A Graceful Descent

[Carriegirl21]

so far today I think the gurgling has eased off - finally! we'll see if it stays that way by the end of the day.

Breda I very much agree that life should be lived for today - oddly as I read your post I'm just watching the ceremony from Ground Zero and there couldn't be a stronger reminder that life is too short.

Anyway, today's menu is a bit erratic again - it seems to go that way on weekends at the moment! I missed breakfast so had brunch instead so today has been scrambled egg on toast and a weight watchers bar. Dinner will be chicken stuffed with philadelphia and wrapped in parma ham with roasted butternut squash and various veggies and a few Aunt Bessie's roast potatoes ... at least that's the plan.

Today's positives...

1. Not losing my temper with my nan on the phone this morning when she told me that she isn't asking how I'm getting on with WW because she knows I won't stick to it! Instead I took a deep breath and reminded myself that other people's opinions are not why I am doing this and are irrelevant in me reaching my goal and that I will not be sidetracked by them.

2. Keeping my points tracker going even when I'm not being organised.

3. Remembering that life is too short and to live each day as it comes - there's far more important things in life than worrying about the size of my belly

Oooooh naughty Nanna!! You've got a great attitude about doing this for yourself & not letting other peoples opinions get in the way of your motivation.
Loving the 3 positive points - will be trying this idea out

CGx
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using MiniMins

 

[Mifford]

oh I have no patience whatsoever with my nan but she's almost 91 and she's been like it so long that I know there's no point in getting wound up by it as she'll never change lol. The worst bit is I don't think she does it to be deliberately nasty but I do believe that she tries to get a reaction - I did think that maybe she's got worse as she's got older and stopped caring what she says to people but according to my dad she's always been like it hahahahahaha I handle it by putting the phone down and swearing about her lots when she can't hear me *grin*

I did point out to her that I have no idea why she thinks I'll stop "dieting" tomorrow because I'm not eating much differently to what I was before, just more food, and that bearing in mind that I've pretty much been dieting for 20 years its unlikely I'll stop when I get to where I want to. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her its my thyroid and meds levels that caused the weight to go back on she's never going to believe me - its why I didn't tell her I was doing WW as I knew what she'd be like but I think my dad said something not realising. I'm fully aware that the fact I'm losing weight on it will now make everyone think well it obviously was that I was eating too much or loads of rubbish then. Actually no it was a combination of I was actually eating too little and my meds weren't right whereas recently both have improved.

I'm now just trying to keep in my head that I know what the cause is and what I do and don't do and I'm never going to be able to change anyone elses mind anyway so why am I wasting my energy trying. There's also the question of why anyone else thinks my weight gain or loss is any of their business whatsoever unless I choose to share it with them. When it comes to weight everyone has an opinion and they don't hold back on telling you what it is even when you haven't asked for it - they'd never do it with anything else so why people do it with something as personal as how you look I have no idea! Its that whole thing about feeling I have to justify my size and weight etc and I think with me that the mental place that puts me doesn't help me get that belief that I can make the changes I need to make and that I can take control of my life and health again. I'm done with other people sabotaging me in that way because of their own insecurities so I just won't allow it any more.

The 3 positives a day are the same thing. Breda I actually picked it up from your diary where someone mentioned the Beck Diet Solution thing - I linked through to one of the blogs and it was something that was on there. My leader has commented on it that whenever anyone in our meetings says they have done well that week or achieved a silver 7 or 5% etc they always say how happy they are but then follow it with a negative. I'm totally convinced that success at achieving where we all went to get to and staying there is as much psychological as it is what we eat and I know that I sabotage myself mentally as I'm so used to fighting my own body its like I can't believe that that will ever change. We are all so quick to concentrate on the negatives of what we do but every day we are making positive changes and we should celebrate and concentrate on them more because those are the ones that will get us to where we want to be whereas the negatives will just keep dragging us back all the time.

And obviously its never a bad thing to tell yourself every day how wonderful you are hahahahaha

 

[CarlyLanky140]

I keep meaning to do my 3 positives! Will do it now!

Naughty nana indeed! Mine wants me to diet and has pushed me for years but tries to feed me cake now I'm on ww! Lol! U will show her u can do it

Xx

 

[Mifford]

it suddenly occurred to me this morning that what I should have done was tell her that yes I have stopped doing it because then she wouldn't ask again hahahahha

Stomach seems to have settled down a bit so now I've just got to get my menu plan back on track and get my food shopping ordered as my fridge and freezer are pretty much empty as I've stopped over buying food and started using what is already there - its saved me money for a start but it also means I can't go overeating as the food just isn't there. I do need to get the fruit and veg intake back up again as they've been a bit slack this last week where I've not been cooking properly.

