .. but what of I am not so sure. Scared of failing? Scared of looking stupid? Scared of succeeding? Scared of committing to something? Scared of getting out of my comfort zone? Scared of getting well and facing the reality of going back to work?
I also felt resentful of my sister... that I feel I always tend to initiate contact and extend the invites to do something. My therapist says resentment is an expression of hurt so I guess I felt/feel hurt. It feels that she does not wonder what I am doing and in not wondering does not care. I sometimes feel that I could go out and do something and if something happened to me no-one (or do I mean just my sister and brother?) would realise for days
Or is that just my addiction rationalising for me the excuse I need to give in to my drug?I also decided yesterday to go visit my brother in Sweden again (only for 3 days and this time I will email my sis in law in advance about being on CD so I will NOT be eating and she knows not to expect me to eat) because I really want to see my nephews again. I also want to talk to my brother.. not about the past .. but about how we are with each other now.. that how he doesn't reply to emails or texts makes me feel forgotten and "less"... if that makes sense.
So I think I knew that once I had cancelled the cycling thing the addiction pre-occupation (The Three Stages of Drug Addiction | The Canyon - Malibu, California) had begun and it was only a matter of time... in fact (like all addicts) I felt disappointed with myself but also defiant at the same time. I could have so easily (and the thought crossed my mind) texted my sister, admitted I was feeling lonely and she would have immediately asked me to come down) but I didn't/ refused to do that... to spite myself??? No .. instead I cracked open the biscuit pack that has been inside for 2 weeks and took it to bed and ate it while lying in bed reading.
So then I started justifying... I would "have pizza and ice-cream tonight" and then tomorrow (Sunday) I would hit the gym hard and exercise it off... I could have my cake and eat it... but of course Sunday (today) saw me going to the shop for the Sunday paper and chocolate. And I've alternated between self-pity, anger, depression, promises not to do it again etc all day. But i've also face some more truths about myself... I am an addict.... I know that theoretically and thought I had accepted it but it seems I had buried that acceptance.. that is back now. I have to face the reality that having that first bit of sugar is risking a full on binge. Like an alcoholic I have to face the fact that for me sugar/white flour is off the menu for me if I want to stop addiction controlling my life and becoming progressively worse... because there is no "controlling" addiction... you are either a user or you aren't.
I also realised that being back in contact with my ex is not doing me any good (we've been back in text contact about a week). I've realised I wanted that to make me feel better, less lonely.. but ultimately it just makes me feel more lonely no matter what lies I tell myself about how it means nothing. It might not mean anything from the point of view that I don't love him anymore (not even sure I really like him) but it does mean something from the point of view that he as a destructive influence in my life and that it says something about my core beliefs and self esteem levels that I justify choosing to let that influence back in. So I have deleted all the numbers and am going "No Contact" (The No Contact Rule | Baggage Reclaim) as I know this is the only way forwards. I HAVE TO stop looking for validation from others and learn to find it in myself!!!
I'm also scared about going back to work... I was supposed to speak to the work Dr on Friday and sat waiting for the call but there was a mix-up with the appointment so now I have to wait until Wednesday. This is the most well (psychologically) that I have felt in relation to my depression in 2-3 years and I am so scared of it going back... scared that my changes in my core beliefs are not on firm foundations yet and that the work thing will cause them to crumble .. .that I won't be able to keep work within the psychological boundaries it needs.... that old habits will creep back in and send me back to where I was.
So the last bits of chocolate are going in the bin and CD starts again from now. I am not going to justify having more food tonight by saying I can start again tomorrow.. I have to start again now by drinking water for the next hour or two before bed to try and start flushing the sugar out.
Lots to talk to my therapist on Tuesday about methinks.....
Goreygirl
Gold Member
Well today has been a bit better in that i've stuck to CD but I still feel flat and tired. I'm not sure if the tiredness is mental or physical ... i just know it's very demotivating. If it is physical I know that I have to start getting more active as that is the only way to break it. I'm seeing my GP on Thursday so I might ask him to book me in for a blood test just to ensure there is no thyroid issue or anything.
MinnieMel
Why Be Normal?
Hi Gg,
It is certainly worth finding out. Also, ask him to check your vitamin levels -- they do not routinely do this, but that can cause fatigue and in these isles on low light -- it is a bigger problem than people realise.
I have a SAD light ... that might help you, too.
MM
It is certainly worth finding out. Also, ask him to check your vitamin levels -- they do not routinely do this, but that can cause fatigue and in these isles on low light -- it is a bigger problem than people realise.
I have a SAD light ... that might help you, too.
