Welcome to my world ...
- Thread starter shysarah
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shysarah
Silver Member
Time to talk.. this is the emotional messy side of my head so if you want to skip along feel free. This is more for my benefit of getting it out than anything else.
Im not going to work today. Rang in sick because of stress. Saw my occupational health nurse at work a couple of weeks back because I was struggling, we spoke I filled in a stress self assessment - which was tbh a waste of time. I have tried for 2 weeks almost daily to get a one to one appointment with my boss so I could tell him about the problems I am having and it just hasnt happened.
I have been coming home everyday exhausted, stressed, depressed and generally feel like as each day goes by I am getting deeper and deeper into a depressive mood I cannot shake. I have depression, take anti depressants and have had these peaks and troughs in my mood since my early 20s. This one is hard. Got so bad last night I was a real mess. Then I decided I need time out.
From past experiences I know I need to shout for help early when I recognise the signs and despite having done so I am only getting worse not better. I do not want to end up as mentally unstable as I have before where taking my own life has been my only thought and I have tried, many times. Therefore this time I m taking myself out of the stress of work, seeing my GP this afternoon and am going to try hard to deal with this before it becomes too much.
It is not easy. I am sat here feeling guilty for letting down my colleagues - I seem to excel in self blame and guilt. I feel ashamed, like I am a humiliation to my parents 'the mental daughter that cant cope with normal life,' they have never said that, and mum has reassured me regardless she thinks this is the right thing to do for my health now but I think that.
Its so hard to describe to someone who has never felt it, its like I have a voice in my head thats moaning at me, laughing at me and giving me derogatory feedback about what a waste I am 24/7. I am frightened of people. Of being judged and people thinking I am a failure, pathetic, weak. All I want is to curl up in my bed and stay there, so I dont have to speak to anyone, so no one can see me but even then that voice keeps on at me.
I get scared about everything. The phone ringing, someone knocking at the door, of being alone in a supermarket, hell in the past I even had panic attacks in a supermarket when I lost my mum.. I am 34 not 3!
There is also the physical things. I have a headache it has been with me for 3/4 days now, my sleep is erratic I either sleep lots or hardly at all.. Since I woke yesterday morning at 0215am I have had 5 hours sleep. I feel tired but cant actually fall asleep. My appetite is a bit mad too, I am either so hungry I want to binge on non sw food or I just have no desire to eat at all.
I feel angry. With me mostly but also with other people. Its like the world is going out of its way to do things just to annoy me!
Sounds so silly when I write it all down like this but this is an outlet I have and need so I totally understand those of you who wish to stop reading me for a while.
xx
Im not going to work today. Rang in sick because of stress. Saw my occupational health nurse at work a couple of weeks back because I was struggling, we spoke I filled in a stress self assessment - which was tbh a waste of time. I have tried for 2 weeks almost daily to get a one to one appointment with my boss so I could tell him about the problems I am having and it just hasnt happened.
I have been coming home everyday exhausted, stressed, depressed and generally feel like as each day goes by I am getting deeper and deeper into a depressive mood I cannot shake. I have depression, take anti depressants and have had these peaks and troughs in my mood since my early 20s. This one is hard. Got so bad last night I was a real mess. Then I decided I need time out.
From past experiences I know I need to shout for help early when I recognise the signs and despite having done so I am only getting worse not better. I do not want to end up as mentally unstable as I have before where taking my own life has been my only thought and I have tried, many times. Therefore this time I m taking myself out of the stress of work, seeing my GP this afternoon and am going to try hard to deal with this before it becomes too much.
It is not easy. I am sat here feeling guilty for letting down my colleagues - I seem to excel in self blame and guilt. I feel ashamed, like I am a humiliation to my parents 'the mental daughter that cant cope with normal life,' they have never said that, and mum has reassured me regardless she thinks this is the right thing to do for my health now but I think that.
