Minerva's on a mission!!

[HannahNewton]

I echo what the other say Minerva, and have certainly had some very dark times too.

A skilled NLP practitioner (I'm a big fan of NLP, so admit to being biased) can help you focus on the present and the future. The past needs placing where it belongs, behind you!!

I do find this site a great place to come and express my feelings and relate to others who are experiencing similar things. I'm spending perhaps an unhealthy amount of my free time on here - but there are so many interesting threads to read!!

You are blessed with a talent to express yourself so beautifully in writing, an amazing way to release feelings and stop them rotating around in your head.

Do try to get out in the sunshine and take the opportunity to get out in your garden. Being in nature I find very therapeutic. Sitting on a log in the Bluebell woods near my home, whilst my dog scampered about this evening was just beautiful.

xx

 

[Minerva]

Day 36.

Happy Easter everyone. I'm kind of glad I didn't grow up with the English Easter-Egg traditions, I don't care at all about chocolate at this time of year! In Latvia we had different traditions which are too far removed from what is done here, much more Pagan in spirit, so for me 'Lieldienas' is about doing things together with the family and being out and about in nature! I really should have done some traditional egg-dying with onion skins, we enjoyed it lots when I showed my partner how to do it a few years ago!

But, today, my partner's family and I went to Box Hill National Trust Park for a lovely walk, some steep hill climbing and then collapsing on the side of a green hill (quite littered with bunny poop!!) for a picnic. While trying NOT to get a tan (thank god someone brought a straw hat so I could hide!), it was a lovely sunny hot day. Food wise, I brought some pre-measured chicken and a couple of tomatoes - and didn't get tempted by any of the other picnic food available even though the boyfriend forgot to pack my salad (bar ONE 30 calorie cocktail sausage)!!... Oh well, had a nice dinner of the salad bowl in the evening, so in a way, it was good!

I've done 5 weeks of this diet so far, another 15 or so to go... Seems such a long time.
Having said that, even though I'm nowhere near any kind of goal, I do feel better confidence-wise... Having clothes feel a little looser is such a boost. Makes a nice change from questioning whether you'll be able to even close your jeans the following morning. Eating and self-control wise, I'm slowly getting my head around it again, I'm back into the understanding how to bank my incoming energy again - rather than forcefully being oblivious to the calories on things and justifying having too much of a good thing! Blips still happen, on Thursday I had an entire white cabbage and kept eating even though I was rather bursting full... Not sure, why being left alone sometimes affects me that way. As far as my bingeing behaviour goes, there is a lot of improvement from even 5 weeks ago. I just have to keep working on it and understanding what triggers it and how to eliminate those factors.



And as far as counsellors go... I have tried them in the past and they haven't been useful. Just like anti-depressants - which actually made me feel worse, I want to understand things and 'fix' them in myself. I can't rely on other people to do it for me, I want to find my own way of doing it. I got off the anti-depressants and worked through the awfulness, it still lingers - but nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I just know that life goes on, I can't lie in bed all day no matter how much I'd like to. It's selfish and will hurt other people. They are not my slaves to run circles around me. Depression isn't an excuse to make other people slavishly dance in front of me or walk on egg-shells whenever I'm around. Just like most people, I put on my plastic smile. What else is there to do?

There are no magic answers to emotional troubles, or weight loss, or anything that is DIFFICULT. The best way is to dig our way up out of the grave. Eventually we'll reach ground level. Until then, shut your eyes and even for a moment, remember what the sunshine feels like on your skin, because one day... you will feel it again.

 

[UmmZakaria]

A skilled NLP practitioner (I'm a big fan of NLP, so admit to being biased) can help you focus on the present and the future. The past needs placing where it belongs, behind you!!

I completely agree with Hannah on NLP - I am a Practitioner (although a very rusty one) and it is a really good, positive way of working through things in your head. If you find someone who is good at what they do it can be wonderful. Not at all like "counselling" x

 

[Spanglymum]

Sorry for thread hijack but how did you become an NLP practitioner? I have done some courses and find it fascinating (my academic background is originally Linguistics).

Minerva - did I ever reply to you to say I'm half Latvian? Well, I am! . My dad was a displaced person during the war (he had me and my sister late in life and didn't like to talk about the war as it was too painful). I literally have Latvian blood in me btw: my blood group is quite rare over here (about 5% of people in the UK) and much more common in Eastern Europe (about 75%).

