Imagine if i wasn't fat

[minusfour]

Kellie, it was a great idea to write that list, it sounds like you have good insight.
There is an excellent book about fear- "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway", (Susan Jeffers), based on the premises that;

-everyone is scared of something
and
- the consequences of avoiding what one is afraid of- be that guilt, regret, etc- is almost always worse than the consequences of facing the fear, and the fear becoming a reality. (Ie- you try, and do actually fail)

So, she thinks we are better of acknowledging that fear is ok, quite normal, but that we have to try to face whatever we are fearful off.

Kellie- I am an employer, and I've had some excellent staff, but no one has ever been perfect. (Nor would I want them to be) You can't be great at everything, everyday, life just doesn't work like that. Perhaps you can start challanging that perfectionistic element in yourself, I promise it will stand you in good stead in the future.

Darling, I'm a bit worried that part of your problem might be just good old fashioned exhaustion- would it be worth having a couple of days break and seeing how you feel?

Hope you are having a good one!

 

[kellierocks]

"It seems to me that runners know a lot about sacrifice. We sacrifice time to run early before and around work and family life. We sacrifice comfort for the pain required to improve. We sacrifice activity for the rest needed to race. We sacrifice indulgence for the happiness of being light on our feet. Usually we sacrifice these things easily and willingly, knowing that our passion to hit the ground running is the very thing that keeps us grounded".

i found this on someone else's blog and I wanted to keep it so that I can remember it on those days I can't imagine not being fat and cannot believe that running is my passion

 

[kellierocks]

Advice on men please (cos I'm clueless)

A very key moment happened last night. I'm not sure whether to write it or let it go.

There was someone, shall we call him Niall, and for 3 years we have been in touch, and when he broke up with his girlfriend, we got "romantic" again. He lived far far away, but came home this month, adn is going travellign soon. After Christmas he told me how he wanted to come visit for a few days and spend time with me. This was to happen last week, but he called it off as he had to meet someone Wed. That's ok, sure we'd just meet this week.

He texted last night after i tried to firm up plans for this romoantic rendez-vous we had been planning for months. He has just spent the past 4 nights with his old ex and they are getting back together. I was so so so hurt, unbelievably so. But what I felt too was utter stupidity. This is the second time he has let me down like this. So I cut him out. All texts adn calls deleted. His number is gone, and I removed him form facebook. I am trying to reach the point where I wish him no ill, and I am getting there. (that i can do this within 24 hours shows I was not that into him, and maybe its just my pride that is hurt most).

So I have learned my lesson. Sort of. See, I believe that God gives us tests, if we don;t learn the lesson, he'll send the lesson in a different way, until we get it. My lesson- do not sell myself short, do not accept half gestures. If he wants to be with me, he has to be with me.If i was thin, would I settle for anything less than the Gold standard of boyfriends? And do i accept less because I don't believe I deserve more because I'm fat. Am I single cos I'm fat and ugly?

But that leads on to the other male in my life who does not want a relationship. But who I keep around- meet ups, texts, phonecalls. He's a mate, but not in every way. He's a lover but he's not a boyfriend.
Do I cut my losses with him too?

Are we all seeing a pattern here? God, where are my morals? And yet, I feel that trust is more important, when I know where I stand, I make an informed decision. Do i need to let Boxer Boy go?

All advice gratefully accepted, but I cannot promise I will listen to any of it!!

 

[minusfour]

Kellie- the not selling yourself short is a great lesson, Bravo! I don't reckon it's all about weight though- I was very thin for some years, and went out with some absolute shockers during that time. If you like the boxer, and feel comfortable with the relationship as it is, enjoy. If this isn't the case, end it. (If the boxer isn't around, there might be someone special waiting to meet you-badly written, but I hope you see what I mean)

 

[kellierocks]

The Help

A friend lent me this book. I have just finished it, and I utterly loved it, I cannot recommend it highly enough.

I adore reading, and feel, when I get into a book, I have stepped into another world, I become the character and lead their life. This book is about courage and leading your life in a way you feel is right. It is not about the easy choices. Through this book, I realise that our decisions are not just about us individually, we choose for society at large. The way you treat someone is telling others this is the way (you think) people should be treated. The more power you have as a parent, as the popular girl, as the teacher or legislator, the more effect this will have. We are, all of us, role models.

Also for me, it was this realisation of what others have gone before me went through in order for me to have what I have. Once upon a time red haired people were thought to be witches (I wish). My gender, my nationality, my religion, at one point I would have been treated less than, because of that. Someone said no, someone worked hard, faced persucation and ridicule and rough times so that I, many years later, walk around free.

