KDs Earlier Maintenance Diary

[Eclipse]

Hi Karion

I know how hard it is.

Unfortunately, we sometimes make it harder for ourselves.

I first set myself a goal weight in 2002, got there, maintained then gained a couple of pounds and set myself another goal weight, got there, maintained then gained....... and so on......

Now, 4 years later, I am 2 stones below my original goal weight. WHY. I dunno, I guess we are never satisfied and we always keep moving the goalposts.

Whatever you have eaten, it won't make a horrendous difference, and nothing is easy this time of year, regardless of Christmas looming. Its the dark days, grotty weather and the "no end in sight" feeling, I really hate this time of year - except for Christmas.

I find I put too much pressure on myself, and then rebel against me. No-one is perfect, but we all want to be. BUT what a boring life it would be if we were all Mary Poppins! (I can't sing either by the way!)

You have done remarkably well, your pictures tell the story, and if you succomb sometimes, its just what a "normal" person would do this time of year. I don't think its anything to do with having lost weight, or regaining, or anything like that, I think its just the time of year. Unfortunately, because we have been big most of our lives we suddenly think that we have ruined it all and we will be back to the weight we were before. Naturally thin people don't think like that, they just go with the flow, and then rein it in afterwards. We have to start thinking like the "naturally thin" ( God I hate em, not fair is it? lol) and go with the flow and sort it all later when we are in a better frame of mind (but not too much later!)

You have been through so much and achieved so much, don't be so hard on yourself for being "normal" and craving.

Merry Christmas and don't stay away, I don't post much on the threads, but yours I have followed avidly and enjoy each and every post.

((( Hugs)))) to you hun and well done!

 

[canireallydothis!!]

Ack…you know….I give up. I’ve given it a go, but just can’t get my head around it all. Shouldn’t this be easier now? Why does it seem so hard for me in my 2nd year of maintenance? I never found it this hard last year! Why am I so useless??

I keep working on the head stuff. Why am I eating? What am I going to do if I get bored or restless instead of eat? I work it all out…have all the plans in place, but when it comes down to it, I eat because I want to.

I don’t want to go for a walk at the moment, or have another bath. I want to eat all the wrong stuff.

So, I ask myself, do I want to eat the wrong things more than I want to stay slim? At the moment, yes. I just want to eat whatever the consequences. I know that the more rubbish I eat, the more I want. Is that enough to stop me? Nope.

I remember telling DH that I wanted to start this diet even if I did put it on again, just to experience a moment of slimness. I’ve done it now. I’ve had my time….I haven’t got the strength any more and a fag is only moments away….it’s that or yet another slice of toast.

So I’m thinking, should I even be posting this. I feel so negative at the moment (and have done this last couple of weeks). People don’t want to hear this. They want to think everything is hunky dory when they get to goal. They certainly don’t want goalies that still haven’t got their head around it after all this time. I know it’s just me being useless, and am sure that most will sail through it with hardly a thought.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I know that only I can do this. I’m responsible for my own actions, and I’m choosing the wrong way as it’s easier at the moment. I’m the only one to blame, so feeling sorry for myself is illogical.

I may feel different another day, but for a moment I need to stay away and not post before I infect everyone else with my negativity I think I can get away with posting this one on my own diary, as it’s just between us I’m just scared of posting negatively on other threads at the moment.

I’ll be back when I’ve gotten over this. In the meantime behave

Dya know what hun, at least you are normal, and you can get away with posting, if you cant do it here then there is something wrong. You are not, and I mean not, going to put 8 stone on over night, ok, so youve had a rough few days, its not the end of the world, time to get your head in order and practise a little damge limitation.

I can't believe I am giving advice to the esteemed KD, but I guess everyone needs someone sometimes.

You rock girl, and so what if you have OD'd on the toast, tomorrow is monday, its a new week and you will be fine, me thinks the chatterbox is winning and you have forgotton how strong it can be, especially at this time of year.

Batter it down and keep going.

Love to you KD x

 

[Cheb]

Hey Karion

You are human just like the rest of us and we definitely don't expect you to be perfect.

It's often said that keeping the weight off is the hardest part of dieting and I reckon that's about right. After all we all know the simple maths behind weight gain but that doesn't stop us from cramming food into our mouths even when we don't need to. If we knew why we did it then we would never have been overweight in the first place.

Give yourself a break, and stop being so hard on yourself. You are a great example to the rest of us and we want to know the ups and downs.....makes us feel normal too, it's reassuring to know that everyone else still struggles too!

