This is me! (Management diary)

[Spanglymum]

Not v good at the guilt free thing! Yes, it's once in a very blue moon. Could count the number of big nights out like that I've had in the past few years on one hand easily. Sigh. Just feel foolish. Hmm. I'll survive! Spent some time tidy up at home and sorting out my overnight bag from the hotel night and feel a bit better and more organised again. Just really really shouldn't have got that drunk.

A lesson? Maybe? About how I prefer to be?

 

[Spanglymum]

Gradually recovering... What a numpty, eh?! I'm sure I'll survive - just feel very stupid. Busy week ahead too. Am hoping it will cheer me up a bit though. The worst thing is thinking (imagining) that my colleagues now think I'm rubbish - even though I know some of them think I'm fab and fun! We have three Christmas lunches this week, so I hope at least one of them will reassure me that I'm not persona non grata after drinking too much. For one thing I will be tee total each day anyway as I drive to/from work.

Two weeks to go. No idea where this year has gone! And what a year it's been. On the whole very positive for me I think. I'm so glad to have done lighter life - and to still have the group support. It means more than ever to me during maintenance, and particularly when feeling a bit insecure!

 

[eatlikeabird]

There you go, what a positive affirmation, 'they thing I'm fab and fun'.
You have achieved so much, you are a real inspiration. Keep focused on all the positives.

 

[Spanglymum]

Easier said than done, to focus on positive affirmations. I seem to only just be unpeeling these onion layers and finding more and more ingrained behaviours. We were talking at group on Saturday about giving ourselves a Christmas present - not a material thing - and I think I'd like to give myself a break!! I have a lot of "critical parent" going on, and it's time I put her aside I think. It's so counterproductive. My rebellious child gets sparked and then I act out.

Thing is, it's weird, all this self-discovery. It's much easier to carry on as "normal" and not to question anything. This is much more thought provoking and unsettling. Find myself feeling quite insecure at times. Also I want to be kind to myself as next week is the anniversary of my sister's death, which is always an emotional time for me.

My poor husband. He put on a Christmas MP3 collection at the weekend, and unbeknownst (? is that a word?!) to him, one of the songs was one we had at my sister's funeral. I think it's better to find myself weeping at the breakfast table with my family round me, rather than raiding the biscuit jar/opening wine on my own at night... but it's all new and unfamiliar too.

 

[eatlikeabird]

Hi Spangly, big Hug. Do be kind you yourself especially at this time. And well done peeling back the layers, you will change your old patterns with all the work you are doing.

 

[Spanglymum]

Well, today looks like being a lovely day, one way and another. I have a big team meeting this morning - but one that I hope will be fun and constructive, as we're doing lots of planning for next year. Then ANOTHER Christmas lunch (had one yesterday as well) at a local golf club - and then I've asked to leave early as it's my daughter's school carol service back home this evening and I want to get back in time for it.

Had a wobbly morning though. Not emotionally - more practically. My husband had a nasty fall and banged his head. He's ok - but it was quite dramatic and bled a lot. He's promised me not to overdo it today. All he has to do on a Wednesday is take our eldest to school and the youngest to nursery, so once he's done that he can lie in bed all day if he needs to!

Scary though. But it's strange. When kind-of "crisis" stuff like that happens, I'm all calm and organised and in control and on top of things. Maybe because it's not to do with me? With how I'm feeling? So I'm ok?

(and I am. Ok I mean. Been working on the "Mood Gym" online - my GP recommended it to me as getting time off for psychology appointments may be tricky to organise - and it's really really good. It's lots of CBT exercises to work through in your own time. Very thought provoking and helpful.)

 

[nzmegs]

Hello Spangly. I have been reading through some of your diary and I have to say you are an inspiration. Not only have you reached your goal, but you haven't stopped working on yourself. You seem to have realised that keeping weight off is a long term struggle and one which you seem to be beating with lots of self reflection.

I am just on week two of my journey and while I have a shorter distance to travel, I expect i will learn more about myself than any other diet could offer me.

I am also "in control" when bad or scary things happen. I often fall apart later though. So keep an eye on yourself and see if being in crises mode has had any effects later on. I hope your husband has recovered and is looking after himself.

My husband is a tradesman and is always hurting himself. he comes home with cuts and bruises all the time. He also has several dents in his head from various accidents! I do worry about him, but they are more resilient than we give them credit for. I bet your husband will not take the opportunity for a lie-in. If he is anything like mine he will carry on as normal!

