Moonlights' (temporary) Maintenance

[moonlights]

He said there was practically no chance on the nhs in my area and the wait could be up to 6 years. Am still going to try - wanted to get my BMI below 30 before trying officially, but I don't have 6 years to wait. Can't live like this much longer. It's not just a tummy tuck I'd need arms chest and thighs. I know he'll write the referral and that he thinks I should be able to have them done but getting approved by the nhs is a different story. I'm a higher risk patient too due to other issues so that will make them hesitate on approval. Just don't know what to do really, except jump off a cliff.

I've never had a good body. I wish had a time in my life I could look back on and think I looked great then. Weight gain kicked in as soon as I hit puberty (had severe hormone problems) so I've been overweight since I was 10. Have never gotten to just be normal, and it's all I've ever really wanted.

 

[sammy1]

OMG you really have been dealt a rough time, but you are an inspiration to all of us on here, ((hugs))

 

[Supersmileyme]

Yes, yes, yes, that's exactly it ML. A mind shift to somehow accept that you are allowed to love you, your body and all that you have achieved.

In my experience, men love a woman who is confident about herself, no matter her size. Like diem, I am fortunate enough to be married to a man whose love for me has never changed throughout my range of sizes.

Maybe we can help you somehow to love yourself for the wonderful, kind, loving, thoughtful woman that you are?

 

[moonlights]

It doesn't really matter where my mind goes while it's trapped in this body, I'm afraid. I think size 16-18 is fine! There are so many gorgeous people of all sizes, but when you've been a size 30 (as I have) and deflated to size 16 (as I am) I'm afraid you just look like a swamp monster. Or I do. I'd be fine - delighted - with a size 16 body if it looked like someone who had just got up to that weight rather than being on the way back down to it. Maybe there is someone who could like me as I am but I haven't met him in 30 years. I think its different with someone you've been with from the start.

It's alright - having a little sorry for myself day, no one else needs to feel sorry for me. Have done the therapy and nothing mental is going to work. Just need to figure out the surgery.

 

[ladyfelsham]

I sometimes have days when I think "Where did it all go so wrong? Why am I not happily married with kids?" - but I've gradually learned to accept that that it has been the choices I've made that decided which way my life was going.

I could have been more vigilant about my weight much earlier - but I am a lazy sod and that, combined with sticking my head in the sand, means I'm now that size 30 you used to be. I get over passionate and guilt ridden about lots of things, including my weight and my general self esteem - but am now trying not to beat myself up any more - because for me there's just no point. It's done, it's in the past and I'm now trying to do something about losing weight - so, slowly but surely I will get to a size where I feel fitter and more comfortable.

I also could have been married but they weren't the right people, and I chose not to stay with them - so it is my choice, and that makes me feel lots better.

And who knows, maybe Mr Right for both of us (one each, that is ) is just around the corner?

 

[stubbsey]

Glad you clarified the one each there i wouldnt like to see a blood bath... lol

you know i think we spend all our time covetting what we dont have, not enough money, not enough freedom, having a husband or kids etc we should just enjoy what we have. I split with my oh for about a year and a half, at the time i had a great time i found some fantastic friends, i had a social life, i had suitors banging my door down and i wasnt interested.. i could paint my walls what ever colour i wanted and hang on them what i wanted. i actually bought a row of hilda ogden ducks for my toilet becasue i knew steve hated them and it was my act of defiance. We got back together and those ducks are still there!! at the time i jealously guarded my freedom. i loved having the place to myself and the kids were so content we had no stress, i could have alcohol in the hosue and not worry that he would guzzle it... things are rarely perfect in a relationship, you just learn to rub along together as you get older lol

 

[moonlights]

Aaah can't reply to this without getting even more maudlin and self pitying, which is rubbish of me and I am aware I'm not the worst off person in the world by any means, so let's just sweep the subject under the rug.

It's just one of those days I think. Sawing man started sawing at 8am this morning and I finally snapped to the point of sobbing about it. But the good news is he's apparently finished now - I was worried he'd go on another week.

Cooked mushrooms in butter for lunch and I must have got it on my jumper as I now smell like a big fried mushroom.

 

[ladyfelsham]

But mushrooms cooked in butter is such a lovely smell!

