Right - I'm back, the licking of the wounds is all complete - I've been lurking but not posting. As SB said, I had started becoming obsessed with it all, and constantly thinking of it.
I've been having a panic with my hips, as they were my main motivator of doing this. Lose the weight, and they will improve I was told - but its been the exact opposite - they have been agony since Jan. And now I've basically been told that unless they allow me to have the op (found out tomorrow btw) I will be in chronic pain all my life. I'm 19, and wanted to exercise, and to run, ect and to be active.
It lead me to questions other reasons of why I am doing this. I felt like my main motivator had been taken away, and I just started to wobble. No lapses, but questioning why I was doing it - what was the point?
My motivation? It's me. Pure and simple, it's me.
It took me a while, but I got there. I am so, so happy with myself. I was going to go into developers for a month - I was sure of it - but I realised that I think I might be there at the end of foundation. But even better, I accept that if I am, I am - and if I'm not, I'm not. I know I'm nearly there - I can feel it, I can SEE it now.
I went shopping - not to buy, just to see where I was - and I was extremely pleasently suprised. A size 12 dress looked gorgeous on me (sorry if that sounds big-headed but its the first time I've ever had that!) and I could even get away with the 10 - especially as I have a stone to go! I can do size 12 jeans up - which was my size I had in mind. Most were FAR FAR too tight - but still the button went in the button hole! I'm a size 10 for most tops now, a 12 for the more fitted - which is what I had in mind at the start. I tried a lot of high street shops - like RiverIsland, Next, New Look, DP and I'm pretty much there in all those places. It amazes me - I never thought I could see anything in there and pick it up - and moe often than not it actually looking pretty nice on me.
I can wait for my end of foundation shop!
Group has been extremely helpful as well in all this the last few weeks - and I have confronted and got past even more issues. Doing the timeline shocked me at how much I had been through that affected me - and my eating.
I feel normal now - I look around and see people that are dressed nicely my size or sometimes a little bigger. Before this week I still felt too big to make an effort. But its in my head and I realise that.
I'm not scared to eat - I've been looking on a pay-for weight management/loss site that my dad has been using - and to maintain the weight I want to finish at I would be on around 1780 cals a day. I've put in "test days" both good and "naughty" and its amazing how much I can actually have.
I know I won't have to deprive myself - but I also know I won't be gorging. I can maintain a balance as long as I keep myself in check.
I have also decided that as I will weigh myself when maintaing - but only once every week or two, I will decide that then. I will moniter it and act before I put 7lb on. I will give myself that cushion, but I won't let myself go past that as I don't want to let it all get out of control. But I also know now that this is do-able, and not as scary as I once imagined.
I can so feel I am nearly there, and its an amazing feeling. I nearly burst into tears in the shop earlier. That wasn't me I've been seeing during foundation - I saw the first look at the me I have wanted to be since I was 11.
I feel pretty good. No fear of failure, no fear of sabotage. No feelings of self-hate.
I'm getting there - it feels like leaps and bounds.
I'm posting this on the main site too as a new thread because its been so important for me, and I want to share.
Keep going guys, you're all doing amazingly well. And, sorry, but you've got me back for good now - no more licking of the wounds from this one!
Missed you all
![Big Grin :D :D](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7)