Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

[westiegirl]

Wednesday 4th April 2007 - A Very Pleasant Evening!

Well today I am still learning about my habits and have been since last night. I'm building up my own little library of bad eating habits in my head.

Last night I was out with my brother watching the footie (fantastic result btw ) and we had some tea out. I had a chicken wrap with potato wedges.

Habit Number 6: If there is food left on a plate it HAS to be eaten. I am not hungry but I will pick at the leftovers. They look at me and say EAT ME! And forget Mrs CB, I don't have an internal struggle about it I just eat them. My hand goes to the plate and they are eaten without me even realising. Last night I did struggle with Mrs CB because I was making myself aware of it. Mrs CB won I'm afraid, but I'm still learning!

The atmosphere in the pub was dire so we moved to the snooker club to watch the 2nd half of the footie and drank some more. Got a bit tipsy and as the evening progressed my brother and I started egging each other on and had a right laugh. Finally left the pub at 1am, because there was nowhere else to go lolol. Staggered back to my bros and had a coffee and some toast.

Habit number 7: Post alcohol = eating. Can't come home p*ssed and not eat (or even not p*ssed). It just isn't done! Usually it involves chips if the chipshop is still open, if not it involves toast at home. Last night consisted of toast at my bros then leftover sweet and sour chicken at my mum's! Not hungry at all, just what I always do! Besides it soaks up alcohol lolol!!!

Woke up this morning and actually felt ok. Miracle of miracles! Went to work and had to stop and buy "breakfast" to soak up the hangover (coronation chicken roll this morning - lovely breakfast choice). In Spar I still had to buy treats but I decided to make healthier choices - bought a yogurt instead of cheesecake and a highlights choc bar instead of a galaxy little bit extra. Progress I thought! I had to buy stuff incase I got hungry. I HATE being hungry. It's unpleasant and it frightens me! Don't like it at all.

Habit number 8: Eat food "just in case" you get hungry! It might actually do me damage to be hungry LOLOL!!!! Not!

Work was OK, but I kept thinking it was Thursday (wishful thinking). Came home and parked outside the house. Couldn't see my Dad's car and the front door was closed. Oh goody, no one was in.

Habit number 9: When alone in the house eat as much as you can in secret and no one will ever know and judge you! This is especially potent when combined with habit number 5 (hometime=binge). So hometime alone = MEGA BINGE! I actually can recall the same feeling now of excitement of the prospect of having the house to myself! I can actually see that I did the same this Sunday just gone. I felt the same surge of excitement when my Mum and Dad went out to my Nana's. I can actually see myself standing at the window in my lounge getting agitated waiting for them to leave so I can go down to the kitchen and raid the fridge. It was such a reaction (the same as today when I saw the door closed) I felt as if I was a drug addict! I was pacing and wishing them to hurry up! It seems ridiculous and laughable writing it down but my goodness, it is also quite scary!

Luckily my Dad's car was parked around the back and the door had just blown shut. Everyone was in and I didn't have a binge at all. I can't say with certainty though that if I had been alone that I wouldn't have cleared out the fridge! Did have a sandwich for my tea but haven't eaten since.

Have spent a very lovely evening though in the company of AmandaJayne. We met at Wetherspoons for a coffee and a chat. Recognised her immediately from her picture and she looks as fantastic in real life. Put me to shame! Will so have to get back on the wagon and get this sorted!

We chatted until 10pm and she has given me a copy of her management book because there is some inspirational things in it. I will take a copy of some of them and the good news is that we will have to meet up again next week so I can give it back to her.

Finally, have been in contact with Matt since last night and have straightened some things out. I texted him again today and he has asked me if I wanted to go to Chester for the day on Friday. Told him I'd think about it and let him know. Might be nice. I like him but I'm not sure if I like him that much! Last night in the pub (especially with beer goggles) there was lots of interesting looking prospects! My thoughts about Matt last night were "could do better" LOLOL, Mich will know what I mean!!!

I definately have a cold so I might be too ill to go anyway, but I said I'd let him know tomorrow!

Well I was only going to write a small post, but as usual I've rambled!

