Total Solution Restart 29/03/2015 Exante journey to 9st3 for life!

[serialslimmer]

May I gently suggest again that you cut back on vigorous exercise? You already know that your punishing routine exhausts you and makes you hungry, which places you at a greatly increased risk of overeating. It seems that you are using the exercise as a 'trade off' - to allow you to eat more without gaining. It also seems (of course I could be wrong!) that by focusing on the physical you by extension neglect the psychological, emotional and spiritual aspects, all of which are key to recovery. Exercise has become your second master. The first is carb-dense food. We allow ourselves to be ruled by otherwise healthy things such as exercise. Working out, running, spinning etc are fine if you are taking-in enough food. When you are alternating between eating very little and eating everything in sight, exercise is never going to provide a cure. It's just another obsession which still controls you. I was addicted to exercise. That, too, became ritualistic. I punished myself day after day and tried to live on little more than fresh air, and I became very ill. Like I said before we often substitute one addiction for another. What you're trying to do is become free of unhelpful rigid thinking and behaviour. Very early days yet, so please don't let the old 'failure' tapes run in your head. There's no magic wand for our problems! Just hard work x

 

[Lara1986]

So true.. My marker is an apple. If I feel hungry I think "could i eat an apple?" If the answer is yes I make myself a meal, if no, I know it's cravings or emotional eating etc. I don't always listen though "screw the apple give me chocolate!!" ?

That's interesting. But I must say the amount of binges I've started with an innocent apple are plentiful. Sometimes I start with healthy food but progress to the carbs.

That's a great market though

 

[Lara1986]

May I gently suggest again that you cut back on vigorous exercise? You already know that your punishing routine exhausts you and makes you hungry, which places you at a greatly increased risk of overeating. It seems that you are using the exercise as a 'trade off' - to allow you to eat more without gaining. It also seems (of course I could be wrong!) that by focusing on the physical you by extension neglect the psychological, emotional and spiritual aspects, all of which are key to recovery. Exercise has become your second master. The first is carb-dense food. We allow ourselves to be ruled by otherwise healthy things such as exercise. Working out, running, spinning etc are fine if you are taking-in enough food. When you are alternating between eating very little and eating everything in sight, exercise is never going to provide a cure. It's just another obsession which still controls you. I was addicted to exercise. That, too, became ritualistic. I punished myself day after day and tried to live on little more than fresh air, and I became very ill. Like I said before we often substitute one addiction for another. What you're trying to do is become free of unhelpful rigid thinking and behaviour. Very early days yet, so please don't let the old 'failure' tapes run in your head. There's no magic wand for our problems! Just hard work x

The thing is the exercise is also for training - I have tough mudder in 5.5 weeks which is a 12 mile obstacle course. So I need to exercise.

I think when i was exercising I actually haven't been eating much at all so wasn't using as a trade off but I definitely have done that in the past. And the rebound binge is not a coincidence is it.

I agree with focusing on the physical maybe interfering with the psychological angle. Absolutely right and it takes up so much time that not much is left to work on the mind stuff.

Im definitely very all or nothing. I switch the exercise button on and I'm exercising all the time! Middle ground is very hard to find.

I woke up feeling less sick today. Not sure whether to go into work or work at home. Bit worried that if I work at home I'll be too near food. But it makes it easier to get to a class later (I would hve time to walk it) and I can rest. Decisions!

 

[Lara1986]

So far today I've had 3 teas with skimmed milk (decaf) and a couple of bits of broccoli that were in the fridge. I figured broccoli never did anyone any harm!

Am feeling very sleepy still. I know it's from all the bingeing. I am ready to move on and am looking forward to how I will feel after doing my class tonight. I will walk there and back too which is an hour each way. I hope to go to a class tomorrow and Thursday too and then by Friday I can relax a bit and might be going on a date but will only go if I feel good enough in myself which I think a few days back on track will help.

Having a little break from work now and laying down. I am lucky that I can do this!

Noticed today that my arm muscles have definitely grown. The classes are obviously helping. I'll try and stick to three classes a week and one long run.

 

[Lara1986]

Well I ended up having porridge, chicken slices, apple and ryvitas on top of 2 exante packs and a protein shake.

I don't think I should impose rules on myself as I only rebel. I haven't eaten badly today but I would have been better off not having the exante packs and learning to eat normally.

I'll leave for class in a couple of hours and work really hard. At least I have plenty of fuel for it!!!

Didn't get around to calling gp but I will

 

[Lara1986]

Feeling so full up and hoping that jumping around in the class will be possible and won't make me feel sick. Was just on phone to a friend and realise how exhausted and foggy brained I am as I could barely hold the conversation.

