The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

White Tulip, you are having a rollercoaster of a journey but it is great to read your rising self-esteem as the weeks and months have gone by. I have spend some time this evening reading through your diary, I will finish it over the next few days. I just wanted to say a well done for keeping going and to say how proud you should be of yourself. I think you should start planning next year's holiday - a solo one - leave the jerk at home. It sounds like he needs to buck up or butt out. I hope you are not offended by me saying so - I know I don't know you or him, but it seems to me that you are far too good for him. Take care and keep on going!!!
 
love reading your diary, darling x
 
I'm thinking of you, and wishing I could offer you more than words, words, words, typed half a world away. I hope everything is ok in your world White Tulip, you are a precious friend to me!
 
My dog.......I will continue to have 'joint custody' of him in that I will see him at weekends. My ex is quite happy to bring him to where I live or to pick me up and take me to where he will be living (I have a driving phobia which is very limiting outside very short well known routes and I have tried just about every solution possible ). I wouldn't want to get a dog of my own.......I feel that Charlie (my boy :D ) is my number 1 'boy' and I'd feel a bit unfaithful getting a rival!!!

OH's son and gf are flying to Perth to stay with some of her family. They then fly to Sydney at New Year and want to travel/work for the remaining time. His son is a really lovely young man and I really hope he has an amazing experience. They are starting off with a week in Dubai.

You have hit the nail on the head really minusfour with how I should be getting on with things - do what I want for me. I read Just Say Yes a few years ago and I thought what a good idea (broadly speaking!!!) it was.

Had a bit of blow out yesterday but felt I needed to do it. On paper it looks like nothing but in relation to CD it was a lot.

I had

1 shake
1 bar
1 soup

ok so far..... I also had

2 more bars
1 tin chick peas (in my soup)
a packet of sliced ham (150grams ( I think)

all in all about 1300 calories so if on a 'standard' kind of diet that would be fine, but 3 times the CD daily intake on SS. I just needed to get it out of my system and apart from 5 jelly tots and 1 slice of ham today I have been fine so I am hoping that yesterday was the peak of falling off the wagon and I can start getting my head back together.

I had to be on a stand all day at a jobs fair and everyone was given 2 mini muffins at 9am. I gave them to a colleague :D I was then given 2x£10 vouchers for lunch in the cafe and I gave them to the 2 colleagues who I had rostered on over lunchtime whilst I went to see Charlie and get my shake :D

It realllllllly hurt giving away the muffins as nobody would have known I had eaten them.....except me. I am pleased I did it though.

Book keeping course tonight - definitely not something my brain seems to be enjoying but I will keep going.
 
It's great that you will still get to see Charlie regularly. I see he very, very special to you :D.

I haven't read Just Say Yes but I want this to be my new motto. After years of missing out on parties, events and girlie weekends away I want to yes to every single invitation that comes my way. Also, I've been online/phone/email friends with someone for an absolute age and we're finally meeting up before xmas..eeekkkk!!!

You're definitely sounding a lot brighter and are you'll get back on track with the diet - you've come so far already :D.
 
I watched a documentary last night called 'Morbidly Obese' about 3 people in America preparing for gastric bypass surgery - their lives/journey/operation/x months after kind of thing.

I've seen loads of these programmes (I sometimes even seek them out to watch on the channels) and in the past I've always felt a bit 'phew, I'm still not at this stage so I'm safe' as the people featured are often 500/600/700 pounds and I then stick my head back in the sand with a feeling that I can carry on eating.

The one last night felt a bit uncomfortable to watch and for some reason I nearly turned over. I think it was because of my own realisation of how big I was but also because of some of those featured.

One guy was around 500 pounds - the 'typical' featured person on this kind of programme, but the woman was probably slimmer than I am now (odd choice of weight management I felt) and the other guy.....well he was 332 pounds......the exact weight I was when I started CD......

He went on about not having a girlfriend, not being able to do anything and his family said how sad they were for him and I thought - that was me, weight wise. :( It all suddenly became very relevant because this guy was the identical weight to me when I started and I found it hard to watch.