MM
oh gg, hope you are feeling better today. I know i'm a bit of an addict. had a good day yesterday, ate well and exercised but once the kids were in bed and i began feeling low I wanted to eat. food is my comfort and i knew i wanted to eat to comfort myself and medicate my mood. i had an apple to part gave in but i am glad i am starting to recognise it now and resist. wish everyone would wake up and realise that food is an addiction to many and it needs addressing.
anyway, fab post as always and has got me thinking. as for work, if it is triggering you feeling low then i would say that you may not be ready to go back just yet. hope you are ok and glad you are doing community stuff. also, re your sister, i know from my experience that i was SO self obsessed when i was pregnant (you cant help but be like that sometimes as it becomes all about how you feel, hows the baby, how bigs the tummy?) so dont take it personally if your sis doesnt seem interested. after my last pregnancy my sis told me that i had practically ignored her for 9 months and she felt shut out and that i didnt want to know about her anymore. she was right, i was totally self obsessed for 9 months. hope you are having a good day today.
anyway, fab post as always and has got me thinking. as for work, if it is triggering you feeling low then i would say that you may not be ready to go back just yet. hope you are ok and glad you are doing community stuff. also, re your sister, i know from my experience that i was SO self obsessed when i was pregnant (you cant help but be like that sometimes as it becomes all about how you feel, hows the baby, how bigs the tummy?) so dont take it personally if your sis doesnt seem interested. after my last pregnancy my sis told me that i had practically ignored her for 9 months and she felt shut out and that i didnt want to know about her anymore. she was right, i was totally self obsessed for 9 months. hope you are having a good day today.
MinnieMel
Why Be Normal?
Waz Up???
Hi Gg,
Waz up? I thought you were seeing your therapist today. Did it not go well? Tough session?
I am sorry you are being so hard on yourself... you are certainly none of those adjectives you used to describe yourself (or at least how you are feeling about yourself).
I wish there was something I could write that would make you feel better about all the things that are getting you down atm. But, I don't have a clue -- why you would think someone as funny, literate, clever, hard-working, and caring as you, should be described as the complete opposite.
All I can say is "sending big hugs your way!"
:gen126:
MM
stupid, fat, horrible, useless, a fake.... that's how I feel today
Hi Gg,
Waz up? I thought you were seeing your therapist today. Did it not go well? Tough session?
I am sorry you are being so hard on yourself... you are certainly none of those adjectives you used to describe yourself (or at least how you are feeling about yourself).
I wish there was something I could write that would make you feel better about all the things that are getting you down atm. But, I don't have a clue -- why you would think someone as funny, literate, clever, hard-working, and caring as you, should be described as the complete opposite.
All I can say is "sending big hugs your way!"
:gen126:
MM
Goreygirl
Gold Member
Hi guys
Thank you so much for your kind words over the last couple of days. I felt so low and it was like I could see myself doing all the behaviours that would make it worse but I couldn't stop myself. I even cancelled my therapy yesterday as I just felt so raw I couldn't cope with the idea of exposing myself anymore. I haven't cancelled therapy in months!! And I feel dreadful for doing it and I know my therapist will know exactly what I am at. He has said before he doesn't judge me but I still feel that I have been "bad" when I do this stuff.
I'm up and dressed today and am determined not to give in to the pull of the depression... I have the water bottle beside me and as soon as I have spoken to the work doctor at 11 I have a couple of hours of housework planned to keep me busy.
I think Leeds is right....aspects of what triggers my depression lie in a shallow grave I have realised and although I feel 100% better in certain ways I don't think work is an option yet. It's just too psychologically demanding on a day to day basis and I am not yet confident of my skills to cope with that.
I also think I tried to set myself too many "get out" goals and overwhelmed myself. I signed up to Zumba, the volunteer programme, said I'd join the cycling club and the book club all at the same time and then felt overwhelmed by it all and hid from the challenge. I felt on such a high after coping with xmas that this knocked me for six.
But I have to learn from these experiences... I have to force myself to do what I know works for me... and that is starting my routine early .. i.e no lying in bed, making sure I keep myself occupied during the weekend etc .. I have to make sure that I keep to that because it's those small steps that help keep the bad feelings away.. they are the positive choices that help my day continue on a positive vein.
As for CD .... I am going to try again but I am going to cancel this weeks weigh-in and tell my CDC I just need some time ... because it's too much pressure this week. I'll tell her I'll be in touch when I'm ready to go again but in the meantime will try to do CD anyway (have over a weeks worth of packs at the moment).
Thank you so much for your kind words over the last couple of days. I felt so low and it was like I could see myself doing all the behaviours that would make it worse but I couldn't stop myself. I even cancelled my therapy yesterday as I just felt so raw I couldn't cope with the idea of exposing myself anymore. I haven't cancelled therapy in months!! And I feel dreadful for doing it and I know my therapist will know exactly what I am at. He has said before he doesn't judge me but I still feel that I have been "bad" when I do this stuff.
I'm up and dressed today and am determined not to give in to the pull of the depression... I have the water bottle beside me and as soon as I have spoken to the work doctor at 11 I have a couple of hours of housework planned to keep me busy.