Wish I knew more about the country. I visited once, after my father died, just before it regained independence. I'd love to go back again.

 

[Julslynne]

Hiya Minerva.
It's taken me ages to go through your diary. your so inspiration and full of wise thoughts and words. Have you thought of becoming a LLC. You'd be fab hun. You had ups and down's and pulled through the other end. Well done you. I hope I can be as successful. Xxxxxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

Sorry for thread hijack but how did you become an NLP practitioner? I have done some courses and find it fascinating (my academic background is originally Linguistics).

Just sent you a pm my lovely x

 

[Minerva]

I'm hardly an inspiration Julsly, but thank you... I feel like a failure every day... I did consider becoming a LLC, but the setting up and training costs are something like £20,000, not something I can even begin thinking about. But, I've always wanted to become a counsellor, but in all honesty I'm not sure if I'd be emotionally able to cope with such a profession anymore.

Spangly, you should absolutely go and visit Riga - it's stunning. It's changed a lot since it's regained its independence. Would maybe be quite therapeautic to visit your father's native country, put you into a spiritual link to who he was and where he came from? I always think about my grandparents when I go and try to visit my vecmamma (grandma) as she is my last grandparent now... I have some displaced family from the war too, they're in America. I've written to them a few times, but never met them. Do you speak any of the language?

-----

Day 39.

Not sure how today will go... But yesterday wasn't so good... I chose to binge on cabbage and salad. Yes, real cabbage and salad, I have no need for other things - despite my partner having lots of Easter chocolate littered around and there being 'bready' things... I don't want those. I just wanted to eat a lot and feel full... Having thought about it, I've always known that overeating to a painful state is a punishment of sorts. I punish myself for being a failure, worthlessness, not being good enough... But then I did also realise that it's my replacement for self-harm. I stopped self-harming quite a few years ago with the help of my partner and also through a promise I made to my Russian grandmother. But since then, I've been trying to hurt myself in other ways, invisible and undetectable, those being sub-conscious some of the time. I still get the urge to do what I used to do, but I can't bring myself to disappoint my partner. But I also feel like I have no outlet for bad emotions. I just bottle them, I usually can't cry, because I was brought up not to. I used to smoke to ease the numbess, but I stopped that. Then I turned to food more heavily and I still do. I need to find an outlet. I do art sometimes, creating things helps, but I always look for a way to self-destruct. It's me I want to destroy, not to create some object.
At least the plus side of vegetables is that you can't eat too many before not being able to stuff any more in, they have a stopping point, I didn't go over the 800 calories per day. I can't say anything good about the 'ketosis' state, I'm sure that's out the window. This is a temporary measure, I need to fix it. I need to find some self-worth and do something and occupy my time. I need to find a job, just that after being rejected for a voluntary internship, it does knock your confidence. If I'm not good enough for a voluntary position, what the hell am I good for? ... Ugh.

 

[Minerva]

Day 40.

Can't believe it's been 40 days already... I've had a bunch of thoughts today... Apart from the very fact of how depressing my journal is - but then again, I'm writing this for myself, to vent and purge instead of keeping it inside... To explore why things are the way they are. In life I'm not as depressive, I have learned to wear a mask so that I'm tolarable to those around me! But inside, my world looks like a decayed and rusted wasteland.

Meh. Semantics. I was thinking earlier as to why I eat the way I do, and while I've known this on some level for a long time, I can put it down to what I learned from my father's behaviour. When I grew up with my grandparents, they were very good with feeding me at the right times, never letting me snack, we had no chocolate or sweet things except for special occasions. But when I moved to England at the age of 10 to live with my dad and stepmum I learned a lot of bad behaviour from him.

My dad has been my idol for so long and I have always strived to copy him, to learn how to be an adult. Despite what mothers and fathers do with their kids, the parents' own behaviour will always be the behaviour that the child himself emulates when they reach the same age. We behave as children and develop ourselves that way, until we reach an 'adult' stage - in which we naturally assume the behaviour we observed from our mums and dads when we were little. Slowly I've noticed I hae started doing the same mannerisms, say the same thing, react to situations exactly as I learned to from my dad. It wasn't a conscious thing, it just ... happened.

