Imagine if i wasn't fat

[kellierocks]

I'm happy tonight, after working til 8.30.
I ate so much today, but it calmed down in teh evening and I did not eat to teh point of feeling ill, which is something. When very stressed, I am still turning to food.

I have everything ready to run tomorrow, so this is my jumpstart, me on the track by 7am. I'm very aware if I was not doing a marathon, I'd be gone- lazy and greedy. So what do I do when I have done the marathon?

 

[Quak]

Book to do the next one of course

Kel - your focus is so great at times that I cannot see how you can fail to get where you want to be - you just need to keep it going instead of doing it in waves, no instant solutions, just keep going
Bren xx

 

[kellierocks]

Life is unfair, even when you are thin

This morning, I awoke before 5 am, to take my little sister to the airport- she's gone back to uni. She will be back next weekend for a week because her football team are in the national final and she had arranged a week off to make sure she was there for all the training and hype.

But God saw her plans and laughed.
My sister was a fanatastic player growing up but a knee injury when she was 18 knocked her out for a year. She came back but the team wasn't as together as it once was, and in time her dedication and fitness dropped. This summer, she gave it her best. She worked and played football, ate well and slept. No drinking for her, no parties, no all nighters. 2 weeks ago, at training jumping for a ball she didn't land with, her other knee went. Just as she was made it back to the starting team, set to play the semis. Darn, but she kept with it, putting on ice, resting, exercicing it safely. They won the semi, the girl on on her behalf getting player of the game. She took it in good spirits and got on with it, focusing on the final. But this week, her MRI scan showed it was bad and needs key hole surgery. No more football, and a dream in tatters.

She cried this morning in the car, in the dark of the night. This was not the way it was supposed to happen. She sacrificed and gave it her whole focus. I asked her if she was angry. She said no, who can she be angry at. God? But being angry at God means being angry at nobody or everybody, depending on your beliefs, and neither can gain you anything.

I'd give her my knee if I could. I had a marathon dream for only 7 months. An All Ireland final has been hers for 19 years, since she was 4 years old. She worked hard for it. And all she has now is memories and a bad knee.

Life is a *****

 

[kellierocks]

under 12

I have finally made it to the number 11- 11.12.8 to be exact so i can happily round that up to 11 13. I'm not sure how long its been since I was this weight, but I do think I was it 2 years ago although my clothes from then are too loose. It must be muscle!

I was really down yesterday- a bad run, and a sore leg prevented me doing a class. Anyway I'm over it now, onwards and upwards. Sometimes I think we need the down days to give us the strength to put all in when we need it.

Sign up for another marathon? maybe a half marathon with a time attached?! Imagine only running a max of 10 miles- wow how easy!

 

[kellierocks]

stats

I was just looking at my updated stats (vanity or pride?!) and it is clear to see I'm halfway to goal. In a way- wow! I've lost 31 lbs which sounds good. But that means I also have to lose 31 lbs and folks we all know, it gets harder!!
So this is my half way mark then- should i celebrate or knuckle down, or both? I suppose its time I saw life as more than one or the other, sacrifice or celebration. It has taken me 6 months to get this far, and I've allowed another 7 months to get the next half off- auch.

Its been a rollercoaster, a lot of ups and downs, in my emotions and in my weight. I cannot believe getting from 13 st to 12 st took so long, but at this stage I am only glad I managed it. May I never see 12 st again.

Lessons:
Eating does not answer my problems, but can taste really really good
When I'm angry I reach for the food
When I'm sad I reach for the food
When I'm bored I reach for the food

A good run can clear my mind, so can a bike ride or a swim

Building in a treat every day (thank you flumps and pink wafers) is a massage for my will power. Eating them all in one night just makes me fee guilty and greedy

20 miles burns a hell of a lot of calories!

So does 20 mins hard going.

A support circle is vital. and by helping others I help me

So thank you all for getting me this far

 

[minusfour]

Go you, Kellie, 31 pounds is heaps! I often think, when I read your posts, that you are a tad to hard on yourself-go gently, sweet girl, you are worth it!

 

[kellierocks]

do the downhills make for better ups?

So today, my run was cancelled, i turned up, my buddy didn't - turns out she arrived 15 mins late- probably just after I gave up and went home. I took it as a sign from God.

The mood I'm in is not depressed, i'm just, could it be, sad. But not a crying sad, adn at nothing. My work is the best it's ever been. My weight is falling, I'm eating well and few binges at all this week. But inside there is this strange feeling.