Its so hard to describe to someone who has never felt it, its like I have a voice in my head thats moaning at me, laughing at me and giving me derogatory feedback about what a waste I am 24/7. I am frightened of people. Of being judged and people thinking I am a failure, pathetic, weak. All I want is to curl up in my bed and stay there, so I dont have to speak to anyone, so no one can see me but even then that voice keeps on at me.
I get scared about everything. The phone ringing, someone knocking at the door, of being alone in a supermarket, hell in the past I even had panic attacks in a supermarket when I lost my mum.. I am 34 not 3!
There is also the physical things. I have a headache it has been with me for 3/4 days now, my sleep is erratic I either sleep lots or hardly at all.. Since I woke yesterday morning at 0215am I have had 5 hours sleep. I feel tired but cant actually fall asleep. My appetite is a bit mad too, I am either so hungry I want to binge on non sw food or I just have no desire to eat at all.
I feel angry. With me mostly but also with other people. Its like the world is going out of its way to do things just to annoy me!
Sounds so silly when I write it all down like this but this is an outlet I have and need so I totally understand those of you who wish to stop reading me for a while.
xx
Lucy J
Silver Member
Sarah sorry to hear that your in this place at the moment and although you feel out of control, it seems you are doing the right thing about taking time out and going to see your Gp.
I can totally understand where your coming from, I had a total breakdown 6 yrs ago and it took me along time before I could function again. I would panic about doing anything.I totally relate to the supermarket incident.
And talk away on here if it helps!
Big hugs xxx
Sent from my iPhone
1st weigh in 24/6/13 -1lb (-57lb)
1/7/13 - 3lb (60lb)
8/7/13 - sts
I can totally understand where your coming from, I had a total breakdown 6 yrs ago and it took me along time before I could function again. I would panic about doing anything.I totally relate to the supermarket incident.
And talk away on here if it helps!
Big hugs xxx
Sent from my iPhone
1st weigh in 24/6/13 -1lb (-57lb)
1/7/13 - 3lb (60lb)
8/7/13 - sts
shysarah
Silver Member
Thanks Lucy, it means a lot to hear I am not alone.
I know a lot of people suffer this but its not easy to realise when you feel like it.
I am at my Drs today at 16.10. I have had a text from the nurse at work offering an ear and the possibility of seeing their counsellor again if I need to. I have let her know I will think about it when my head is a bit more stable. I just need to switch off for a little while and spend some time focusing on me.
My mum is great but I know finds it hard. She has been prompting me this morning - my car needs washing, my house needs tidying, my garden needs attention. I know she is trying to keep my head occupied and I do love her for it but I find it so hard to focus on those things right now. I want to do them but even making myself some food right now seems like climbing a mountain.
Food though is one thing I have to work hard on. This would be an easy time to slip and just eat rubbish but I need to keep healthy physically to manage this mental struggle.
Have had an alpen light for breakfast, have a fruit salad I made for work in the fridge sol have that ready. Am going to have a ham salad for dinner.
Going to set myself little goals to build me back up. (Techniques I learnt from previous depressive episodes)
Today I will see my Dr, eat healthy and take mum to strawberry picking field after dr (its very close) and help her to pick some.
That is all I have to do today.
Its the stress of having so much to do at work and so much pressure on myself that gets me bad. Hope this helps.
I know a lot of people suffer this but its not easy to realise when you feel like it.
I am at my Drs today at 16.10. I have had a text from the nurse at work offering an ear and the possibility of seeing their counsellor again if I need to. I have let her know I will think about it when my head is a bit more stable. I just need to switch off for a little while and spend some time focusing on me.
My mum is great but I know finds it hard. She has been prompting me this morning - my car needs washing, my house needs tidying, my garden needs attention. I know she is trying to keep my head occupied and I do love her for it but I find it so hard to focus on those things right now. I want to do them but even making myself some food right now seems like climbing a mountain.
Food though is one thing I have to work hard on. This would be an easy time to slip and just eat rubbish but I need to keep healthy physically to manage this mental struggle.