Each one of us, right as we are now, the good, the bad and the downright ugly, we are each of us a creation by God or the higher power you believe in (or an incidental accident) and thus a unique miracle while utterly equal.

So that leads to the question, am I passing on my freedom to others? Or am I keeping my head down, safer and easier to not rock the boat?

 

[Pink!]

It's all well and good realising that there is so much history, so many people we owe our freedom and or way of life to, but at the end of the day we're just individuals. Sure, when you add us all together we're a society, so when you add all of our actions that creates what our society is like; but really we can only do our best to be the best that we can be, if everyone does that then it all adds up to be ok. And I think that we're allowed to keep our heads down every now and then; if we rock the boat every time that it's possible we'll just end up capsizing.
I'm not entirely sure that any of that made sense...

With the bloke issue, if both you and he are aware of what exactly that relationship is then it's fine, it only ends in tears when one is decieved about what they mean to the other.

Hope that everything is going well. Best wishes.

 

[kellierocks]

table quiz

The dreaded table quiz is over, and it was a success, who would have thought? Nobody guffawed that I was running a marathon. 6 local tables, and 10 tables just to take part (rather than knowing me or the charity- apparently the cash prize was more generous than usual). Everything went smoothly and my round 8, I got my appetite back. I had a little dark chocolate earlier as i craved chocolate and knew dark chocolate would not be addicitive.

What mattered most is what 4 people did for me, my friend who could not attend sent a table in her stead, my mum had it announced everywhere and rang someone before the quiz to calm me down and to my 2 sisters who kept me going when I wanted to pretend I was not doing this quiz. It was the support I had from them that mattered the most.

The amount was just amazing, we had guessed a success to be 200. But 800- shocking!! I don't know what made people dig deep last night but I am very very grateful, it feels as if they believed in me.....

It does not matter how much I hide, how much I fear, time marches on whether I am prepared or not. The sooner I accept that which will happen, the less energy I use in fighting the inevitable.

Lesson learned.

 

[kellierocks]

half marathon? tick

I completed my half marathon in 2.31.15.


I had nerves beforehand, I was surprised at that- there was nobody there to judge me nor had I a set goal barr to finish before it closed which gave me 4 hours. At the start line I overheard a spectator say to his associates you cant tell- the thin ones the fat ones, we'll just see at the end. Thank you stranger.

Within 10 steps I was on form. Mile one and I could not believe i had done it under 10.30. I felt strong, I pushed above comfortable slightly and still felt good. I was annoyed at mile 3 that they had run out of water, but got a drink at mile 5 and 6. I managed to overtake and sort out who I should be latching onto speed wise.I was in love with Cookstown, running in the country,passed animals and fields and trees. Life was great- look at what was inside me- is it possible I could finish in under 2.5 hrs?

Mile 7 was a little slow, mile 8 was good, and then it was downhill. Not literally. Me. It got harder. My hips felt massive. My heel hurt. I was slower. My happy voice was gone and instead it was the voice that had to keep reminding me to keep going. One foot in front of the other. 2 people i'd passed overtook me. After mile 10 i ran to a toilet in a sandwich shop. I felt better after, a little stronger, but at the 11 mile mark, it was hitting in again, and by 12 i was in pain all over. Someone i overtook at mile 3 was alongside me and she had more in her at the end. But I kept going, up the hill, mile 13 then the finish line was in sight. I finished.Sweet.

I did it. I ran a half marathon. Once that was the ambition. I am scared of how much it hurt- i have to do twice that in 15 weeks

For now though, I want to lie here and be proud. This was a massive day and I will enjoy it. Before moving on, I want to jsut sit here and see this for what it is- a huge achievement. Its taken a lot of work, sweat and (no blood) pain.

Tomorrow we look at where I could improve, the training plan, the 26.2 miles.But tonight I'll stop and celebrate what at Christmas I would not have thought possible. I just ran a half marathon. And I have a medal to prove it.

 

[Quak]

Congratulations - I am in complete awe of your achievement. I can run about 2.5 km and that is my limit (although I am proud of getting that far). I am sure that you will do the full marathon when it arrives, keep going!!!
Bren xx

 

[minusfour]

That is amazing! Kellie, you are an incredible and strong person. I truely believe you can do anything you set your mind too! (How sore are you?)

 

[kellierocks]

How sore am I?

I'm really surprised at how not sore I am!!