Last night boxer boy advised me that the bad workouts usually make you better, and you come back stronger. He doesn't know why, its just what he found. That's what I admire in him. He does what he sees working, not looking for the why.

So today, taking in Eckhart Tolle and Boxing Boy (treating both these men as equals in the game of life), I am allowing myself just to be where it wants to be. SO if it wants to be a little down, I'm letting it. Not lazy- I went to Pilates again this week, and again the hour flew in. I concentrated on my breathing and stayed with my body as much as I could (cheeky little mind likes to wander in odd places). Then I walked around tesco, I was only in for milk but decided to sort of loll about, among the magazines and books mostly, but not entirely.
I came home, my planned treat being tea (thus the milk) but I didn't want that. So I listened to my body, and made myself camomile tea.

And now I am cosying under my duvet, puttting my thoughts out to the universe, followed by my book, and then sleep.

There's a Rudyard Kipling poem- If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat these 2 imposters just the same
​

Maybe emotions ar enot imposters, but I do think we should allow them all. Life is not about happy times. Sometimes its not teh happy times that you treasure the most. Like my niece starting playschool- in a way completely heartbreaking (i'll save it for another therapy session), or when I'm on mile 25 of 26.1- agony. Sadness, anger, frustration, delight, joy. All of these are part of who I am.

So tonight my soul is sad, and I shall allow it to be. I will sit comfortably with it, and remind it of teh good things it has to look forward to when the sadness leaves.

I guess even energizer batteries run out.​

 

[kellierocks]

autumn is blowing in

I have always been an early morning riser, but a few extra early mornings has changed my routine and I am now awake before 6 as i fell asleep before 10! shocking, so here I am, on my day "off" having read some and drinking my camomile tea, snoozed a little and you know, mucked about.

Its the first morning I had to wrap up to get out of bed, it is definately getting colder. (I also have a window in my house almost permanently open but I like clean fresh air!). The wind is howling and every so often there's an absolute downpour. The season is changing. The heat is leaving and the wind is blowing through. The rain is changing from summer showers to winter downpours. I love this feeling. There's something about marking the end of one season and enjoying the beginning of another. It's the idea that things change. Not for worse or better, just change.

Autumn for me was the brilliant as I hated having to show flesh; and the heat of summer. I stopped minding so much when I got older, actually started enjoying lying in the sun. But Autumn maybe is more me. Firstly the colours suit me better! Browns and greens and oranges and golds. Beautiful. And even the idea of wrapping my long cardigan over my pjs - the cosiness and comfort. The area I have to watch though is the comforting foods. I have this idea of sitting in front of the TV with the fire on,eating big plates of food, and of course tea and bikkies!

NOPE. Not happening. Instead I will be out running/ pilates/ spinning first. Then I can come home, put on a fire, adn eat nutritional wholesome food and then stop.

I intend to spend more time outdoors. I realise this was something i neglected in roprevious "Impve my life" episodes. Seriously, since I started running outside,my skin has improved, my mind has improved. There's nothing better than fresh air to get you feeling alive and connected.

And with that breeze blowing, it will definately blow away all cobwebs.

 

[kellierocks]

rain rain go away

I'm waiting for the rain to stop. Sitting in bed waiting. Maybe it won't stop. Ok if its still raining in 15 mins, I'll go anyway. I'm doing 4/5 miles this morning of hills- sprinting up, jogging down. I really want to, but its so hard to go out in the rain. I don't mind it raining while I run, sometimes its refreshing, but not before I'm even out of my bed.

I took a half day yesterday from work. I was exhausted so i left at 1.30. Went to my favourite place for lunch, then went to the cinema and did my grocery shopping. It was a lovely way to spend the day, i think i may do it more often. AND i did not overeat. Maybe slightly more than I could have eaten, but now too much, if you know what I mean. And it was still a brilliant day.

In 3 lbs I will be overweight- I've looked forward to this for so long, that I am hurrying to get this final 3 off. Maybe I should give myself 2 weeks, as I think by Tuesday, my original goal, is too much. Oh to no longer be obese, wow.

Its still raining.

 

[Neonshock]

Just read your diary from start to finish, I imagined you as a lot heavier as you seem to focus on the fact, even though you seem very healthy and active. Have you ever thought of counciling? You wont do yourself any favours if you don't learn to love yourself.

Many congrats on the loss so far though.