Have had an alpen light for breakfast, have a fruit salad I made for work in the fridge sol have that ready. Am going to have a ham salad for dinner.
Going to set myself little goals to build me back up. (Techniques I learnt from previous depressive episodes)
Today I will see my Dr, eat healthy and take mum to strawberry picking field after dr (its very close) and help her to pick some.
That is all I have to do today.
Its the stress of having so much to do at work and so much pressure on myself that gets me bad. Hope this helps.
ooooh strawberries mmmm yum yum, hope you sending me some tomorrow. lol
hope you doing ok, try and keep busy if you can or have a nice elemis bath time!!!
:character00182
r go for nice drive, windows down and loud music!
hey good luck for weigh in, will be up from 6.30 so will expect a text !!!
:sign0168: love ya sis xxx
hope you doing ok, try and keep busy if you can or have a nice elemis bath time!!!
:character00182
r go for nice drive, windows down and loud music! hey good luck for weigh in, will be up from 6.30 so will expect a text !!!
:sign0168: love ya sis xxx
shysarah
Silver Member
Thanks all for your kind words. It is so nice to know I have you all here and you care x
Good news from GP about my blood glucose. Originally was 10 - pre sw, Now it is 6! Thats nearly half. He was really pleased when I told him about sw and how much weight I have lost now. He said to keep on it and I am now out of the diabetes danger zone.
He was very supportive about my depression, he has signed me off until 22nd, which is 10 days. He has increased my anti depressants too, which makes me sad but I guess I need them now. I struggle with acceptance with my depression.:raincloud:
Took mum strawberry picking and yes sis... :sign0168: tooo and helped mum pull a basket full to bring with her tomorrow. Well what her and dad dont devour tonight.
Oh was silly tonight.. got chicken out the oven and caught my knuckle on the shelf.. burny.. shoved it in the sink and then put some aloe vera on it. Didnt notice I had hit my inside wrist on the door too and now have a 3 inch burn on my wrist...! Stupid!
Food
B - Alpen light
L - Ham and cottage cheese salad + 2 syns salad cream
T - Chicken salad, cheese hexa, + Mayo 1 syn and salad cream 1 syn
S - 2 mini twisters - 5 syns, Bowl of strawberries - SSF, mini dairy milk - 5.5 syns
14.5 syns
My cousin invited me to a bbq at hers tomorrow, I wanted to say no but she talked me round. She understands my depression and reminded me being alone is the worst thing I can do right now.
Hot isnt it.. been drinking lots and lots and sat in front of the fan. Maybe next year when its so hot I can wear shorts and stuff and not need to cover up so. xx
Good news from GP about my blood glucose. Originally was 10 - pre sw, Now it is 6! Thats nearly half. He was really pleased when I told him about sw and how much weight I have lost now. He said to keep on it and I am now out of the diabetes danger zone.
He was very supportive about my depression, he has signed me off until 22nd, which is 10 days. He has increased my anti depressants too, which makes me sad but I guess I need them now. I struggle with acceptance with my depression.:raincloud:
Took mum strawberry picking and yes sis... :sign0168: tooo and helped mum pull a basket full to bring with her tomorrow. Well what her and dad dont devour tonight.
Oh was silly tonight.. got chicken out the oven and caught my knuckle on the shelf.. burny.. shoved it in the sink and then put some aloe vera on it. Didnt notice I had hit my inside wrist on the door too and now have a 3 inch burn on my wrist...! Stupid!
Food
B - Alpen light
L - Ham and cottage cheese salad + 2 syns salad cream
T - Chicken salad, cheese hexa, + Mayo 1 syn and salad cream 1 syn
S - 2 mini twisters - 5 syns, Bowl of strawberries - SSF, mini dairy milk - 5.5 syns
14.5 syns
My cousin invited me to a bbq at hers tomorrow, I wanted to say no but she talked me round. She understands my depression and reminded me being alone is the worst thing I can do right now.