My dad is a binge eater to an extent; cakes and ice cream, cookies and meat would magically go missing in our house on a daily basis when we were growing up. That became the 'norm'. So the basis of what is 'normal' behaviour around food has been engrained that 'secret eating' is an acceptable thing to do... "My dad does it, so why can't I?" my subconscious likes to make this statement quite often. I KNOW what is normal, but then there is what feels "normal" because I've learned it from someone very important. Knowing Vs. Learning.

It's something I have to rationalise. Another thing, I'm not sure I can justify paying £54 if I'm not able to follow the plan of LL Lite 100%. But, I also can't do the diet as it's supposed to be done. I just can't do it anymore, it makes me feel terrible, lethargic and behave awfully to everyone around me because I have no energy to be nice. Sounds strange, but I'm just so short tempered and tired all the time. I'm in the dieting 'zone' as it were, I count calories fine and I have no intention to eat anything "bad" because I've forgotten what it tastes like. I feel that I've lost some weight, so whatever it is I'm doing CAN work (rather than it feeling like a futile exercise). The reason I went back to Lite was to wean me off the 'bad' foods and have the respect and appreciation for what 'calories' are again. I had forgotten the value of 'energy in - energy out', but I care about it again. I've remembered what it means, to balance one day's excesses with another day's deficits.

I'm wondering how I can still have an 'official' weekly weigh-in without having to pay a lot of money I don't feel I have... The weekly WI really keeps me on the straight and narrow because it's ritualistic and doesn't let me get out of control. That's the Number 1 thing I needed. A weekly time-frame. I only ever diet for a week at a time! It's better than thinking about it in the terms of months, it's more manageable if it's just 7 days at a time. Not sure why, I can't weigh myself, I guess because I let myself off too easily, I don't have enough respect for myself to hold myself accountable. I was thinking Weight Watchers, but what is a 'Weigh-In only' meeting? What is the point of only going to get weighed? ...That doesn't sound quite right to be honest...


In other news... I'm quite worried about Splenda. She's such an inspiration to us all, I wish her well. Any illness really puts into perspective how fragile we all are and that there are far more important things to worry about than all of what I've been talking about above. Her and her family are in my thoughts. x

 

[Size 16 Will Do]

Hiya Minerva

You are doing so well it's a shame you are struggling. I haven't even started the diet yet so can't give you any advice.

Regards the weigh in's there are plenty of other options. But you wouldn't be able to use the LL products if you went somewhere else. I know boots do Tony Ferguson which is meal replaceement and you get weighed by the pharmacist. Or if the cost is the main issue cambridge diet is cheaper but you don't get the support that you get from your LL group which is what I am looking for.

I haven't yet had chance to read all of your diary I've only read the last page but will catch up on it.

Chin up and hope you are ok today x x

 

[Minerva]

Hey Size16WillDo
I'd say the counselling aspect is extremely important, and since you're at the beginning of your journey, I'd say it's mandatory! Over the last few years I've learned so much from the LL counsellors and the CBT they offer. However, at this point, I feel I am no longer learning anything new from the classes. I know everything they are saying - and many of their suggestions and 'lightbulb moments' - I already am aware of and quite often am implementing on a daily basis.

I do realise my journal isn't the best example of my knowledge, but I spill out a lot of anger here, much of the times my failures aren't anywhere near as bad as I write them down to be. Right now, for example, I feel like a failure simply because I'm nicely satisfied and a little full after my dinner and coffee - but I view this 'satiety of the stomach' as a bad thing. As if the only 'success' is to be starving and able to resist everything. I feel as if I've failed because I hit the 800-calorie mark on the spot, insead of trying to aim for some stupid ridiculous number far below it. I have to fight some compulsion which tells me to hide my protein portion while my partner isn't looking - so that I could take it off the daily total. I know that isn't healthy, so despite my feelings of absolute 'failing to starve myself', I ate my fish quite happily. I don't want to go down that path.
I feel if I was doing the Lite thing properly, I would be going down towards where I don't want to be mentally again. I don't want to be scared of coming off the packs at the end of the dieting again, I know I can lose weight without them - which is pretty much what I've been doing. I am confident in my calorie counting - I just needed a push to get into the habit of measuring/weighing everything again.