Looking forward to get all of this binge out of my system and having my energy back.

Hopefully in the next couple of days I will be back to normal.

I am probably going to drink alcohol on the weekend too. I just want to and it will have been three weeks since I did.

Oh and I've booked a GP appointment over the phone for next Thursday. I am going to tell them I would like to be referred again to the psychological services. Will try not to talk myself out of it between now and then!

Food wise I really don't know what my plan is. Part of me thinks always having a plan is what messes things up even more. I think I need to listen to my body more. Make choices because they are good for me, not because it meets a rigid rule or provides a liberation from the usual rules.

My month away on holiday showed me that my body would lose weight when I just are normally. I didn't exercise on holiday I just ate less and walked a fair bit and drank quite a lot of alcohol but was out and about. When I returned I felt good enough to wear a bikini at a spa day so body was definitely looking better. And you know what? I didn't think about it much.

Perhaps the overly focusing on food is half of the problem. I should focus on health and my mind. My aims for the next week are to do some more mindfulness reading - I seemed to put a hold on it when I dived into exercising. I have one of the books on my phone so I could be walking and reading really!!

Well that's my rambly thoughts f the moment

 

[Lara1986]

I feel so much better having done the class. Bags more energy. Just walking back now. I didn't out total effort in but still was good and I do feel I am getting stronger gradually and can begin to feel my muscles again. I expect too much too soon quite often and really I've only been back to classes for a few weeks. I remember a year and a half ago how great it felt to be toned and strong and that's what I aim to get back to!!! But also need to do the mind work too this time.

 

[serialslimmer]

Too full of emotion! Apologies x

 

[Lara1986]

I'm really sorry if I have contributed to the negative feeling resurfacing and having to take a break from this site.

I can relate to a lot of what you said in your thread and here; the anorexia and bulimia is something I've battled with too. I'm glad it didn't get the better of you. And it is crazy to think that the very slightly overweight child needn't have gone through any of those measures to drop weight. I remember that before I was anorexic and started a restrictive diet I was 9 and a half stone. A great weight.

It's good that you were eating regular food and maintaining for a lot of years as it shows that it was the difficult situations that caused the re emergence of disordered eating and that the place of stability is one that you have been at before and kept up.

It might be easy for me to say, but as much as they are sad memories I personally try not to dwell on them and I know my eating patterns are not normal but I am far better than I was and that's something. I know exactly what you mean with the high achieving, yet being horribly lonely trapped in an eating disorder.

Moderation is exactly what I need. When I have exercised and focused on my health and fitness in the past I have done a lot better food wise. I began to eat for health, rather than emotions or rules and also comes the confidence boost from the improvements and mood boost from the exercise. That's why it's something I think is good for me. And the event I am training for is just a challenge that I've been wanting to do for years. I wasn't able to do it last year due to an accident but whilst yes it probably is a bit extreme, it is something I am doing for fun with a few friends. I have been down the road where I would spend hours upon hours in the gym alone and purely counting the calories burnt, but now I don't see it like that and a lot of the exercise is social. When I run I try to focus on the improvements in running rather than on calories burnt.

I agree exercise can become another obsession. And I will be careful about that. It's partly why I want to go out this weekend and drink - I can't be all or nothing and say because I am exercising I can't have nights out anymore. That isn't moderation.

It sounds like very painful times that you went through. And I know in the dancing field the pressures must have been immense. Sounds like you were the ultimate perfectionist which as we know can ultimately become self defeating.

It interesting to hear how you went from anorexia to bulimia. I don't think I realised that others had done that too as the sequence of events you describe is not too dissimilar to mine as I too swapped one for another.

The part you said about accepting that there are certain foods we must try to eliminate from our lives - this is a stumbling block for me. I accept greasy and fatty or overly sugary food is never going to make me feel good or function well, but when it comes to every day carbs I think if I cut them out it would be just imposing more unrealistic rules upon myself and wouldn't be sustainable especially when going for a run or something and expecting enough energy to do so. I was actually considering a break from here myself as I mean no offence to anyone, but sometimes I wonder if reading of all the plans and rules everyone has, along with weight losses, makes me lean towards focusing on that again. I have found myself thinking a few weeks vlcd ing and I'll get the weight off and be great but for me I know that it's only going to cause a rebound and further damage my relationship with food. Listening to my body, being mindful, and thinking and eating for health as much as possible, and staying away from the scales and physical measures of "success" is what I think I need to do.

