Today i got an email from my cousin asking me if i am coming to the family get together this May.
Every year since 1993 we have had a family get reunion and the past 7 years i have not gone.
It is a very special weekend away as my grandfather set up a family circle which is all his brothers and sisters and their children,grand children and great grand children all get together in a posh hotel for the weekend and he paid for us all, when he died 8 years ago he left shares in his company to make sure we continue to meet up for many years.
I come from a very traditional jewish family and i am the black sheep of the family big time, the only person who dated a non jew,the only person who had a child not being married and was a single parent living in a council house and def the only person ever to have a bi racial child and there is plenty more they most probabaly look down at me 4 !!
For the past 8 years i have not gone to the weekend aways as i feel shame for my family to see the way i look so i have always made excuses but that meant Aaron missed out seeing his family and that was not fair but unfortunately that still did not give me the courage to go.
The last 4 years Aaron has gone with my uncle and shared a room with my cousin who is just 3 years older than him and he has a wicked time and loves going.
Well last time i oromised him that i would go in 2007 and they weekend is usually is october around Halloween time but now they have bought the weeeknd forward to May 18/20 and i cant break my promise to Aaron i have to go.
This has worried me big time and i just sat here crying my eyes out as i am so worried about it, also i know the oast is the past and i cant change it but i hate myself for what i have done to myself and the person i have allowed myself to turn into.
When it comes to diet i never stick to one,i chop and change more times than i have hot dinners from Sw,Ww,Rc,LL,Cd and am sure plenty others but i cant think of them even having a gastric balloon inserted which was a massive waste of 5 grand.
I have wasted so much precious time that i can nevr get back and i am now 39 yrs old and super morbodly obese, a prisoner in my home and body all becuase i am a weak minded stupid lady !!!!
My gp said she would put me forward now for Wls as things are so bad for me now, but i told her i am going to try one more time, i know i have said so many times i am going to Ss or so another plan and failed at the first hurdle but i cant give up I DONT WANT 2 DIE AND IF I GAIN ANY MORE WEIGHT I WONT BE AROUND TO SEE AARON LEAVE SCHOOL !!
I am going to ss again yes i have said it many time and posted on her 2 many times that i am going to ss again and fail at the first hurdle but i cant take my life any longer at the weight.
I am going to ss with Lipotrim and i have spoken to the Pharmacy and have made an app to see him on Monday 22nd to pick up my packs.
The reason why i am not starting 2morrow is that i know i need to cut out my carbs b4 attempting to Ss and i also have to go and look for a car next week and the puppy for Aaron that it will be impossible for me as i have so much to do it will take so much out of me being out and about that i dont know if i could cope with Ssing as well,especially in the first week of Ssing when i usually feel pretty crappy.
Getting Cellulitus really scared me and has been very painfull and my sciatica bouts are becoming more and more regular like every 10 days or so and i know that if i had to call an ambulance out i would not let them carry me down the stairs and i would insist on crawling to the stairs of my flat then going down on my arse no matter how much pain i was in and i would feel so shame and that could easy happen to me at any time.
This is my last chance of trying to lose weight on my own b4 i opt for the gastric bypass where i could die on the table so i have to sucseed, i love Aaron so much i could not imagine not being there to watch him grow up and also what it would do to him if i died becuase of my own selfish reasons as i cant stop stuffing my face with food.
Sorry if this has been a morbid upsetting post but this is how i feel but i think i had to get to the lowest point in my life to realise how bad my life has become !!
Do it for you, do it for Aaron those are the only two people who are dependant upon your will-power and determination. Ease yourself in if you have to. Eat chicken with your evening shake if you have to, but all I ask is you never give up. You'll love yourself so much more if you don't. Additionally, your family's opinions and condescenion will mean a whole lot less ... hmmm ... I reckon about 6 stones less .... if you battle. The stronger you get within yourself, the more formidable your coat of armour.
