Minerva's on a mission!!
- Thread starter Minerva
- Start date
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Hey Min 
I was just going to post a "where's Min" thread, and there you are! Cool!
But I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Man, I was too!!! I totally get ya. I don;t know if yo have seen any of my recent posts, but I finally had to face the fact that I was spiraling out of control. I just reached a serious breaking point, and like you I was battling with carbs and they generally won - and I was just letting them. They are so freakin addictive when you let your guard and tools down.
So - after much heavy thought and contemplation, and some good heart to hearts with SB - I realised that through greif and family breakdown, and massive losses - I lost all of my coping skills. THe few short attempts I made at LL were futile because my heart wasnt in it. I said I would never abstain again.
Then after a few months of falling in to a really addictive cycle, SB suggested REALLY getting back on LL - going back as a new starter and relearning CBT. And something clicked, and I realised - thats the key. I had lost the skills, and needed to relearn them.
So that is what I am doing. And now - my headspace is in a much better place to commit to this - and I dont have all that awful business of moms matters to distract me. And I KNOW in every fibre, that this is the right time and I will complete it and be back where I was. No messing around this time - it feels completely different. There is not an ounce of doubt that I wont complete this the same way I did the first time - complete and total 100% adherence to the plan.
Sorry this is long winded - but I know you too went through a lot, and are also still in the 'last stages' of greif (theoretically)....so do not be hard on yourself. You may be being affected still by the upset. ITs understnadable. And its hard work - gettin back in the saddle after such emotional pain.
I hope you can find a solution to work for you - you worked so hard and learned and grew so much through the process - it would be a shame for you to undo all the hardwork, just as I realised it was a shame I was on the way to doing just that.
Would you consider something like restarting? Couldyou?
Wishing you lots of luck either way.
xxx
I was just going to post a "where's Min" thread, and there you are! Cool!But I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Man, I was too!!! I totally get ya. I don;t know if yo have seen any of my recent posts, but I finally had to face the fact that I was spiraling out of control. I just reached a serious breaking point, and like you I was battling with carbs and they generally won - and I was just letting them. They are so freakin addictive when you let your guard and tools down.
So - after much heavy thought and contemplation, and some good heart to hearts with SB - I realised that through greif and family breakdown, and massive losses - I lost all of my coping skills. THe few short attempts I made at LL were futile because my heart wasnt in it. I said I would never abstain again.
Then after a few months of falling in to a really addictive cycle, SB suggested REALLY getting back on LL - going back as a new starter and relearning CBT. And something clicked, and I realised - thats the key. I had lost the skills, and needed to relearn them.
So that is what I am doing. And now - my headspace is in a much better place to commit to this - and I dont have all that awful business of moms matters to distract me. And I KNOW in every fibre, that this is the right time and I will complete it and be back where I was. No messing around this time - it feels completely different. There is not an ounce of doubt that I wont complete this the same way I did the first time - complete and total 100% adherence to the plan.
Sorry this is long winded - but I know you too went through a lot, and are also still in the 'last stages' of greif (theoretically)....so do not be hard on yourself. You may be being affected still by the upset. ITs understnadable. And its hard work - gettin back in the saddle after such emotional pain.
I hope you can find a solution to work for you - you worked so hard and learned and grew so much through the process - it would be a shame for you to undo all the hardwork, just as I realised it was a shame I was on the way to doing just that.
Would you consider something like restarting? Couldyou?
Wishing you lots of luck either way.
xxx
daisydoll
Gold Member
Hi there Minerva
How are things with you?
Similar to BL I decided to go back properly after months of dabbling with other stuff - so started class on Tuesday
It feel a relief to be back on packs but i know I have to sort out the 'after' before I get there this time!
Hope you are doing OK
Daisy x
How are things with you?
Similar to BL I decided to go back properly after months of dabbling with other stuff - so started class on Tuesday
It feel a relief to be back on packs but i know I have to sort out the 'after' before I get there this time!
Hope you are doing OK
Daisy x
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
I reread something I wrote in March :
LL, really has messed with my head - these binges and sugar addiction are really hard to shake. I feel completely dependant and addicted to carbohydrates. ... But, I know it's a problem.
I think I'll come back here... I'm not doing Lighter Life, but... these diaries do help. I do prefer people not to comment, not sure why. I don't like the pressure of having to respond to comments, I do appreciate them, but ... I don't need them.