 

[Hula Moo]

Hi Kellie, I've really enjoyed reading your diary. It is inspirational and thought provoking.
Love it!


Hula

 

[joh2605]

Have loved this diary, keep going and I know you'll get there. Your an inspiration

 

[kellierocks]

sunday evenings....

Logging on to 3 beautiful comments is totally inspirational, thank you to everyone who leaves a comment - I think we all underestimate how much kind words mean to others.

Well its Sunday evening. Sunday evenings can be viewed in 2 ways. The next time we wake up, its time to get back to work/ school/ uni and so its either hours of dread or simply lying back and enjoying it- maybe its a lesson in life- do I lie back and enjoy the calm before the storm or does the immenent wind and rain bashing worry me before it starts????

Well I am eating a naan panini- delish but I know today and yesterday I ate a heap! It is my parents 35th wedding anniversary (and they still fight over the simple things- bless) so we had steak for dinner last night and roast chicken today both with dessert and lashings of tea and bickies. SO I see my 11 10 weight disappearing for tuesday BUT given that I saw 11 10 (.6) on Sat I feel comforted to know its almost there. Just beyond the horizon.

Work is about to get busy, and I will knuckle down, but as I described to a friend (you know teh kind you can say anything to, even if you havent spoken in 3 months) I love my job right now and it is not my life. Its a great balance. My end of contract is facing me again- december.

So perhaps I am the type to lie back and enjoy Sundays, because even though things are about to go stellar, I am happy and relaxed here in my little home. (I still miss my apartment..its been 5 months but teh extra money is well needed)

 

[kellierocks]

I have worries about piling on my weight again after the marathon.

Some have advised to sign up for another one, but I've decided not to, not just yet. The pounding on the pavement is hard on the old body and so I have decided to strike a balance in my running- plus, speed runs are great calorie burners and shorter runs will encorporate more of that.

So below on my goals, I have signed up for a few runs. The first half marathon I can find, and 3 runs that mean something to me. This is about keeping on track, remembering that I love running, and I love what running does to my mind and body.

After the marathon, I'll probably take a few weeks off running, and a lower training schedule. Guys, can you please remind me that I need to be back running by December? and I should be active at least 3 times a week after the marathon, keep me to it, please. I can be my own worst enemy.

I suppose what I've realised is that I love that my weight comes second, my running comes first. And after years of seeing me as the fat girl I like to be seen as the girl who's running the marathon. Or even the fat girl running the marathon. I want to keep that.

 

[kellierocks]

YouTube - My 120 pound journey.#!

this could be me.

This morning I didn't go to gym. I actually think I overslept. Anyway I decided to save my energy for tonight's run. Despite JK unable to come, I ran it gooooood! I pushed myself for the first time (maybe ever) and did about 4.4 in 47 mins, and almost 5 overall. That is an ok time, so I came in happy, knowing I'd pushed it.

I read over my diary this morning. It seems to be full of plans and goals, few of which were met on time. I wonder will I ever learn to live in the moment. I need to go shopping, there are few good clothes in my wardrobe- i think it will be primark only though. Still nice to think that my jeans do not fit, nor blouses. And for the right reasons.

 

[kellierocks]

It's very strange and maybe unsettling to see people from your past living life together and you are not a part of it. Facebook, sometimes its better not to know.

 

[minusfour]

It can be incredibly unsettling, you are right, I hope you are ok. I recently contacted an old school friend of mine, who is a lawyer. During our catch up on ten years conversation, I asked if she was on Facebook- (I was looking for photos)- and she said she was, but only to keep an eye on the plantiffs!
We are not meant to know, in an instant, what people from our pasts are up too.

 

[Pink!]

Hey luv, have flicked through what I've missed, I really do enjoy reading your diary, you have a gift with words.
Glad to see that you're doing so well with the running, that marathon will be a breeze!
Keep it up!

 

[kellierocks]

I did that run again- though I was much slower, turns out it was about 30 seconds slower! I won't let that get to me! It would be the difference between running at 10 am rather than 5 pm, or having a little less water- delighted. Steady does it... 6 weeks and the marathon will be over. I feel a little sad by that thought.

 

[HiImRachel]

Hi Kellie.

have just read all the way thru your diary. I love your way with words and you are a huge inspiration to me.

I would love to be able to run, I keep trying, 1 minute walking, 1 minute running, its getting easier but i cant keep going for long. Your doing great! I'm very jealous!

Keep going!! xx