The journey continues!

[cybill]

Thank you. I'm really pleased with my decision this afternoon, working on the presentation reaped dividends, and everyone agreed that it's ready as is for a few weeks time. Now all I need to do is practice it, so I'm really pleased about that. Can't believe I so quickly jumped to chocolate instead of what I wanted to do... it's amazing how easily I can still convince myself to do something stupid - I went through the whole gamut of noise / voices in my head - it shouldn't be so difficult, I'm not sure I still want to do this diet, it's not worth it, I'll won't be able to keep the weight off at the end, so why do I bother.... why do I let myself speak to myself like this - I would murder anyone else that said this to me!

Anyway, back to the Beck book, just proves to myself that I need to keep persevering with the lessons, and probably start again at the beginning of the book again as soon as I reach the end!

Day 24
Hahaaa, it's like I'm somehow hitting the right Beck days at the right time - today is 'deal with discouragement'

'Some dieters have sabotaging thoughts, such as:
It shouldn't be this hard
I'll never be able to keep this up
I don't want to do this anymore'

hahaaa, it's like Beck is a mind-reader, that's exactly where I've been today!
OK, so first thing I have to do is re look at my ARC, rewrite them out - so here they are:

• I will be healthy, or the healthiest that I can be
• I will set a good example to give my daughter the best chance to be healthy too
• I will be able to shop for clothes in any shop
• I will be too small to shop in Evans
• I will look good and believe that I look good
• I will have the energy to play in the park
• I will feel comfortable at the beach and the pool
• I will not be the fat Mum or the fat friend
• I will be the best version of me that I can be, and not hide behind anything, particularly my size
• I will have the energy to go cycling and play badminton and not look like a beetroot
• I will be able to do the Palace to Palace cycle ride that I've committed too, and finish it
• I'll be able to stand up straight, tall and proud
• I will be even happier when I look in the mirror
• I will not have fat as part of my identity
• I will be able to wear heels and not wobble over
• I will weigh less than my husband, so he can tip down on the seesaw!
• I will be able to tell that I have cheekbones, a collarbone and tendons in my feet and my hands
• I will be memorable but not as the big, fat, cheerful one
• I will be memorable as the confident, colourful, determined, attractive one
• I will be able to paint my toenails without feeling like a contortionist, or an extra long brush
• I will be happy of photos of me with my family, especially my daughter
• I will feel confident learning to dance (one of my goals once I have lost weight)
• I will be living, breathing and being the best version of me that I can possibly be

There are some really good responses in the book that are just perfect for me today too -
'I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment. It doesn't always seem this hard. Later on today or tomorrow, it'll probably feel easier again.'

It's the sort of advice I'd give other people, but am not always prepared to accept myself. Anyway, good to hear it today, and now time to go to bed and start again tomorrow. I'm cycling to work again tomorrow, I think this is week 4, so I'm really chuffed! And I keep telling myself that every lb I lose will be making that cycle easier!

 

[cybill]

Oooopsy, wrote another essay! Congratulations if you made it through my brain dump

 

[cloud*]

What a lovely post & good to hear you sounding so upbeat. I think Beck maybe see's a cycle of thoughts in her dieters so must roughly know where you'll be on a day -either that or she's psychic!lol xo

 

[DustQueen]

You are doing so well Rachel you just persuaded me to buy the beck book will join you with it when it arrives on Thurs

 

[cybill]

I think I should be on commission from both Exante and Beck! 2 more friends have just ordered their first boxes of Exante.... I'm hoping they get on well with it... they can see it works from me! Had some more lovely comments at work today, and definitely going to give myself credit for cycling to work today, via nursery with my daughter on the back to drop her off. It even started raining and I still cycled in

All day I felt like munching, and I managed to resist too Although when it got bad I went and bought a bottle of Coke Zero from the cafe.... 4 bottles later, I was rather hyper, but I still haven't eaten anything off plan yet. Really pleased with myself.

Now time to do my next Beck day and then an earlyish night for me.

Another good one, this time about identifying sabotaging thoughts. I think I'm starting to identify some of my triggers (I hope so 7 months in... but I seem to be particularly slow at learning some of this). Anyway, I know a big factor for me is when I'm tired. I'm also getting better at spotting that quite a lot of the time it's that I'm really thirsty - like when I get home from work after my 46 minute cycle (that was another accomplishment today! reduced from the original 60 minutes )

At the moment, whenever I feel like I want to eat I'm starting with checking my thirst and having a drink. This is helping me as a bit of a distaction and pause between thought of food and possibility to act on it. Now, just need to get through another day tomorrow. It does feel good getting back in control of stuff, and making progress on this weight journey.