Quote of the day:
LL, really has messed with my head - these binges and sugar addiction are really hard to shake. I feel completely dependant and addicted to carbohydrates. ... But, I know it's a problem.
I think I'll come back here... I'm not doing Lighter Life, but... these diaries do help. I do prefer people not to comment, not sure why. I don't like the pressure of having to respond to comments, I do appreciate them, but ... I don't need them.
Quote of the day:
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
Lord, give me strength. I need it.
Lord, give me strength. I need it.
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Errhh... So. Hello. *rises from the chair* My name is Minerva, and I'm a food-aholic. ... I've come back after all this time to finally do what I meant to all along ever since I fell down.
For those who I have known in my years on the forum - Hi! For the new LL'ers - welcome to my journal! ... I think.
I was going to make a new username because of the shame of coming back to it all, but then I thought screw it - what does it matter. We learn from our mistakes, do we not, and I'll face up to this one.
I lost weight successfully on LL (11stone!) and re-gained a large chunk due to inability to cope with family loss. But hey - there are positives. I haven't regained all of it - and I've actually maintained the same weight for the last year and a half or so. So, we're getting there.
Either way. I thought I'd give this LL thing another shot, I actually feel emotionally ready. The head's in the right place and so is the heart - which I've found out is actually the most important thing. And I'm doing the first month of abstinence with my other half (which is a huge help. And no, I didn't force it upon him - didn't even have to ask!) - he's a bit of a food lover too.
Right, so good luck to me and the rest of you lot doing this rollercoaster of a diet! Let's stick with it!
Day 1 - nearly done. Woot!
Disclaimer - I mostly wrote this below for me... to try to work things out. I'm still trying to work through what happened, as emotions and triggers are such complex things.
Read if you want, or skip!
Well... so here's a bit about me... I've always been big even when I was little... Since about 12 years of age developed severe depression, been on medication - but it did more harm than good. Met my OH in 2005 and with him (he's my happiness) balanced with depressive periods, somehow I managed to get up to 18st 7. ...so, desperate, fat, and terrified of going outside for being called names by white van drivers (!) - I went on Lighter Life in 2008. I lost 7 stone that year, and even though I hadn't reached my target I had to come off because ketosis and 10 months on the diet made me feel very ill. From then on it's been a bit of a car crash. In December that year I lost my Russian granny and that left me absolutely devastated. My grandparents (all 4 of them) were more like parents, as my dad was never around much and my mum died when I was 4.
That death triggered something bad, I wanted to start comfort eating, I was smoking more than I had been before. Went to 20 a day! ... Then, in February 2009 (2 months after granny's death) - I decided to go back on Lighter Life and lose the rest. I quit smoking at the same time (now a non-smoker! With no grief relieving vices, I internalised everything. Lighter Life eventually became everything, food restriction equalled emotion restriction. I felt that I could control at least something in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart around me. With Lighter Life I lost a further 2 stone. I came off, but calorie restriction didn't end, I lost another 2 stone - as my grief remained, unresolved. Eventually I reached BMI 18.
I became extremely withdrawn and aggressive. Snappy. Stressed to the point that I would get small panic attacks over the smallest things. I was doing my Masters in Criminology at the same time - so I spent nearly every waking moment reading, studying, not eating, ignoring my partner, avoiding any fun at all. It was all punishment. For what? I'm not sure.
In March 2010, the Russian granddad died - at the same time as my OH and I were buying a house and moving. ... In all honesty, I don't remember much of those few months. It was all within 2 months - mental breakdown. I couldn't do it. Stress from Masters, moving, another death triggering flood from the first one, plus food restriction to an obsessive level (I counted and recounted EVERYTHING)... it was too much. I crashed into food. I ate early morning until late at night just to 'deal' with life. I got through University, got through moving of house - all with the demands of compulsary routines of the every day. I didn't cry once. I just blanked out with food to have enough energy for it all.
I developed a severe compulsion, binge eating disorder. It came to a point that I couldn't function unless I was eating. If I wasn't eating - MY WORLD WOULD COLLAPSE, I was sure of it. I would go to every shop, buy small amounts in each one then go home and eat all of it. Some days would easily by 5000 calories or more. This was nearly every day. I would eat, be sick, eat again. Bloated, constant pain. All in secret, people were wondering how I was putting on so much weight after being so skeletal. A desperate frenzy and panic all the time.
