Hello girls and thank you for your lovely messages. Sorry I've not been on for a while. To be honest, I've been hiding myself away a bit - just don't feel like I can face people too much. I'm off FB too as part of that. So I guess I should give you a quick update on what's what. I'm still off work, and signed off till the end of this month. I'm hoping to look at going back after that. I was referred to a pyschiatrist, who in turn referred me to a Cognitive Behaviourial Therapist, of which I've had 3 sessions so far. He has also prescribed me some antidepressants which finally feel that they are helping a bit. I am feeling better than I was, the panic attacks have really diminished. I seem to be sleeping a lot, I just feel so exhausted all the time. But I am really making the effort with the CBT stuff, I know this is my chance to really sort my head out once and for all. I quite like the therapy as it's not just about talking to someone once a week, but going home and doing something more practical about the various issues. It does take a lot of inward looking, but also it's about changing the way I think and respond emotionally as well as physically to different situations. I'm learning a lot about myself all the time. Something that I have kind of admitted to myself is that I am more of a social animal than I like to think. I've always considered myself to be very independent, but I've realised that I am much happier when in people's company. To this end, I have been trying to get myself out more. Not at night (haven't had a night out since mid Jan) but just little things like going for a coffee with a friend, or last week I took my Mum out for lunch (SW friendly!) at Sainsburys. Nothing flash, but keeping myself ticking over. I'm also starting to look at some new hobbies I could do - new ways to occupy myself. So I'm trying to be more positive about things. The fact is, I still have 6 evenings a week when I'm by myself, but I'm trying to look at how I can use that time in a way that is more positive for my overall health. I've also addressed my financial situation. I've remortgaged which has enabled me to pay off all other debts, and have more money left at each month. Well, I will have once I get back to work. Right now, I'm about £400 down a month as I'm not on call at the moment. I'm trying to look at how I can make my life easier, specifically once I am back at work. I'm trying to get a few big jobs done round the house. A friend helped me clear up the back garden last week. Tomorrow morning another friend and I will be doing a tip run to get rid of a load of all the old crap in the garage/garden. I have money left over from the remortgage towards getting the bathroom done (it's a horrible mess right now). I need to ebay things and could do with going through cupboards/drawers indoors. I also need to tackle the front garden, but my Mum bless her, bought me the sheets I can put down to stop weeds coming through, so it's now down to me dig up all the weeds and get that done. Once I'm earning my callout again I'll then be able to get the slatey bits to go on top of that. The point is, all this stuff was building up and building up, and adding to the pressure I felt around me all the time. Steven and I are getting on better, it's far more relaxed between us. I'm trying to accept his faffiness and not let it wind me up all the time, though it still does. I'm still not overly active with him, mostly because I am so exhausted, but I am hoping that will come. I also decided that this year, I need to concentrate on my environment - i.e. the house and garden, rather than running about going camping every time we get a break. We will have a camping break with my sister over the jubilee weekend, two other camp breaks at Brands, and then we'll go to visit my friend in France for a week. That will be it for Beanie - and I'm accepting that actually that's still not bad at all, and it doesn't make me a bad Mum. Tomorrow night we're going to make coleslaw and rocky road cakes (his request). It's all about the little things - and that is what we used to do. We were always making stuff together and we never seem to anymore. Some things just won't change. His Dad is still the bain of my life (I'll fill you in his latest act of ****wittedness later), work will continue to be hard, stressful and it will get worse. I will still be a single parent. But the the way I deal with all these things needs to change. And I need to learn to accept my strengths and limitations in other parts of my life and not beat myself up about it.
Wow, what a tome. I should print this out and read it to my mental lady (the CBT therapist). So I've come quite a way, but there's still a long way to go.
Right Beanie's Dad - he's getting married this year, and despite me moving my holiday to France around (before I'd booked the flights) to accomodate his expected wedding date, he went ahead and booked it for while we were away (yes he knew the dates). I was so upset for Steven. The thought that everyone else would be part of his Dad's big day, the lead up to it, as well as all the photos afterwards, and he wouldn't was just dreadful. I had already booked the flights by this point, and it turned out I could move them, but it would cost £200 to do so. When I told the twat all he did was whine about having no money, so I was resigned to the fact I'd have to pay it myself. £200 for my boy not being completely screwed up in the head is a small price, it was a no brainer. Fortunately the twat has come through and will pay me back over the next 6 weeks. Incredible isn't it. So you see, he will never change, he can never be counted on for Steven. So I need to learn to deal with it better.
Weight wise - well at the end of November last year I got down to a low of 13 stone 3lbs. I put on over a stone and a half, and lose some weight but then started putting it back on. I tried not to let it be a big deal as I recognised that I had other crap to deal with. Anyway, the previous weigh in I showed at 14 stone 10lbs, but last Monday I lost 3lbs and so currently weigh 14 stone 7lbs. I finally feel that I am back on it now. I've been extremely good this week, and my hips feel a little slimmer, so fingers crossed for tomorrow night. But I feel like I can pay some attention to the diet again, and seem to be thinking with my Slimming World head again. I am aiming to get to 14 stone by the end of March. I'm going to take it half stone at a time. And I have also decided that I think 12 stone is where I want to aim for. I will re-evaluate when I get there - but for now, I'm aiming for that 14 stone. Baby steps and all that.
I hurt my shoulder at half term (playing cricket on Bournemouth beach) - I fell straight onto it. It still hurts now, so I haven't really been exercising. Though one of my tasks each day is to exercise. So once I get my legs waxed on Thursday I will get myself back to the swimming pool and work on it. No running for over a month, but once the shoulder feels a little better I will get back on with that too. And cycling as well. Needless to say I won't be doing the half marathon next Sunday. I will aim for another one later in the year perhaps. We shall see, I don't want to add any more pressure than necessary.
So that's where I am at the moment. I treated myself to an Asus Transformer Prime (a dogs bollocks Android version of the iPad) so it's much easier to type on there. I am going to try and write my food up each day and keep posting on here. Tonight is the first time (in I notice 4 weeks) that I've felt able to. But I will try to be better at it going forwards. I think it will help in all sorts of ways, one of which being losing weight, but another recognising that I do need to be communicating with people more. I need to catch up with what all of you have been up to as well. Maybe you could help me out with a little synopsis of what's what, as it will take me forever to catch up with you all.
So again, thank you girls for your lovely support. It has been a tough time, but I'm so lucky that I've been able to get the respite I clearly needed, I just need to be sensible and do all the right things so I can move forwards and be a far healthier person, for me and my boy. I hope you are all well, let me know what you've been up to, how your weight loss is going.
Love and hugs to you all xxxxx
