Lily's Lyrical Lollop. Destination: Land's End...

[MissyJo]

Lily,

I have LOVED reading your diary, all the way through from your first post. The mental games you play are so similar to my own....

You have a 'duck' that twitters on in your ear that must be a cousin of the one sitting on my shoulder. We literally have to 'shut the duck up'.

I am resolved to try to stop playing the mental games and to stop dashing around between what I am currently doing and the next more alluring alternative. I'll try to illustrate what I am on about with my shifts as below....

Shift 1: Slimming world to Atkins

Alluring cos: You can eat as much steak, bacon and eggs as you like and cream and cheese and it will be fast

Eventually felt like a straight jacket because: The meals felt one-dimensional

Shift 2: Atkins to SBD

Alluring cos: I can't remember...nuts and seeds I think

Eventually felt like a straight jacket because: I wanted more veggies and dairy

Shift 3: SBD to Duka

Alluring cos: This looked like the PERFECT diet....oatmeal, veggies, protein, low fat dairy

Eventally felt like a straight jacket because: The food was dull compared with Atkins and SBD....I wanted chilli oil and more luxurious yoghurts.

I still feel it is your direction of travel that is out of kilter,not the method. Do you really buy the messages on your advantage cards?? If not....consider changing them to ones that resonate with you.

You are a star and an inspiration and I am going to love reading your posts. Sorry if my own post appears ranty....I feel I spot a pattern is all xxxxx:break_diet:from a hungry and slightly raggedy Jo

 

[trisha]

[







This is so true, chocolate makes can make you feel good for 5 minutes but then afterwards you feel terrible because you've broken your diet, and because your down you go on and eat more chocolate!!! its a vicious circle that I need to break!!

 

[Lily]

Shift 1: Slimming world to Atkins

Alluring cos: You can eat as much steak, bacon and eggs as you like and cream and cheese and it will be fast

Eventually felt like a straight jacket because: The meals felt one-dimensional

Shift 2: Atkins to SBD

Alluring cos: I can't remember...nuts and seeds I think

Eventually felt like a straight jacket because: I wanted more veggies and dairy

Shift 3: SBD to Duka

Alluring cos: This looked like the PERFECT diet....oatmeal, veggies, protein, low fat dairy

Eventally felt like a straight jacket because: The food was dull compared with Atkins and SBD....I wanted chilli oil and more luxurious yoghurts.

See? See??? That's me - that's so me. Always thinking the grass is greener on another diet. And yet it never is!!

I still feel it is your direction of travel that is out of kilter,not the method. Do you really buy the messages on your advantage cards?? If not....consider changing them to ones that resonate with you.

I know. You could well be right. Do you ever feel like you're not telling yourself the truth, even when it seems that you are? Because on one level, I do believe everything on those cards. And yet on another - it's not enough. It's not enough to make me DO this thing and shed the excess pounds. Which is mad, because it's supposed to be what I want more than anything else! And sometimes it is. And then other times I want the food far more than I want to be slim - even if that's just a transitory thing. The 'what the hell, I'm going to eat' thing wins all too often.

I remember thinking, years ago, when I was nearly 18 stone, that actually, it would almost be a good thing to be diagnosed with diabetes. Because then, I'd have to take my weight seriously. I'd have to do something about it. Of course, the irony is that I'll almost certainly end up with diabetes at some point if I don't get my ar*e in gear. And how awful to wish that on myself. They always say be careful what you wish for...

But my current reasons for wanting to lose weight just aren't enough. I'm no longer as fat as I once was, and so therefore feel comparatively slim (yes, what a joke at 14st 6lbs!). I can't get back to that level of desperation I had at nearly 18st to do something about it.

Madness. And possibly a large dose of PMT talking...

You are a star and an inspiration and I am going to love reading your posts.

Thank you - but 'inspiration', snigger? Me?? Hardly. I'm rubbish at sticking to this diet! But I promised myself at the start of this particular 'bout' of Cambridge that I'd be honest this time around. And maybe eventually, all the wise words that other people post in response to my fevered ramblings will eventually make me see sense...

 

[Lily]

So, in the interests of honesty :sigh:

(damn you, honesty)

you need to know that in addition to the stir fry (which was jolly nice), I ate a small can of peaches in juice, a small can of pears in juice...

...and 75g of Lindt 70% chocolate. Oops.

Never mind. Could've been a whole lot worse, but it sends my calorie count for the day up to 1,700. Grrr.

 

[MissyJo]

''Do you ever feel like you're not telling yourself the truth, even when it seems that you are? Because on one level, I do believe everything on those cards. And yet on another - it's not enough. It's not enough to make me DO this thing and shed the excess pounds. Which is mad, because it's supposed to be what I want more than anything else! And sometimes it is. And then other times I want the food far more than I want to be slim - even if that's just a transitory thing. The 'what the hell, I'm going to eat' thing wins all too often.''