It took me from 2010 until now to fix that mentality. Those looks people gave me when they saw me first time after size 8 in a size 18 within the space of a few months... Wide eyed look of disbelief and shock. Awful. It still haunts me. In that period I tried going back to dieting, failed attempts every time. I wasn't ready. Every attempt did more damage.
But... it's done now. 2013 is different. I'm ready to get on with my life, I'm ready to do it right. I've managed to maintain my weight at about 15 stone all of 2012 and finished off the few remaining binge eating demons. They are inside, but I know not to let them out now.
Hello. *rises from the chair* My name is Minerva, and I'm a food-aholic. ... I've come back after all this time to finally do what I meant to all along ever since I fell down.For those who I have known in my years on the forum - Hi! For the new LL'ers - welcome to my journal! ... I think.
I was going to make a new username because of the shame of coming back to it all, but then I thought screw it - what does it matter. We learn from our mistakes, do we not, and I'll face up to this one.
I lost weight successfully on LL (11stone!) and re-gained a large chunk due to inability to cope with family loss. But hey - there are positives. I haven't regained all of it - and I've actually maintained the same weight for the last year and a half or so. So, we're getting there.
Either way. I thought I'd give this LL thing another shot, I actually feel emotionally ready. The head's in the right place and so is the heart - which I've found out is actually the most important thing. And I'm doing the first month of abstinence with my other half (which is a huge help. And no, I didn't force it upon him - didn't even have to ask!) - he's a bit of a food lover too.
Right, so good luck to me and the rest of you lot doing this rollercoaster of a diet! Let's stick with it!
Day 1 - nearly done. Woot!
Disclaimer - I mostly wrote this below for me... to try to work things out. I'm still trying to work through what happened, as emotions and triggers are such complex things.
Well... so here's a bit about me... I've always been big even when I was little... Since about 12 years of age developed severe depression, been on medication - but it did more harm than good. Met my OH in 2005 and with him (he's my happiness) balanced with depressive periods, somehow I managed to get up to 18st 7. ...so, desperate, fat, and terrified of going outside for being called names by white van drivers (!) - I went on Lighter Life in 2008. I lost 7 stone that year, and even though I hadn't reached my target I had to come off because ketosis and 10 months on the diet made me feel very ill. From then on it's been a bit of a car crash. In December that year I lost my Russian granny and that left me absolutely devastated. My grandparents (all 4 of them) were more like parents, as my dad was never around much and my mum died when I was 4.
That death triggered something bad, I wanted to start comfort eating, I was smoking more than I had been before. Went to 20 a day! ... Then, in February 2009 (2 months after granny's death) - I decided to go back on Lighter Life and lose the rest. I quit smoking at the same time (now a non-smoker! With no grief relieving vices, I internalised everything. Lighter Life eventually became everything, food restriction equalled emotion restriction. I felt that I could control at least something in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart around me. With Lighter Life I lost a further 2 stone. I came off, but calorie restriction didn't end, I lost another 2 stone - as my grief remained, unresolved. Eventually I reached BMI 18.
I became extremely withdrawn and aggressive. Snappy. Stressed to the point that I would get small panic attacks over the smallest things. I was doing my Masters in Criminology at the same time - so I spent nearly every waking moment reading, studying, not eating, ignoring my partner, avoiding any fun at all. It was all punishment. For what? I'm not sure.
In March 2010, the Russian granddad died - at the same time as my OH and I were buying a house and moving. ... In all honesty, I don't remember much of those few months. It was all within 2 months - mental breakdown. I couldn't do it. Stress from Masters, moving, another death triggering flood from the first one, plus food restriction to an obsessive level (I counted and recounted EVERYTHING)... it was too much. I crashed into food. I ate early morning until late at night just to 'deal' with life. I got through University, got through moving of house - all with the demands of compulsary routines of the every day. I didn't cry once. I just blanked out with food to have enough energy for it all.
I developed a severe compulsion, binge eating disorder. It came to a point that I couldn't function unless I was eating. If I wasn't eating - MY WORLD WOULD COLLAPSE, I was sure of it. I would go to every shop, buy small amounts in each one then go home and eat all of it. Some days would easily by 5000 calories or more. This was nearly every day. I would eat, be sick, eat again. Bloated, constant pain. All in secret, people were wondering how I was putting on so much weight after being so skeletal. A desperate frenzy and panic all the time.