Hot isnt it.. been drinking lots and lots and sat in front of the fan. Maybe next year when its so hot I can wear shorts and stuff and not need to cover up so. xx
Siggy74
Silver Member
I said a similar thing last week to my sister... how my broken heart helped with my weight loss. The darkness, the pain. Who knew eh! Joking aside...Hope today is better for you
And very well done on your 4lb loss. You can so do this, you're doing it
and in less than 8 weeks! With everything you deal with at work and how you feel right now that really is a fantastic achievement in a short space of time. Really pleased for you. Enjoy the BBQ xx
Jackie65
Full Member
sorry to hear life is crappy at the moment Sarah, hang in there, sounds like your family are a great support for you, on the positive side 4 lbs is amazing and your 1 1/2 stone award, well done you its taken me a year to lose 3 stone at the rate your going you will do that in a fraction of the time. I know the promotion would be a great achievement but maybe you need to get away from that place and start afresh somewhere that people appreciate you....jsut a thought x
PandaNate
Silver Member
I cant write much right now but I know how most of that post reads... ill reply more after work tomorrow. Xx
PandaNate
Silver Member
Heya.
So back to your post, I've felt a lot of that and I certainly carry the weight of disappointment on my shoulders. Any customer complaint, any time I mess up at work I feel like i've let the entire company down and as my partner tells me, I owe them nothing because they treat me so badly, yet I still try 100% to be a good employee, I threatened to leave over Saturday but would I have? Would I of not gone in? Course I would of... because I'm afraid of disappointing people! It gets me down badly.
I've kinda lost the plot, I think I've been off plan 1 week and I tried to get back on today and ended up going over syns by 3 because I ate before I syned... shocked at the amount of syns in everything. I went over with a slush puppy!!
So back to your post, I've felt a lot of that and I certainly carry the weight of disappointment on my shoulders. Any customer complaint, any time I mess up at work I feel like i've let the entire company down and as my partner tells me, I owe them nothing because they treat me so badly, yet I still try 100% to be a good employee, I threatened to leave over Saturday but would I have? Would I of not gone in? Course I would of... because I'm afraid of disappointing people! It gets me down badly.
I've kinda lost the plot, I think I've been off plan 1 week and I tried to get back on today and ended up going over syns by 3 because I ate before I syned... shocked at the amount of syns in everything. I went over with a slush puppy!!
shysarah
Silver Member
Hey all
Bless ya Panda, seems we are similar in that respect.
Yesterday I was off plan I think, had eggs on toast, then went to a bbq. Tbh that was all i ate so if i did go over it wasnt by much.
Finding it hard to eat at the moment. No desire to do anything, even preparing a meal is too much.
Food..
L - Pasta n sauce, with spring onions, tomatoes, ham and mange tout added + 2 syns ketchup and alpen light
T - Cheese hexa salad, ham, egg and salad cream - 2 syns.
Just got no appetite so having that was hard work.
But then again I am craving - bread, crisps & dips, chocolate. YAY
The side effects of increasing my meds are driving me nuts - i am like a zombie, not sure if this or feeling on the edge all the time is worse.
nothing else to say but thanks x
Bless ya Panda, seems we are similar in that respect.
Yesterday I was off plan I think, had eggs on toast, then went to a bbq. Tbh that was all i ate so if i did go over it wasnt by much.
Finding it hard to eat at the moment. No desire to do anything, even preparing a meal is too much.
Food..
L - Pasta n sauce, with spring onions, tomatoes, ham and mange tout added + 2 syns ketchup and alpen light
T - Cheese hexa salad, ham, egg and salad cream - 2 syns.
Just got no appetite so having that was hard work.
But then again I am craving - bread, crisps & dips, chocolate. YAY
The side effects of increasing my meds are driving me nuts - i am like a zombie, not sure if this or feeling on the edge all the time is worse.
nothing else to say but thanks x
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