So not a lot else to add today - looking forward to seeing what the scales show tomorrow and hoping that I keep heading in the right direction

Today's menu ....

Breakfast = 6pps

Gluten free cereal (3)
Skimmed milk (3)

Lunch = 8pps

3 slices parma ham (3)
3 slices WW bread (4)
Low fat spread (1)
1/2 galia melon (0)

Dinner = 15pps

Young's admiral pie (9) - didn't feel like cooking!
60g gluten free chocolate stars cereal (6) - great for munching on as a snack type thing when I eat them dry

Total = 29/31

And today's positives ...

1. Continued to track and started getting my food for next week planned again

2. Kept my points up to around the 29 mark so they don't drop too low

3. Not over bought food that I don't need and which just clogs up my fridge and freezer unnecessarily

 

[Mifford]

today I am wearing my favourite dress from Next. Its quite light and summery so I'm freezing but I'm insisting on wearing it anyway. Why?

BECAUSE I CAN!!!!!!:bliss:

I know my scales look fairly good today but I never relax until I get on the proper ones this evening - I'm starving hungry today as well which is law of sod as I'm trying desperately not to over eat due to weigh in this evening.

I'm being very good though - I have grabbed my slow cooker out of the cupboard and now have sweetcorn and butterbean chowder in it so that I can get back tonight and just grab a bowlful with it being nice and healthy without having to worry about cooking. I can then freeze portions of it to use over the coming weeks and I've actually worked out the proper points value on it so I know what I'm having. I've done the points as splitting the entire recipe in 4 but it is possible that it spreads further than that in the end so the points might be lower but at least when I'm calculating it at the moment its on worst case scenario which is a good way to go

My group is only something like 40lbs off losing 1,000 lbs in total since January so I'm hoping that I can do my bit towards that tonight - I'll let you know once I've had my official weigh in.

Today's menu (so far)...

Breakfast = 4pps

Fresh fruit salad (0)
Flaked almonds (2)
Fat free natural yogurt (2)

Lunch = 9pps

4 x ryvita multigrain (4)
Philadelphia light (2)
Pack of wotsits (3)
Apple (0)

Dinner = 7pps

Sweetcorn and butterbean chowder (7)

General = 5pps

Milk (3)
Weight watchers bar to get me through my meeting without my stomach grumbling too much! (2)

Total = 25/31 (so far)

Today's positives ...

1. Fitting back in my dress and wearing it whether it is suitable for the weather or not.

2. Using my slow cooker to plan ahead and prepare food when I'm rushed rather than grab convenient and less healthy rubbish.

3. To be updated after weigh in ... hopefully

 

[Mifford]

2 1/2lbs down - I'm over the moon :happy036:

So now I'm past the halfway mark on this stone bracket and nearer 14 than 15, I'm only 2lbs away from getting below 200lbs, I'm 4lbs away from my 10% goal and 4 1/2lbs away from getting out of being medically obese and that step nearer getting myself a rheumatology referral.

And I have 5 little stickers on my star chart with one big fat smiley one for the fact I got into my dress today.

My 3 positives are the first two above and ...

3. 2 1/2lbs nearer to my destination - which is weight that I don't intend to ever see again

 

[Carriegirl21]

2 1/2lbs down - I'm over the moon :happy036:

So now I'm past the halfway mark on this stone bracket and nearer 14 than 15, I'm only 2lbs away from getting below 200lbs, I'm 4lbs away from my 10% goal and 4 1/2lbs away from getting out of being medically obese and that step nearer getting myself a rheumatology referral.

And I have 5 little stickers on my star chart with one big fat smiley one for the fact I got into my dress today.

My 3 positives are the first two above and ...

3. 2 1/2lbs nearer to my destination - which is weight that I don't intend to ever see again

Wow well done!! And yay star stickers woooooo!

CGx
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using MiniMins

 

[Michillinwoman]

Great going Miff !!!!!!!!! .2.5lbs brilliant

Love your three positives for today .

I cant wait to get back under that 200 mark again too !!!!!!!

