Total Solution Restart 29/03/2015 Exante journey to 9st3 for life!

[Kira]

Lara, Serial how are you both doing? Just want you to know you have support the on here too. Don't forget support can come from those like me we've been there done and trying desperately to do it again.

 

[Lara1986]

Hi everyone. Well I went out of Friday night and if I am honest I pretty much drank non stop all weekend and only came home for about 12 hours. So pretty much 3 nights and days in a row of drinking. I got quite low at one point but I just drank more and was the life and soul of the night out as usual. I have decided on no more alcohol now until the next bank holiday in May. I want to get my head in the right place and I don't like how extremely I behaved on these last few days.

I very much agree with the compulsive exercise element. And if I am honest that probably contributed largely to the binge the day after running. And I remember when I did that before - exercised a lot and attempted vlcd I rebounded a lot - the body must get very confused.

I think my dad is angry with me now as I disappeared most the weekend and he is worried and doesn't believe me when I said I was just with friends. He kept asking me what was wrong and what's happened as he could tell when I came home I wasn't myself. I also upset a friend too. I spoke to her yesterday and she is ok with me now. So today I need to work on parents. I hate upsetting people so much. I'm just going to say to my parents that I got carried away and that my friends have been going through things so I took on a lot of stress and that's why I may have seemed not myself.

I am actually looking forward to do this month with no alcohol.

And like you said with the books that helped you Kira - if I make it a focus I can get back to reading around mindfulness and make that effort to get my mind healthy and focused on the right things.

 

[Lara1986]

Be careful not to fall into the trap of compulsive exercise. That, too, becomes addictive and eventually you can't permit yourself to eat unless you exercise fairly strenuously before or/and after. On a VLCD rigorous exercise can be dangerous. You don't have enough glycogen coming in to support your muscles (or brain, come to that) and therefore risk injury. Also your body is well aware that you are taking in very few calories and expending far more - it therefore turns UP your appetite as it has no clue you are 'starving' deliberately. This is done to save your life - to make sure that in the midst of this unexpected famine you take in every possible calorie and carb. Balance is hard for us. We're all extremes. Starve or binge. Exercise madly or flump on the couch. Eat junk by the ton or subsist on salad. We are therefore either 'good' or 'bad'. Food is either good or bad. This is complete nonsense of course as food is totally inert and has only the power over us that we GIVE IT. One food may be more nutritious than another, sure, and have more calories/carbs than another, and be more likely to trigger a binge than another, but to see food in moral terms is crazy. We love to beat ourselves up! And we love the so-called 'wrong' food so much we find relief when the floodgates are open and we can eat. As much as we hate the binge we crave the extra food. Talk about being trapped! I am avoiding carbs right now because I want to re-establish solid ketosis. This is my greatest weapon against binges. Remove the sugars and starches and you also remove the most powerful overeating triggers. This does not mean that I will never succumb to biscuits (just the one...) or chocolate but it does mean that I will be at far less risk of doing so. One obvious but important strategy - stop buying your binge foods. If they're not in the house you can't eat them. We get panicky when our favourite poisons are not the the cupboard. We have the kind of love/hate relationship with carbs in particular that mean we get anxious when they're not around. As daft as this sounds I find it to be true. My Mum passed away in 2005. The loss of my father just about finished me off. My only sibling is terminally ill, too. And here am I blathering away and obsessing about food, weight and body image! But that's life, we all do it. I get angry that my day to day precious life is being limited and thwarted by my regain. I have arthritis and recently spent eighteen months in bed due to agonising sciatica. A nightmare! But others have it far worse. Losing weight will help my mobility. I feel I've regained the worst effects of being twenty years older LOL. Yet more reason to lose this surplus. So you binged again. Let it go. That was then and this is now. Help yourself by avoiding as far as possible the food items you simply cannot resist. If you crave it, don't buy it. I know how hard this is in practice. We may feel worthless - greedy and useless - and that we deserve punishment (come on now - how daft is THAT?) but this is incorrect thinking prompted by consuming food that makes us eat and eat. The craving for binge food is emotional, physical and spiritual. Rational thought goes out of the window! If you had a peanut allergy you'd avoid peanuts. Likewise a strawberry allergy. Or even a penicillin allergy. As wonderful and life-saving as penicillin is for most it can kill those who are sensitive to it. We kill ourselves by continuing to buy and eat food that is slowly destroying our health and emotional wellbeing. Crazy, isn't it? Forgive these lengthy posts but I, too, need to be reminded of the simple facts I state. Awareness helps. Reading on the subject helps. Even so acquiring knowledge of why we overeat does not in itself address, far less prevent, addictive eating behaviour. A whole industry has mushroomed around CBT and other 'talking cures'. Therapy does help some but I worry that expensive one-on-one sessions may prompt 'patients' to believe that this will lead to a 'cure'. Unless we also address the actual eating behaviour - and this usually means cutting-out the binge foods rather in the manner that an alcoholic must cut-out booze - we are unlikely to find lasting peace. And it is peace of mind and body that we ultimately seek. Relapse is part of recovery. Over time the recovery races ahead of the relapses! Self-hatred only holds us back. It takes courage to say, I'm not going to do this any more. Two steps forward, one step back is still real progress. This is about our dear lives. We deserve to feel good. As a pal once said to me ' 'there's not enough food in the world to fill the hole inside me'. Progress, not perfection xx

