Got to say I love the clarity that comes with packs. I had begun to realise I have a critical parent/rebellious child battle going on in my head most of the time - but didn't realise how LOUD the critical parent is. ALL THE TIME!
That's one of the reasons LLT is such a relief: I'm being a "good girl" foodwise so no one can tell me off.
Brought up loads of stuff today from the past... thing is I've always "blamed" my sister's unexpected death for my issues... which is only partly true. The REAL issue, is my parents were on at each other all the time, bickering, fighting, miserable (I used to hear my Mum weeping in the bathroom in the small hours), drinking, fighting... then putting on a "respectable" face and going to church. I was so scared, most of the time (except at school). I never knew when I would have unexpectedly stepped out of line and get yelled at or smacked or sent to my room. Ok not major abuse maybe but emotionally very very damaging.
There was NO emotional closeness. Even now my Mum doesn't really know how to do a hug - she digs her fingernails into my shoulders and it's all awkward and unpleasant.
Nothing was/is ever good enough. "I don't want to praise you as you might get big headed." "Pity you didn't get an A" (when I got a B), and when I try to fish for compliments
rolleyes
, realising I have actually achieved quite a lot in my life and am quite proud of myself, she says, "yes you have been lucky, haven't you?" like it's all fallen into my plate (good metaphor).
Thing is - my sister "was" my Mum, kind of. She was almost six years older than me, and whilst not at all perfect (!) was emotionally warm and comforting and available. When she died I felt all alone.
My poor poor inner child :cry:. Feel so sad realising all this - but also amazingly empowered and positive. Roll on ketosis!
Now to write out some positive affirmations on post-its (a tip from another group member yesterday) and get them up round the house. I am lovely! I am successful! I am actually, I am!