 

[CarlyLanky140]

Well done for the brill loss xxx

 

[Mifford]

hectic day today - I've been running around like crazy with work and having finally stopped I have a blinding headache so today's entry will be short and sweet I'm afraid.

Thanks for the congratulations - I'm very happy with it and feeling VERY positive about where I'm now heading.

So today's menu has gone as follows:-

Breakfast = 2pps
Boiled egg (2)
Fresh fruit salad (0)

Lunch = 13pps

Jacket potato (4)
Tin of tuna (4)
Corn on the cob (2)
Low fat butter spread (1)
Fresh fruit salad (0)
Weight watchers toffee bar (2)

Dinner = 8pps

Roasted butternut squash (0)
Roasted courgette (0)
Spinach (0)
Olive oil (1)
Low fat feta cheese (5)
Fruit (0)
Meringue nest (1)
Yogurt (1)

General = 7pps

Milk (3)
Curly wurly (3)
1/2 box WW fizzy cola sweets (1)

Total = 30/31

My positives for today

1. Yet another day fully tracked
2. Increased my fruit and veg intake
3. Did my shopping online to resist buying foods that I don't need and which will take me off track

 

[CarlyLanky140]

Glad u are feeling positive x

 

[Michillinwoman]

Hope the headache is gone and that you are feeling better honey.

 

[Claireanddanielson]

hectic day today - I've been running around like crazy with work and having finally stopped I have a blinding headache so today's entry will be short and sweet I'm afraid.

Thanks for the congratulations - I'm very happy with it and feeling VERY positive about where I'm now heading.

So today's menu has gone as follows:-

Breakfast = 2pps
Boiled egg (2)
Fresh fruit salad (0)

Lunch = 13pps

Jacket potato (4)
Tin of tuna (4)
Corn on the cob (2)
Low fat butter spread (1)
Fresh fruit salad (0)
Weight watchers toffee bar (2)

Dinner = 8pps

Roasted butternut squash (0)
Roasted courgette (0)
Spinach (0)
Olive oil (1)
Low fat feta cheese (5)
Fruit (0)
Meringue nest (1)
Yogurt (1)

General = 7pps

Milk (3)
Curly wurly (3)
1/2 box WW fizzy cola sweets (1)

Total = 30/31

My positives for today

1. Yet another day fully tracked
2. Increased my fruit and veg intake
3. Did my shopping online to resist buying foods that I don't need and which will take me off track

Nice menu!!and well done on your losses so far!!
Xx

 

[Mifford]

thanks people - headache much improved and I slept better last night so back to feeling more normal today. Or at least my version of it lol

I haven't got myself organised enough to get working today yet so I've decided to take the morning off and get my bottom on gear this afternoon. Having had no proper holiday this year and only having a week booked off in October for my birthday I don't think it does any harm for me to do that every now and then and the joy of working for myself is that I do have the flexibility. Plus I need to do some shopping - my car is in having its MOT today so it'll have to be online shopping but I put on 3 skirts this morning that all finally fitted but couldn't find tops to go with any of them. I'm now wearing a skirt that I love but its far too big for me now - it buttons up on the side so I need to move the buttons over but in the meantime I'm wearing a big belt with it to keep it held up which thankfully does actually work and its a nice confidence boost when I could barely get to the first notch on said belt when I started WW and I'm now on the third and final notch on it! :-o

Oh and just for fun I thought I'd try and get into my Tommy Hilfiger jeans this morning as I've not been able to get them above mid-thigh for a while. Well they go on. I can't do them up but they do go on. They are very low slung as well so I need to lose a bit more to get them to not make me look like I have builders bum but I'm clinging to the fact that they do go on lol

So today's menu plan ...

Breakfast = 3pps

Mandarin smoothie with flax oil (3)

Snack = 2pps

WW rich toffee bar (2)

Lunch = 7pps

Roasted butternut squash (0)
Olive oil (1)
Beetroot (0)
Chick peas - 1/2 can (4)
Low fat greek salad cheese (2)
Plums (0)

Snack = 3pps
Wotsits (3)

Dinner = 14pps

Crispy bacon and bean saute:
WW bacon x 4 (3)
Leek and cabbage (0)
Butterbeans - 1 small tin (6)
Low fat creme fraiche (3)
Weight Watchers rich chocolate desert pot (2)

General = 3pps
Milk (3)

Total = 31/31

I'm not sure how to count the tin of butterbeans - the online tracker shows 3 points for half a 225g tin but the tin shows it as 225g if not drained and 125g drained. I've treated it as the full 225g tin and assumed the points have been counted on the online one for if it was drained and I'm thinking I'm better being over cautious rather than under.