Hugs

 

[MadamDotty]

Hi Karion

Just agreeing with what's been said to you & to add that I think it's important as a "Goalie" to post the good & the bad days. If we maintainers just posted when everything was hunky-dory, anyone doing the diet and reading our posts would think it's so easy & it's not. You know that, I know that as does anyone at goal or trying to maintain, it's bl**dy hard, you still have to think about food everyday and battle against your chatterbox. I do, sometimes I win, sometimes my chatterbox wins, but the difference for me now is that only sometimes my chatterbox wins, and when it does I still find the strength to get myself back under some sort of control, whereas before I'd give in totally, and at this time of the year continue to pig-out until diet time in the New Year. Don't be so hard on yourself, no-one is expecting you to be perfect or only post when you're feeling great. This boards supports everyone, even the great supporters of others, which you are.

Keep posting, let us know how you're getting on & be kind to yourself.

 

[Maintainer]

Looking forward to your return Karion.

I disagree when you say you feel you oughtn't post negatively about maintenance so as not to put dieters off. Maintenance in many ways is so much harder than dieting. In our heart of hearts we KNOW that that [chocolate or whatever] won't cause us to regain all our weight. That's an impossibility. But, if you're anything like me, you do feel that if you give in too often to your chatterbox that you could be on a rocky slope back to Fatdom. That I do understand.

When I first reached target end 2003, I found it soooo hard to stabilise. Even though I'd lost weight by healthy eating, and not doing a VLCD and ought to have known "what to eat next", all the temptations were all too much for me. So with the compliments ringing in my ears about how fabulous I ate, I set about "making up for lost [eating] time" and spent the first six months of 2004 yoyo-ing up and down 7lbs.

Then I read about the 80 / 20 plan: having five days a week of strict healthy eating (for me weekdays), then two days of more or less whatever you like (I tend to be strictish Saturdays, then TOTAL free rein Sundays).

Since I've been doing this, my weight has barely moved a gramme from one week to the next and I haven't had one binge. Why would I need to binge when I know I can eat whatever I like next Sunday?

I wish you luck Karion. To have dieters think that this maintenance lark is easy would surely be misleading them? The hard work STARTS at maintenance, in my opinion!

Come back and tell us more!

 

[KD]

Thankyou so much. I've read the replies through and you're all so right. Still eating though....just can't seem to stop at the moment I'll keep going back and rereading.

I'm wondering what set it off. I've had a few very busy weeks, without time to plan meals, or sit and eat them consciously.

I started picking at bits whenever I passed through the kitchen. It was hardly anything to start with, and before I knew it, I was cramming down mince pies like they were going out of fashion. One thing led to another.....you know how it goes.

If it was just a day or two okay...but each day I would start afresh and then completely lose the plot within a couple of hours. I just couldn't (can't!) seem to find the motivation again.

Even now, I'm sat here downing half a bottle of wine...straight from the bottle...and I don't even drink!!

Sunday was crying day. I told the family I was popping into a friends, then spent most of the time sat on the bench at the top of the cliff, sobbing me little heart out. Just couldn't control that either. Hey...that's not me. I have exceptional control. I don't fight, shout, argue (not offline anyway). I don't cry. I rarely even laugh. I get through life by controlling my every emotion. Never letting anyone see my weaknesses.

I can't. If I do, I might not stop. I lay myself open then I'll get hurt again.

So I returned from the beach, tidied myself up and with a big smile told the family I had a lovely chat with friends.

Today has been too busy to cry. Not too busy to eat though Our carol concert was this evening. I was so proud of the children. I can't believe they really pulled this off, singing some really difficult stuff with confidence and smiles on their faces.

It was very moving, especially watching J, who has so many problems and can't join in with others for anything really, and there he was amidst them, knowing every word, big smile on his face, singing away through the lot.

Not doubt I'll get a grip of myself shortly. I know I have to. Deep down, I know I can't fail. I have to get back on track sooner or later.

Sometimes I wish there was just someone to talk to. I have friends...but I've never opened up to them about this type of thing. Not about anything deep and meaningful really. I wouldn't know how now. If I did try, I would break down, and I can't do that. I can't 'expose' myself.... not in my offline world.

So now I feel empty and drained, not ecstatic as I usually feel when a concert is over. I'm alone here and feeling numb. As if I'm standing at a crossroads and have got tired of trying to work out which road to take. I'm just barely finding the energy or enthusiasm to look both ways.

No idea why I'm putting this all down, when it would be much more sensible to just say "you're right you know....I'm back on track now"

Never was one for writing one sentence, when I'm thinking of books Thank goodness nobody left me to write the Bible. Can you imagine.

