SOOOOO, I started rambling away on Angel's log, and thought i'd better ramble on my own log! haha.
So, today's ramble is on:
The availability of snack/crap food.
I mentioned that my CDC is convinced that the world has transpired to make us all fat. What with the snacks kicking about all over the place - at tills, at petrol stations - there is always an offer on cakes and chocolate.
If I was shopping on my own, I would...
- get a drink from the convenience section, and maybe a sandwich too - for the way home
- as I was doing my shopping, I would perhaps pick up some pork pies/sausage rolls - especially if there was some on offer/reduced - I am a sucker for the reduced section
- Probably get a pack of two cream cakes/cheesecake slices
- a pack of nuts is perfectly acceptable. Ooh, the value bag is bigger and better value than the small bag - i'll get that.
- Milkybar. Big one. Only £1. Rude not to!
Then, I would pay for my shopping, putting all of these things in a "things to eat on the way home" bag. And I would proceed to eat the sandwich/wrap (wraps are easier to eat whilst driving, and less likely to have bits fall out) then, I would open the cheesecake/cream cakes. Have one, maybe a sausage roll, some nuts, and leave the milkybar in the car for tomorrow. I probably would have finished the wrap and both pieces of cake before getting home and disposed of the rubbish in the recycling bin hastily before I entered the house. I would be so excited because getting in the car the following morning, there would be chocolate and nuts/treats waiting for me, all that would either be eaten on the way to work, or at least finished on the way home that day.
Oh, and don't think that this binging wouldn't have meant I would have no dinner, because i would of course go home and eat the larger of the two portions I would have plated up for supper.
A regular occurrance. Really. I have always been a secret eater. I mean, I used to buy my lunch for work, along with an extra snack - pasty, crisps, cake - to eat on the way to work, then pull into a layby before I got to work to eat it!
Also, so - after my first weigh in from CDC, which was Saturday, I decided to start the Monday. This was in part because on the Friday, I bought a reduced bag of sausage rolls and mini scotch eggs and two pork pies, and l had eaten some of them on Friday night, before going home and having dinner, and wanted to eat them all on Saturday. I actually only ate some of them - they were not worth it, as were all dry, so I finished the chocolate bar I had bought instead.
I also, if I was on my own, go and buy a sandwich/salad for lunch, and an extra wrap/ sushi to eat in the car. The office is 5 minutes tops away from work, and I can eat a whole wrap before pulling in to the office carpark.
Petrol stations are even worse. I like to buy a selection of snacks so it looks like i'm buying them for not just me. I also used to have a standing "routine" with the sales staff in one petrol station that sold this cheap, not even that nice, but cheap, chocolate. It was 50p for a large bar (remember, the world is transpiring to make us fat?!) and I would buy 4 bars and say - you know, this chocolate is great to cook with! It was, but it was better to eat in the car!
Evenings were bad times for me too - if OH went to bed, the kitchen was fair game. And if OH went out!! I am a dab hand at being able to make a microwave chocolate cake, a quick ganache (chocolate and double cream) and toffee sauce to coat popcorn with.
If nobody can see me eat it, then it doesn't exist. The feeling of self loathing afterwards is my own fault, but I wouldn't dare tell anyone about the sneaky eating...
All of this is really ridiculous and un-necessary behaviour - this was all in addition to what I was eating "normally" which explains why and how I got to be as big as I was. On paper, I eat well, I am careful...in secret - I was not. It is quite cathartic to put it all down, and i'm sure i'm not alone being doing this secret eating. I have realised in doing this diet that snacks are not needed at all. All of these secret "treats" are not doing me any favours, and I am only kidding myself in the long run.
I have found this great strength from doing this diet. Like the whole pizza hut thing the other day. I would have felt like i'd missed out on a treat before - being good-ish on the face of things, but, like I mentioned, eating the takeaway pizza when I got home. This time, I felt that actually, I wasn't hungry for it, and actually, I didn't want it. Yes, that cheesey pepperoni mass looked great but the thought of those old habits! I CAN resist now, and I should be able to resist in the future too. I don't need to get excited about secret eating - I don't need to do it at all!
When I can eat again - on the steps, and in maintenance, it will be a shared experience with others - it won't be a hidden thing, it will be a pleasure. Treats will be treats that are shared and enjoyed, but with my eye on the goal - to have it as a treat and not as a mainstay.
This has been an epic ramble of me blurting out "secrets" - I just want to have this down to look back on. I don't want to think of myself as getting into those old habits - in fact, eating in the car is something that is "banned" post CWP and during. Plus, it makes a bloody mess!
xx