I am considering doing Rosemary Conley - which includes a weigh-in and an exercise class! Sounds rather interesting. I'll still be doing the same thing food wise as I am now, eating the same thing, but the cost will be about £6 per week instead of £54, including 45 minutes of jumping around like a lunatic. Sounds a little more where I want to aim towards for maintenance purposes and a long-term aid to keep the weight down. Plus, my partner's mum may join me as she is struggling to lose weight too after her various operations. It's something I will be thinking about over the next couple of weeks.

 

[HannahNewton]

I know what you mean about Lite Minerva. It is £54 per week but that includes 3/4 of your food. I think Lite is more expensive than total, as we have to buy protein and vegetables, dairy and oil. I also feel a lot less supported on lite than I did on total.

All that said, I also feel one step closer to the world of food as I have to plan, make and eat a meal every day. Which I think is teaching me skills I need to maintain after packs. I'm currently experimenting with 2 packs and 2 lite meals. I don't count calories but do eat off a smaller plate.

I know that eating protein helps protect our lean tissues and organs as we lose weight. The aim is to lose fat not just "weight"! Try viewing your protein portion as metabolic food that helps you lose fat!?! It also takes longer to digest than the vegetables so gives you a feeling of satiety for longer.

That feeling of satiety is a good thing as It will help alleviate the desire to pick or binge. It may feel unfamiliar for now so welcome it as a weight loss & maintenance friend.

There are lots of cheaper ways to lose weight than LL. I had considered switching too. But have decided to stay for another 4 weeks at least. I like the support I get, the discipline of being weighed and being able to experiment with reintroduction of food in a safe place. With feed back from my LLC and group.

Have a great day in the sunshine - I'm sure there are some lovely lite veg you can grow for your summer meals. I'm putting my courgettes in the front garden as I have a dog I let loose in the back !! xx

 

[Minerva]

May 4th.
A man of 76 years old leapt to his death at Clapham Junction this morning... And all anyone was concerned about, was the fact that they will be held up, they will be late, there will be traffic and delays...

Is life so insignificant?


And at this point, I wonder, does anything truly matter? At the core of it, you sitting there reading this... does this matter? Does my life matter at all? All these things we do, get up every day, eat our breakfast, make some decision about whether to take the car or train to work... The number of steps we take on a daily basis, the fact that we smiled at a stranger... The change we didn't give to the homeless man, holding it tightly in our pocket so that it doesn't 'clink' as we walk... The water we 'saved' by turning the tap off while we brush our teeth... And then, those moments we chose not to sit down with someone we love because something else mattered more. ...and before you know it, they may be gone. The action over, lost to the insignificant sands of time, while the loved one... is no longer here.


Nothing you do matters. Not to you, not to anyone. You are not special, unique or deserving of anything. Time goes on with or without you. Make it count.

 

[LadyT]

Wow very deep Min not sure I could really articulate a good enough response for you Hun xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

 

[Iveabigask]

Min, I mean this in the nicest possible way but I worry for you. Life is what you make it and nobody knows anyone else's circumstances or what lead that poor man to decide to do that.
Sorry for your day

Ask xx

 

[Minerva]

This didn't require an answer... There is no response. I guess, I was merely attempting to highlight the fragility of life around us and the relationships we take for granted. But, I forget... get caught up in moments that are meaningless. I think I'm more important when I am not. People are suffering everywhere, even on these forums I read journals of people going through immense tribulations, facing such immense mountains ahead... and then I am wallowing in pathetic tantrums.

I guess I'm trying to find a way to make myself a better person, to understand how to be less selfish and be kinder and more appreciative of the life I possess. I have everything to be thankful for and no right to let the decay set in... but yet, the rot takes away inside. I wish I could cleanse it somehow..



I close my eyes and the wind howls inside my head. Trees sway and the storm is coming. A dark, moody sky hangs above, swirling patterns twist and turn choking out rays of sun. My heart feels heavy; it's sinking and I can't breathe. I descend. The tall grass swallows me up. ...I open my eyes and I am still here. I cannot afford to get lost within. Snap myself awake. Pinch. Choke. Float away.