Preface for The Old Testament
The Old Testament
What happened after the Old Testament
What should have happened after the Old Testament
Why it didn't happen.
How I felt about it not happening
Preface for the New Testament
The New Testament

And don't miss my next book "everything that happened after the New Testament"

 

[Isobel1965]

((HUGS)) to you, KD!!!

Am full of cold and fuzzy headed so can't say precisely and clearly what I want to - which is something along the lines of how I hate the thought of you sitting on that clifftop, weeping. It's what my mum used to do in her youth and it pushes some buttons with me.

I sometimes feel like walking into the sea....

But I think your signature sums you up perfectly. Even when you're down - you can see the light even if it's from another angle.

Online/offline - a whole can of worms really - but I'm so glad you can be totally yourself on here. I can't talk about really deep stuff online now cos I know it's read by my Nemesis (lol - gulp).

You are one of the most respected and loved people on Minimins. End of.

Lots and lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[KD]

Aw poor you Issy, full of cold. I rarely get colds these days. Perhaps I've had them all

I do find that taking a massive dose of Vit C in one of those orange fizzy things, at the very first sign of a cold coming, seems to stop it in it's tracks.

Could be coincidence, and I could just be weeing expensive wee, but whenever I've remembered to take it on the first nasal itch, the cold has gone in a day.

Obviously, not Vit C drink if you are ssing

Online/offline - a whole can of worms really - but I'm so glad you can be totally yourself on here. I can't talk about really deep stuff online now cos I know it's read by my Nemesis (lol - gulp).

I'm so glad nobody has 'found' me yet on here. Not that I know of anyway. I think they'd be shocked.

I know you're having a rough time with the blues at the moment. Lots of hugs back.

Life sucks sometimes doesn't it but we get through and join the world again.

Pain is how we grow (I know you know....I'm 8foot 4" now)

 

[KD]

Its the dark days, grotty weather and the "no end in sight" feeling, I really hate this time of year - except for Christmas.

Yeah, it is the time of year isn't it. Hadn't thought of it like that. That gives me hope. I'm stuck between thinking that I should do my very best until Christmas (damage limitation and all that), to 'what the heck'.

and if you succomb sometimes, its just what a "normal" person would do this time of year. I don't think its anything to do with having lost weight, or regaining, or anything like that, I think its just the time of year. Unfortunately, because we have been big most of our lives we suddenly think that we have ruined it all and we will be back to the weight we were before. Naturally thin people don't think like that, they just go with the flow, and then rein it in afterwards. We have to start thinking like the "naturally thin" ( God I hate em, not fair is it? lol) and go with the flow and sort it all later when we are in a better frame of mind (but not too much later!)

That really struck a chord with me. It's so true. What if I am normal What if it isn't the fat me in action, but just the way slim people work. Eating more at times without a care, and then losing it at other times.

I do try and emulate my DH and kids. Perhaps they don't have such long periods of eating more. Perhaps it's because I am so aware of what I'm doing to myself, I'm not letting my body do it's own thing, but being driven by my old self. The one that says "you've blown it now....that's it, there is no hope".

Thank you Cheryl

That's been so helpful. Time for me to listen to the new me.

 

[Eclipse]

Hi Karion

Glad it helped.

Hope you get your "normal" head on soon. Sometimes its so difficult to find it amongst all the "rubbish" heads in the storage box.

 

[KD]

I can't believe I am giving advice to the esteemed KD, but I guess everyone needs someone sometimes.

Esteemed? Oh no. Behind every successful person, is a very confused person who's wondering how the heck they managed that

what if you have OD'd on the toast, tomorrow is monday, its a new week and you will be fine, me thinks the chatterbox is winning and you have forgotton how strong it can be, especially at this time of year.

od'd on toast every day for the last 2 weeks. OD'd on everything! As for the chatterbox. He didn't get a look in this time. Food went into mouth completely subconsciously. Few of the normal stages of battling with the chatterbox.

You're right though. I can be strong. It'll come back...please God it will come back

You are human just like the rest of us and we definitely don't expect you to be perfect.

I know what you mean about posting ups and downs. I think I do do that. I probably started getting nervous because the downs were getting deeper and deeper. I seemed incapable of climbing out. Each day was getting worse. I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

A good 'down' post would have said

Oh dear, I lost the plot for a moment...but all found now and I have put into practice everything I've learnt

When in truth I was missing my fat life. I was mourning that feeling on knowing I could eat constantly as a few more pounds wouldn't make any difference. After all, 18 and a half stone to 19 stone. Who'll notice?

I missed not having to consciously battle my chatterbox. I missed the feeling of being stuffed, and then stuffing more. I never thought I would. I really thought there was nothing I would miss about being fat. Now I feel the world is waiting for me to put the weight back on, so they can tell me "I told you you would".

