Spanglymum
Gold Member
Have ordered myself a SAD lamp. It's on a trial period so full refund if it doesn't work! Hope it helps. Will try anything (within reason).
This is me! (Management diary)
- Thread starter Spanglymum
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Spanglymum
Gold Member
Well I survived the meetings. Clinging to thoughts of tomorrow evening off duty for once!! Then hubby and I are going out sat night. Hope I can make sensible food choices. Then it's into Christmas season next week, with the office party on Thursday and two Christmas lunches the following week. Hope I don't bounce straight back again!
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Feel like I'm definitely on the cusp of change, and it's difficult. Waaaah!!! :cry:I know it's what I need to do, but the mental battles are quite tiring.
I am so used to dealing with confrontation/anger/resentment or even potential confrontation/anger/resentment by withdrawing and using food/alcohol. It's really tough this time not to go back. When I did LLT I was completely "in the zone". I think I was finally so depressed about the state of my body that it was almost a no-brainer to keep going 100%. This time, it's really tough.
Hubby and I had another disagreement this morning - basically about the whole lie-in issue. He says he can't promise me a lie in because it depends how he feels on the day. I understand, but I don't like it. At all. It's not the same going to bed knowing you MIGHT have to get up - rather than knowing you definitely DON'T have to get up - but he doesn't see the difference.
Anyway - left the house feeling very sorry for myself. I can see the solution is for me to start going to bed even earlier every night - probably around 9pm - but I have real resentment about that. Even before the MS, my hubby used to wake at 5:30am and didn't understand that was difficult for me. Seems like when it comes to sleep I always have to do what suits him and I deeply resent it
. Feel like I'm never going to have an evening - getting home from work about 7pm, putting the girls to bed etc - get to sit down around 8pm unless cooking dinner...
Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, given our situation. But it does feel like I'm always the one to do the accomodating.
In spite of all that, I'm proud of myself though. I'm going to a hotel tonight to sleep - and the devil on my shoulder (and a couple of my friends!!!) suggested I get some wine (!) and some carbs (!) - just because I could. I was even having a battle with myself on the way to work this morning because I had to stop for fuel and I know the service station shop sells some snacks I REALLY like.
But I didn't do it! I got my fuel, took some deep breaths, paid, and left.
In the thick of it, it's almost like the anxiety about possibly doing something "naughty" becomes an overwhelming "problem" in its own right - and because I feel so anxious (even though completely self-induced) I feel the need to relieve the tension IMMEDIATELY.
But I don't have to. I breathed. I didn't do it. I'm going to go to the hotel tonight and have my bath bomb bath and my pack and an early night.
Phew this is hard!
I am so used to dealing with confrontation/anger/resentment or even potential confrontation/anger/resentment by withdrawing and using food/alcohol. It's really tough this time not to go back. When I did LLT I was completely "in the zone". I think I was finally so depressed about the state of my body that it was almost a no-brainer to keep going 100%. This time, it's really tough.
Hubby and I had another disagreement this morning - basically about the whole lie-in issue. He says he can't promise me a lie in because it depends how he feels on the day. I understand, but I don't like it. At all. It's not the same going to bed knowing you MIGHT have to get up - rather than knowing you definitely DON'T have to get up - but he doesn't see the difference.
Anyway - left the house feeling very sorry for myself. I can see the solution is for me to start going to bed even earlier every night - probably around 9pm - but I have real resentment about that. Even before the MS, my hubby used to wake at 5:30am and didn't understand that was difficult for me. Seems like when it comes to sleep I always have to do what suits him and I deeply resent it
. Feel like I'm never going to have an evening - getting home from work about 7pm, putting the girls to bed etc - get to sit down around 8pm unless cooking dinner...Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, given our situation. But it does feel like I'm always the one to do the accomodating.
In spite of all that, I'm proud of myself though. I'm going to a hotel tonight to sleep - and the devil on my shoulder (and a couple of my friends!!!) suggested I get some wine (!) and some carbs (!) - just because I could. I was even having a battle with myself on the way to work this morning because I had to stop for fuel and I know the service station shop sells some snacks I REALLY like.
But I didn't do it! I got my fuel, took some deep breaths, paid, and left.
