RD's life diary: I'm back (sort of)

hi Debbie,
loving your possitive attitude, it sure helps !
i can so relate to failing when you start something you don't really want to do, but you'll do it this time cos your head is in the right place.
i'm off to do my budget shop today too, thank god for Lidl & Iceland eh??
have a good day
xx :)
 
Isobel1965 said:
I'm so pleased you're feeling strong like bull, hun! Have a great day!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Click to expand...

That made me chuckle Izzy ... Bull is my surname :D
 
This sounds a lot more like the Debbie, of old. Determined, full of enthusiasm and not so blooming down on herself. Good on you Debbie, you can beat this, by Crimbo you will be a gorgeous gall in your Monsoon frock!

Have a good day.
Love
 
Brilliant to read that the dreaded return was a positive experience and you sound far better and buoyed up again. Ace! Here's to a great week with all this fantastic renewed grit and determination :D So pleased for you and that 13st target will be reached far quicker than you expect - I bet ya!
xxxx
 
It's not been TOO bad today. I've felt hungry (expected) and I've got a banging headache (expected) but I know it'll be short-lived if I just stick with it.

At one point today, the stress was really getting to me and the urge to go to the fridge and just have a slice of chicken was almost overwhelming - but I knew that would be a slippery slope so I stayed away from the kitchen.

I had a doctors appointment at 4pm. When I got there, he'd 'gone out' (omitting to inform the receptionists - they were really apologetic). I had time to make an appointment with the family planning clinic AND be seen by them before the doc returned! I was eventually seen by him at nearly 6pm.

I've decided to give the Mirena coil another go - I DEFINITELY won't be having another Depo jab. One of those in a lifetime is quite enough! So I'm booked in to have a Mirena fitted and a smear at the same time ( :sigh: ) next Tuesday. Don't want a smear (who does?) but it's way overdue - like 3 years overdue!!

I went to Asda afterwards - it was quite difficult walking around the food (especially the bakery). But I had just caught sight of myself in a mirror in the George section and was so horrified that there was no way I was going to eat anything so all yummies were ignored!

I couldn't help noticing that the slim women were walking about with cakes or meringue nests in their hands / baskets / trollies whilst the fatter ones had the 'Good for you' crispbreads and lettuce! It's no great mystery when you think about it ... it's probably because the skinnies know to stop at one meringue nest whilst I would pig out on them. I didn't get this way through moderation!

Anyway - more later
 
I took some pain killers for my headache last night but this morning I've awoken with a fuzzy residue of pain ... not banging - just there in my temples. I know that if I keep drinking the water, it WILL subside.

I weighed myself this morning and am already a few pounds down (I know I shouldn't scale-hop ... but I can't help it :) ) so I feel a little better that things are turning around. At least I'm not seeing the number 17 on there anymore!

I can also feel a difference in my upper midriff where the glycogen is depleting from my liver - it doesn't feel so distended and as I'm ditching the carbs, I'm feeling a bit less sluggish too. All good stuff.

I was thinking about my visit to the doctors yesterday. I went because all the stress I'm under is starting to manifest itself in physical symptoms: heaches, palpitations, disturbed sleep, weird dreams etc. I said I didn't want any drugs - I need my wits about me for what's ahead. Anyway, he's referred me for some counselling ... probably a good idea to help me untangle my thoughts (might even help me with the binge eating thing).

He asked about my weight (no surprise there - go to the doctor's for a sore toe and if you're overweight they start talking about your diet! :rolleyes: ). I said I'd regained loads over the last 4 months because I'd been bingeing. Know what he said?
"Portion control is the key here." WTF?? Binging is about a lot of things - portion control isn't one of them!! Would he say that to an alcoholic?
He offered to send me to a dietician :sigh:

He obviously doesn't get it. Binging isn't about nutrition or greed or lack of knowledge about diet. I could probably reel off the calorific content of anything he cared to mention and I know the nutritional difference between an apple and a cream bun. When I'm eating, my meals are very well balanced, healthy and portion sizes are fine. When my head goes into 'that dark place' it's rarely at a meal time and I don't eat - I binge. I don't taste what goes into my mouth really ... I just chew and swallow, over and over until I can't do it anymore. Then I sit back exhausted, like I've been in a fight. Well I have been in a fight I suppose - a fight with myself.
I don't profess to understand why I do it but I know I'm not alone.

