RD's life diary: I'm back (sort of)

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

So pleased you bagged yourself some bargains - as you know, am a dedicated charity shop / bargain hunter! lol

You're such a lovely friend, I know that's what friends are for, but you DO it... some wouldn't. Bless her heart re the wig... sending hopes of peace of mind and heart to your friends ,.. and for you too. xx

 

[Russiandoll]

All in all it's been quite a nice day today! I feel relieved that I've taken the first steps towards sorting our chaotic finances out (just got to shake the sand out of my ears now ).

I'm still grinning about my bargain charity shop jacket (gotta love those guardian angels! ): I feel much better about going into Uni on Monday now. I feel I've achieved something today and want to carry ontomorrow whilst I'm on a roll.
My tasks for tomorrow are
a) get the template letters from the CAB printed off ready to send to those who are chasing my tail.
b) go to the library to see if they stock the books I need at Uni so I can borrow them instead of buying.

I took my little dog for a walk to the park a bit earlier. She's in season but I feel mean keeping her cooped up so decided to go out but kept her on the lead. I ended up in what looked like a scene from Benny Hill with a stream of boy dogs following us around. I told them all in no uncertain terms that Pepper will require a ring around her paw before she gets up to any of THOSE shennanigans!

Oh - just remembered I wanted to share another of my (odd) weight observations ...
When I was trying some T-shirts on today, I noticed that if they didn't fit, I mentally thought "Nope - I'm too fat for that". But when I was thinner and something didn't fit, I used to think "Nope - it's too small for me"

There might not seem to be a difference but I think it's subtle. When I'm really big, I see the reason for something not fitting is that I am too big (the fault is with me). But when I'm thinner, the reason that the outfit doesn't fit is because IT is too small (the fault is with the outfit).
Just more subliminally negative thinking that I've identified. Once recognised though, I think I have a better chance of combatting it. (or maybe I'm just a crazy woman! lol)

Diet-wise, I haven't been very good (although I haven't been a demon either) - but I'm mentally preparing myself for a new start alongside the new Uni routine on monday. I'll just be 'watchful' that I don't go mad over the weekend.

 

[Russiandoll]

I really began enjoying clothes shopping when I was thinner. It's something I'd forgotten could be enjoyable. But now I hate it again.

I went to the town library this morning - managed to get just one book off my Uni reading list (call themselves a library??) but it's better than nothing I suppose.

I thought I'd try and get some cheap trousers to wear to Uni as I have precisely TWO things left that fit. Went into Bon Marche (yep - the granny shop ... but getting better I have to say) and was hard pressed to find anything to fit at all. Where I'm so short but my stomach is so big, everything makes me look like a skittle!

I ended up buying two long sleeved tops (plain, dark colours of course) and walked out feeling completely pi**ed off. Every shop window I walked past just served to remind me of how much I've gained in such a phenomenally short time: I think that's one of the factors that has depressed me the most.

I've got some CD shakes left (not many - less than a weeks worth) and my Uni buddy said she had a few more to give me (don't know how many). I'm really torn here ... I'm tempted to SS for as long as the shakes hold out - I absolutely cannot afford any more when they've gone - just to drop some weight fast. But I know that by bouncing in and out of ketosis, I'm, not doing my body any favours. I also know that if I lose a stone fast, with the help of ketosis, I'm likely to regain half a stone of it as soon as I start eating normally again - even if it's healthy stuff.

I'm tired, I'm ratty and so, so, so pi**ed off.

 

[Gen]

Hi Debbie

Just wanted to send you big hugs.

Hoping your day gets better and you have nice weekend.

Clothes -schmoles........... bloody things.... i know exactly what you mean about loving shopping and now hating it.... although whilst shopping for my holiday clothes i just bloody well embraced it cos in all fairness short of a miracle i wasn't going to drop 7 stone in like 2 days so no point in being totally pissed off!!!

