Last day before weigh in!
I had a fight with my inner fat b*tch in the middle of the night, I realise now that she needs a name and needs to be treated with the contempt she deserves. I used to feel sorry for her, now I just want her out of my life forever.
From here on I will refer to her as "Efby".
I woke up at 3am on the verge of a panic attack. Efby was convinced we were dieing and that it was this diet that was killing us. Of course at 3am and in a panic I was no where near rational enough to understand or think through what was happing, I just applied my anti-panic techniques and after about an hour, got back to sleep.
I was very badly shaken by this as I've not had an attack like that in a VERY long time and I'm medicated against them.
When I got up at 7, I sat down at my computer and read through Minimins and slowly came to some realisations.
When I quit smoking, I treated my addiction as a thing separate from me, as a kind of parasite that was living off of me and which needed to be removed. I found this very helpful for getting out of the guilt trap and being stronger when ever I had carvings and negative thoughts, "It wasn't me, it was that nasty parasite, my addiction, if I ignore what it's saying, it will, like all bullies, eventually get bored and leave me alone."
It dawned on me that my food addiction and binge eating is very much the same thing. I am not the fat that surrounds me, that is the results of a nasty addiction that lives inside of me. The addiction put it there and the addiction needs to go.
When my husband got up I started telling him about it, "My inner fat ***** tried to sabotage me last night by trying to convince me the diet was killing me."
He laughed and said, "The diet IS killing your inner fat *****, no wonder she panicked."
As you know, I have been struggling a bit the last few days, but today it was like a great weight was lifted off me (and I don't mean the lb I dropped on the scales
), everything in my head kind of slotted into place.
This coincided with Day 6 of my Beck's book which is to set up a support system with someone you can turn to for help and support as and when you need it, kind of like a sponsor on AA. My husband is more than happy to take up this role and we are now fighting "Efby" together.