Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

Just a really quick update while I have time...

Today was the first day back 'on track' as it were, weighed in this morning and realistically I was expecting worse. It wasn't all that great either at 11st 7. This is the heaviest I've been for over a year and a half, so I've backtracked quite heavily.

However, I feel I'm in the right place mentally to do this now. The trip to Russia put many anxieties and emotions at rest, I am ready to begin the 'healing' process.

I am not viewing this weight gain as a complete failure and while I wish I hadn't gained so much, I knew I was trying all the time to get myself sorted out but I just couldn't. The comfort eating helped me deal with the pain - it made me forget it for a while or it would have literally killed me. A few stone in comparison to me nearly jumping off bridges I think is a reasonable compromise.

I just hope I can get back to a healthier me, though it's hard to imagine right now. Hm...
 
Hi Min, good to see you back and feeling more able to get back 'on track'.

I'm not surprised you tried to bury those feeling with food. We have all done it, and it's a lifetime habit we sometimes go back too when it's too difficult to cope any other way.

I believe you'll knock this weight gain on the head, you've proved in the past hwo focussed you can be.
 
You needed to gain some of that weight back Min, you said yourself you felt best at around nine and a half stone, which seems like an ideal weight for your height.

I'm sure you'll deal with the rest as you start to feel better, you're going through a lot right now so don't be too hard on yourself.
 
Day 7.

It's actually quite interesting how much of a difference in eating pattern I have seen just by getting the preliminary sugar/heavy carbs out of the system.

For the last week I've just been eating plenty of vegetables (however many I want), salad (also unlimited) and very small meals (no more than 150cal for breakfast, 200 for lunch, and 300 dinner) - the calories for the day are more than made up by all the vegetables I'd been munching! I've even cut out the fruit - because I know I can just eat them and eat them and eat them some more with no stopping point due to the sugar. Vegetables are nowhere near as bad. For my 'sweet tooth' satisfaction I've stocked up on sugar-free jelly pots! :D

The unlimited RAW vegetables and salad were simply to satisfy the sugar/carb hunger/withdrawal effects. I didn't want to get my body/mind feeling distressed after such a long time of psychological torture I'd put myself under with this starvation thing. I eat to need now - and as the toxins are leaving my body, the need is less and less. It's pleasing to see that change. I actually had 'the shakes' on day two! :eek:

I'm not really interested in 'dieting' or quick fix solutions to get my weight down as quick as possible. Been there, done that. ... I want to concentrate on healthy eating, cutting out the junk completely. Eating to need and listening to my body again. The weight will stabilise and I believe will go down in time. I'm in no rush. I'm more interested in making a long and effective change to my lifestyle and eating habits which I can do for the rest of my life. :)

And as... as the sugar and processed carbs leave my body... I feel like I don't need that stuff. When I was 'high' on it, I couldn't imagine my life without them. In fact, I couldn't imagine not eating ALL the time. And I do mean, chewing something every minute of the day. Now, JUST a week later... I know and am ready to pretty much give those things up. They're my addiction and if I have them... I know I can't stop. Better safe than sorry.

Bring on Week 2! :D
 
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Great to see you getting right back into things Min, well done!
 
I have to say... I have missed having a sense of smell and working tastebuds! :D
This vegetable-low fat diet is great, I eat as much as I want and I find with each day it's less and less (generally even with this I am consuming less than top calorie intake for the day - I'm not counting, but my weight is slowly going down). I don't go hungry at all. :) Which is more than I could say when I was 'on the sugar'. I was constantly hungry or unsatisfied or felt forced to stuff myself even when I didn't want to anymore.

I don't feel sluggish anymore and my energy is high. I'm happy to be getting all this sugar out of the system. I actually seem to have a natural eating stop point - I feel ABLE to walk away from food again. I feel ABLE to listen to my stomach again. ... It's liberating.

I noticed after one of my first chocolate binges back in March that my sense of taste disappeared completely. It only took a few days to recover... I mean lets put it this way. Right now, I can taste very distinctive differences between types of lettuce. Before - it was just crunchy watery stuff - so I'd want to eat less of it and instead opt for the rubbish that was high in whatever because that's the only thing that could excite the senses.

Going strong. Feeling good. Fat, but good. Hee hee. ;)
 
Week 2, done. I don't know what to make of it to be honest... It was both successful and a failure.
Success came in the way that I did not touch any foods that I "shouldn't" - so your carbs and sugar. I wanted to slightly on several occasions but I know better and I did not. That's not a struggle at all, setting up that boundry is pretty easy (especially that my boyfriend is on a diet too so there are no real "bad" things in the house), but I'm past touching those things anyway, there's a box of Weetabix open in the kitchen and it doesn't bother me... And I used to eat those like biscuits at my worst!

So in that way, it's been ok. The failure comes in the VOLUME of food I still seem to eat. I find it hard to get out of the 'binge' mode. I eat very low calorie density food to compensate (lettuce, sugar-free jelly, cabbage, broccoli, mushrooms)... But this can't be healthy at all, and it's not! As a result, I feel guilty about the food I'd eaten, and eat low calorie lunches and dinners. I don't count at all, but it must be somewhere below the daily intake maximum as I still managed to shed 3lbs this week.

