totally not CD related...but i just need to get it off my chest.
morning.
sometimes i wish i had kept track of how many days i've been on CD/SS...i think i'm even losing track of what week i'm on. perhaps i will find the time and find a calendar and start counting. i'm pretty sure its week 8 i've just started. but i will find out for sure later. maybe.
well, what a downer everything has become. and i apologize in advance if this is depressing for anyone. its not my intention to bring anyone down from their wonderful highs of CD, etc. i'm doing very well on SS this week. no nibbling over last 3 days. plenty of water. all is good with that.
however, the issue lays with the marriage. i dont know whats going on or how it started. oh wait, i do know how it started. i was just having ac onversation yesterday morning with the hubby, he was getting ready for work..i was ironing his work shirt. i mentioned something about ((sorry if this is tmi)) us starting to have "sleeper sex" ...((thats what i call it when we wake to it in the middle of the night lol)) ...but that we didnt, because the baby started crying and fussying. etc. soooo, next thing i knew, he starts going on and on and on about how its all a big joke to me, and that i make him out to be a sex-pest ((uhhh, what did i say?!?!? those arent my words OR thoughts about my own husband!!)) anyways, of course, he spat these negative words at me and then walked out the door, leaving for work...attack and leave before defense can make a statement.
well, later on that afternoon, we started chatting via Instant message, he was still at work, i was here at home. and he mustve had alll day to stew about what the problem was or whats been bugging him...
long story cut short,,,he says i dont respect him, that i have to be forced to show him affection or be intimate or anything. also that i dont respect him and that "in my eyes, dave is just a paycheck, roof over my head, and a uk greencard/visa". :sigh: :raincloud:
i feel insulted and sooo sooo sad that those words were even in his mind, that they came out of his mouth. and he's a very very clever man so he knows alll too well how to turn arguments and issues around to his favour. everytime i offered a solution or a suggestion on how we could/should both work on this, EVERY SINGLE reply from him was negative. not willing to hope that it would work. nothing positive. his reply was always: "why try? it will only last 3 days...". (the changes or new routines, he means))
stubborn. all so "woe-is-me & pity party" about everything. he has to want it to work. he came home last night maybe half ten. just said hello. and that was it. during the night, when i woke, he was as far away from me on the bed as he could get without falling off...so that he wouldnt or couldnt be touched. i still managed to cuddle him while he slept...but without the usual cuddling back.
it wasnt like the the day before. i hope he cools down. i've always fellt that he is no less than my soul mate, love of my life. if i am at fault here, i want to fix it. but i think its both of us to be honest. i'm terrified that he will leave. 7 years marriage. 10 month old baby.
i dont know what to do or say that i havent already. i've been divorced before. and i fear that i know this feeling, this horrible negative vibe between us all too well. terrified. my heart is aching....
:raincloud:
atback:
((((sorry to have put such heavy drama here in my diary...but all my friends and family are 5000+ miles away and 8 hours behind. just couldnt wait any longer to talk about this.)))
i hope ((oh do i ever)) that that this cools over. repair. rebuilds. mends. soon.