And Tracy - loving the ducks story

 

[sammy1]

Years ago, when I was trying to impress boyfriend ( now husband) I made a casserole before I went to work...bad move, I smelt of cooking all day, not a great smell, can't remember what casserole was like, I just remember the smell.......

 

[moonlights]

Funnily enough I had casserole today too. That marks and sparks seafood one - nice enough but I shan't get it again I don't think, just prefer to cook my seafood individually.

Have felt awfully odd all day. Stomach doesn't seen to want food in it.

Meals today

Pancetta and mushrooms

Seafood casserole

Flax porridge, 1 tbsp peanut butter

Mfp: 25g carbs inc meds

 

[stubbsey]

The ducks rule! Lol

 

[Scrumbles]

How's it going today, ML? Hope you're feeling brighter than you were yesterday...at least Sawing Man has finally naffed off to annoy someone else! xxx

 

[moonlights]

It's going okay - stomach is still a tad uneasy and I have a headache that I don't think all the hoovering I've just done has helped with. Exhausted now.

And yes, no bloody sawing today, woohoo!

 

[sammy1]

Evening Ml, hope you are feeling better now and getting some sleep....is it the new meds?

 

[moonlights]

I think this whole 3 week bout of sleeplessness has been triggered by the last lot of new meds, which is good in a way as it must mean they're having some effect. (Although my anxiety levels have been through the roof and that doesnt help either). Then I had an injection and infusion on Friday, and I have a prescription to pick up in the next couple of days for yet more new meds. Then at the gastro the week after next to talk about new parental iron infusions... preferable to blood transfusions by far but can make me pretty sick. Will probably need more parental doses of other vits/mins too. I'll just have to roll with it and see how it goes.

Got to get my flu jab and book the dentist too!

Actually I usually get a letter about the flu jab - I get it free as I'm immuno compromised and so in an at risk group, but haven't had one this year. Will have to ask GP.

Food today:

Pork belly and celeriac chips with spring onion

Bite of duck breast


Mfp: 20g carbs inc meds

My stomach still feels weird but I just keep shoving things into it! Haven't actually had the salmon yet though so that might change.

*yes, scratch the salad my stomach is not up to fish. Maybe flax porridge later instead.

 

[moonlights]

Was just looking at a recipe website, not a low carb one a normal one. Clicked into a quiche recipe:

6 eggs
600ml double cream
250g cheddar
500g pastry block
250g crab

And more. Served four and worked out at nearly 2000 calories for one portion. Has definitely put me off ordering quiche in a restaurant if that's what goes into it.

I mean I eat loads of fat but 600ml double cream in one recipe? Blimey.

 

[stubbsey]

Too much cream ugh if i eat too much cream i feel very queezy all night and i cant whip it thick either ugh the toughtof it. Usedtolove that tnned sterilised cream hich i have not seen in the shops for years

 

[moonlights]

You can get the canned spray cream from most supermarkets if that's the kind you mean? Usually has sugar added though.

Well I fell asleep about 9pm, woke about 1am as stomach decided to abandon ship. Hm.

I haven't eaten anything odd, am being careful to take meds with meals so not sure what's unsettling it.

 

[Ange7367]

Did manage a Friday weigh in after all - although I only slept about 4 hrs.

11st 13lbs! I'm into a new stone!

Technically this is only 2lb in 2 weeks - though I did really expect a stall after that sudden 5lb drop - and my weight has been up and down by 1 or 2lbs all week so I'm glad it decided to settle here for weigh in.

Think my body has decided to make the last few lbs down to my first goal as tricky as possible to shake off - but I know I'm eating well, no cheats, my ratios look good, so I know I'm losing even when stalled. If that makes any sense.

If I've noticed any pattern it's that my bigger losses seem to come when eating more calories. I was eating around 1500-1600 a day when I had the last big loss, but my appetite has dropped and I've been at 1200-1400 the last two weeks. I'd try to eat more to test this but I'm sure my appetite will naturally fluctuate again soon.

I'm in the 11s! Seems so recently I was pleased to be in the 13s!

well dine moonlights ...think it may be like that with me ....find it hard to reach 1600 cals am sort of stuck with 1400 just don't like eating for the sake of it ....but in y head I'm thinking if I can reach 1600 my weight losses will be better not that I'm really complaining cos the weight is still going down on the scales xx

 

[Supersmileyme]

Well done ml, fabulous news. I hope to be joining you in the 11's myself on Saturday.