Driving home yesterday I was in pain- my heel and my knee. I iced both as soon as I got in, and was seriously worried. BUT my knee was fine right after and my heel is the same as ever. Boxer Boy gave me a very nice massage, and today I swam, and went to a spa. Bit sore around the hips- they felt 6 foot wide as i run, and it really sunk in that every pound I can lose will help a lot, so I am re-examining everything!

15 weeks to Marathon Day....

 

[minusfour]

Do you think that each pound will count? Will you try to trim your calorie intake down for a few weeks? I'm really surprised that you are not sorer.

 

[kellierocks]

back to the breach

4 mile easy run

I went back to work today, after a week off, or rather half off. I went back in fighting, a sudden motivation hitting me on the track that I will get this done. I did out a planning list of all the events and now I have dates beside each one, which in itself is a good start. Perhaps I have learned from Friday night's fundraiser that what is coming will come, regardless of how much you hide, delay, put off, procrastinate, ignore. It is up to me how to spend the time beforehand.Under the duvet or at the breach fighting? I know which one I'd prefer.

The person I want to be gets things done. She is efficient and dependable. As I change my food habits, let me change my life habits, and become more of the person I want to be, not just a thinner version of my former self. I am what I choose to be- I choose to be hard working, solution orientated, athletic, kind, Christian, and good with money. And adventurous.

I need to choose this everyday.

We are what we repeatedly do.

 

[kellierocks]

A dream.....

I am 9 stone. I love my body.

I run or swim most days, and I love running along the beach near my house. I love feeling the sand between my toes afterwards, or late in the evenings going for a long walk in my bare feet, the cool water splashing up. even when it is colder, I wrap up but walk bare footed. It connects me to this beautiful world, all that is right and good, solid and flowing. I float away from this world to another place where I can work out all that is in my head.

I eat what I love. I love cooking and baking. My favourite is Sunday mornings when I have bacon or sausages or pancakes or french toast. My home as always is my sanctuary, and I have a small room looking out to the sea that is all mine. Yet the kitchen table is probably where I am most at home.

I am lucky in that my work is flexible. Every day I write. Somedays it is little, somedays i start early and finish late. It depends on my mood, my inspiration and my attention to detail that day. For a few hours every day I work in our bookshop/cafe. I love it there, it is the place I would choose to be even if I were not working.I love wednesday nights when I help with a book club for young girls, it is just brilliant to hear them discuss worlds far from where they live and yet connect completely with them. Books are a journey.

My husband is a good man. He makes me laugh. He works hard. He listens. And he talks about what he loves. He is kind to strangers.

My children are my life now. I read to them constantly, and sing, sometimes made up songs. I wonder where they're paths will lead them and there is nothing more exciting nor petrifying.

My sisters and I are in contact often, but Mum and I every day.

As i struggle to realise what it is I want from life, I just let my mind wander on daydream.

What if dreams could come true if you just believed enough?

 

[kellierocks]

Thursday Restday again

My favourite day of the week, a guilt free feet up day!

I am working an extra few hours today to get things done, but I am still channelling the feel good factor of my day off training.

Some runners say my sore toe is normal after a long run adn that the toe nail will fall of WTF! How will i handle that- 1. ugh! 2.pain 3. i need to run!!


Icing the heel here, I need to seek professional help on that one.

My weight loss has slowed but I am determined to knuckle down. It is when things get tough that you must not quit! (to quote someone much better at words than I)

I am a runner, imagine that.

 

[Freshstartnewme!]

Hi Kellie!

I wanted to ask your advice- your a runner- I need to get good at running! Help!

I am going to run 10k in October I did it last year and I completed in 1hr30 mins. Not great but I was just pleased I finished!

This year (although about 2 stone heavier- working on that!) I want to complete it in less than 1hr 15 mins.

I am not a good runner- I find it a very un-natural movement, even with a sports bra I find it uncomfortable (I am a 38G).

I have downloaded a pacer application and trying to run every thirty seconds then have thirty seconds rest. Is this the best way to train- just build up the distance and then make it a minute running, 30 seconds rest?

Will it get easier? How long did it take for you to get into the swing of things and find it getting easier?

I really do want to improve- I will keep going at it, but any tips or advice you could give would be great

Thank you - and p.s Your dedication to running really is amazing- congratulation on completing your race

Claire x

 

[kellierocks]

Butterflies

Biker boy texted on sunday, and we had a lovely conversation for hours, and on monday, I took the chance and ended with a x which was returned.