It took me from 2010 until now to fix that mentality. Those looks people gave me when they saw me first time after size 8 in a size 18 within the space of a few months... Wide eyed look of disbelief and shock. Awful. It still haunts me. In that period I tried going back to dieting, failed attempts every time. I wasn't ready. Every attempt did more damage.
But... it's done now. 2013 is different. I'm ready to get on with my life, I'm ready to do it right. I've managed to maintain my weight at about 15 stone all of 2012 and finished off the few remaining binge eating demons. They are inside, but I know not to let them out now.
Last edited:
X~Libby~X
Full Member
Hi Minerva, I remember you from last time I was here back in '09. I was fairly quiet then so you probably don't remember me but welcome back.
I too am restarting, my first meeting is on Jan 6th and I am all too ready to get going. I know what you mean about your head being in a better place and I agree that your heart has to be well and truly in it.
There is no shame in returning. The way I look at it is I can use my experience from last time I went off it to succeed this time round, and I know so much more about myself and my habits now so I feel I've got a little bit of a head start.
Wishing you all the best. You know you can do it!
X
I too am restarting, my first meeting is on Jan 6th and I am all too ready to get going. I know what you mean about your head being in a better place and I agree that your heart has to be well and truly in it.
There is no shame in returning. The way I look at it is I can use my experience from last time I went off it to succeed this time round, and I know so much more about myself and my habits now so I feel I've got a little bit of a head start.
Wishing you all the best. You know you can do it!
X
X~Libby~X
Full Member
Yeah I'm cutting down on carbs and trying to have smaller portions and also trying to drink the required amount of water.
I was lucky last time I did LL as I didn't suffer at all, not even the hint of a headache. Not expecting it to be as easy this time (although it would be lovely if it was!) but I've got life a bit more on my side this time.
Have you started groups again yet?
X
I was lucky last time I did LL as I didn't suffer at all, not even the hint of a headache. Not expecting it to be as easy this time (although it would be lovely if it was!) but I've got life a bit more on my side this time.
Have you started groups again yet?
X
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
I'm glad you are feeling more confident, I had a look at the start of your re-start blog - a terrible time you went through Well done for pulling yourself out, it's such an achievement. Not everyone *can* get out of that sort of rut, you are a very strong person *hug*
As for groups - I'll think about it about attending them, but I don't find them that useful. About half the material I find doesn't work for me personally and groups are almost always ruined by a person trying to hog the whole meeting talking about "ME, ME oh.. and ME!!!!". That really gets my goat. That one person that doesn't let anyone else talk!
Oh well. I have my other half doing this hard bit with me for the first month, it's always harder when I'm at home!
Well done for pulling yourself out, it's such an achievement. Not everyone *can* get out of that sort of rut, you are a very strong person *hug*As for groups - I'll think about it about attending them, but I don't find them that useful. About half the material I find doesn't work for me personally and groups are almost always ruined by a person trying to hog the whole meeting talking about "ME, ME oh.. and ME!!!!". That really gets my goat. That one person that doesn't let anyone else talk!
Oh well.
I have my other half doing this hard bit with me for the first month, it's always harder when I'm at home! 
Tilleymonster
Full Member
Hi Minerva! I'm back too and for similar reasons I gained more thAn I lost, the fact youre already sorting things speaks volumes, good on ya lass! Looking forward to following you back down xx
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Thank you Tilley, good luck with your journey, I know we'll get there!
---
Day 3 today - still feeling good, the hunger is nipping at the heels, but I know it'll settle down after a while. Probably the hardest thing is missing the filling meal in the evening, my partner and I would always look forward to dinner - it was never anything terribly unhealthy, just too much in one sitting.
I mean, if anything, we did learn from our first round of LLT. We'd permanently made some changes, but not all the changes we needed to make. The sweetner for coffee stayed, no snacks in the house, no snacking between meals... I think when we slim down we won't be too bad, just need to watch the portion sizes really. It does add up!
---
Day 3 today - still feeling good, the hunger is nipping at the heels, but I know it'll settle down after a while. Probably the hardest thing is missing the filling meal in the evening, my partner and I would always look forward to dinner - it was never anything terribly unhealthy, just too much in one sitting.