This was a really interesting post to read. And the amount of things we seem to share is comforting. That's a hard set of things you have had to deal with. It's lovely how you can talk openly here and I can see you have worked out a lot about yourself and your relationship with food. The part where you said we slowly destroy ourselves emotionally and physically with the food choices really struck me. And what you have said about adding weight to foods in terms of seeing them as good or bad is very true and something that needs to change. Things need to be looked at more logically.

Re. Therapy I agree it can support the notion that a cure is external not internal. We have the ability to be however we want to be. As you said after that binge I could choose to be happy and move on or dwell

Progress not perfection indeed thanks for your words.

 

[Lara1986]

Another appreciater of SerialSlimmers post. It saddens me that there are so many of us going through these issues but at the same time it makes me feel not so alone, its amazing what reading a few forum posts can do. I hope everyone has an enjoyable Easter weekend . I have to add Lara, I'm also a bit concerned about your exercise goals. I totally understand your reasons for making them but maybe instead of saying you will do a 5.5mile run (which is a lot when youre on a vlcd no matter how fit you are) why don't you just go for a run and see how far you get???? Its so easy to get obsessed, and yes, I wish I could take my own advice here

Yes this is true. It's part of the whole all or nothing thinking really.

I'm just going to say that for this month I will avoid bread and alcohol and workout as much as I feel able to. And water water water.

I certainly need to explore cooking a lot more. And googling low carb recipes seems like a fantastic place to start

 

[Lara1986]

Serial I could listen to your wise words all day! x

My feelings exactly!!

 

[Lara1986]

Yesterday was a better day. Spent it with my family and walked a lot. Ate lots of chicken and only carbs I had were veges, ryvita and fruit. I Can actually do no stodgy bread and low sugar I know I can. And I am doing the no alcohol until May too. As I am going to go to lots of classes I think it would be silly to vlcd. I still have two weeks of packs left so could use them now and then just for a low carb meal. My focus is on stability and fitness and also working on the mindfulness stuff. I accept that I do enjoy going out and partying but that when I do it and am not feeling confident it results in me drinking to the extreme more as I realise when I've had a few drinks I feel so much better about my image to the point people around me all think I'm so confident.

This saying was one I liked so thought I would share....

 

[Kira]

Morning Lara. What strikes me about this post is the positivity that shines through despite the recent posts where you were so down on yourself. You haven't given up on yourself and that is extremely important. You will come outside of this next few weeks physically and mentally much better. It's as if we have to reach rock bottom before we can pick ourselves back up. I certainly feel that it's the case for me but sadly something I repeat but hopefully we can strive to overcome that in due course.

Have a great day!

 

[Lara1986]

Morning Lara. What strikes me about this post is the positivity that shines through despite the recent posts where you were so down on yourself. You haven't given up on yourself and that is extremely important. You will come outside of this next few weeks physically and mentally much better. It's as if we have to reach rock bottom before we can pick ourselves back up. I certainly feel that it's the case for me but sadly something I repeat but hopefully we can strive to overcome that in due course. Have a great day!

I think that's true. And I think a big reason getting to rock bottom happens is because of all the rules. I want to live a life without rules on myself. I want to go more with what I want to do. And therefore I won't have to crazily eat when I break eating rules or crazily drink when I drink more than I meant to. I need to accept myself more. And just embrace my choices. I think we all need less rules and more self acceptance

 

[serialslimmer]

We make a prison for ourselves without meaning to, and carry it everywhere we go. It took me decades to deal with my food addiction - much suffering and joy along the way. Nobody is ever 'cured' but it is certainly possible to become free of the obsession on a day to day basis. I know this for a fact because I managed it for years - and I was a pretty hopeless starve/binger. I was either eating almost nothing or fighting to not eat all day long and then caving-in at bedtime and emptying the larder. This repetitive cycle is itself highly addictive. So you're sort of doubly trapped! And because you keep eating sugar and carbs you fear that you'll never break free.