In the thick of it, it's almost like the anxiety about possibly doing something "naughty" becomes an overwhelming "problem" in its own right - and because I feel so anxious (even though completely self-induced) I feel the need to relieve the tension IMMEDIATELY.
But I don't have to. I breathed. I didn't do it. I'm going to go to the hotel tonight and have my bath bomb bath and my pack and an early night.
Phew this is hard!
eatlikeabird
Silver Member
Good for ignoring the devil on your shoulder. Really enjoy your evening of no long drive home, your relaxing pampering evening and uninterupted sleep, and no long drive in the morning! Everyone deserves some me time, especially you.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Well I have to shamefacedly admit I caved in the end. Not massively. But enough. Up one pound at weigh in. Had a brilliant group though. Really not sure what's going on for me. So much anger and resentment!
I had two gin and slimline tonic cans, a mini bottle of wine, some cheesy biscuity pastry things, a bar of chocolate and some nuts. Thing is, even as I was going up the relevant aisles in the supermarket I KNEW I wasn't going to find what I was looking for there.
Talked at group today about hugs, and my LLC suggested wrapping yourself tightly in a shawl or blanket when you start to feel anxious and like you need a hug. I am going to try this this week.
On balance I'm not annoyed with myself re the lapse as I did so much thinking around it and in a way it was a mindful lapse, if that makes sense. Just don't know how to make things better.
I had two gin and slimline tonic cans, a mini bottle of wine, some cheesy biscuity pastry things, a bar of chocolate and some nuts. Thing is, even as I was going up the relevant aisles in the supermarket I KNEW I wasn't going to find what I was looking for there.
Talked at group today about hugs, and my LLC suggested wrapping yourself tightly in a shawl or blanket when you start to feel anxious and like you need a hug. I am going to try this this week.
On balance I'm not annoyed with myself re the lapse as I did so much thinking around it and in a way it was a mindful lapse, if that makes sense. Just don't know how to make things better.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Mixed. Hubby and I went out on Saturday night, which was lovely, but I could have done with getting back on packs straight away (my own fault though). Had a nice time and a good chat. Back 100% yesterday and today - feeling better already. I've got a busy couple of weeks coming up: work Christmas party this coming Thursday, and then two Christmas lunches next week. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow though: I booked the day off as it's my elder daughter's nativity play at school .
We got our new, adapted, motability car yesterday and it's amazing! I was dreading learning to drive an automatic (it has to be automatic so the hand controls will work for my husband) but it's FAB FAB FAB. I LOVE IT! We're not sure he's even going to be able to drive it though, despite the hand controls, as his eyesight is pretty poor at the moment.
Part of the weird moods/depression/anxiety of last week turned out to be hormonal. I came on about eight days early, which was really weird... guess it's the intensity of LLT that triggered it or something?
Good suggestion re my Mum, by the way, but she's 82, and even if she were younger she's not the most maternal (!) and doesn't "do" babysitting.
.We got our new, adapted, motability car yesterday and it's amazing! I was dreading learning to drive an automatic (it has to be automatic so the hand controls will work for my husband) but it's FAB FAB FAB. I LOVE IT!
We're not sure he's even going to be able to drive it though, despite the hand controls, as his eyesight is pretty poor at the moment.Part of the weird moods/depression/anxiety of last week turned out to be hormonal. I came on about eight days early, which was really weird... guess it's the intensity of LLT that triggered it or something?
Good suggestion re my Mum, by the way, but she's 82, and even if she were younger she's not the most maternal (!) and doesn't "do" babysitting.
Debbi8489
Silver Member
Your new car sounds fab. It'll be a shame if your husband isnt able to drive it.
I was the same when I started LL. I was about a week early. Very strange stuff lol.
Sorry that your mum cant help out. I do tend to assume that everyone's family is like my family. There are loads of us and we all chip in to help. I take it you dont have any sisters, brothers, cousins etc who could help? Or DH's family? I wish I was nearer you, then I'd help out!
I was the same when I started LL. I was about a week early. Very strange stuff lol.
Sorry that your mum cant help out. I do tend to assume that everyone's family is like my family. There are loads of us and we all chip in to help. I take it you dont have any sisters, brothers, cousins etc who could help? Or DH's family? I wish I was nearer you, then I'd help out!