Anyway hun hope you are feeling a bit better.

lots of love

Gen xxxxx

 

[Russiandoll]

Hi all
Will be away for a day or so as DD2 (who is expecting her first bubba) phoned to say her car has broken down. She's always been a daddy's girl so it's daddy to the rescue (and I'm going along for the ride )

Catch you all later xx

 

[kazbro]

morning rd
well done on the shopping trip
some good bargains there
what you going to be studying at uni?
have a great day
kaz xx

 

[Russiandoll]

Hi Kaz et al

I got back from Plymouth on Saturday night (mission accomplished - DD2's car fixed) but couldn't get to the computer as DD4 was having a sleep-over with her cousin and there was a tent in my front room. I could barely get the door open, let alone get across the room to the other side!

I had a pretty horrendous weekend really. I think the pressure is really building up between DH and myself - he works away all week and we both hate it. The he comes home to the cauldron of stress and hassle that I've had to deal with whilst he's been away. It's a recipe for disaster and this weekend was just that ...

In fact, it was so bad, we were on the verge of splitting up. Neither of us wants that really but he's on such a short fuse lately - and thats just not 'him' - he's usually so placid. I've spent most of the weekend in tears (not in front of the kids of course) and my eyes now feel like two scratchy golf balls wedged between puffy red eye-lids! We've managed to calm things down before he goes away tomorrow thank goodness - I'd hate us to part on terrible terms.

Needless to say, this hasn't put me in the best mood for Uni tomorrow. I emailed my best Uni buddy telling her how much I'm dreading coming back and she's sent me a lovely reply saying how I look is irrelevent - bless her!
(Incidentally Kaz, I'm just about to start my second year studying for a BA Hons in English & creative writing with heritage studies)

I've got my 'Cat' poem (first draft and a bit crap) and have my poetry book packed. But more importantly, I've decorated my bag with loads of charity badges, my dangly dragon and mini fluffy 'mum' dice... so I'm doing my best to get into student mode

I had a chicken shish kebab tonight because I plan to SS to the best of my ability from tomorrow with the CD packs I have left. I NEED the kickstart - desperately!!
So here's to tomorrow.

 

[Russiandoll]

Just a quickie before I do DD4's packed lunch then get ready for Uni...

I'm about to take yet another run at this out-of-control weight problem and will be trying to SS until my current stash of CD packs are gone (I have about a weeks worth). Hopefully, by then my Uni loan may be in and I can get a couple of months worth in one go ... then hopefully I might have a job and can pay for some more. A lot of 'mights and maybes' but it's all I can do right now.

I'm desperate and terribly unhappy; I'm hoping that's enough to keep me on the straight and narrow this time. I've changed my ticker and revised my goal to get to 13st ... the weight I was before I had the Depo Provera jab in Feb (the catalyst that threw me into a weight-gaining spin). Once I reach that goal, I'll revise again.

So it's day 1 - a new start and a new chance to build up my self-esteem again.

 

[Eclipse]

Hi Debs

Sorry to hear you had a crap weekend. Hope today goes well for you hun, will be thinking of you xxx

It might do you some good going back to Uni, and getting back into a routine again - seeing old friends and making some new ones.

PS I am hoping to get to the Post Office today!

 

[Russiandoll]

PS I am hoping to get to the Post Office today!

Bless you - you're an absolute angel xx

 

[Barb]

Hi Debbie, sorry you had such a rotten weekend, hardly surprising though with all the problems you have faced plus your DH working away. It may have done some good to have got some stuff out in the open, cleared the air etc...
Hope your CD kickstart goes well, you know you can do it and it may give you the very lift you need.

Wishing you a better day.

Hugs from your friend

 

[kazbro]

aww RD
sorry you had a bad weekend
if you ever need to chat on the phone i`m more than happy to let you ramble away in my ear
message me if you want my number
as for the ss try your best hun and hopefully it will get easier
you have done so well and you can get to 13st with a bit of determination
i totally lost the plot during the last 3 weeks but i`m back on track and raring to go
good luck hun
kaz:hug99:

 

[pandora]

just wanted to pop on & wish you all the best Debbie.
i have found this last week getting back to my routines has helped & hopefull it wii for you too.
i can't afford Cd any more so am doing Slimfast, may not lose quite as fast but i only have to think about 1 meal & am pretty much having the same each day.
will check in on you again latter
xx

 

[canireallydothis!!]