It's a hard road to freedom, but it honestly can be achieved. Not overnight - but bit by bit you start to heal and to value yourself more. To accept that you have a problem with certain foods and therefore would be wise to avoid them, not because those foods are wicked and evil - but because they make your body and appetite react in an unbalanced way.

If anything I write here helps others, wonderful. I can't offer a magic wand nor can I display perfection Ha Ha. Nobody can. But I've been through the whirlwind, you know? We all have, and it really hurts. Think of the pain you've suffered, and are still suffering. It's horrible. Now that I'm feeling stronger and clearer-headed I'm back on the right path. Bless you all xx

 

[yoyoagogo]

Lara I'm ill at the moment so can't write a great deal, but wanted to check in to see how you were. I just had to mention something that I noticed - please think about confiding in your dad - sounds like he is rightly worried about you and he cares. It might help stop you internalising a lot of what you are feeling xx

 

[Lara1986]

serial "We make a prison for ourselves without meaning to, and carry it everywhere we go" is it exactly. The rules, the telling yourself off and self hate.

Interesting that you said the other day and now about avoiding certain foods because of what they do for you not because you label them good and bad. A book I was reading was taking about how we do that about our lives from a young age - we want to categorise and make everything either good or bad rather than think through the true end result. Sometimes a "bad" seeming thing can lead to a "good" end result: the example was a lion chasing a deer in a nature show. You want the deer to run free. But really you should think how the lion needs to eat and live and that it is necessary and ok. Not sure if I have taken this too deeply but I think it is all very much linked.


"I was either eating almost nothing or fighting to not eat all day long and then caving-in at bedtime and emptying the larder."
Yes you have definitely been where I have been / I have been where you have! I love that you've come out with all of this wisdom.

Xx

 

[Lara1986]

Lara I'm ill at the moment so can't write a great deal, but wanted to check in to see how you were. I just had to mention something that I noticed - please think about confiding in your dad - sounds like he is rightly worried about you and he cares. It might help stop you internalising a lot of what you are feeling xx

Sorry that you're not very well :-(

My dad is such a worrier. He's very loving and caring but anything I tell him will make him worry more so I avoid telling him anything that would upset him. I agree opening up about things totally helps me not internalise though. Yesterday I went to work and spoke to my friend all about what has been happening and it has helped me to get out of my own head.

Sometimes my views are so skewed it scares me. But talking to others helps a lot. For example on Friday I thought I looked so hideous that I couldn't possibly go out. I thought I was huge. But yesterday I realised I looked quite nice at work. Tummy a little bloated but still a pretty nice body. It's crazy that it was only a few days later so it couldn't have been a massive physical change - it's all mental!! It links back to what you said about living ourselves more and how that is a good place to start.

Hope you are better asap! X

 

[yoyoagogo]

I hear what you are saying hon, but he's your dad. It's his job to protect you not the other way around. Pretty sure he would be gutted if he knew you weren't letting him do his job xx

 

[Lara1986]

I hear what you are saying hon, but he's your dad. It's his job to protect you not the other way around. Pretty sure he would be gutted if he knew you weren't letting him do his job xx

I suppose but I just know there are certain things I can't open up to my parents about. When I went away for my month trip they were so worried that they weren't sleeping properly! They really really worry more than anyone's parents I know! And yea I am 29!

 

[serialslimmer]

Sometimes very protective parents are the last people we can tell. They become even more worried than they were before, and worse, they then start to watch us, ask questions, etc. Perfectly understandable but this adds pressure so we tend to lie our way out of such situations. I used to think that if anyone was to learn the full truth of my crazed eating/starving behaviour they'd think me insane! The fact that addictions usually lead to isolation and secret lives makes them easier to fall into and harder to beat. But one day at a time we can get better. Every day that we don't binge is real progress. Don't think a week or a month ahead, just think of now, today, this meal, this moment.

Exante is fabulous and it truly delivers on its promises but people like me tend to get fixated on losses, as fast as humanly possible. At first this is just wonderful. Then you slip, blip or binge and see a huge false (water) regain on the scale. This can catapult you into an obsession. Correctly used VLCDs are mostly fantastic. We just need to be careful not to care more about the WI results than our health and wellbeing.

If and when you have a slip - big or small or in-between - immediately put it behind you. Push it out of your mind. Continue with your lower carb eating as though nothing had happened. Trust me, over time this becomes easier to do. You're still taking responsibility (that awful expression!) for the slip and demonstrating in practical terms that it won't be allowed to derail you. Guilt and shame are the two biggest enemies of any dieter. Neutralise 'em! x

 

[Kira]

We've discussed this before - whether to share this with your parents and/or friends and my understanding is that you've not felt they would understand Lara. Counselling again is another option and only you can really decide if this is what you want and or need. As ever, it's difficult and only a decision you can make if you wish to.