I guess because I eat such volumnous and technically speaking low-nutrition foods I feel full yet hungry at the same time. That is a little disconcerting. I know what you will say - so eat something nutritious and balance it out! ... I would if I could, trust me. I'm still stuck in some sort of bad emotional loop and having to do a 15,000 word dissertation by the end of September doesn't help!

You know what I didn't miss though? The head fog. Having a permanent fuzzy headache really screws you around. So when I was eating all manner of crap - ok it was adding to the problem of low self-confidence, but at least I could think clearly. I had energy to do stuff! But the self-confidence is the kicker. Having been somewhat happy with yourself then losing it all in a short period of time really REALLY shoots you down. I avoid going out completely because a) I have very little nice clothes left b) feel really awkward (and I know it's mostly JUST in my head) around my boyfriend's friends who'd seen me thin and then not seen me since I'd expanded. ... Not easy feeling to deal with at all! But I put a brave face on it.

Week 3 - is going to be the toughest, but I'm determined to keep going. The average length of time for women to stay on a strict diet is apparently 19 days! I'll beat it, I'm sure ;) At least that's my goal for now. Hee hee. I've already broken the 13-day sugar drop-out period, so all's good.

I just hope this headache goes away... Maybe that's why the bingeing started again in a bad way as well... I know though if I keep going I'll regain self control in that area though. I can't fix everything at the same time. I am fixing the sugar/carb dependency at the moment. When I actually SEE that it's working (dropping weight...) then I know the self-worth thing will kick in which will put self-control over the volume of food I have. I know it's happened in the past, it's a long cycle, I just need to be patient and remember that these things don't happen over-night! ... I find it funny, on any diet, people (including myself) seem to EXPECT to drop a stone over the period of a week. Like "I've been good ALL day!! I SHOULD have dropped like 5lbs by now!!" I find it funny to catch myself in those moments. :) It's ridiculous, but true!

Have a good week everyone. x
 
Glad to see you're starting to sort it all out Min, dealing with the physiological aspect (the sugar/carb dependency in your case, with me it was sugar/refined fats) really helps with that - just allows your mind to clear so you can begin to see the real picture and know what you're dealing with.

Good luck for this week. :)
 
Thank you Elizabeth :) It is indeed getting a tiny bit easier every week on the psychological front... I turn to food less as a dependency because slowly my subconscious mind is realising it will NOT get sugar and fat to soothe the emotional pain. It wants it and makes me binge on iceberg lettuce (my new best friend!) and sugar-free jelly instead. But those have a definite stopping point; because they provide so much volume for minimal calories - they fill me up pretty quickly.

I know I'll cut out the bingeing soon. I have the power to stop myself from doing it several times a day now, so it's baby steps in the right direction. Minimal psychological strain if I do it slowly, as I know I can't force myself to do anything. I need to want it.

A fairly successful Week 3 I think, have my head buried in mountains of dissertation reading - so it provides a good distraction from food too. But I do find I lack mental energy sometimes, which I worry may sabotage the end result. As bad as all the *rubbish* food was - it gave me mental capacity to take on vast theoretical debates and be able to retain immense amounts of information. But I'll get there, I rely on my smarts to get me there. I'm not undereating at any point and never go hungry. So all's good.

Another 2lbs off last week, good result. Not sure how I managed it with the amount I'm eating though!

Week 4, bring it on...
 
Hi Min,
Still complicated feelings going on for you I see, but the pounds are coming off
so well done.
As always you find a way that works for you.
 
Hi Scot,
Congratulations on the pregnancy xx:wave_cry:
 
Week 4 done... A mixed bag really... I'm getting a lot of those feelings back of super-control-not-eating thing that got me into quite a lot of trouble the first time... Which isn't good. I'm more and more scared of food as I'm past the stage of thinking 'I'll eat less even though I don't feel it's working' ... and now instead 'Nothing's working, I'm not losing so I have to eat nothing'.

Sorta ... I dunno.. conflict... Doesn't help that I'm in a place of constant mental exhaustion through reading much sociological and criminological theory for hours on end. Analyzing. Thinking. Formulating ideas. In the face of many emotions; not feeling like I have enough time for ANYTHING - not feeling like I'm achieving enough to get there in the end; feeling a lot of guilt over not having enough time or energy to speak to my boyfriend ( I miss him so much even though he's just in the other room :( ); still being in stages of grief; feeling worthless and fat; having constant nightmares; feeling like I have bugs crawling all over me; and fighting stronger and stronger recurring urges of something I left many years ago - the need for this vice is overwhelming, but I can't, must not give in to it. I can't let myself slip back there again.

I 'binge' less and less - I can stop myself now. I welcome the hollowness. I just wish I didn't feel so purtid.

On that note... Week 5 begins.
 