Feel quite proud that tonight whilst sitting with AJ and drinking coffee, although we talked about food (amongst other things) I didn't actually want to eat anything! In fact I've come home and am just sitting in my bed. I'm not craving food at all (starting to feel a little peckish now but being hungry won't kill me!). Is this progress, slow but still progress? Ask me again in 2 weeks when I'm crabbit again!

 

[Mich]

I know EXACTLY wot u mean....

Thanks so much for your texts today re the job.... much appreciated.....

Speak soon..... (btw if you haven't been Chester is lovely....nice shops.... ) If he can stand shopping for the day then maybee he's not sooo bad...lolol

Love

 

[westiegirl]

I know EXACTLY wot u mean....

Thanks so much for your texts today re the job.... much appreciated.....

Speak soon..... (btw if you haven't been Chester is lovely....nice shops.... ) If he can stand shopping for the day then maybee he's not sooo bad...lolol

Love

Let me know when you hear about the job! Got everything crossed for you! You sooooo deserve it!

I know Chester quite well and it is lovely. Used to be the place to go shopping when I was a kid (less than an hours drive from here). That was before Wales actually got some decent shops oop north!

Will decide tomorrow if I'll fo. Keep forgetting it's only Wednesday. He has said that there may be a match on, which is actually the prospect of a good date for me!

Just had my mind set on doing not a lot this weekend and not straying too far from home. If I go to Chester, I might get "stuck" there!

 

[KD]

Oh yes!

That really did make me LOL. I can relate to pretty much all of those habits.

I know I was scared of being hungry. I remember mentioning it long ago. Very strange. After all, we're not in the middle of a famine. We're hardly going to die of malnutrition. Even when the hunger comes on, it's not any worse than a headache really

So why I dunno.

Eating alone: Oh yes, yes, yes

Funny though. I used to see a relative once a week. She always made sure she said at least one hurtful comment each visit (guess that was her habit). Though it hurt, it wouldn't occur to me to eat. I didn't crave anything there and then. It was when I got home...I would have to have something. Probably because I was hurt...but then, if that was the case...why didn't I crave it immediately?

My thoughts are that I just never ate at her house. The 'connection' with food wasn't in that place. It was when I got home.

 

[AmandaJayne]

Hia Sarah!

I hope you had a good meeting tonight and feel ready to take on the world! To anyone who hasn't met you, I can assure them that you are just as fantastic in the flesh (!) as on the page. I am looking forward to seeing you next Wed (it's nothing to do with wanting my book back, honest!), hopefully you may have heard from your surgery about test results. It will be a relief to finally know one way or the other about the hormones and be able to start 'fixing' the problem once and for all.

Ended up back at Wetherspoons again today (I should buy shares in the company), sitting on the opposite side to last night, and treated the family to lunch. Later, had a really interesting chat with Theresa, the osteopath who fixes my back. I had noticed that she had some leaflets on a table and one of them was about Lipotrim. I asked if I could have a look at a leaflet because I had heard of it, and was doing a programme similar called Lighterlife. She asked about it and I told her how much I had lost. She was amazed. She talked about her son, who lives in the Far East, and who is morbidly obese. He tried the Lipotrim for a month and lost two stone, but put it back on plus more. She sounded desperately afraid for his health when she talked about him and I really felt for her. I talked about how valuable the CBT and TA counselling was and she agreed that this could be the kind of help he would need, but would they have anything like that in the Far East? I gave her the web address of Lighterlife and told her about the magazine which was available. She is such a lovely lady and it must be difficult for her to watch her son going through such personal difficulties and be powerless to help.

I am having some difficulty concentrating just now because Jamie is playing music on a keyboard (prerecorded) at such a fast rate it isn't true. It's very loud too. I think he believes that he can force me off the computer if he keeps it up, then he can bag it. He's wrong! I ain't goin' no-where!

Well ... maybe I will!

See ye soon!

 

[pandora]

hi Sarah, how goes it ?
i'm really glad you are getting to the root cause of your eating problems, i just wish i could, at the moment i really couldn't give a stuff & everything & anything is going in. I don't know why either, which really doesn't help .
Anyway this is about you not me, so its good to see you taking charge on the Matt front, won't hurt him to do a bit of chasing if it's what he wants !
hope you have a fab easter.
see you soon
xx

 

[westiegirl]

Oh yes!

That really did make me LOL. I can relate to pretty much all of those habits.