Lily....I could have written that myself. We are 'lard twins' mentally.....

Though I am sorry things are complex for you, I am comforted by the fact that your wrangles are mine too....I thought I was a freak. Well, I may well be. That doesn't mean you are. Much.

It is the toughest thing. Waiting for results that are slow to appear leads to wagon crashes.....subjecting ourselves to harsh regimes does the same. But because I am guessing that, like me, you are a 'black and white' thinker there is no middle way. At all.

I think your 'fevered ramblings' are your process of stripping away some of the c**p and getting to the core of what you want and how you will get there....and they make me laugh too. In a nice way.

So pleased to have found this forum

xxxx J

 

[*Shanny*]

overall a smashing day Lily.. x

 

[Lily]

Lily....I could have written that myself. We are 'lard twins' mentally.....

Though I am sorry things are complex for you, I am comforted by the fact that your wrangles are mine too....I thought I was a freak. Well, I may well be. That doesn't mean you are. Much.

Yeah, right. :8855:

It is the toughest thing. Waiting for results that are slow to appear leads to wagon crashes.....subjecting ourselves to harsh regimes does the same. But because I am guessing that, like me, you are a 'black and white' thinker there is no middle way. At all.

Spot on. I'm either on or off the diet. Although I guess it could be argued that I'm currently experimenting with some middle ground... Or is that just another fib I'm telling myself?

I think your 'fevered ramblings' are your process of stripping away some of the c**p and getting to the core of what you want and how you will get there....and they make me laugh too. In a nice way.

LOL. I hope so - and I'm glad they make you laugh. I really ought to stop taking the p*ss out of myself though - another mark of low self-esteem, I guess. But the alternative would surely be to take the p*ss out of everyone else, so maybe not.

So pleased to have found this forum

xxxx J

I know. It's one of the best places I know. I think many of the people here have struggled mightily with their weight so know where you're coming from. No disrespect intended to anyone reading this who've only ever had a stone or two to lose, but this is one of the few diet forums where many of those posting would be deliriously happy to get to a BMI under 30, let alone something daft like 18. It's a whole different ballgame for those of us who've spent years trying to get our eating habits under control.

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone by writing that, cos I mean nothing horrible by it. I know it's all relative really. x x

 

[MissyJo]

I concur.....I have had a revelation. What we are looking for is just the momentum that results give to our quests. I have to stay on this until results start to power me forward. Not rocket science maybe but a biggie for moi *staggers off, dumbstruck* xx

 

[sumayyah]

I know. It's one of the best places I know. I think many of the people here have struggled mightily with their weight so know where you're coming from. No disrespect intended to anyone reading this who've only ever had a stone or two to lose, but this is one of the few diet forums where many of those posting would be deliriously happy to get to a BMI under 30, let alone something daft like 18. It's a whole different ballgame for those of us who've spent years trying to get our eating habits under control.

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone by writing that, cos I mean nothing horrible by it. I know it's all relative really. x x

thats one of the things i love bout the forum too.
when i used to be a regular at the gym all 23 and a half stone of me i got mighty sick of slim women telling me they knew exactly how i felt about dieting because there trying to lose 5, 7, 14lb themselves. right yep thats exactly the same as trying to lose 14 stone just to bring you close to bmi 25, lol

 

[coralprincess]

I know. It's one of the best places I know. I think many of the people here have struggled mightily with their weight so know where you're coming from. No disrespect intended to anyone reading this who've only ever had a stone or two to lose, but this is one of the few diet forums where many of those posting would be deliriously happy to get to a BMI under 30, let alone something daft like 18. It's a whole different ballgame for those of us who've spent years trying to get our eating habits under control.

Hopefully I haven't offended anyone by writing that, cos I mean nothing horrible by it. I know it's all relative really. x x

I know how you feel, when I was 13.5 at SW & everyone else wants to lose a stone or half a stone, it's so disheartening. You feel a million miles away.

 

[sumayyah]

morning lily, hope your having a good day

 

[mum of five]

hope your well lily
i feel the same thats why i hated going to ww.at least with cd its 1 on 1.i used to feel that it wasn't fat club rather people who want to be a size zero club lol xx

 

[MissyJo]

Yep, I am with you there too Lily.

I found that when I kept losing and regaining the same 2 pounds week after week it was made to seem like 'my fault' because 'this plan works for everyone'. Not moi!!

Lily, I have been thinking of you today and what your mental block might be about. You have talked about Hypnotherapy...have you ever considered NLP instead? Can do the power of good for self-esteem....especially those suffering from Dad-comment damage.

Love Jo

 

[Lily]

Helloooo.

Still here, though still unofficially off the Cambridge wagon and still officially undecided about whether I'm going to [strike]run[/strike] waddle after it.