Min, this spectrum of 'control' issues with food is a tough thing to resolve, but you've got a head start in the fact that you at least recognise the two sides of the coin - you know that whether you're bingeing or starving, either way you're still using food as a mechanism to deal with the stress you're under. Knowing this and fully grasping the consequences are two different things sometimes .... people often need to go through the patterns and find themselves stuck with the consequences many times over before they get to the stage where they can begin to change it.

You need to address the non-food apects of your life. Food is NOT THE ISSUE, it's the mechanism you're employing to deal with the real issues. You need to find another way - personally I think you need to open up to someone in real life, whether it be a counsellor/doctor/other professional. You are independent, stubborn and headstrong which means it's difficult to open up and ask for advice or help, but you need to recognise that your emotional independence is working against your better interests now.

Sorry to be so direct hon, I'm concerned that you're heading for another ultra-controlled phase. Nobody wants to see you go there again. :(

Sometimes you can't do it all by yourself.
 
Thank you both so much... I tried running away a little from your responses, but they did weigh heavily on my mind... E - you're right, I will probably go through a period of fluctuations like this, but I recognize the signs earlier these days... So, I'm taking steps to fix things.
I have a problem with expressing intense emotions; I actually can't. If I feel something that I can't deal with (be it excitement, depression, happiness, shock; etc) I turn to either eating like a lunatic or to physical self-destruction (be it overeating, undereating, smoking (I gave it up), or others which I will not mention here). Anything to take me away from the intensity of whatever I am feeling, to soothe it, calm it down.
Counsellors make me angry. I've seen a few in the last 5-6 years, but I don't feel safe opening up to them. I don't want to open up to anyone close either because I feel too vulnerable. I don't like feeling that way. So I turn in-ward and try to destroy that feeling. Sometimes it does help to write all this down, to complete strangers who don't know me. Like here.


Or I draw. But I don't do it enough. This is an example of the most recent... 2008: It's quite unfinished though....

...Pushed You Away... by ~Dionycia on deviantART


Hm...
 
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Hi hon. You are very talented Min. I've had a look at your drawings. Can I be honest - they make me feel kind of sad for you. There seems to be an awful lot of pain portrayed in them. To clarify - I do not feel "sorry" for you, but sad for you - I hope on print here you can see the difference. ;)

Art is a wonderful way to express things that you can't verbalise outward. Its very therapuetic. I paint and draw myself, and have found it that way. I have always been interested in art, and its one of lifes regrets that I passed the opportunity to go to a really great art school in San Francisco when I was about your age.

I have been seeing a counselr for 3 or 4 weeks now, for grief counseling. I asked her, why is it that I seem to feel things so much more intensly around death and grief then others I have know, or others I see in the same process. I said others seem to pick up and move on with their lives fairly quickly - (of course they are still greiving, but they progress), where I seem to wallow in it and make myself feel it more and more - i.e. I watch a depressing movie instead of a comedy - I listen to sad music instead of upbeat music - I immerse myself in sadness. I always have - this is nothing new - and when I do not have something traumatic that I am dealing with I am quite a happy and chirpy person. But when I am down - I reallllly sink right in to it. My counselor advised me that is not uncommon for people who are artistic. She said its quite a common thing, that our sensitivites are somewhat different then someone perhaps more practical.

I don;t really know why I am rambling like this. I just felt like you might understand it.

Counseling can be effective, and sometimes you do have to go through quite a few to find a good match. This is the first counselor I have ever seen (seen about 3 others in the past) who I feel comfortable with enough so to be honest. Its scary bearing your soul, and divulging your deep darks. But it can also be healing.

Anonymous sources, like us, well - we are really kind of anonymous, aren't we all - that can help too. But sometimes, its OK to be angry with a professional, and to work through deep seated issues with them. Anger always seems to be a key part of ANYTHING big that we go through - its always a stage of something.

I can guess what some things you might have done to deal with your pain. And there are clues shown in your art.

Just remember, there are people here who genuinely care about you, and if it helps - the rattle away on the site. But don't poo poo all professional help - there may come a day when you are ready, and that will make you receptive, and you could find some balance. I know it has helped me some so far.

<<<hugs>>> You got a lot goin on in htat lil' ol' head o' yours. Don't forget to let some of it out now and again.

:)
 
Min, I don't know what to say apart from to thank you for your honesty. Your drawing is amazing.
yes it is good to write out your feelings and it is good that people who don't know you and don't judge you read and re-act to your thoughts.
I can only wish for you a peaceful life and I truly hope you come to terms with your deamons.
Light, love and life. x
 
Hello Min,
Your art is a mixture of beauty and pain showing very intense emotion. No-one can completely understand our deep emotions and most of us here have developed many ways of covering them up. Our common method is to do it with food. As with most of these addictions it will always be easy to slip back so we have to be vigilant if it's important to us.
Lucky you have the talent to express your feelings in your drawings.
BL I'm glad the counselling is helping you a little. You are also able to express your feelings through your art. I'm sure that's why you were clearing your studio - so that it was ready when you felt able to get back in there.
Hang on in there ladies.
Life throws these huge challenges, but you are strong, determined, powerful women.
Nothing stays the same.
Women are survivors. You will come through.
 
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