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Awww that's so sweet of you! DH's family are up in Cheshire. I had a sister but she died a long time ago... A story for another time. We manage, one way and another...
I'm off to the GP tomorrow to ask about some more in depth CBT on the NHS. Not sure if it will be possible - either in terms of availability or time of day, but we'll see.
I'm off to the GP tomorrow to ask about some more in depth CBT on the NHS. Not sure if it will be possible - either in terms of availability or time of day, but we'll see.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Well, my GP has referred me back to the psychology service. I went there once before, when I had PND, but the group wasn't really looking at the kinds of issues I was dealing with so it wasn't that helpful. He says to be honest about that (!) and enquire whether any 1:1 sessions might be available. Not sure if they will be, but at least it's worth asking.
My SAD lamp arrived at the weekend and I think it's already possibly having an effect . Could be that last week was very much coloured by being mega-mega-hormonal, but whatever it is that has made the difference, I am grateful to be feeling more balanced this week.
Office party tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to another night in a hotel (get me!) and not having to do the long drive. Not sure how good the party will be though. There was an announcement recently about the company relocating (which works out brilliantly for me, but not at all for those who live locally, unfortunately) so morale is quite low...
My SAD lamp arrived at the weekend and I think it's already possibly having an effect
. Could be that last week was very much coloured by being mega-mega-hormonal, but whatever it is that has made the difference, I am grateful to be feeling more balanced this week.Office party tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to another night in a hotel (get me!) and not having to do the long drive. Not sure how good the party will be though. There was an announcement recently about the company relocating (which works out brilliantly for me, but not at all for those who live locally, unfortunately) so morale is quite low...
Spanglymum, just caught up with your diary and really really empathise with all the stuff you have been dealing with, and how strong you are, really deep down, you are opening up more which will be easier for you to deal with the emotional side of eating choices. I had nhs cbt before ( not food related) and found it very useful.
You have been so string, but don't get in the mind set of beating yourself up if you eat something higher in carbs etc, allow yourself no guilt!
Glad you are enjoying the new car, it will make such a difference when the weather gets a bit warmer.
I'm thinking if getting a sad lamp, been feeling down really since the clocks changed and it's just so dark! I love the cold weather, you can wrap up well and it's good to feel the cool air, so long as it's not raining.
Where did you get your lamp from?
Hope you enjoy your party tomorrow!
Jx
You have been so string, but don't get in the mind set of beating yourself up if you eat something higher in carbs etc, allow yourself no guilt!
Glad you are enjoying the new car, it will make such a difference when the weather gets a bit warmer.
I'm thinking if getting a sad lamp, been feeling down really since the clocks changed and it's just so dark! I love the cold weather, you can wrap up well and it's good to feel the cool air, so long as it's not raining.
Where did you get your lamp from?
Hope you enjoy your party tomorrow!
Jx
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Aaargh. Swings and roundabouts. I give myself SUCH a hard time when I make mistakes. Got some stats wrong today at work and feeling so embarassed and ashamed and dreadful. Ugh. Feel such a fool. I'm used to being in control, being the one who has the answers. Doing a new job, with new methods and processes, is tough! Got the party this evening. I will be eating carbs as I want to have a couple of glasses of wine and it would be silly to be in ketosis and drink alcohol - dangerous really. I've had some oat cakes earlier today and some fruit, and will be having a big Christmas meal with everyone. I'm ok with that. I think it's sensible/practical (dare I say it "fun"?!), rather than an "acting out" binge.
Still feeling terrible though. I give myself such a hard time!
The lamp was from Lumie. They're one of a handful of companies who make lamps that are certified as medical devices (ie they emit enough lux to be clinically useful).
Still feeling terrible though. I give myself such a hard time!
The lamp was from Lumie. They're one of a handful of companies who make lamps that are certified as medical devices (ie they emit enough lux to be clinically useful).
eatlikeabird
Silver Member
Hi Spangly,
I was brought up that I had to try to get 100% at everything, and it made me a bit of a perfectionist. When I worked for a world wide corporation they actually said I HAD to accept ambiguity and things should be 80/20. It was really hard for me, but probably a good thing to try to get my head around. Now as I've gotten older I can see its probably more realistic that things are 80/20 than 100% at everything. All or nothing thinking puts stress where it doesn't have to be.