I mean, if anything, we did learn from our first round of LLT. We'd permanently made some changes, but not all the changes we needed to make. The sweetner for coffee stayed, no snacks in the house, no snacking between meals... I think when we slim down we won't be too bad, just need to watch the portion sizes really. It does add up!
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 4 over with... Been feeling very light-headed today, floating almost ... Don't like it. On top of it TOTM - some small pains which is highly unusual for me, I never usually get any pain at all.
At least my partner and I went for a walk today which was nice, even if it was just scouting around in desperation for a present for his mum.
Just got to take it one day at a time and not think about how long this will take me... urgh.
At least my partner and I went for a walk today which was nice, even if it was just scouting around in desperation for a present for his mum.
Just got to take it one day at a time and not think about how long this will take me... urgh.
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Day 7 today, still going strong! Off to first day back at University ... urgh, I wish I could have another day!
Things are falling back into place, hunger is not so sharp anymore, though of course there are days when it just doesn't go away...! The bitter disappointment of the loss of evening meal has also faded. All's good... Now to get on with my day... trains to catch.. essays to write... *rolls off to the distance*
Things are falling back into place, hunger is not so sharp anymore, though of course there are days when it just doesn't go away...! The bitter disappointment of the loss of evening meal has also faded. All's good... Now to get on with my day... trains to catch.. essays to write... *rolls off to the distance*
Tilleymonster
Full Member
'bitter disappointment' re evening meals is spot on. In fact, I think getting my head around that change to routine, so deeply ingrained, is the hardest hurdle for me. Hope you had a good day 7, second week commences soon x
Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
Aww thank you Tilley - I saw you mentioned this point in your blog It's a bitter punch in the face in the first few days - having some awful powder for dinner, but hey... it's not forever! Remember what you're trying to achieve. No - not the weight loss! We're reprogramming our brains, the time away from food is useful.
I had allowed my portions to be too big, wanting too much, going for the unhealthy things... so, I'm treating it as a lesson. Time spent on packs actually will make food taste more flavoursome (sugar numbs our sense of taste) - and will make us appreciate smaller portions. So it's useful. ... but, don't get me wrong, sure feels like punishment at the moment!!
Well, Day 8 today. I am hating my course at University - why did I ever take it?? ... Been feeling like this for weeks now, actually since I started, but then I thought it was just nerves of starting something new and difficult that made me want to run for the hills. ... oh well, I'll slog it out, finish, try to pass. That's all I can do.
Just had my Porridge + 2 sweeteners. It's not so bad, but sometimes does taste quite chalky.
I didn't realise they'd changed the cranberry and peanut bars! No more yoghurt coating and no more peanutty sawdust. I like them - and am sharing them with my OH atm as he didn't order any from the LLC (the silly sausage) despite me telling him to! I don't mind though, what's mine, is his
It's a bitter punch in the face in the first few days - having some awful powder for dinner, but hey... it's not forever! Remember what you're trying to achieve. No - not the weight loss! We're reprogramming our brains, the time away from food is useful. I had allowed my portions to be too big, wanting too much, going for the unhealthy things... so, I'm treating it as a lesson. Time spent on packs actually will make food taste more flavoursome (sugar numbs our sense of taste) - and will make us appreciate smaller portions. So it's useful. ... but, don't get me wrong, sure feels like punishment at the moment!!
Well, Day 8 today. I am hating my course at University - why did I ever take it?? ... Been feeling like this for weeks now, actually since I started, but then I thought it was just nerves of starting something new and difficult that made me want to run for the hills. ... oh well, I'll slog it out, finish, try to pass. That's all I can do.
Just had my Porridge + 2 sweeteners. It's not so bad, but sometimes does taste quite chalky.
I didn't realise they'd changed the cranberry and peanut bars! No more yoghurt coating and no more peanutty sawdust. I like them - and am sharing them with my OH atm as he didn't order any from the LLC (the silly sausage) despite me telling him to! I don't mind though, what's mine, is his
Tilleymonster
Full Member
I was devastated by the loss of the yoghurt topping! It's definitely the small things on this plan! Had to mention your comment on evenings, it was a lightbulb for me and now you've voiced it I feel much better, I just have to get used to it and then will be cool and calm again!
Shame about your course hon, how crap :-( x
Shame about your course hon, how crap :-( x
carrieclaus
Gold Member
Just wanted to say welcome back, I loved reading your posts before as you always made so much sense to me. Good to see your determination is strong, hope you don't mind me following your progress? Xxx