I know I was scared of being hungry. I remember mentioning it long ago. Very strange. After all, we're not in the middle of a famine. We're hardly going to die of malnutrition. Even when the hunger comes on, it's not any worse than a headache really

So why I dunno.

Eating alone: Oh yes, yes, yes

Funny though. I used to see a relative once a week. She always made sure she said at least one hurtful comment each visit (guess that was her habit). Though it hurt, it wouldn't occur to me to eat. I didn't crave anything there and then. It was when I got home...I would have to have something. Probably because I was hurt...but then, if that was the case...why didn't I crave it immediately?

My thoughts are that I just never ate at her house. The 'connection' with food wasn't in that place. It was when I got home.

Thanks Karion, I have so many "connections" with food and I have developed them over years without even thinking about them. I am actually quite overwhelmed by the number I have discovered by just bringing things into my consciousness!

But I suppose that is my challenge, to break those connections one by one until hopefully, like you, I won't even think about turning to food!

 

[westiegirl]

Hia Sarah!

I hope you had a good meeting tonight and feel ready to take on the world! To anyone who hasn't met you, I can assure them that you are just as fantastic in the flesh (!) as on the page. I am looking forward to seeing you next Wed (it's nothing to do with wanting my book back, honest!), hopefully you may have heard from your surgery about test results. It will be a relief to finally know one way or the other about the hormones and be able to start 'fixing' the problem once and for all.

Ended up back at Wetherspoons again today (I should buy shares in the company), sitting on the opposite side to last night, and treated the family to lunch. Later, had a really interesting chat with Theresa, the osteopath who fixes my back. I had noticed that she had some leaflets on a table and one of them was about Lipotrim. I asked if I could have a look at a leaflet because I had heard of it, and was doing a programme similar called Lighterlife. She asked about it and I told her how much I had lost. She was amazed. She talked about her son, who lives in the Far East, and who is morbidly obese. He tried the Lipotrim for a month and lost two stone, but put it back on plus more. She sounded desperately afraid for his health when she talked about him and I really felt for her. I talked about how valuable the CBT and TA counselling was and she agreed that this could be the kind of help he would need, but would they have anything like that in the Far East? I gave her the web address of Lighterlife and told her about the magazine which was available. She is such a lovely lady and it must be difficult for her to watch her son going through such personal difficulties and be powerless to help.

I am having some difficulty concentrating just now because Jamie is playing music on a keyboard (prerecorded) at such a fast rate it isn't true. It's very loud too. I think he believes that he can force me off the computer if he keeps it up, then he can bag it. He's wrong! I ain't goin' no-where!

Well ... maybe I will!

See ye soon!

Hi AmandaJayne, hope you got my PM. A night away sounds just fabulous !

Poor Theresa having to worry about her son. LL have really revamped the mens programme so I hope that they can help him, might be difficult with the distance though.

Glad you are enjoying your break and I'm looking forward to coffee again next week.

 

[westiegirl]

hi Sarah, how goes it ?
i'm really glad you are getting to the root cause of your eating problems, i just wish i could, at the moment i really couldn't give a stuff & everything & anything is going in. I don't know why either, which really doesn't help .
Anyway this is about you not me, so its good to see you taking charge on the Matt front, won't hurt him to do a bit of chasing if it's what he wants !
hope you have a fab easter.
see you soon
xx

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Cheryl, sorry your head is not in the right place. Just like me last week, I really didn't give a stuff and ate absolutely everything I could get my hands on! I really just felt desperate because I want this much but at the moment seem incapable of doing it!

Oh well, I'll get there!

Hope you have a good easter too!

Much love

 

[westiegirl]

Thursday 5th April 2007

Felt a bit rotten all day, definately in the grips of a cold. I vowed I wouldn't be ill over easter but don't think my body is giving me a choice!

Work was ok but a bit stressful because of the holiday everyone was phoning and reporting faults that had to have an engineer BEFORE easter. Yeah right! It probably would have been better if I wasn't ill because my head was a bit fuzzy and I couldn't think straight!

Ian, the Service Manager (and my direct boss) had brought in loads of treats and I found myself just picking at them again because they were there. I was feeling rotten and thought they would make me feel better.

Habit number 10: When not feeling well the only medicine that will work is food! Forget paracetemol, only chocolate has the right properties!!!