I think Leeds is right....aspects of what triggers my depression lie in a shallow grave I have realised and although I feel 100% better in certain ways I don't think work is an option yet. It's just too psychologically demanding on a day to day basis and I am not yet confident of my skills to cope with that.
I also think I tried to set myself too many "get out" goals and overwhelmed myself. I signed up to Zumba, the volunteer programme, said I'd join the cycling club and the book club all at the same time and then felt overwhelmed by it all and hid from the challenge. I felt on such a high after coping with xmas that this knocked me for six.
But I have to learn from these experiences... I have to force myself to do what I know works for me... and that is starting my routine early .. i.e no lying in bed, making sure I keep myself occupied during the weekend etc .. I have to make sure that I keep to that because it's those small steps that help keep the bad feelings away.. they are the positive choices that help my day continue on a positive vein.
As for CD .... I am going to try again but I am going to cancel this weeks weigh-in and tell my CDC I just need some time ... because it's too much pressure this week. I'll tell her I'll be in touch when I'm ready to go again but in the meantime will try to do CD anyway (have over a weeks worth of packs at the moment).
MinnieMel
Why Be Normal?
Hi Gg,
This sounds very sensible.
If I try to change to many things at one time... it all goes pear shaped. I found that if I make a change, I must give my life time to adjust to the change.
Then, after a couple of weeks or so, I am usually able to make another change. Again, I have to wait for the adjustment and then I can continue with changes.
I started with CD on Dec. 27th -- and waited until I was into ketosis, able to cook, etc. and only then did I start going to Monday Aquafit (the 10th).
Only after I had managed a couple of Aquafit classes and wasn't too sore afterwards, did I Start Saturday Zumba (and this is a Rosemary Conley Class -- so, I plan to have my weight monitored at this class). That was the 29th.
-- and I thought that today (the 9th) I might add in a Wednesday morning Aquafit or Zumba class. But, I am not feeling it. I struggle on gray gloomy days.
But, I can do some Wednesday home fitness or go to the gym. I'll see how the day unfolds.
One I am "up" to three fitness classes (or activities a week), I have to give my life time adjust to the all the changes --
and as I get closer to goal and go up in plans (learning to eat properly). I am hoping that these changes will have become a permanent part of life.
I want this weight loss to stay lost. I know I have to make permanent (but sustainable) changes to my life for that to be the case.
I hope that you're feeling better soon. One day at time.
MM
This sounds very sensible.
If I try to change to many things at one time... it all goes pear shaped. I found that if I make a change, I must give my life time to adjust to the change.
Then, after a couple of weeks or so, I am usually able to make another change. Again, I have to wait for the adjustment and then I can continue with changes.
I started with CD on Dec. 27th -- and waited until I was into ketosis, able to cook, etc. and only then did I start going to Monday Aquafit (the 10th).
Only after I had managed a couple of Aquafit classes and wasn't too sore afterwards, did I Start Saturday Zumba (and this is a Rosemary Conley Class -- so, I plan to have my weight monitored at this class). That was the 29th.
-- and I thought that today (the 9th) I might add in a Wednesday morning Aquafit or Zumba class. But, I am not feeling it. I struggle on gray gloomy days.
But, I can do some Wednesday home fitness or go to the gym. I'll see how the day unfolds.
One I am "up" to three fitness classes (or activities a week), I have to give my life time adjust to the all the changes --
and as I get closer to goal and go up in plans (learning to eat properly). I am hoping that these changes will have become a permanent part of life.
I want this weight loss to stay lost. I know I have to make permanent (but sustainable) changes to my life for that to be the case.
I hope that you're feeling better soon. One day at time.
MM
Goreygirl
Gold Member
Well spoke to the work doc and he wants me to attempt to go back to work.. he thinks I am medically capable and that allowing the fear to hold me back will not do me any favours.
Essentially I've been told I have to make a decision either way.. try or decide to leave. But he is going to advise a gradual build up of hours worked to a maximum of 50% work day only.. not attempt to go full time.
So now I have to wait to hear from my manager to discuss the plan for going back. I have to see it as a positive .. that the routine will do me good etc.. but I want to see if they will support a return in 6 weeks.... that I go up to the team meeting in Glasgow in March to see the team again ... and then restart in April. I hope they suddenly don't go full steam ahead in trying to get me back for March.
Essentially I've been told I have to make a decision either way.. try or decide to leave. But he is going to advise a gradual build up of hours worked to a maximum of 50% work day only.. not attempt to go full time.
So now I have to wait to hear from my manager to discuss the plan for going back. I have to see it as a positive .. that the routine will do me good etc.. but I want to see if they will support a return in 6 weeks.... that I go up to the team meeting in Glasgow in March to see the team again ... and then restart in April. I hope they suddenly don't go full steam ahead in trying to get me back for March.
