Mark's Diary!

[Minerva]

*sends hugs* It'll be ok. I know this is tough... Seeing someone and still having so many emotions attached... I guess we've all been in that situation at one point or another, and I do understand that it hurts... and can hurt for a very, very long time. It took me years sometimes to get over some people, but... it does get easier. They do eventually fade away into a distant memory that no longer causes pain.

I hope you're ok. Let us know how you are getting on. x

 

[Loz1986]

We've not heard off you for a little while - hope you're OK!

 

[mark45]

We've not heard off you for a little while - hope you're OK!

*sends hugs* It'll be ok. I know this is tough... Seeing someone and still having so many emotions attached... I guess we've all been in that situation at one point or another, and I do understand that it hurts... and can hurt for a very, very long time. It took me years sometimes to get over some people, but... it does get easier. They do eventually fade away into a distant memory that no longer causes pain.

I hope you're ok. Let us know how you are getting on. x

You guys are the best, thank you for your concerns.

I can't find a hug-type smiling, but sending lots of virtual hugs.

You know what, Mark, it's her loss. You seem such a nice man, and if she can't see that, then that's her problem, not yours.

But, don't feel angry, look at what she has led you to achieve, both physically with your weight loss and increased activity, but also emotionally/mentally. Look at how you were when you first started posting in here, and even the top eof the page here, you weren't very positive and didn't seem very confident, and look at you now.

1300 calories - that's OK. So they weren't the healthiest, so what. And I bet you felt sick after eating all that chocolate and won't do it again in a hurry (and that's surely enough of a punishment).

Hope you're feeling a little more positive today.

Thanks Loz - in fact I am grateful to her because she perhaps unintentionally gave me a taste of experience what this world could offer. Something which I have never experienced before -- what was a doing in High School? Was I the only one doing the work the teachers set whilst everyone else was having fun? I don't know. I guess I always have felt left out.

There comes a time Mark when you just have to move on...I know it is difficult.

Put your energy and focus on yourself and become the best you can be, and often when we are busy enjoying your own life something or someone comes along...because positive, productive energy attracts.

I feel very confused. I feel happy but want to cry at the same time. I think 'it' has happened again. I have a crush on someone else and I really don't know how to handle it. I've asked some trusted people I know how they think I should handle it and everyone gives me a different response. The one I hate the most is "Just be yourself" - totally missing the point. I have lost 4.5 stones in 5 months... you think I did that by being myself? I have had to change myself completely - physically and mentally... so you really think 'being myself' will get me anywhere? FFS.

I requested training at another location for my job to increase my confidence. My employer gave me 2 days training. The first day I saw her and I noticed we were looking at each other I felt this instant "connection" and feeling that I like this person. However, it made no logical sense. There is no logical reason why I should like this person because I do not know her. I did not have the confidence to talk to her but on the second day I spent 2 hours preparing myself to say something and I finally get up off my desk and my mind went blank. However she impressed me because she said something just enough to get me talking and feeling a bit more comfortable.

So now I have been trying to find out if I like this person by talking to her more often. That's the way I have been trying to think of this whole situation and it is causing me stress. Probably too much than other people whom talking comes naturally.

It's difficult because I do not work there, so I have to come up with excuses to go there. I think this is making me self-conscience and puts me off.

Anyway lost 4 lbs weight and recorded about 57 miles walking this week.

On some days I wake up too early I have increased my jogging efforts in the mornings - better to focus on this than to lay in bed thinking about this situation causing more anxiety.

 

[Loz1986]

I hope this works out well for you! And maybe this physically active, more determined and more confident man is the new real you?

 

[Minerva]

I'm glad to hear you're alright and that you're still on track.

I know how it feels when people say something like "Be yourself" and I feel like I'm a trainwreck and that has never been enough. But, in a way, people don't expect anything of someone they've just met. It's a blank slate. If you try to be anyone else, it will show in the long run. Treat her like a colleague, not someone you have a crush on. She's just a person, with interests, hobbies, a life, ask her about those. Get to know who she is as an individual, instead of overthinking anything else that could/might ever happen. A way in to talk to someone you barely know is just to start the conversation about work, part of what you both do on a daily basis. The common denominator. Maybe a joke about how tedious some task is. That's a way in to a more elaborate chat about things outside of work. Sounds patronising for me to even write this, I do apologise. But, having been someone who's extremely shy (still am), have social anxiety and have to think about EVERYTHING I say and it cause stress before a conversation and for days after, I have to think about how to make social interactions on a daily basis. I always think - "How do normal people do it?" I still haven't mastered it at all. But at least I can somehow hold a conversation with people now. Or even start one instead of hiding away in a corner trying to be invisible. Granted it is harder when you seem to be developing an attraction to someone because there is that additional stress of trying to make an impression. But, a smile and a joke go a long way. Nothing special, just being friendly. And I do admit, it's probably easier for a female to pull this off, a guy has to be more subtle.

tl;dr - I think what I'm trying to say is, don't overthink it and don't rush things. Take it one day at a time, try to have small casual chats about work - which would hopefully evolve over time into something about life and general interests. Think a bit about your body language - it says a lot more than words ever could.