I am sorry that the painful times have resurfaced and for any part I may have had in sparking this. I must say your posts made me really sad to read. I don't want to bring negativity to other people. In my day to day life I attempt to bring quite the opposite and think I do but I suppose on here I reveal my honest dirty little secrets... Hope you are ok and sorry again X

 

[CrazyLadyA]

Hi Hun! Hope ur ok xx

 

[serialslimmer]

Oh Lara. I'm here to apologise to YOU! You haven't done anything wrong, not at all. I became over-emotional. My tendency to over-empathise caused the problem. I have a tendency to 'mother' also! To nurture and protect and try to 'save'. For this, too, I apologise. I was empathising with you and praying that you would continue to feel more at peace each day. But it came out all wrong. This is a long and very personal journey, and it takes as long as it takes.

I can't do Exante TS and only TS either, for the reasons you mention. I tried and the old have-to-be-rigid-or-else thinking began to creep back. I've fought hard for decades to banish such thoughts and behaviour so I began to reintroduce ordinary food with an emphasis on lower carb. I don't do this perfectly! We can't do anything 'perfectly'. The only thing I know for sure is that I am addicted to sugar. I didn't know, years back, that a person could be addicted to sugar or carbs. I'd never heard of such a problem. How I wish I had known. Many years of pain might have been avoided.

I can't chase speedy losses alone because hitting the target swiftly becomes the be-all and end-all. Like many here I can be stubborn as well as fiercely determined. Most days, thankfully, I channel that determination in a way that promotes health and peace of mind. And in time the worst and most disordered eating can be 'fixed'. Importantly, my bulimia is long gone. I no longer starve for weeks on end. I no longer binge for hours/days/weeks, either. Anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, starving... all come from the same place and together or separately can make life a misery.

I'm so sorry I had a wee emotional melt-down xx

 

[Kira]

Lara, Serial whilst I've not experienced anorexia nor bulimia I do have some kind of eating disorder with food because I eat for comfort, and I crave the soporific comfort that carbs give me especially when I have a binge. I still relate to so,e of the things you've posted about.

I greatly appreciate your honesty on this site as does help me think through my own issues and ways to deal with them and hopefully offer some support in the posts I share my thoughts and experiences.

 

[serialslimmer]

Kira, I eat for comfort too. And because I'm bored and lonely. Also because I've had trouble falling asleep since early childhood. My problem is sugar and all things containing sugar, as well as white flour. I try to avoid things made with pastry, iced cakes, biscuits... They have me enslaved whenever I allow myself to eat them. I can have these things occasionally but not on a regular basis because my cravings overwhelm me and I binge.

Food addiction and food avoidance are two sides of the very same coin. We find ourselves endlessly repeating the same cycle of unhappy activities and thought patterns, and all of them negative. I find low-carbing the only effective weapon against this misery over the longer term. Not a magic wand but a real boon x

 

[Kira]

Serial another insightful and helpful post. Ironically I did Have an episode last night and ate a huge amount which left me feeling very unwell and bloated. Even this morning I don't feel too good. I just know I need to take the food out of the equation (and wine) for a while before I can even address healthy eating again.

 

[Queen Bizzle]

The reason I love exante is that it's changing my relationship with food day by day. On day 13 without a binge. Have already managed nights out and family meals where I've allowed real food and stuck to low carb throughout. Draw a line under yesterday sounds like you needed it then but you also know what you need to do now x

 

[Bananas]

Hope ur ok x

 

[Lara1986]

hey thanks for checking in - I am ok - been reading more around mindfullness and just learning to take each day as a separate day and realising how pointless it is to worry, plan and attempt to enforce rules on myself all the time. I feel like I am slowly learning to listen to my true desires more, which when it comes to not only food, but everything, involves me asking myself before I do things 'will this decision help or hinder my inner peace?'. If the answer is hinder, then why would I choose to do it? I think for me the less I focus on rules and food the better. I have eaten a lot recently so things are not ideal, but I am learning. I am still trianing for tough mudder and tried 2 pole dancing classes for a new fresh challenge. i actually liked it. Very hard work. If I could get better at it I would be so impressed as obviously you need to be really strong in the core and arms and all over really. I think I will sign up to a course for it once I have done tough mudder.

 

[Bananas]

That sounds great! I imagine you need a lot of food to train for something like tough mudder!!

It sounds like all the mindfulness is helping you .

 

[Queen Bizzle]

Hi Lara. That sounds really interesting! I think I could use some of this way of thinking! X

 

[Kira]

Lara glad you're still reading and dropping by.