Anyway, it just bugged me a bit. Thought I'd get it off my chest.

Right - on with the day :)
 
I suppose thats the problem RD, a simple lack of understanding from the medical profession. My GP is a rare variety in that she never, ever brings up my weight. Occasionally I have, to which she has replied, ' well after years on steroids and an undiagnosed under active thyroid you are bound to have weight problems'! Ok, no possible solutions then? Maybe she just thinks she is being kind, which in a way she is, but at the same time she makes me feel like I am beyond hope, which I know I am not, as I can lose weight when I really try hard.

I think your binging sessions are entirely understandable, it's almost the only thing at times that we can control, whether we eat or not. I am not a binger but I am a picker and thats pretty bad too, it doesn't sound as destructive but it is because you can pick a lot longer than you can binge!

Why do we self destruct? Well if we knew that I suspect we would all by slim folk and Minimins would not exist(perish the thought!).

I hope CD really gives you the boost you need right now Debbie, to get back to seeing those numbers falling will help you a lot and I think the counselling idea is brilliant.

Catch up later, have a good CD day, love
 
Grrr doctors :mad:
Before i started CD, i went to mine to seek help and was dispatched with the advice "go away and lose some weight to prove you are serious and we'll see what we can do then"
How unhelpful was that - if it was that easy i wouldn't have gone to see him in the first place

Anyway, good to see you've had a much better couple of days back at Uni than you were expecting. And having lurked around your diary for a few days, i can't believe how hard you are on yourself.

Not my place to say really, but maybe the counselling will help. Maybe it will lift you and see yourself as others see you. I met an attractive, warm, friendly and obviously intelligent person in Plymouth, complete with daughter who was obviously very proud of her mum. From reading your diary you've obviously got a good circle of friends online, at Uni and at home who see the same thing.

You've been through an awful time lately which hasnt helped, but i'm not saying ths very well but if i had never met you and just read your diary, i wouldn't believe they were the same person. You are way too hard on yourself and obvously to most people who meet you, all your other qualities surpass any weight issues.

That said, for your own self confidence, best of luck with your restart. ;)

God hope that didn't all come out wrong :D
 
Hey RD, I think 99% of people on here sympathise about the docs, I can remember (before Id heard about CD) going and begging to go on reductil, and she wouldnt do it, she gave me a diet sheet and sent me off. I was distraught, I was so overweight and no one would help.

AT least now we have minimins friends and CD to help us through those dark times.

Get through today and tomorrow and you'll be sailing, Im with ya, day 2 for me on 790 x
 
That didn't come out wrong at all Sally. Bless you for your lovely comments.
I really do listen to what everyone has to say and I take it on board. And from a logical point of view it makes sense ... I do have a close circle of friends and these dear people obviously care about me - as I do them (friendship - right? :) ). I know that, deep inside I'm not a bad person - I'd choose me as a friend I think. I don't know what daft switch I have lurking inside that I throw from time to time - it baffles me actually but it just won't go away.

No matter how many people are nice to me or how hard I try to say to myself 'you're an ok person', when that switch is thrown, I take all my anger, insecurities, frustrations, stresses, sadness etc etc, bundle them all up and dump them onto one thing - how I look: my weight. Then the onslaught starts.
When I'm in 'that' mood, I still think I'm an 'ok person' but I think I'm an 'ok person in a hideous body'. Trying to analyse it, I think 'so what if that's true? Big deal?' I have a husband who adores me and the best bunch of friends (offline and on) that I could ever wish for so what does it matter if I'm packing a few extra stone? But for some reason it DOES matter - big time!
Typing it like this and reading it back, it makes no sense and comes across as utter madness! It is ... because to talk to me, you'd never guess I harboured such a dark demon.