No one sees this side of me anyway. You're right. Life is what you make of it. Life is so much more important than the size we are, than the useless objects we buy, than what we wear, than the things we eat... Yet some outside force feels compelled to dictate to us what we should be like, what we should covet, what we should look like... And for what? Some induced illusion of happiness. A moment of pleasure being chased forever because it's unsustainable. That cake? Gone. That new dress? Ripped. That new eye-shadow? Smudged. Chasing the next 'fix', chasing unattainable euphoria.


Happiness is finding peace within yourself. Being happy and comfortable with who you are. Not being swayed by subjective opinion. Having the confidence to defend what you believe and having the strength to say 'thank you' to everyone and everything that has made you the person you are today.
Perhaps have a think about someone, anyone who has helped you a long time ago. Appreciate what they did for you and if you still have the chance, thank them.

 

[Spanglymum]

Minerva, I know you say you're not depressive/depressed, but are you sure? You sound like you have a very bleak view of the world at the moment. I have suffered with major depression several times in my life and only when I got help and started to recover could I see quite how bad it had been. The futility, the lethargy, the world-weary exhaustion and despair.

I'm not telling you you are depressed - only you can decide - but life really can be full of joy and hope and happiness you know, and I hope you can find that somehow.

Xxx

 

[MagdaX]

All of those things you mentioned matter. Life matters. We matter. So do you! We all have our crosses to carry but guess some of us are just more positive than others.

I have to say I agree with Spangly here.

I hope you're ok hun xxx

Sent from my iPhone 4 using MiniMins

 

[Minerva]

Depression is a strange state of mind. I may have it, but, I choose to be this way. I had interventions in the past with psychiatrists at the Priory and NHS, counsellors, pills... I reject it. I don't want it. The pills were awful. I took myself off them because they either induced a mild uncontrollable euphoria (Prozac) or made me an emotionless zombie (Venlafaxine). The problem with them was that I could still feel myself decaying inside, but I was no longer able to touch it. Was a little bit like sliding on a frozen lake with monsters and rotten flesh scratching at the ice from underneath. I could see it all, know I was there, but at a strange and unpredictable distance.

I choose to go on as best as I can. I somehow get up every morning and paint plastic smiles on my face - because life doesn't wait. As long as I function - how I feel or what I think about doesn't matter. I don't want to give myself excuses or labels of 'depressive' - that is dangerous in itself.


I suppose in some ways, I may appreciate not being told I need to seek a bit of help. I've been told to "lighten up" all my life. I believe I have the right to express what I want in this little corner. I don't write here for effect. I write to let off my own steam, to let go of some dreadful emotion. I don't want sympathy, because I do this for myself. It sets the feeling free.


Writing helps. Better than bottling it all up, no?

--

Either way, I had a fairly nice day, went shopping with my stepmum and sister in Kingston. They somehow convinced me to buy something I wouldn't even look at twice normally!... It looks nice though. Just goes to show, that it's sometimes nice to try things that we think are absolutely unsuitable...!
Unfortunately they didn't have a size 12 and had to buy a size 10 instead. It's a bit of a tight squeeze, but it does zip up! A few more lbs and it'll fit nicely. Hopefully there won't be too many more days like yesterday on the cards... Something came over me and I just couldn't stop eating... Still, just the vegetables and meat - but alot of it, totaling 1400 calories - way over the 800 calorie mark... Oh well. Today's a new day, been doing better today, and 4 hours of walking has to count for something!

From Wallis:

 

[MagdaX]

You're on a public forum dear so when you write something and participate in other people's discussions and diaries you should expect comments and opinions. No offence but this is world wide web and I find it slightly hypocritical of you to turn around and throw our support and encouragement (because that's what it's been from day 1) back in our face.
I have suffered from depression myself so were many of my friends on this forum so believe it or not we know what it feels like and can sympathise.
You're obviously have a lot of anger inside and want to be left alone. That's cool.
Wishing you all the best as you deserve only the best.
I have made a decision to try and remove chronically negative people out of my life because their energy sucks the life out of me.
Funny how that still can affect me through a computer screen...

Take care of yourself.

Sent from my iPhone 4 using MiniMins

 

[Minerva]

I didn't mean to offend you... I didn't mean my comment to come from a bad place, I do appreciate the concern.

Sometimes I don't know how to express myself well enough. ... I come across as brash and emotionless. I am sorry.