I was really glad when 5pm came along - 4 days off - yipeeeeeeee!

Really wanted to go home to my bed but I knew that I had to go to LL. If I hadn't gone last night then I wouldn't have gone back ever again! So got in my car and headed to Wrexham. Had a much better journey. Felt much more relaxed. The weather was good and there was a bit of traffic about because of the Easter weekend but not too much. Took me just under an hour and arrived for the meeting an hour early. It was quite nice though to just sit in my LLCs reception area on a sofa and read my book. Nice to have a bit of me time!

My meeting was really good. I was so glad I went. There was the same 2 other girls who were there as last time although we are all at totally different stages. One girl has had to go onto a type of management programme because she is diabetic and the diet has worked too well for her! Her medication needs to be changed so dramatically but the doctor won't let her do LL until they have got the balance of her meds right. She is gutted but positive that she will start again soon.

The other girl is just starting her 3rd week and is doing really well. It's her first time at it and she is totally in the zone!

Then there is me :sigh:! The old hand that has become the perpetual struggler!

My LLC was really good. She asked if I was going to start tomorrow (Friday) and I said I'd try. She said nuh-huh, no good! The fact that I said try would give me a get out clause. She asked what was going on and I said about the wedding do on Saturday night and going out with my bro on Sunday, so she said what about Monday and I said yes, I will start Monday! She asked what was different from last time and we agreed that I need routine in my life. That was the key to my success last time. The other thing that really worked for me back then was thought records, so I am going to start doing them again. She has also asked if I would mind sharing my journal next week and we can try and work out what is going on with me. Finally she asked that I dig out my Foundation book and have a look at my letter to myself from week 3 and redo it for me now. It will be good to dig it out and review things from back then (and hopefully regain some of that motivation!).

Left feeling quite motivated and had a decent drive home. It made a bit of difference that it wasn't pitch black for the early part of the journey - the bit of road I am totally unfamiliar with. It was quite busy on the road - still lots of people heading to the North Wales coast for Easter. But that was ok, meant I had traffic to follow on the dark roads! Arrived home feeling quite relaxed and actually enjoyed the journey much more than last time.

Matt texted me last night and I told him that I wasn't going to go to Chester. Really feel like I couldn't face a day out whilst feeling ill so he said he wouldn't go without me, bless! Instead we have agreed to go out for a drink and some dancing tonight. Cheeky sod did ask me if he should bring his toothbrush! Told him that I was too ill to consider any troothbrushing *lol*. He was sweet and asked if I was up for dancing and that we didn't have to stay out all night. We'll see how it goes!

Well I hope every one has a wonderful Easter and I expect to spend some quality time on here catching up!

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Hope you have a great night out tonight, that Matt guy really doesn't take a hint though does he,,,which bit of taking it at your pace involves bringing a toothbrush when going out for a drink LOL..

Good luck at your restart..

 

[westiegirl]

Hi Caz, caught up on your thread earlier but didn't get a chance to post, just back from dinner at my mum's. Will mosie on over there and say hello soon.

I know what you mean about Matt, but God loves a trier eh!

Not sure how I feel about him - whether I like him or whether I just like the attention. He's certainly more cheeky by text than in real life but I suppose that "distance" can make you a bit bold!

 

[westiegirl]

Good Friday 6th April 2007

Darn blast this cold. Why do I get a cold on my time! I should have been ill on company time - it's just not fair *lol*.

Habit number 11: Weekends/Days off are a licence to eat a luxurious breakfast in bed and really "treat" myself. Todays breakfast consisted of a chicken wrap bought in binge mode last night when I stopped for petrol on the way home from LL (was desperate for fuel because my petrol light was on for about 20 miles till I could get to the next petrol station). These days are nice "me" days and the only way you could possibly treat yourself is to stuff yourself silly with crap breakfast food!

That pretty much set the tone for the day, habit 10 was in evidence all day. I pretty much ate sh*t food all day because my justification is that I'm ill! Not good at all!

Matt texted this morning to see how I was and asked if I'd rather go to the cinema instead of the pub as I wasn't feeling well. Sweet thought and I agreed.