Hope today is going ok for ya hun x

 

[Isobel1965]

Hugs, hun - and lots of 'em!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Russiandoll]

My first day back at Uni was great - it was nice to be away from the same old depressing scene here at home and to think of things other than death and doom!

My 'Cat' poem went down well (just need to knock some rough edges off) and the afternoon's Genre' module was thought provoking. I kept up fine and was able to answer some random questions thrown at me by the lecturer showing that you can't keep a smart a*se down!

Yes, I went back 4st heavier but nobody's jaw hit the floor (well, not in front of me anyway). My bestest Uni buddies were lovely and supportive ... the fact that one of them has ALSO put on 4st took the sting away a bit. We've all decided to take on a Christmas challenge to keep us motivated: I want to get back into my Monsoon dress so that's my goal.

As it stands, I technically can't afford CD but I have a few packs left from my last attempt and my Uni buddy has given me some flavours she didn't like (plus another benevolent angel has come to the rescue - you know who you are xx) so I think I may have about three weeks worth. I'm trying not to think beyond that but hopefully my student loan will be sorted by then and I'll buy some more.

The first challenge of course is to get into ketosis and whittle away some pounds - no point talking about buying more CD packs if I can't stick to SSing! So I need to take each day one at a time - baby steps - and hopefully I'll regain some control and with it, some confidence.

 

[Eclipse]

You are sounding so much more upbeat after your first day. I am so happy it went well for you, I know you were dreading it! Have a lovely week hun xxx

 

[Russiandoll]

Thanks Cheryl.

Well, I got through day 1 relatively unscathed. I had a Toffee & Walnut shake with a tsp of PH for breakfast (only had a few noisy rumbles in my creative writing lecture so not too bad!).

Lunch was a hot choc mint shake made at Uni using a fork. A bit lumpy but at least I had something to chew

For dinner I had a cup of marigold followed by a banana mousse (complete with cinnamon - yum!). I made sausage and mash for the family but honestly felt OK to go without. In fact, I felt so satisfied with my bouillon and mousse that it FEELS like I've had sausage and mash. Strangley enough, if I've sniffed a food then have a shake (which makes me feel full) then psychologically I FEEL like I've eaten what I sniffed (IYKWIM).

I could have done better on the water front (had about 1.5 litres) - found it a bit difficult downing loads of the stuff in Uni lectures but hopefully I'll do better on the days I'm not in.

All in all, not a bad day.

 

[Eclipse]

I know EXACTLY what you mean about sniffing food before a shake. I was exactly the same, if I cooked it for the family and got the aromas, that seemed to be enough. When I first did it I had 3 teenagers and Ash at home to cook for, and they all (except Ash!) wanted something different, so sometimes I felt as though I had eaten three or four different meals. Unfortunately, that full and satisfied feeling didn't last too long in the early days, but it soon got better. Keep at it hun, and you'' soon be in the "zone" again xxx Have a great day tomorrow, nite nite.

 

[Russiandoll]

I'm at the start of day 2 and so far, so good. Sounds mad that I'm talking like that after only ONE day but the fact is that every re-start I've tried over the last few months has been tainted with a strong feeling of resentment: I just didn't want to do it!

This time, I'm not feeling that. Maybe it's because I'm so desperate now ... I've said in the past that SSing is often the last resort of a desperate person! Anyway, I hope I can hang on to this feeling of determination and reverse a bit of the damage caused by the last six months of hormonal hell.

It's getting your head around the fact that food just isn't a part of your life *for now*. That's tough. Just lately, with all that's been going on, eating something tasty is one of the few pleasures I've had. However, sliding into binge mode has turned the pleasure into pain as the weight has piled on. Eating like that isn't eating for pleasure - it's something outside of that.

Today, I'm going to be writing letters to all our creditors and also applying for a job that I would REALLY like (please, please, please guardian angels ... let it be mine! ). Then I need to write out a weeks menu for the family and shop for it. On such a tight budget I cannot shop 'randomly'.

Then I'll be doing a bit of Uni swotting and maybe knit a bit more of the blanket I'm doing for grandchild No3 (currently cooking on gas regulo 4 inside DD2 ).

More later ...