I need the wiring to that switch to be cut. Maybe counselling will help me do that. Here's hoping! :)
 
Russiandoll said:
Binging isn't about nutrition or greed or lack of knowledge about diet. I could probably reel off the calorific content of anything he cared to mention and I know the nutritional difference between an apple and a cream bun. When I'm eating, my meals are very well balanced, healthy and portion sizes are fine. When my head goes into 'that dark place' it's rarely at a meal time and I don't eat - I binge. I don't taste what goes into my mouth really ... I just chew and swallow, over and over until I can't do it anymore. Then I sit back exhausted, like I've been in a fight. Well I have been in a fight I suppose - a fight with myself.
Click to expand...

Debbie, thank you so much for writing the best explanation of binge eating I've ever come across!

Even at my heaviest I was never a binge eater. My weight problem stemmed more from a complete ignorance/lack of concern of portion control (at dinner time, I'd serve myself the same amount of food as I would give my 6'4" husband!) and being a secret eater (after all, eating 3 chocolate bars in the car on the way home from filling up with petrol doesn't count when no-one can see you eat them, right? Wrong! :sigh:). Even when I was nearly 19 stone, I still felt that because I never gorged on things like cakes, biscuits or any of the 'wrong' foods that I ate well. I was overweight simply because I just ate too much of the 'right' things. Yet another example of the complete and utter b*ll*cks we tell ourselves when we're trying to make ourselves feel better buying clothes yet another size larger :(

I've never truly known what binge eating really means/feels like, but the way you've described it helps a great deal with understanding what the symptoms are even if the cause still remains a mystery, and not only to you but probably an awful lot of others who have the same compulsion.

I'm delighted to see that you're already feeling lighter and more positive, and certainly counselling won't do any harm in helping you with your re-wiring. Oh .. as for being a good friend, I'm honoured to have met you and consider you as one of my valued online friends! :D

Love
 
Strange how you can form such close friendships online isn't it Sharon ... but I value my dear online friends as much as my 'real world' ones - maybe it's because we share a common bond.

Well, I'm starting day 4 - this is a bit of a record because for months, whenever I've tried re-re-re-re starting I've never managed to get this far without a 'nibble' of some sort. Not sure if I'm in ketosis or not; I forgot to test this morning - drat! :rolleyes:

I've got my first Language & Heritage studies lectures for year 2 today. I'm not too bothered about the language because my best Uni buddy will be there and we already met up on Monday (so shock over). But I'm on my own in Heritage studies and so dreading that - but I know that once that first session is over, I can relax a bit because everyone I'm likely to encounter with my new (temporararily) expanded body, I'll have met.

Yesterday was ok. The headache subsided to a background irritation which is a good sign that things are settling down. I made a mousse for dinner but had a savoury drink first so it felt like 2 courses. When I went to eat the mousse, it was still semi-liquid so I stuck it in the freezer for a little while. Two hours later I remembered it :eek:. I thought it would be a solid block but only the frothy top was frozen hard - the moussy bit underneath was still soft ... it was unusual and quite nice actually!

On with day 4
 
Good luck for today hun with the Heritage studies.

Have read through your recent posts with interest, will watch this space for further developments.

Despite all this, you are sounding so much more positive and upbeat and I am so sure you will crack it this time. Sending you lots of hugs xx
 
Well done RD. Sounds like you're nearly through the hard bit.
 
Good for you Debbie, you are definately on your way. Cheryl, what a gorgeous baby!

Love
 
Day 5 and <drum roll> I'm in the pink!! Over the moon because that means I'm a fat burnin' machine! I probably need to drink more though because it was almost burgundy :eek:

There was a bit of a drama last night. I was deep in the land of nod when flashing blue lights outside my bedroom window woke me up. It was almost 2am so I had a peek through the window: it was a fire engine (lights - no sirens) and I could see smoke coming from what looked like my drive, which is alongside my house (I live in an end of terrace).

For a horrible minute I thought my car was on fire so I opened the window wide to get a better look. The smoke and flames were coming from my neighbours place over the low wall. I thought it was their house but it turned out to be from their front garden where there they had deposited some stuff from their bathroom refurbishment to be taken to the tip. No idea how it started.

The flames were licking over the wall and I was worried about my car's paintwork but the luvverly hunks from the fire service did their stuff with water and hose and the fire was soon out. As they were raking thrugh the debris, one of them found some scales and weighed himself on the pavement (made me chuckle). Anyway, the drama was over but my bedroom stank like a bonfire for the rest of the night!
 
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