The beginning of my story.
Hey everyone. First, sorry. This is long (duh, lol) I just wanted to say, i've been lurking for so long and I just feel like I've gotten to know some of you through your stories. I'm sorry, I know that sounds presumptious. But you all sing the same tune I've been singing for all of my life, and it's such a heart-warming inspiration to read about all of you. I've read this entire thread, seen some of your journeys and because of you and your experiences and your incredible support to each other, I'm starting my own journey tomorrow.
So, in a way, I just wanted to say thank you. Because of you wonderful people I have the strengh to take a deep breath and march on. Wow, that sounds dramatic. I'm sorry, I'm also a writer, I tend to get...carried away when I write.
Feel free not to read all of the below, I promise I won't always write such epics! The below is part of the journal I intend to keep throughout my experience with LT and I will be posting it online in some blog form or other. But I thought I'd share it with you, the soliders, first.
So ladies and gents, take care of yourselves and at least know that somewhere in the heart of surrey, some 20-something fat girl is loving you all, even though she doesn't know you personally.:gen126:
(for reference, Dan is my boyfriend, and sophie is my very best friend in all the world)
6.8.09. 02.17am.
Tomorrow I start the lipotrim diet, something that (from what I've gathered) is somewhat like a more effective, brutal version of slimfast, but also like the Atkins, in that is works on a ketosis basis. 3 Shakes a day, 1 soup, 4+litres of water. No carbs. The idea is that after a few days of no carbs, your body hits 'ketosis', a state whereby your body-having no more energy from glucose-hunts down the surplus fat and burns that instead for energy. Sounds good. The downside is that I've read the first week is a killer because your body goes into energy starvation mode but after the first five days or so, it hits ketosis-a kind of energy plateau and people claim to be more energetic, have no cravings and few-to-no hunger pangs, even though the calorie content is substantially lower than it normally would be. It's a medical diet-in the sense that it's only available through GPs and pharmacys after taking a medical questionaire for suitability. It's got me very excited. I've just spent the last few hours surfing the MiniMins forum on the subject and the average weightloss people have seems to be consistant. Most losing upto a stone in the first week alone! Some lose 7lb, 9lbs etc, but all lose over 6lbs, which is more than any diet I've ever heard of before. The thing thats got me really convinced so far is that people are really loving this diet! And the results are proof of the pudding! Usually when i go onto forums like this and research a new fangled diet miracle you get the odd person saying 'it's great' but usually the overwhelming majority of people report wasted money, time and patience on something that claims miracles but delivers more dissapointment. This diet seems to work with everybody and to a very high success rate! Theoretically, I could lose upto 5st by christmas (it's five months away)! But perhaps I should be looking for lower than that, I'd be over the moon with anything more than 3st!
It's expensive-about £36-8 a week, but frankly, dan and I spend that on normal shopping. This way, i won't be eating whatevers in the house so dan will last on it and i'll be doing my own thing.
One of the best parts is that it doesn't seem to work any better or worse in conjunction with exercise! I could cry with happiness just thinking about that! I don't want to go back to the gym until I'm slimmer. I know that sounds like madness, but I have 2 very good reasons. Well, they're good in my mind at least. 1.) My gym clothes no longer fit and i have neither the heart or money to buy bigger ones. 2.) I don't think I'd manage a circuit. Honestly, I've gotten to the stage where I'm so bad that I might honestly faint. It doesn't help that I'm still a happy smoker, hell, I'm sitting here writing this while a ciggerette idly burns in the ashtray, with me taking the odd puff here and there. I enjoy smoking and although I wholeheartedly plan on quitting this year, now is not that time.
Especially now that I'm basically planning to give up food for a month +.
Thats the kicker about LT, all you get is the shakes and soup. It's basically a vitamin fluid fast.
It will take a lot of dedication to stick to and by all the gods and goddesses I hope and pray I have the dedication it will take. But I know me; if I see it happening, if I see results, if I see the pounds slipping away I know I can stick it out. I did it last year, I should know. Last year I would go for days without food or calories of any kind, just so I could step on those scales and feel slightly better about myself. This time I'll be doing the same thing, but without the guilt over food and without damaging my body. I can do this. I need to do this.
I've managed to convince Sophie about it's benefits, I got her quite excited when I spoke to her earlier this evening and managed to convince her to go on it with me. Last year we were so great together; we'd go to the gym, watched what we ate together (it wasn't till much later where I told her that I had become anorexic, but I think she knew anyway), so with the support we can provide each other, I think we can do it! We can do it together. We've both been overweight all our lives and altough she's better at hiding it than me, she hurts over her weight just as much as I do.
I'm excited, to say the least. I'm going to the pharmacy tomorrow to buy a month supply in one go, mainly because I'm putting it on the doomed credit card. The credit card which I need to give back next week. Annoyingly my most local pharmacy that does it is in Reigate, but frankly, I'd drive to Wales to get it. Seriously, I would. Then I'm going to Matalan to buy some trousers for work. A size 24. Yes, I could buy a 22 but I'm not convinced they would fit. I'm already pretty sure my current size 20s won't fit anymore-the same ones that I wore 2 weeks ago. They have been getting gradually tighter and tighter and I've been majorly binging for the past couple weeks so yes, I'm convinced they won't fit, and frankly, my self-esteem won't take a hit like that so I'm not even going to bother trying them out. I'm just going to go out and buy a massive pair of asshuggers and hold out hope that if this diet works for me like it works for everyone else, then they will be too big for me after a week. That alone is motivation. I'll think of them like a pair of loaners, that I need to give back after a week. Maybe I should pick up a size 22 and another 20 (my old 20s are so old now that they're ankle-swingers anyway.)
Unfortunatly, my goal is not a small one (no pun intended).
I'm 21, 5"8 and somewhere in the region of between 260-70lbs. Which puts me at a couple notches below morbidly obese. Although I like to think that I at least don't look that bad yet. Some kind soul once said to me that although they knew I was a big girl, I at least carried it well. Unfortunatly it's now gotten to the stage where although I may still hold myself like I did all those years ago, there's no amount of good posture that can cover the fact that I am a whale.
But not for long!
For once in my life I want to walk into a shop (in my fantasy I also have money, by the way) and buy something pretty. Not simply because it fits, but because it's pretty AND it fits. I'm fed up of resigning myself to the 'plus sizes' aisle. I'm sick of feeling sick every time I have to go shopping for something new to wear. I sick of wearing stretch fabric and I'm sick of kidding myself I'm not getting 'that much bigger' even though I am clearly (to everyone else) putting on the pounds. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and thinking 'one day'. I wanna look in the mirror and actually shout 'TODAY!'
I wanna feel like a woman when I'm with my boyfriend, who I love very, very much and who would never criticise the way I look. I wanna feel sexual and pretty and feminine. Not...it's hard to put into words. Suffice to say, the way I feel about myself now. Thats how I don't want to feel anymore.
And if it takes a few months of vile tasting shakes and soups and running to the loo every five minutes to wee out the 4litres of water a day, so so ****ing be it! I'll take that challenge and beat it to death!
One week from tomorrow I will weigh myself and cry. Not because of how fat I've become, but because of how much I will have lost, and even if it's not as much as a stone, I will cry because I'll have reached the first milestone in the rest of my life and the hardest part will be over. And at the end of those 7 days, in that evening, I will sit down to a [hot] chocolate shake, smile to myself and say 'you did it. Well done you.' And silently, to no one in particular, I will hold up that mug, toast the world and say 'Here's to you'.
But for tonight, here's to...tomorrow.