What is the right way to date in the 21st century, when texting has taken the place of phonecalls, when phonecalls had already taken the place of love notes, and the 24 hour availability means things are rarely planned well in advance but a more duck and cover approach? And where is the gender roles in this? I am a liberated open minded person, and I completely agree that women can, and should approach men. But I want a man who stands by me through the tough times- the arguments, the illness of a child, the death of a parent (or worse), unemployment, whatever life throws, I want someone who is strong. Is it wrong of me to test this out by expecting him to ask me out? to make the first move?

It is not about expecting him to do all the work, i do the smiling, the eye contact, and always kind to those who approach me (within reason - my local really can bring out the worst in men!).

So back to the personal issue of biker boy. Once upon a time he hurt me, and I allowed myself to be hurt. It was a long time ago. We did not know each other that well, but we had friends in common. And he rejected me. Its hard to remember now, but I remember the hurt. What stands out is not his actions but my playing into them. My insecurities meant I was, well an eejit. I stayed when I should have ran, i acted like a lapdog when I should have said **** off. My insecurites were because I was fat. I had poor body image, and poor confidence in myself in that way.

I know over the past 5 years, I have changed a lot. In our contact now, its seems like he has. I ask myself, can it be water under the bridge or do we need to dredge up the remains of what happened and give it a proper funeral. I do not want to be judged on the person I was then, but part of her is still in me.

And lets be honest here, I am jumping a little ahead. An x does not a relationship make.

But boy, do I want to kiss him! It is like being 13 again, that real passionate crush, when i still believed in true love, declarations of devotion and happy after after. I want to see if he would hold my hand walking out of the cinema, or would he walk along a beach with me? For now at least the ball is in his court. With the past experience of hurt and my current need for the man to show his strength, the ball is in his court.

I hope he wants to play, and to play fair

 

[minusfour]

Your posts are always thought provoking Kellie!

 

[Pink!]

People should read your diary just for a daily/weekly dose of wisdom.

I hope that everything goes well for you hun, in life and on the screen of your phone.

Best wishes.

 

[kellierocks]

why did i not run?

The past week has been all over the place- coming and going and working on residential with young people. LAst week, I was pointed to a cliff path for a 3/4 mile run and both mornings I ran it, the first slowly after a very nice (too nice) weekend, and my saturday I ran 8 miles at my aunt's house when I was screaming out for an excuse not to run. I decided not to watch what i ate last weekend, which was lovely. But then, mon, tues, wed and now thurs I have not run. Part of me is saying take a break, and lie back. THe other is saying grab your life back from default and run.

How easy would it be to slip back into weight gain? In the midst of this current haze, I remember that I have lost 25lbs. And that for 4 weeks maybe I'm at 12 5, not gaining. I know for me the marathon looming ahead is enough to make sure I do not fall off the rails completely. And I thank the Lord for that.

While I am not getting there as fast as I should or even could, I am moving in the right direction. The goal outweighs the previous benefits of giving up.

So in my head today are 2 things- how do I mind myself while getting me back to eating well and running and how do I put something in after the marathon.

Imagine if I was not fat and like those thin people- what gets them to not binge eat? Or if they do, to stop? MY best friend sometimes binge eats, but has kept a size 10 waist. She gets concerned with 7 lbs on- then its battle stations to bring it down. Her image is very important to her, and her sister (and she likewise) point out when the other is gaining weight.

It takes 28 lbs I'd say for me to get serious. And I could say right now that I want to weigh myself every week and if I gain 7 lbs I will increase exercise and decrease food. BUT i do not care enough. That is why I am obese! So how do I put in mini and major goals to keep me caring about my body? What can have greater benefits than eating whatever I want and
doing as little as I want?

1. Running a beautiful route- there is something soul satisfying about the cliff path over the Atlantic or the Forest PArk sweeping down to the sea

2. The joy of cooking and eating a home cooked meal: I cannot enjoy a lovely evening meal if I've been eating sweets all evening. Its so good to enjoy food you know you deserve and need- like my smoothie after a long run!

3. Employ tough love- I need to issue instructions to ppl i love to be honest about my weight in a way I hear

4. I would love to do pilates or yoga in a serious way - i will look into it

5. What will be my major goal for 2011- should I work on running or cycling? Perhaps it will be the long cycle in June to raise money to fight cancer OR concentrating on speed for half marathons?

Goals that lock me in, with no excuse to get out work for me. From now on, I will do 2 things- identify goals that I want to acheive and work in ways that make me accountable AND become more true to my own word.

At the end of the day, I am only accountable to myself.
When I do not run, I am only at about 70% of my best for the rest of the day, dropping each day that i don;t get up and go.