I've just been watching the biggest loser final, and it's great to see that I've lost more weight than some of the people on there! I can see what a big difference it's made to them, and am impressed at their achievement, so I know I'm right to feel proud of myself too. I've put up all my balloon pictures at work now too, to keep reminding myself of how far I've come. Now to keep focused on my ultimate goal to actually achieve a healthy weight!!!! I can do this... 34lbs to go and counting

 

[DustQueen]

Aww Rachel you are doing so well it's no wonder so many if us are trying to follow in your footsteps

 

[JennieC]

Lovely post Rachel, you're so inspiring! Credit for being awesome xxx

 

[Sammeh]

Wow, I love reading your posts - cheers my morning up no end! Brilliant timing on the bike - what an amazing improvement in such a short space of time! Go you!

 

[JoanneM]

Go you reducing your cycle time Rachel.

 

[cybill]

Woohooo, 42 minutes to get to work this morning! My ultimate goal had been to get it down to 45 minutes, so can't believe I've exceeded that I'm sooooooooo pleased with myself At this rate I may be able to get it down closer to 30 minutes, which would be the same as when I drive!

 

[babystar31]

Just catching up on your last weeks progress! Your doing fab! And a huge well done on reaching so many goals in such little time! So inspiring! Xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

 

[ladygaga]

I'm so so pleased for you Rachel You real are such an inspiration and it's lovely hearing all your successes along the way. Your diary is so good at highlighting the highs and lows of this plan in such a beautiful and honest way. I truly admire you and wish you even more successes to get those last 34lbs off.....won't be long now xx

 

[Miss Mac]

Well done hunni. You are doing amazingly well. Your positive attitude is inspiring as is your achievements so far...x

 

[cybill]

Beck day 26
Another good one, this one is about recognising the mistakes in my thinking, after the original sabotaging thought.

From yesterday, one of my key sabotaging times is when I'm tired, and then the following sabotaging thoughts tend to occur for me:
'I'm treating myself'
'I'll start again tomorrow'
'I'm not sure I still want to do this diet'
'It's too hard'

The two main thinking mistakes that I think I make, which invariably follow these thoughts for me are:
Justification - 'I deserve to eat this because I'm so tired / had a really busy day / cycled to work and back'

Overly Positive Fortune Telling - 'I'll just have this little piece of chocolate / one milky way star, that will be enough to satisfy this craving and then I'll stop' (yeah, right.... and the rest of the packet... and maybe the next packet!)

Hmmm, I think I may need to make even more 'no choice' post it notes! Or just start actually obeying the ones I already have. I know I want to follow this diet, and I know that in the big scheme of things, that is more important to me than any milky way star or piece of chocolate.

Going forward, I'm going to try and be more aware of these thinking mistakes for me that follow the original sabotage moment, and remember my no choice message. These next 34lbs have got to be possible! I've already lost 102, so I'm exactly 75% of the way to 'healthy' for me!
Just gotta keep at it

 

[JennieC]

Yay Rachel! You are so close babe, it must be an amazing feeling! You're gonna feel so great when you smash through that goal weight well done on Beck today, she is a wise woman! xx

 

[notsoskinnymarge]

Aw I love your diary Rachel - you have a great way with words. Your feelings and thoughts resonate with me.

Ditto

Argggg, line failed this morning... but here's a new one
______________________________________________

I realised that I've been eating, mostly because I'm nervous. I'm currently going through the selection process to be ordained. I have the last stage of this selection in a few weeks time when I go away for the residential selection conference, which will be a few interviews, a presentation and some other written stuff. I have a practice session tonight with others in the local area, to run through our presentations. I'm feeling quite nervous about it, as it's obviously an important thing for me, and potentially changes everything that comes next!

What I hadn't connected was that those nerves were translating into cravings to eat chocolate. Having munched my way through some bits earlier when trying to get little one to sleep for her nap, I finally realised what was going on. I have now stopped eating the rubbish and actually started practicing the presentation, to give myself the best possible chance, rather than sabotaging myself on every front, by neither practicing the presentation and also eating rubbish!

OK, line drawn, back for another practice of the presentation, and looking forward to tonight, where hopefully I will get some useful feedback to help me refine the presentation before I have to do it for real in a few weeks time.

Also going to write some more 'no choice' post it notes and put them in the cupboard with little one's food!