I hope you have a great xmas party and really enjoy yourself. Enjoy your meal, your plan is healthy and well thought out.
I was brought up that I had to try to get 100% at everything, and it made me a bit of a perfectionist. When I worked for a world wide corporation they actually said I HAD to accept ambiguity and things should be 80/20. It was really hard for me, but probably a good thing to try to get my head around. Now as I've gotten older I can see its probably more realistic that things are 80/20 than 100% at everything. All or nothing thinking puts stress where it doesn't have to be.
I hope you have a great xmas party and really enjoy yourself. Enjoy your meal, your plan is healthy and well thought out.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Hmm... perhaps not so healthy after all. VERY VERY hungover!! :sign0137: People have been brilliant at work today though - everyone's in the same boat. It was a fabulous party. I got LOADS of compliments too . Wore my black jumpsuit and a feathery cape thing (actually a bedspread from TK Maxx - so classy lol) and loads of red lippy and false eyelashes. Get me! Was an amazing night. Just not so good today. I hate the feelings of insecurity that come with a hangover!
Funny seeing people reduced to mere shells of themselves today - and so thankful it's not just me! That's the worst, isn't it? Thinking you're the only one. But I've had some messages from my team today saying how cool they think I am because I was dancing and drinking (I think they all think I'm a bit "strict" because normally I don't eat biscuits etc that we have round the office). Good times!
. Wore my black jumpsuit and a feathery cape thing (actually a bedspread from TK Maxx - so classy lol) and loads of red lippy and false eyelashes. Get me! Was an amazing night. Just not so good today. I hate the feelings of insecurity that come with a hangover!Funny seeing people reduced to mere shells of themselves today - and so thankful it's not just me! That's the worst, isn't it? Thinking you're the only one. But I've had some messages from my team today saying how cool they think I am because I was dancing and drinking (I think they all think I'm a bit "strict" because normally I don't eat biscuits etc that we have round the office). Good times!
eatlikeabird
Silver Member
That is so good. Glad you enjoyed yourself, you deserve it.
Also glad that it was a good bonding experience with your colleagues, even commiserating over the hangovers together...
Also glad that it was a good bonding experience with your colleagues, even commiserating over the hangovers together...
Hey, glad you were able to let your hair down and enjoyed your self, and what a breakthrough your team have seen the other side of you too! Brilliant.
I agree with the other comments, it's impossible to be 100% all the time and still live. I was reading back over your diary, you really have come so so far, keep going in the same direction, even if you wander off the path a little, have your goal in sight. Sometimes we need to step back a bit to see what we have achieved, when you are in the middle of it, sometimes seems you are always battling, and it's never ending, then suddenly there is a breakthrough and things ease a little.
Keep looking forward, and easy to say, but chill if you could get away and have a good nights sleep, even once a month to start would lift your spirits and something to look forward too.
Hope your hangover is gone!!
Jx
I agree with the other comments, it's impossible to be 100% all the time and still live. I was reading back over your diary, you really have come so so far, keep going in the same direction, even if you wander off the path a little, have your goal in sight. Sometimes we need to step back a bit to see what we have achieved, when you are in the middle of it, sometimes seems you are always battling, and it's never ending, then suddenly there is a breakthrough and things ease a little.
Keep looking forward, and easy to say, but chill if you could get away and have a good nights sleep, even once a month to start would lift your spirits and something to look forward too.
Hope your hangover is gone!!
Jx
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Hmm. Now wrestling with intense feelings of guilt and embarrassment :-(. Just not like me to go mad like that! Aargh. I like being in control. What s wrong with me? Why did I not switch to mineral water?!
eatlikeabird
Silver Member
Aw Spangly, allow yourself a night off, guilt free. Don't feel embarrassed, think of it as bonding with colleagues. Challenge this thinking, do you go out every night and overindulge? no. I bet its once in a blue moon, so hold onto the fact that on the night you enjoyed yourself and sod the guilty thoughts. You are the adult that made a choice to enjoy yourself at a party and get rid of the controlling parent thoughts.