Today is better though. Today I want to be slim. The first time in nearly 3 weeks.

I'd give in totally, and at this time of the year continue to pig-out until diet time in the New Year.

That's what I feared. It looked like it was going that way. Last year I was okay. I was stronger. This year the novelty has worn off.

The hard work STARTS at maintenance, in my opinion!

So true. I think the hard work isn't so constant. I can 'cheat' more often, but it's for so long Sometimes it feels like I'm in a neverending war. I'm not winning each battle, that would be to lose weight. The battle we do is just to stay alive...to maintain, if you get what I mean.

No glories of seeing the scales go down. No new dress sizes. Perhaps I'm getting bored of seeing the scales in the same place. Perhaps I want the fun of seeing the scales moving again even if they don't have to.

I certainly don't want to SS again, or even go on a strict diet...perhaps subconsciously I want to sabotage myself so I can have the fun of watching my weight go down again? I dunno

 

[KD]

Hi Karion

Glad it helped.

Hope you get your "normal" head on soon. Sometimes its so difficult to find it amongst all the "rubbish" heads in the storage box.

So true. So today I will eat, but I'll plan what I'm going to eat and put it aside. I'll keep it healthish and plenty of calories, but not to excess. Small steps to try to get the control back.

That's the plan anyway. Today, it might work

 

[Mini]

When I first reached target end 2003, I found it soooo hard to stabilise. Even though I'd lost weight by healthy eating, and not doing a VLCD and ought to have known "what to eat next", all the temptations were all too much for me. So with the compliments ringing in my ears about how fabulous I ate, I set about "making up for lost [eating] time" and spent the first six months of 2004 yoyo-ing up and down 7lbs.

Then I read about the 80 / 20 plan: having five days a week of strict healthy eating (for me weekdays), then two days of more or less whatever you like (I tend to be strictish Saturdays, then TOTAL free rein Sundays).

Since I've been doing this, my weight has barely moved a gramme from one week to the next and I haven't had one binge. Why would I need to binge when I know I can eat whatever I like next Sunday?

I wish you luck Karion. To have dieters think that this maintenance lark is easy would surely be misleading them? The hard work STARTS at maintenance, in my opinion!

Come back and tell us more!

Hi Karion,

I have t agree with Maintainer when she say, "to have dieters think that this maintenance lark is easy would surely be misleading them and that the hard work STARTS at maintenance"

Losing weight is the first phase of the change but to change old ingrained habits and reactions takes much longer...

I'm wondering what set it off. I've had a few very busy weeks, without time to plan meals, or sit and eat them consciously.

I started picking at bits whenever I passed through the kitchen. It was hardly anything to start with, and before I knew it, I was cramming down mince pies like they were going out of fashion. One thing led to another.....you know how it goes.

I think here in your own words you put your finger on what triggers you...you had been very busy and you went off your plan of organized meals and probably let yourself get over hungry.

I know when this happens me it is a danger time and I end up eating the wrong things and not feeling satisfied and my energy goes and I get hooked back into the old cycle of craving high carb/comfort foods again.

I am sure in the days before your diet journey you were not so aware and as you said yourself you really did not care, but now you do.

This is the big difference...we know the cause and the effect that out of control eating has on us and therefore if we don't say stop we will just keep going.

I think your posts are so heartfelt and honest and I know I can identify with what your saying and I think your own articulation of the difficulties that may lie ahead for so many of us is helpful for rather than being lulled into a false sense of security, it is best to be aware that there is still work to be done and it is an on-going journey.

If you buy a house or a car...you still have got to do maintenance and looking after ourselves takes work as well. Astonishingly, most people think nothing of spending hours and mega money on their house and car and very little on themselves.

Yet we are the most valuable thing in the whole world as we are unique and their is and only ever will be one of us.

I hope your having a better day today Karion and it is one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself.

Love Mini xxx

 

[canireallydothis!!]

Never a truer word said Mini.

Hope you are feeling better KD, keep posting please.

We are all here for you x

 

[KD]

Thank you Mini I like the analogy with buying a house. Think I might have bought a wreck here though, one with little promise. Looked okay from the outside, but once you got inside......

Today has been good. So far I'm holding on. Not dieting, not counting calories, not stuffing either. Planned food at planned times. That usually works well for me.

