Well day 3 for me and my Sciatica has eased up a bit but i am feeling very down today.
As i sit here today i have been thinking about how much of my life i have wasted and i am practically 39 well i will be in 5 weeks time and i dont have a career, i am a single parent on benefits and no partner and totally on my own and the friends i used to have seem to be only around when the good times were around and now i have been at a low stage in my life i find myself totally on my own and wonder why do i attract the wrong kind of people,who just want to use me for their own benefit and this has happened to me from friends and ex partners.
Last year i spent the whole year in my flat and even in the scorching summer time i never left my flat just kept myself locked away and eat hence weighing 28 stone.
I am scared to even attempt to make new friends as i feel that i must have a sign on my forehead saying "i have no self confidence, i am lonely so why dont u come and use me, every one has so u might as well do the same "
I am determined to change my life but am finding it very hard. Nothing is going to stop me Ssing this time and i am on day 3 and intend to stick to it this time no matter what !!
Ok, hon, you wanted tough love so I'm going to dish some out right now. This is only the third day of the start of the rest of your life. You cannot possibly expect to find it any easier right now. You have a huge challenge ahead of you and wallowing in the past will do absolutely diddly squat to help you to do it!
You need to stop looking back and feeling sorry for yourself - look at your achievements instead!! You have raised a son alone, you have kept a home, you have a life that is not perfect but it is a life nonetheless. You have survived so much. You have food on your table (well, SS packs
) , a roof over your head, a heart of gold and a whole new world of opportunities laying ahead of you just there for the taking. So. TAKE THEM!!!
Stop the self- pity and self-loathing.. it ISN'T doing you any good!!! You need to look for the positives.. at least you are receiving an income, at least you aren't in a wheelchair, or in hospital, or suffering from a terminal illness.. all you are is FAT! It is something YOU can deal with, YOU can sort out and YOU can do it!!! Your health problems will undoubtedly reduce in their severity and you will FEEL so much better!!
3 days is all it is so far.. 3 days.. this is going to take you at least a year... that's a tough thing to get your head 'round.. I know! (been there etc etc etc).. This is NOT an easy option.. the easy option is to just give up and pig out, get fatter and die! This is NO picnic.. YOU are the ONLY person who can do this for you and YOU are the one in charge. YOU decide what happens next. I am delighted that you sound as determined as ever at the end of your post.. stick to that sheer determination.. please...
As for being used,... you know what... you aren't alone on that. When we are down and lonely and desperate for company and friendships.. we make mistakes.. we trust implicitly... it's part of our make up. It's what insecure fat people do... we allow people to ride roughshod over us until we have lost the very last ounce of self esteem and self worth we clung onto. It's also what nice people do. (thin or fat). It happens ALL the time. It sucks. It hurts. It's nasty and IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
BUT... that will change... I promise you. As the weight comes off you will find your self-esteem trickling back.. just a bit at a time... like a dripping tap into a sink with a plug in it.. eventually it will refill... that's what will happen for you, I'm sure. With your self-esteem will come better discernment.. you will be more able to identify those who are out to use you and those who are genuine. Friends who 'abandon ship' when the going gets tough aren't friends at all.. you are, quite frankly, better without them.
You are a beautiful intelligent young woman with a fabulous future ahead of you IF you want it, and IF you are prepared to do what it takes to get there. I know people say, oh, its not as black and white as that, but you know what, it damn well is!!
Sticking to SSing is no fun.. it's hard physically (initially) , emotionally and in practical terms at times too.. BUT.. if you can get through the first 14 days you will have cracked it!!
So.. tough love you wanted, tough love I've given. Roch, you CAN do this. I know it! Sod everyone who has ever been mean to you or hurt you - you don't need pondscum like that in your life.. their lives have been enriched by knowing you. Yours has taken a bashing but you are resilient and are standing firm and re-taking some of that lost ground.
Do this and I guarantee you , life will change for the better. (I don't necessarily mean SSing - but losing the weight)
Tough love or not, I have faith in you
xxxx