And I truly apologise for going off on a tangent here! Feel free to disregard everything I said (yes I'm thinking about deleting a chunk of it D: ).

 

[mark45]

I hope this works out well for you! And maybe this physically active, more determined and more confident man is the new real you?

Ahh thanks Loz that's nice. That's a good way to think of it actually.

I'm glad to hear you're alright and that you're still on track.

I know how it feels when people say something like "Be yourself" and I feel like I'm a trainwreck and that has never been enough. But, in a way, people don't expect anything of someone they've just met. It's a blank slate. If you try to be anyone else, it will show in the long run. Treat her like a colleague, not someone you have a crush on. She's just a person, with interests, hobbies, a life, ask her about those. Get to know who she is as an individual, instead of overthinking anything else that could/might ever happen. A way in to talk to someone you barely know is just to start the conversation about work, part of what you both do on a daily basis. The common denominator. Maybe a joke about how tedious some task is. That's a way in to a more elaborate chat about things outside of work. Sounds patronising for me to even write this, I do apologise. But, having been someone who's extremely shy (still am), have social anxiety and have to think about EVERYTHING I say and it cause stress before a conversation and for days after, I have to think about how to make social interactions on a daily basis. I always think - "How do normal people do it?" I still haven't mastered it at all. But at least I can somehow hold a conversation with people now. Or even start one instead of hiding away in a corner trying to be invisible. Granted it is harder when you seem to be developing an attraction to someone because there is that additional stress of trying to make an impression. But, a smile and a joke go a long way. Nothing special, just being friendly. And I do admit, it's probably easier for a female to pull this off, a guy has to be more subtle.

tl;dr - I think what I'm trying to say is, don't overthink it and don't rush things. Take it one day at a time, try to have small casual chats about work - which would hopefully evolve over time into something about life and general interests. Think a bit about your body language - it says a lot more than words ever could.

And I truly apologise for going off on a tangent here! Feel free to disregard everything I said (yes I'm thinking about deleting a chunk of it D: ).

Minerva, I can't thank you enough for your views and your personal experience. I like it how you write the truth directly - I value that. It did not sound patronizing to me and I am very pleased that you did not delete any of it.

In fact I can empathize with what you are saying about thinking about everything you have to say before and days after. Because that is exactly my position right now and I think this whole process is causing me too much stress than, say, 'normal' people. I've heard of the "fight or flight" response which is apparently governed by the primitive part of the brain and unfortunately it seems I favour the latter rather than the former. This is something which through this whole exercise and self-improvement I am actively changing.

Case in point yesterday I intended to visit her at work (remember: it's at another location so I was very self-conscience of what people were thinking as to why I was there) and I felt the "butterfly-in-stomach" and still went in.
Unfortunately words cannot describe how disappointed I was to learn that she was not working on that day. Nevertheless it is still an achievement that I went through with it. I know for sure 5 months ago I could not do that.

It is like a psychological barrier is placed on me and no matter how I try to reason with my head I cannot shake the fear.

 

[Minerva]

I can write/talk too directly most of the time, I haven't learned how to sugar coat something to make it more ... soft, like most. People think I'm too honest most of the time...! :/
I'm also more of a flight person in the "fight or flight" scheme of things, you are right, the primitive part of the brain dictates that and it's not easy to shake off, but sounds like you are well on your way to coping with it better, throwing in rational reasoning into the mix and thinking it through.

The fear of going outside your comfort zone will never leave, no matter how confident a person is, they still feel anxious and nervous about decisions they make. It's all about how you manage that stress. The thing is, you have come such a long way from just 5 months ago, as you have mentioned, you should feel so proud. The more you push that boundary, the easier it will become. Well done for taking that chance and pushing yourself. It's valuable, no matter the outcome.

x

 

[mark45]

Oh my goodness. I feel so upset. My colleagues let me have the rest of the day off yesterday. After my lunch break I came back into the office. It seems my colleagues know me because they asked me if I was ok and eventually I started to cry, etc. They told me they think I am in a similar 'state' to what happened to me by the last person I got rejected. Anxious, worrying too much, not thinking straight etc etc. But the thing is nothing happened. I haven't even asked her anything.