Wow... nervous ?.
I am not sure I would have ate by being nervous.
I am not sure I would be able to realise it either.
Something to watch for eh

Slightly off topic....
Many years ago, I had to do some presentation type things on a course -
Part of the practise was to video our selves, so we could be our own critiques, before the official presentation.
I found that I am a glove puppets breakdancing partner , and spoke to quickly . You will be your own worst critic. I found it very worth while.

Oooopsy, wrote another essay! Congratulations if you made it through my brain dump

Never a chore to read what you write

 

[cybill]

It's crazy, I know I'm my own worst enemy. Having finally spent the time practicing and rewording the presentation, it was received really well by the group, and I don't need to change anything, which is great! I know, when I prepare well I can present well, as I do quite a lot at work; for some reason, where this one is really important to me, I was putting it off... I think perhaps because it is so important to me, I was a bit fearful of it, and resisting getting stuck into it. Anyway, having put some work into it, I'm really pleased. Now I just need to keep practicing a bit more over the next couple of weeks, before I have to do it for real.

Also I need to work out what to do about the diet while I'm away. I don't really want them to make judgements about me, because of the diet I've chosen, so not sure whether to just try and eat normally, or phone them up and see if I can arrange low carb food while I'm there. Haven't really decided yet, but I know I don't want to start eating bread / biscuits / cakes / carbs while I'm away, as for one thing I'll end up feeling really lethargic & sluggish, which is the last thing I want while I'm being assessed! It would be a shame to yawn through an interview.
All good fun

 

[cybill]

Beck day 27
This day looks like quite a lot of work. I have 7 questions to answer for each of my common sabotaging thoughts. I'll start with one of the ones I looked at yesterday.

'I'm treating myself'
'I'll start again tomorrow'
'I'm not sure I still want to do this diet'
'It's too hard'

'I'm treating myself'
1 - what kind of thinking error could I be making?
Justification - 'I deserve to eat this because I'm so tired / had a really busy day / cycled to work and back'

2 - What evidence is there that this thought might not be true.
It's not actually a treat to myself if I eat food, as that is not helping me achieve my goal or become the person I want to be

3 - Is there an alternative explanation or another way of viewing this?
I do deserve credit for cycling back from work today, but that does not mean that I need to treat myself with food. I could have a nice drink or give myself a manicure, or find another way to give myself credit for doing what I wanted to do.

4 - What is the most realistic outcome of this situation?
I'll feel good about myself when I tell myself 'NO CHOICE' about a food treat, and reward myself in other ways.

5 - What is the effect of my believing this thought and what could be the effect of my changed thinking?
If I believe this thought, then when I do things well I will eat foods that are not helpful to me. This will actually lead me to feel less well, and gain weight which is not how I want to reward myself for pursuing my goals. If I follow the changed thinking, I will feel so much better about myself as I will stick on the diet, lose weight, have cycled to work and have nicely painted nails, it's a win, win, win situation!

6 - What would I tell a close friend if she were in this situation and had this thought?
I would ask her to think about whether the food was actually treating herself, and whether there were other things that would make her actually feel better about herself.

7 - What should I do now?
Tell myself 'NO CHOICE', walk away from the fridge / cupboard / shop, find another way to pamper myself, log onto minimins, or phone a friend, something that will actually help me to feel better


So my short version is:
I will treat myself for following my plan and doing the things I want to do, by giving myself credit and doing things that make me feel better. Eating food is not treating myself and will make me feel worse. I will remind myself 'NO CHOICE' and I will get to a healthy weight!

And I now have even more post-it notes around the house - I think my friends are starting to realise I'm totally bonkers now!

The fridge now has a sign that say 'WALK AWAY, YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT ANYTHING',

and many others
Really hoping at weigh in tomorrow I've STS, and then plan to have a good loss next week (no going away, and only one meal out planned)

 

[Miss Mac]

Haha...I can imagine your house full of post it notes everywhere!!

Good luck at weigh in tomorrow, I hope the scales are kind to you!!..xx

 

[cybill]

I'm happy with weigh-in today, I've stayed the same. I'm pleased with that given the wobbles I had last week, and the meals out.

And yes, the house is a little covered in post-its (I'm a little post-it addicted as my colleagues at work would attest)

I found yesterday's Beck really helpful, so I think I may go through the 7 questions with some of my other sabotaging thoughts - particularly around 'I can't control my eating if there is an open packet of biscuits, box of chocolates....etc'

Time to play with little one now, but will be back later to try and work through that one. I see people all the time at work able to have just one biscuit, just one chocolate etc... so I know it can be possible, I need to work through what it is going on for me that lets me lose my control.

Hope you all have a good Saturday