The weather was lovely today but I really felt too ill to appreciate it. Sat around watching Davis Cup tennis on TV all day and snoozing. Couldn't raise the energy to do anything else. When ill I really need my sleep. Woke up today at 7.30am but fell asleep again at 9am till about 11am. Slept for about 2 hours on the sofa this afternoon and still woke feeling rubbish! Not good at all. Texted Matt to ask if we could just have a quiet drink instead of the cinema (my cough is really annoying me and would have spoilt everyones enjoyment of the film). He suggested we leave it till next week and when I feel better. Was quite glad really as I just felt totally wiped out.

Have spent the evening with the family. Mum cooked dinner and we had a nice family evening. Have had some alcohol and I'm not sure whether it will kill me or cure me!

Feeling very uncomfortable in my skin tonight. Can feel the fat rolls and want to just get this last bit of weight off. My clothes all feel really tight and want to nip it in the bud. I'm gearing myself up to a Monday start but don't want to go mad over the weekend. Think I might try to just have packs in the day tomorrow and have something to eat tomorrow night (wedding do). The evening do is in a remote country hall about 20 miles from here and I am considering driving, a taxi will be at least £20/30 each way. Driving has lots of benefits - saving money, saving calories and saving a bad head on Sunday. Will probably also mean that I stay in control and not do anything silly (a la podium dancing *lol*). Also want to enjoy my night on Sunday. No definate plans made but me and my bro are going to party!

A positive thing about today was that I dug out my old LL foundation book and read my letter to myself. I also did a new one and started to think through some strategies to help me cope with my upcoming SSing. Do feel a bit more confident but I am still worried that I'll fail easily again. BUT, no negative thinking because if I think that I am likely to become a self fulfilling prophecy! I can do it and I will do it!!!

 

[Karen1972]

Hi Sarah

Good luck with starting on Monday babes!!! Enjoy the weekend and stop being so hard on yourself - if you want it enough you will do it!!!

Lots of luv

 

[Gen]

hiya hun... hope today is a better day for you and ur cold is easing up...

i'm getting back ss'ing either tomorrow or monday meself so maybe we can ride this wave together... this time we can do it FOR GOOD

hope ur easter is going well chick

lots of love and hugs

 

[westiegirl]

Hi Sarah

Good luck with starting on Monday babes!!! Enjoy the weekend and stop being so hard on yourself - if you want it enough you will do it!!!

Lots of luv

Thanks Karen, I'll try not being so hard on myself but it's just so hard not to be hard!

Can I crack it this time - who the heck knows but I'm gonna give it another try!

 

[Karen1972]

Never give up babes!!! You can crack this!!! Looking forward to seeing you again.....

 

[westiegirl]

hiya hun... hope today is a better day for you and ur cold is easing up...

i'm getting back ss'ing either tomorrow or monday meself so maybe we can ride this wave together... this time we can do it FOR GOOD

hope ur easter is going well chick

lots of love and hugs

Hi Gen, yes lets ride the wave. Shall we make a pact? I really want to do this for good!

Think I might start a thread on restarters as some sort of log, although I want to keep this one as my diary thread. I might do a declaration like Cheryl (Pandora) has done and keep a track of the "nuts and bolts" on there. Wanna join me?

Hope you are having a good weekend. Just read your reply on Karen's thread and I'm glad that you are feeling happier with yourself. That's always a good place to start!

Really looking forward to meeting you in Dublin too. I'm quite excited now because I've booked off the whole week afterwards on holiday so that should be good. By then I want to be at goal and have a wonderful week. The following weekend I'm going to a party down south which I am really looking forward to as well.

Let's do it this time!!! Think of the wonderful summer we will have!

 

[westiegirl]

Never give up babes!!! You can crack this!!! Looking forward to seeing you again.....

Don't worry babe, I'll never give up! Realise that it will always be a struggle but I will always keep plugging!

Looking forward to seeing you again soon to. Maybe we can organise a night out soon - what about the end of may? Are you around then? Let me know and we can rock Cardiff!

 

[westiegirl]

Saturday 7th April 2007

Ooh I love the long Easter weekend. Especially when I'm starting to feel a bit better. My cold is peetering (sp?) out. I think being sensible and getting lots of sleep on Friday helped.

I was up quite early because of the early night and was glad to see that the weather had remained gorgeous, as per the forecast.