I feel this whole thing has been too stressful for me and I right now I feel I would prefer to drop the whole matter and forget about it and never to go back to the other location to see her.
I feel that even if by some miracle I could even get a 'date' it would be far too stressful for me to handle. So I might as well spare the stress, save both our time and let it go.

'Normal' people seem to have fun, it just seems unobtainable for me. And now I just feel like an idiot. Back to the beginning.

 

[Loz1986]

You seem to have some lovely colleagues at work.

I love the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. When I do something when I have that feeling, it is almost like a thrill other people get from jumping out of an aeroplane or swimming with sharks or whatever. When I have done something with that feeling, it is like a sense of achievement. I do it as soon as I can then there is no time to worry about it or change my mind. My suggestion would be go back on Monday, chat to her, ask her if she wants to get a coffee (right then and there). It'll be a start and then there is no commitment about going out on a date with her and no big event to build up to. But it could lead to something else.

 

[mark45]

Updates:

Current weight = 17st 7lbs

Can now jog 5km without rest.

You seem to have some lovely colleagues at work.

I love the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. When I do something when I have that feeling, it is almost like a thrill other people get from jumping out of an aeroplane or swimming with sharks or whatever. When I have done something with that feeling, it is like a sense of achievement. I do it as soon as I can then there is no time to worry about it or change my mind. My suggestion would be go back on Monday, chat to her, ask her if she wants to get a coffee (right then and there). It'll be a start and then there is no commitment about going out on a date with her and no big event to build up to. But it could lead to something else.

Loz, that's true. I am really lucky in that aspect of my work!

I have not seen her yet. I went twice last week and she was not there. Busy week this week not had time to go to other location. Feeling more positive though, practicing being more of myself so hopefully will be easier. I don't know whether I should just tell her the truth. Let you know either way.

 

[mark45]

Updates:

Current weight: 16st 11lbs

Mid-term goal reached.

I can now jog 8km without rest.

 

[mark45]

Hi Mark, I've just been reading through your diary. How are you getting on now? Did you talk to her? x

Thanks for taking the time. I seem to have lost temporary interest in this diary probably because I have not seen her for a month now. It's stressing me out to be honest. It's the regret not knowing - 'what if' 'should have' 'could have' etc etc. I have been practicing talking with other men/women with my newfound confidence but it pales in comparison from what I remember when I talked to her.

Someone is leaving that office. I have applied for their job - 9% payrise if I get it plus would save 2 hours/day travelling and the bonus: that would give me an excuse to be there 5/days a week

In terms of weight: I am now: 16st 2lbs. With my height (6ft 2in) this brings my BMI to under 30. For others who have just joined - I started 22st 6lbs (Class III Obesity) on 04/02/2016
Therefore...after 207 days I am now classified as OVERWEIGHT!

I do feel better about myself. I got some new T-Shirts for running/jogging (still can only do 8km) and a couple of shirts/trousers. It's an amazing feeling. I used to feel I was constantly being 'watched' but now I have lost weight (and undertook some life coaching to be honest) I don't have that hanging around my head anymore.

 

[mark45]

Thank you so much cynicalgirl.

I heard that someone is taking a holiday sometime soon so I'm hoping she will be covering. We will see.

If I don't see her again I know I will be upset. My own inaction and fear of rejection has stopped me progressing with life. This is something I am in the middle of changing.

 

[mark45]

I've got a meeting this week. They want me to meet the team. Maybe a 'pre-interview'? Lol.

Have been stressed lately, just thinking about her and what I should have done. I had this horrible idea that she left. It felt as if my cat just died. It's really strange because I don't really know her.

I now weigh 15st. 13lbs. Only 2st 6lbs left.

 

[Piece of Cloud]

Hi Mark, I've just read through your diary and I have to say, I'm amazed at your progress, both physically and emotionally, since the start of your diary . I know what you're going through, and it does get easier, I promise - a few years ago I was almost a mute, unable to talk to people and severely harming myself, I developed psychosis and a lot of the time was only halfway in reality, living in fictional worlds, and my hallucination/paranoia. I hit rock bottom, and after a long spell of hospitalization and several suicide attempts, I'm finally out the other side. There have been a lot of setbacks, it's not a smooth road by any means, and there are times when I still think I'll never make it and find myself giving up. But I change it in my head, and I keep going, just like you. You can't let this stop you. Take a step back when you need to and look at the bigger picture - look at yourself, without the influence of anyone else. Look at your progress, how much you've changed and grown. Whatever happens, you are still you, and you have a life that you need to get out and live; it's so easy to let your fears paralyze you. You can't change what you should or shouldn't have done. Focus on what you can or can't do now, in this moment, for the next time you see her, because that's something you can change .