 

[Spanglymum]

You are very kind to say I'm an "inspiration". Nice to think my diary might actually be useful!

My husband has MS so when he takes a tumble it can be quite nerve-wracking as I immediately worry it's the start of a relapse (which isn't always the case of course). Earlier this year he had a very bad fall and developed a severe haematoma, which compromised his walking even more than normal. He's only just been signed off again by the physio and it was over six months ago. The result is he's still using a walking frame and has never managed to go back to using his walking stick as he just doesn't feel stable enough.

Came on here to have a whinge but having written that feel mean. Hubby forgets to organise evening meals so food goes out of date. Have just had a text from him to that effect. Why do I feel it's my responsibility somehow, even though I don't get home in the evening til about 7pm? I wonder if "forgetting" to cook things is his way of asking me to help? aargh. Game-playing?

Thing is, I guess I know it makes sense for me to do more of the cooking as he finds it difficult, but I resent it, as I am out from 6:30am to 6:45pm every day and come home quite tired, whereas at least two days a week he's at home on his own all day while one daughter is at nursery and one at school. If that was me, I'd be cooking on those two days and freezing the meals. Harrumph.

 

[Spanglymum]

I think I need some time OFF! Feeling very frazzled again today, despite having rescheduled some meetings and cleared up my diary a bit, freeing up some time for some actual work. A bit out of my comfort zone, constantly, with this new job. I'm doing ok I think but it's not easy! I have to give a presentation tomorrow and also prepare one for Monday... gah. I've also got lots of projects to get moving but I seem to be paralysed by procrastination and indecision. Sort of overwhelmed.

 

[Spanglymum]

Well, came down with a major bug overnight and had to stay at home on Friday. Still not 100% but reckon I ought to go back tomorrow as it's my big quarterly staff meeting. Tired! One week to go to Christmas though. Am so excited on my girls' behalf. Really looking forward to it.

 

[eatlikeabird]

Get well soon...hope you are feeling better.

 

[Spanglymum]

Well, surviving, but made a mistake at work last week and have just had feedback about it which was perfectly fair and kindly given but has left me feeling a bit sorry for myself :cry:. I know it's an opportunity for growth but I don't feel like growing today! Waaaaaa!

Also had some very positive feedback about a meeting I chaired this morning (typical "sandwich" approach to feedback giving lol) but I still feel rubbish .

On a different note, I've just finished reading "A Million Little Pieces" which is amazing. I know it's embellished truth, but it's a fascinating story about the addict's mind and rational recovery.

 

[Spanglymum]

Was very sad yesterday as it was the anniversary of my big sister's sudden, unexpected death in 1984. It wasn't until I found myself openly weeping in the car on the commute home last night that I realised I'm turning another corner: I am not too scared to feel the grief.

I used to do anything to numb the pain (and no matter the sentimental 'time is a great healer' etc sayings, the pain doesn't get any less, you just learn to accept it as part of you and continue in spite of it as life is such an amazing gift) but yesterday I really felt it again. I have to admit to stopping at services and buying a Crunchie bar, but compared to what I might have done in the past I think that was something of a breakthrough. I also had an Irish coffee later, which was delicious, and didn't lead to further alcohol consumption. I enjoyed it, and stopped. Brilliant!

 

[Spanglymum]

Well. What can I say? Found out last night that my sister in law has terminal cancer and six months to live at best.

 

[eatlikeabird]

Sorry for that awful news. Some families have it so hard.

 

[Debbi8489]

Oh **** Spangly. I'm so sorry to hear that (((hugs)))

 

[Spanglymum]

On a totally flippant and more lighthearted note, here is me being "papped" at the start of our work "Hollywood" Christmas party!

 

[nzmegs]

Oh Spangly, I am so sorry to hear about your SIL. What an awful time of the year to find out such news, but a great time of the year to be thankful for what is good in our own lives. it certainly puts things into perspective.

I hope you can still have a good christmas. I guess all I can say is that everyone needs to make the day as special as possible for your SIL and to create some amazing memories.

 

[Stapo60]

Superb reading keep it up.

 

[Debbi8489]

On a totally flippant and more lighthearted note, here is me being "papped" at the start of our work "Hollywood" Christmas party!

Love it! You look gorgeous!