Didn't do much all morning, just pootled around the house and watched sport on TV (I know, I know boring!). Decided that I would definately take it easy all day and I was also avoiding town like the plague because it's so busy with all the holidaymakers - couldn't face a fight! Instead I sat in my flat with some tunes on, the window wide open and did some positive motivation stuff for restarting LL on Monday. Will put my letter to myself on my restart thread later!

Went to get my manicure at 2pm. Boy did I need it, my nails were in a right state. But what a lovely way to spend an hour. Noticed that the salon was offering half price massages during April and thought that I would book one for one of my LL rewards but they don't do them on Saturdays. The only night they are open late is Thursday - my LL night. Was devastated :cry:!

When I was finished I met up with Rachel from work and she came back to my flat with me in order to get ready to go out tonight. Bless her she is a sweetie (only 17 and brimming with confidence), but she invited herself so early. I know I need a bit more work to get ready than when I was younger but 5 hours is excessive!!!

We chilled out for a bit and watched some TV until it was actually a decent time to start getting ready.

My bro finished work and came round to say hello and shared a drink with us. 15 minutes before the taxi was due to come we managed to persuade him to come with us. He quickly ran home and got showered and changed (oh to be a boy and not need all that preparation!).

Had a nice night at the wedding do but must admit that we 3 did feel a bit of a spare part to the proceedings. We didn't really know anybody else but each other, except the girls from the hen night. So spent all night on the dance floor instead. Was drinking and did take 1 trip to the buffet (hadn't eaten much all day - my eating patterns are a little erractic to say the least at the moment). My bro and Rach were egging each other on by buying sambucas for us to down. I made sure that I bought long drinks in my round. Was too busy dancing to care about downing drinks (you know me, dancing queen).

After a slow start the evening turned out to be quite good and I was sad when our taxi arrived at 12.30am.

Matt had been texting me all night and was out and about in Llandudno with his pals. He asked what time I was coming home and when I said I was in the taxi home I didn't think anything of it.

Well, I get home and in through the door when my phone rings and it's Matt. As usual I ignore it but as I look out my back window there he is in the street!

I open my window and told him that if he wanted to come in then he had to climb in through the window. He said can't you let me in through the front door. TBH bad idea - 4 guard dogs downstairs waking up the parents, nuh-huh! Told him to climb or go home *lol*. Asked him how badly he wanted it, so he climbed LOLOL!!!!

That's a first - never had anyone do that for me before. It was such an ego boost! Someone risking life and limb (well sort of) to spend time with me! Told him that he wasn't going to get his wicked way anyway and that he couldn't stay all night. Wanted to spend some "quality time" with him so we did. It was quite nice but he didn't start any fires with me again (and I'm not even talking about in that way!). He's quite sweet but I think we are quite different. Had the TV on and discovered he doesn't even like Peter Kay!!!! He may only be a few years younger than me but seemed like a lot more last night. Not sure that this going to go anywhere but I guess I'll just enjoy the ride.

Chucked him out at 3am, needed to sleep otherwise my cold won't be banished! He said he could be offended but I told him to get over it *lol*. Hark at me, sex goddess (not). Did let him leave by the front door coz I'm not totally heartless!

Seems like I'm a real beyatch when I write this down but tbh I'm not! I'm always upfront with him and have to slap him down because he is nothing if not persistent! As Caz mentioned earlier about the toothbrush comment, that ain't taking it slow. He thinks if he keeps trying that I'll give in but I'm not going to. Sometimes subtlety doesn't seem to work with him so I don't feel bad about being blunt.

I guess when you are overweight (at least this is true for me anyway) that you feel (or are made to feel) grateful for any male attention whatsoever. The same applies to friends - I was a pleaser and didn't want to reject anybody just in case it meant they didn't like me. Now this doesn't mean that I gave into blokes because I was insecure, afterall I was in a loving long term relationship. But in general I put other people's needs first because I wanted people to like me.

I guess what I am learning with Matt and the other dates that I have been on is that I don't have to do things to please other people. I am more important than that and I must put myself first. The saying is treat em mean, keep em keen but what I'm actually learning is treat em like normal people and if they think you are worth it they will come back to it and if they don't then it's not worth losing sleep over!

Quite profound for me at this time on a Sunday morning, better bring myself back to normality - I'm off to watch Match of the Day ha ha!