what's your favorite bad joke
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Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
A husband is watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a “Npower” logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
"Beko” written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a darn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does
it look like I have “B&Q” written on my forehead? I don’t think so.
I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get
fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He did all the repairs,
and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooooo…….. Do you see “Betty Crocker” written on my
forehead? I don’t think so.
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a “Npower” logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
"Beko” written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a darn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does
it look like I have “B&Q” written on my forehead? I don’t think so.
I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get
fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He did all the repairs,
and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooooo…….. Do you see “Betty Crocker” written on my
forehead? I don’t think so.
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.
However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place
was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the wife looked up from a window display and, surprised, noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone and called her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery
shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get
it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, overwhelmed that he had remembered her dream. She began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it" !
was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the wife looked up from a window display and, surprised, noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone and called her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery
shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get
it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, overwhelmed that he had remembered her dream. She began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it" !
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven't, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
***
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
***
Fifty Sheds Of Grey We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
***
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
***
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
***
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
***
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
***
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
***
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
***
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
***
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
***
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
***
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
***
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
***
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
***
***
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
***
Fifty Sheds Of Grey We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
***
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
***
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
***
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
***
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
***
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
***
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
***
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
***
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
***
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
***
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
***
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
***
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
***
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
Rrriiiiinnnnggg,
rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?'
'Hi honey.
This
is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the
phone?'
'No,
Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul.'
After
a brief pause,
Daddy
says,
'But
honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul.'
'Oh
yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mommy,
right now..'
Brief
Pause.
'Uh,
okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put
the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And
knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway.'
'Okay,
Daddy, Just a minute.'
A
few minutes later
The little girl comes back
to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well,
Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around
screaming.
Then
she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He
jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long
Pause
Longer
Pause
Even
Longer Pause
Then
Daddy says,
'Swimming
pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'
Uh,no,
I think you have the wrong
number........
rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?'
'Hi honey.
This
is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the
phone?'
'No,
Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with
Uncle Paul.'
After
a brief pause,
Daddy
says,
'But
honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul.'
'Oh
yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mommy,
right now..'
Brief
Pause.
'Uh,
okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put
the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And
knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway.'
'Okay,
Daddy, Just a minute.'
A
few minutes later
The little girl comes back
to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well,
Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around
screaming.
Then
she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He
jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long
Pause
Longer
Pause
Even
Longer Pause
Then
Daddy says,
'Swimming
pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'
Uh,no,
I think you have the wrong
number........
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Emmaline
Hippety Hop!
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
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