 

[mark45]

Right, well...

1) Didn't get the job.
Disappointed. Not the end of the world, though. I'm not sure I really wanted it for the right reasons. If I am honest with myself I probably was interested in the position as an excuse to see if a certain someone was still working there...

2) She does... and she likely has a boyfriend.
As I was at the meeting, my boss and a few colleagues (who know) asked me "is she the one?" I said yes and they all "think" that she has a boyfriend. "Thinking" is different than "knowing" in my opinion so I'm a loss at what to do now. Since seeing her I feel more relaxed and I will try not to stress myself too much over this. Disappointing but at least I am not devastated like last time I guess.

Hi Mark, I've just read through your diary and I have to say, I'm amazed at your progress, both physically and emotionally, since the start of your diary . I know what you're going through, and it does get easier, I promise - a few years ago I was almost a mute, unable to talk to people and severely harming myself, I developed psychosis and a lot of the time was only halfway in reality, living in fictional worlds, and my hallucination/paranoia. I hit rock bottom, and after a long spell of hospitalization and several suicide attempts, I'm finally out the other side. There have been a lot of setbacks, it's not a smooth road by any means, and there are times when I still think I'll never make it and find myself giving up. But I change it in my head, and I keep going, just like you. You can't let this stop you. Take a step back when you need to and look at the bigger picture - look at yourself, without the influence of anyone else. Look at your progress, how much you've changed and grown. Whatever happens, you are still you, and you have a life that you need to get out and live; it's so easy to let your fears paralyze you. You can't change what you should or shouldn't have done. Focus on what you can or can't do now, in this moment, for the next time you see her, because that's something you can change .

Hey PoC thanks for taking the time to think and write about your story. I really appreciate it. The last sentence is good advice in particular

 

[mark45]

Looking for a new move.

I have been attending college part-time for the past 3 years in my own time and expense. My last exam is in December so hopefully can move on into something in the area which I have studied.

 

[GeorgeTown]

Hi Mark,
Well done on your weight loss so far. I went through a break up about 8 weeks ago, and it was an incredibly difficult time, but I carried on with my journey because ultimately, nothing can stand in the way of aiming for a healthier lifestyle. Your doing great, keep up the hard work mate

 

[mark45]

Thought I would give an update on the situation(s). Have been quiet probably due to it. I actually put on 1½ lbs. last week.


Well it happened again. Apparently it was all in my head. Unrequited. Didn't hurt as much as the first one (First Cut is the Deepest!) but I still feel disappointed.

Not only this I had another interview at a different company - didn't get it.

Sigh.

So recently have been feeling really tired. On my days off I get up after 8am where as before I used to get up naturally at 6.30am and I used to go straight away walking.

But anyway in terms of weight loss I'm back on track this week as I have provisionally lost 2½ lbs (weight recorded on Wednesdays').

Some statistics:

Starting weight: 22st 6lbs
Current weight as of today: 15st 3½ lbs.
Weight lost: 100.5 lbs
Average loss per week (36 weeks): 2.8lbs
Target weight: 13st 7lbs.
Weight to lose: 24.5 lbs
Expected completion at current rate of activity and energy consumption: 8.75 weeks
Target date of last weigh-in: 14 December 2016

We shall see if weather changes have an affect on weight loss...

That's fantastic! What is it that you're studying? x

Accountancy.

Hi Mark,
Well done on your weight loss so far. I went through a break up about 8 weeks ago, and it was an incredibly difficult time, but I carried on with my journey because ultimately, nothing can stand in the way of aiming for a healthier lifestyle. Your doing great, keep up the hard work mate

Thank you very much. I really appreciate the kind words.

Losing weight was something I had wanted to do for a very long time -- just look at when I started this thread (over 6 years ago!). I am pleased I took an extremely bad experience to trigger it and turn it into a positive and - hopefully/probably - life changing experience.

 

[MAndrews]

Mate, well done for the progress that you have made as well as the courage to share your honest feelings for someone. Take it as a blessing in disguise - that, and you have someone important to care about, you, yourself!

Not sure what your age is, but have you had your test levels tested? That can have a HUGE influence over your progress.

All the best with your studies. Keep at it.