One of the surgeons said that most morbily obese die in their late 40s/early 50s and that if you ever saw a morbidly obese person of 60 to 'take a photo ' as it was so rare........and this was in the same programme as the guy at 332 pounds....

Now I know that being the size I was I was verging on possible illnesses and complications. I just shrugged though and blamed it on other stuff, I have a back problem so that had to be the reason I was always in pain (I am still in pain but a little less), everyone complained the staircase to my office was steep and everyone was out of breath (I don't even think about it now) and lots of people had problems with airline seats because they are just so small........

It wasn't a real 'kapow' oh my god what had you done to yourself but it was a real warning that wherever I get to on my journey I must never, EVER go back to anything near to the weight I was.

EVER.
 
i like watching biggest loser. it's great motivation watchin 300lb+ people loosing loads of weight each week through sensible eating and exercise.

it's nice when the doc comes in and takes them off tablets for this and that.
 
Wow, sobering stuff! You hear lists of things that being very overweight increases the risk off, but most dying in their 40s and 50s, haven't heard that before! Scary! I have had a few of my dental patients have weight loss surgery, four in fact, and have been surprised because none of them seemed that incredibly overweight- all in the 250-350 pound range. I think more than their start weight it was that they felt that they had tried everything else, without any real success.

White Tulip, I have exactly the same driving thing! I did buy a book several years ago, which you were meant to work your way through, gradually increasing the "scare" factor you were facing on the drive, but have never been able to even start it. I am not a bad driver, haven't had a string of accidents, I'm just terrified!

Sweet girl, I assume that you feel like you are building up to give OH the push off- building up your confidence or strength.He was there when you were at your heaviest, actually while you got to that point, and it sounds like, instead of try to help you or support you in any way whatsoever, he actually took you being so overweight as his advantage. It doesn't seem that he felt sad for you, for all the things you might be missing out on, for the effect it might have on your health. Rather, he seemed to derive some twisted pleasure in seeing you down, deriving some sense of empowerment by the very fact of your personal disempowerment. It seemed that he enjoyed the fact that you felt like you were not in a position to be too demanding of him. Sometimes he has been quite sadistic in "putting you in your place"
This is all about him, not you. It is not only a lack of support, and intimacy that you have a reasonable expectation of. It is someone who shares your life gleefully rubbing his hands together when you fall because of how he thinks your success might effect him, and his status in this relationship. (Quite rightly probably too, I think him many things, but stupidity is not one of them)
I think you need to consider the risk of keeping him around. And the constant drag he must be creating in your life. Can you leave him before you feel strong enough, or will you ever feel strong enough before he goes? Is he actively plotting some road blocks to put in your path, or just sucking your energy and pleasure in life away? (Misery loves company!) I don't know, White Tulip, but I don't think he is an inert factor in your life, and I do think he should be considered a danger.

Sorry, I have been trying to resist, I can't tonight. I is not that you don't deserve more. It is that he isn't enough, and I fear he knows it!
 
I do feel my OH knows his own failings (emotionally/sexually/general ability to know how to 'behave' in a relationship') and has built this 'situation' around this knowledge. There is (well was) an extra element to our relationship when we first met (and why we met) that would make his actions stand out all the more - for the wrong reason - but that reveals something about me that I keep private because it is sometimes misunderstood and people like my OH but it all up for being misunderstood.

I do feel I am slipping to a bit of a crisis point. I feel I'm running down a hill and can't stop. I want the world to freeze around me and for the ground to level for me to just hang on until my mind is back in focus.

Yesterday I ate a wrap with a tin of tuna and beetroot in it (yes, I know, a weird combination, shows I was in my old way of thinking!) and a small bag of maltesers.

I am going to re-read my cognitive behaviour book because that really helped focus my mind. I have put it in my bag to take to work and I even felt myself resisting picking it up.

I got on the scales and they are showing a gain today and I heard myself say 'oh sod it'..... a dangerous, sabotaging, destructive thought. I am going to force myself to read the book until I can hopefully get my head back into the habits of before I went on holiday.

It does show how easy it is for the re-training of the mind to slip and I really have to just keep taking tiny steps forward at the moment even if the progress is virtually negligible.
 