I had a text from my CDC today asking if I was coming tomorrow for weigh-in. To start with I said yes - but she knows I haven't been sticking to the diet, so she's suggested I don't go, but take the week to get my head in the right place. Wherever that is.

I'm still doing okay with the no-wheat, no-dairy thing. I won't go into too many details about what I've eaten cos it's not fair on you non-eaters reading this diary. But I've managed another successful day, so what's that - day 3-ish?

I feel really torn. There's a part of me that doesn't want to give up on Cambridge, because in truth, it's been good to me. But I can't keep using milkshake to stay at around the same weight for the next year either. That's a crazy way to 'maintain'. It can't possibly be good for me to keep yo-yo-ing between 14st and 14st 9lbs ish or to keep alternating between having virtually no food and shovelling stuff in like a woman possessed.

Whatever I choose to do diet-wise has got to be something I can sustain, that much I know.

I'm so fed up though with having this argument with myself. I know I can't have the argument with anyone else, of course, because everyone says that generic, "You've got to do what's right for you" thing. Which is only right and proper, but I don't know what's right anymore.

Lily, I have been thinking of you today and what your mental block might be about. You have talked about Hypnotherapy...have you ever considered NLP instead? Can do the power of good for self-esteem....especially those suffering from Dad-comment damage.

I've considered every damn thing. Not saying I've tried it all, but I've considered it. The only reason I started on Cambridge was because I realised that I was getting close to needing to consider something like a gastric band or stomach stapling - and it seemed to me that if I was going to do something that drastic and force myself into the position of only being able to eat tiny amounts at a time, that I might just as well try a VLCD and try living with eating tiny amounts at a time.

There is probably a mental block of some kind. I guess it's more than possible that some part of my brain actually fears the idea of me being slim.

I've never posted anything about it here - at least, I don't remember doing so - but my domestic set up is a little unconventional. I am happily married but it's complicated by the fact that that isn't how it might appear to the outside world. That's about as far as I can go without actually saying why it's complicated, LOL. The more astute among you might even be able to guess. But if I was slimmer, is there a risk it might change the status quo? I don't think so, but who know what my sub-conscious is really thinking.

I have a job that terrifies me on a daily basis, LOL. I can hardly believe I managed to land the role I have and despite technically having the right qualifications for it, I still find myself waiting to be exposed as an incompetent numpty. Would being slimmer put even more pressure on me somehow?

And then there's the whole family thing, my Dad with his insensitive comments, the fact that my Mum battled with her weight all her life and - her words - even managed to die from cancer looking fat (even though she wasn't - she had a massive build-up of fluid in her abdomen), the fact that my mother never managed to come to terms with the changes in my domestic set up...

Or could it simply be that I like eating, pure and simple? Does it necessarily have anything to do with any of those other things?

I don't know.:sigh:

Sorry to keep ranting on. Hopefully I'll reach a decision one way or the other in the next week or so...

 

[MissyJo]

Lily, your post is brave and deep and insightful. I found reading it incredibly moving. I hope I didn't push your buttons with the NLP thing....it's just that you strike a chord. I reached 18 stones to hide myself away for lots and lots of reasons.

I had so many unconscious reasons for self-sabotaging and if I am honest, still do.

You have 'imposter syndrome' too...so familiar. That feeling that everyone knows just how pants we really are.

This is all ultimately about your self-worth and you know it and it effing hurts like crazy. Who are you to be slim and beautiful and successful and gorgeous and in control?

I'll tell you who...you are beautiful, inspirational, intelligent, sassy Lily

Posted with the biggest hug xx

 

[Lily]

Lily, your post is brave and deep and insightful. I found reading it incredibly moving. I hope I didn't push your buttons with the NLP thing....it's just that you strike a chord. I reached 18 stones to hide myself away for lots and lots of reasons.

I had so many unconscious reasons for self-sabotaging and if I am honest, still do.

You have 'imposter syndrome' too...so familiar. That feeling that everyone knows just how pants we really are.

This is all ultimately about your self-worth and you know it and it effing hurts like crazy. Who are you to be slim and beautiful and successful and gorgeous and in control?

I'll tell you who...you are beautiful, inspirational, intelligent, sassy Lily

Posted with the biggest hug xx

Now you've made me cry, damn you.

Thank you :hug99:

 

[MissyJo]

Bugger...I was supposed to me making things better

Takes one to know one and all that

Get some kip lady! All will seem different in the morning xxx

 

[MissyJo]

I did a minor sweary word...will banishment follow?

 

[Lily]

Bugger...I was supposed to me making things better

Takes one to know one and all that

Get some kip lady! All will seem different in the morning xxx

You are undoubtedly correct. It's TOTM too, lucky me.

N'night hun x

 

[Lily]

I did a minor sweary word...will banishment follow?

LOL, apparently not.