DH has been doing the shopping the last couple of weeks, as I've been doing such long hours and some of my standby goodies aren't in the cupboard. That doesn't help. I've had a moment to find alternatives though

After work tonight I will go to the gym. I've had the biggest break from it since I got to goal. I had been doing 3-4 times a week. Alas, it's been 2 weeks since I entertained the gym members with my falling off the dreadmill, or tripping through the barrier thingy

I might just shock them by taking my pills that keep me upright before I go

Breakfast: smoothie with tropical fruits, skimmed milk, greek yoghurt.
Lunch: Mackerel with salad. Raspberries and creme fraiche
Mid afternoon: some dried fruit, some seeds and almonds
Dinner: Spinach and ricotta cannelloni. Peas, sweetcorn, carrots. Small slice of apple pudding that I made last night with custard.

Tonight: Will have a banana before gym, and a curly wurly after. I've also been given 5 boxes of chocs today, so I might take out 2 or 3 to have later on. (That's 2 or 3 chocs...not two or three boxes )

Drinks: 4 litres of [strike]water[/strike] ...okay...coffee


Really need to review my menus. Everything is filling my kids up. They are both so active. Reckon I need some high GI foods to add to their meals, so that they can get more calories in!

I remember being advised (by a nutritionalist) to add double cream to sauces. Makes it harder for me though. Refuse to do separate meals for them, so perhaps I can make up some for me, then add the cream before I serve theirs. Ummm

 

[KD]

Never a truer word said Mini.

Hope you are feeling better KD, keep posting please.

We are all here for you x

Thank you, you little treasure you

 

[KD]

All in all not a bad day so far.

Managed to keep pretty much on track. Have added a few bits here and there this evening

One skinny cappuccino - 35 cals, so not too bad.

Then I had another slice of apple pudding cake. That is bad. Started skidding on that slippery slope again, so have put it away, and put an egg on to boil.

You'll notice that I can't just not have anything now, as I was expecting to have something. I have to know that what I am eating is the last thing.

I was like that when I gave up smoking (each time). If I smoked the last cigarette without realising it, I had to go and buy another packet before I gave up.

Strange but nothing more than you would expect from me

Egg nearly done...then that's it! No more until brekkie

 

[Mini]

Hi Karion,

Me thinks your in better form again

Exercising does keep with the old head staying screwed on...

I like that story about the woman who was told by the doctor that she was passed it at 65 and not to expect too much from life and to take her medication and make the most of it.

She came home and thought how mean awful the doctor was and she was at her lowest point...crippled with pains and aches of all sorts, over weight and a couch potato.

The thought of waiting for death did not appeal to her very much and all of a sudden she saw that she was on the short end of the stick...

The next day she decided she was going to prove this doctor wrong and she went for a walk...she managed to the gate of her garden path...not very far but she felt a real achievement in it...by the end of the week she had ventured to the corner of her road and bit by bit slow but surely she pushed the envelope...

She had never learned to swim and always wanted to do it...and she joined up and started doing water aerobics and had some swimming lessons and from there she began entering senior citizen competitions and they took her around the world swimming and when I read this story she was in her eighties.

Pity I can't remember her name...

I think something you said triggered this...getting old not sure what it was...

Back on the plan myself...

Love Mini xxx

 

[KD]

Good for her eh! Flipping doctors

I can be contrary like that, but only over some things. At school I am terrible. The moment someone says "they'll not be able to do that....it's much too hard...they are way too young", I take it to mean "you've just gotta teach that"

I usually manage too. On a personal note, I'm not so good. As a child, if a teacher told me I wasn't good at some subject, or wouldn't be able to do it, I went all out to prove them right

I think they were hoping I would see it as a challenge. I wasn't like that. I needed someone to tell me I could do it...it was possible...however obsurd it seemed. I like to think I do have that attitude when I teach.

I'm reminded of a little story I love

The teacher said to the students; "Come to the edge" They replied - "We might fall." The teacher said again, "Come to the edge." And they responded "It's too high." "COME TO THE EDGE" the teacher demanded. And they came. And she pushed them.


And they flew.


Of course, me being me missed the last sentence when I first heard this story. I imagined all these kids lying at the bottom of the cliff face

Well done for getting back on track Mini. How's it going?

 

[canireallydothis!!]

Hiya KD, Dya know, you sound very much like me, I need to have someone tell me I can do it, if they tell me I can then i will, however, if they tell me I cant do it then i agree with them!!!!!

I think the word nutured is key here, if you nuture me I will grow, If you dont then i wont, although I have to change it in the minimins world, tell me I can do it and Ill shrink!!!!!!! Tell me I cant and Ill grow!!!!!

Many people on here told me I could do it when I didnt think I could, and I because they told me I could I believed in myself and I did!!

Im on a ramble now, you can tell I must be feeling better!!!

You can do it, yesterday was a massive break through, and today will be easier x