In in the meantime if the support here gives you what you need to keep trying and adress and work your way through your relationship with food I completely understand that as it has helped me in the past. Ultimately you must do whatever helps you but at the same time I undersatnd Yoyo's concern that your Parents will worry about you.

 

[serialslimmer]

It's very hard for parents to suspect that their child has a problem that is affecting their health and happiness, and at the same time to accept that the child feels for any reason that they would rather not share the details. Then again some of us feel under pressure to live up to parental expectations and fear that by having 'shameful' problems we are letting them down. At other times we know they would not understand and therefore choose not to share so as to avoid yet more unhappiness.

But we do need to share with someone, more specifically, with a person or persons who have been where we are now and will neither judge harshly nor fob us off. Just lately I've been boosted beyond measure by chatting on the TS thread and then on my diary thread. To feel genuinely accepted and at home without having to go into detail or make excuses is invaluable x

 

[Lara1986]

Sometimes very protective parents are the last people we can tell. They become even more worried than they were before, and worse, they then start to watch us, ask questions, etc. Perfectly understandable but this adds pressure so we tend to lie our way out of such situations. I used to think that if anyone was to learn the full truth of my crazed eating/starving behaviour they'd think me insane! The fact that addictions usually lead to isolation and secret lives makes them easier to fall into and harder to beat. But one day at a time we can get better. Every day that we don't binge is real progress. Don't think a week or a month ahead, just think of now, today, this meal, this moment. Exante is fabulous and it truly delivers on its promises but people like me tend to get fixated on losses, as fast as humanly possible. At first this is just wonderful. Then you slip, blip or binge and see a huge false (water) regain on the scale. This can catapult you into an obsession. Correctly used VLCDs are mostly fantastic. We just need to be careful not to care more about the WI results than our health and wellbeing. If and when you have a slip - big or small or in-between - immediately put it behind you. Push it out of your mind. Continue with your lower carb eating as though nothing had happened. Trust me, over time this becomes easier to do. You're still taking responsibility (that awful expression!) for the slip and demonstrating in practical terms that it won't be allowed to derail you. Guilt and shame are the two biggest enemies of any dieter. Neutralise 'em! x

Yes that's exactly what I am trying to do - take things moment by moment.

I keep stopping myself when I slip into the automatic thoughts - like the other day I tried on some of my running shorts and they were skin tight. I immediately found myself trying to work out how quickly I can lose weight and how bad it is they don't fit but I was mindful and aware of my thoughts. I smiled and said to myself well they might fit soon or they might not, but that doesn't change the fact that I am enjoying getting fit and healthy again and I appreciate my body as it is right now - not in 6 weeks. This is the reality - the future is only an idea.

 

[Lara1986]

We've discussed this before - whether to share this with your parents and/or friends and my understanding is that you've not felt they would understand Lara. Counselling again is another option and only you can really decide if this is what you want and or need. As ever, it's difficult and only a decision you can make if you wish to. In in the meantime if the support here gives you what you need to keep trying and adress and work your way through your relationship with food I completely understand that as it has helped me in the past. Ultimately you must do whatever helps you but at the same time I undersatnd Yoyo's concern that your Parents will worry about you.

I don't think it's necessary to tell my parents and it would add no benefits to either of us. My friend once told my brother and his wife about me when I was throwing up loads and it made me feel so much worse and made them just watch me a bit more but they didn't get it it was all pointless.

About counselling - a friend at work has suggested we call the counselling line at work we have. I think it's sweet of her - I recently confided in her about things. So I might give that a go next week.

I've done really well this week with food and exercise but I am aware that I may need further support down the line.

 

[Lara1986]

It's very hard for parents to suspect that their child has a problem that is affecting their health and happiness, and at the same time to accept that the child feels for any reason that they would rather not share the details. Then again some of us feel under pressure to live up to parental expectations and fear that by having 'shameful' problems we are letting them down. At other times we know they would not understand and therefore choose not to share so as to avoid yet more unhappiness. But we do need to share with someone, more specifically, with a person or persons who have been where we are now and will neither judge harshly nor fob us off. Just lately I've been boosted beyond measure by chatting on the TS thread and then on my diary thread. To feel genuinely accepted and at home without having to go into detail or make excuses is invaluable x

Yes that is one of the great things about this site isn't it. It's really lovely. And it is good to talk and get all of these thoughts out of out heads.