Oh sweets, this is just a break in your stride, you know that, the gain is just fluid and glycogen, it's ok to lose momentum, ok to have a bit of a bad time.
It's not ok to say sod it. You know that too. The world is waiting for you, it is waiting out there. Do what you need to do to soothe yourself, comfort yourself. But don't give up.
Rereading the book sounds like a good idea. If you didn't reread your diary, I think that would be worthwhile too, you have made some huge leaps since you started writing, I reckon you will be surprised. The 19th will come and go, and the emotions it is bringing will too.You so deserve a fit and healthy life. Nurse yourself if you need too, like a baby, like a little child, do what you have to do, but do it knowing that soon, very soon, you will be on track again!
 
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. You're going through an emotional time right now and although you have slipped a little you aren't throwing yourself completely into food. Re-reading the book is a really good idea - hope you're getting on with that ok.

You're such a special lady and I know that you'll find a way through all this, take care xx
 
Hi White tulip, please keep going, your diary made me cry when I read it, you were one of the ones that inspired me to change my life.
You can do it, look what you've done already!!xx
 
oh thankyou....I've been trying hard to keep on track, not beat myself up and tell myself I'm rubbish and that I was destined to fail but the voices are growing and the tears have come as I type this, rather ironically because of all your kind words. I really did need a hug and your words have given me that feeling of being loved.

I refuse to let the voices grow and win. The scales are up another pound and if they stay the same when I weigh in tomorrow that's a 3 pound gain this week. Yesterday I had 4 CD products but 'watched' myself eat half a bread roll with a spoonful of chutney on it. I didn't even enjoy it.

I seem to find it hard to relax in life generally these days but it's even harder at the moment and I feel a need to be utterly in control at all times. I never used to be like this but it's the last remaining element of the breakdown I went through when I was bullied at work 4 years ago. I have a real aversion now to routine changing and a plan for something not being completely mapped out (by me) and I think this has made me have the need to be completely in control.

I used to be really out of control with food before CD and I gained the control over the first 20 weeks of CD and perhaps the small wobble I am having is somehow making me even more on edge.....

I feel now with just few tears released the need to just cry and cry and cry....but I'm almost too scared to.

I am determined to learn from the last 2 weeks rather than stick my head in the sand and just slip further. Whatever happens tomorrow is just part of the journey and I must keep telling myself I am not a failure.
 
You are NOT a failure! Don't listen to those voices, listen to our voices!! Read through this diary and see what you've accomplished BY YOURSELF!!

I have people supporting me everyday on this, I couldn't do it otherwise, you had no one and your less than compassionate other half and you have still lost all that weight.

You've had a hard few days but don't let that spoil it, it the grand scheme of things, what's a roll and chutney?? Nothing!!

Keep going, this is for you, and you can and WILL do it!!!!!
Pinkxxx
 
You can't br a failure - you are already a success. You have succeeded in losing weight - I assure you I aspire to be you. You have succeeded in inspiring others in their journey - and I am not just talking weight loss. When you decided to share your ups and downs with others you gave them tools they could use in other aspects of their lives. You are human and having a wobble. If you never lose another lb you will still be a success. I bet though you will lose all you want to. You will have othr wobbles along the way, you will feel like you do now possibly again. But each time you do have a blip, you will be that much closer to your goal than you were the time before. You will do this because you can, because you are strong - being human you probably don't always feel it- and most of all you will do this because you are worth it. You must beall your loyal minimin readers can't be wrong!!! Take care we are all behind you xxx.
 
Hi darling girl,

You are already a success, that is true. It's a wobble, a glitch, a step back. One day you'll look back at this and laugh. (Probably wryly!) It is a universal truth that no-one succeeds without some setbacks, some problems along the way. What is incredible is how far you've come without allowing setback to destabalise you. You are brave and strong, and I'm proud of you. Oftentimes when I look back at rocky times in my life, I'm almost pleased to have had them, for the problems faced, and overcome by/during them. Have faith in yourself, darling girl, we all do. It's ok. It will be ok!
 
Hope you are doing it a little bit easier today, White Tulip, really I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and sending hugs!

"Life is not meant to be easy, my child:but take courage-it can be delightful"
George Bernard Shaw
 
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