That's got to be the first time in a long time that I've come in bang on my full points though!! Wahoooo - I'm getting better at this stuff lol

So my positives for today...

1. Hitting my daily points bang on where they should be with a balanced diet and getting back to eating more "normally".

2. Seeing my jeans as a goal that I'm close to rather than panicking that I can't get in them yet and I have nothing to wear and getting depressed as I normally would.

3. Not weighing myself today as I recognised that I was starting to let the multiple weigh ins creep back in again. I start to panic a bit when I first cut out doing it but its a positive step forward in accepting me for me rather than obsessing around a bunch of numbers and letting them rule my life

 

[CarlyLanky140]

Glad u are feeling better and getting into skirts n jeans good day! Xx

 

[Carriegirl21]

Excellent positives! & woop woop for getting in the jeans! You will be doing them up soon enough
I've got so many jeans that are way to small - they are the clothing items I measure my size by!

CGx
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using MiniMins

 

[Mifford]

well its been a fun couple of days - I am in the middle of deciding after 35 years that my best friend totally freaking sucks and I'm done with being treated like crap. I would go into detail but its probably best I just leave it there for now for everyone's sake lol

On the bright side I have been sticking to my points and I'm not letting myself get wound up to the point of either going and grabbing whatever I can find to eat or missing meals because I just don't care and letting it all go out the window.

Its also a positive that whenever I'm feeling better about myself is when I stand up and say nope I'm not putting up with that any more so I'm viewing it as a sign of me respecting myself enough to say I deserve better than that and I'm going to put myself first.

Rather than ignoring it I've sent her a text first thing this morning telling her how I feel - I'm not expecting a reply but I decided that I really should give her the chance to prove me wrong. But yeah .. I'm really not expecting a reply lol

And on that note I'm off to make myself breakfast as haven't had any yet and I'm getting hungry.

Oooo oooo - and I've entered a couple of my photos into the local village flower show for the first time today. They are being judged around about now so wish me luck! First prize is £1 and it cost me more than that for the printing and mounting so its more a bit of fun but I'm quite proud of myself for going ahead and doing it rather than sitting on the sidelines watching

 

[Mifford]

well she proved me wrong and I got a reply. I had text telling her I'm hurt at the lack of contact and the fact that I can't get a reply to any calls or texts etc etc and that I am totally speechless that having not seen or heard from her for 6 months I sent her yet another text last night to see what she is up to this weekend and she replies that she will be 5 miles down the road tonight - its not even followed with anything to say its last minute but do you want to join us or we'll pop in or something along those lines. It was the final straw for me and I was going to draw a line under it - against my better judgement I was persuaded to tell her that I'm hurt by it and give her a chance to put it right if I've been reading it wrong.

Well the email I got back makes it pretty clear what she thinks of me and was certainly an eye opener. Basically she put it in a much nicer way but I'm a control freak who tests people and plays mind games and I come up with plots to manipulate people into my way of thinking. The interesting thing is one of the friends that I'm doing this to is because she has listened to me sat in her kitchen plotting such manipulation - this particular friend is one who has been awol for a while and I gave up ringing her etc because it was getting demoralising. I'm still here for her whenever or if ever she needs me but I've stopped wasting my energy as there's only so many times you can keep trying to make contact without a response. So by not ringing her or getting in touch I'm manipulating her to how I want her to think ... ok I'm a hell of a lot cleverer than I thought I was because to be honest I thought I was just venting with a friend over a cuppa and have even actually said that at the time!!

So I'm hurt and upset and don't know how to take being treated like that gets a reply of you're playing mind games and trying to manipulate me and you get pissed off at your friends so often that maybe none of us are good enough for you.

Wow - I think its safe to say we're done right?

 

[Carriegirl21]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a horrible time with this friend - I can't really say much else as I'm going through something similar myself & it's one of the worst feelings in the world to be losing a friendship you thought you'd have forever :'(

CGx
Sent from my HTC Wildfire using MiniMins

 

[Mifford]

awww Jo thank you so much - I just read your comment and its lovely. I REALLY appreciate that tonight - I'm having a kind of weird life changing decision one today and having that support right now means more than you can possibly imagine.

I've now re-read my emails today with a clearer head - its why I walked away from the computer earlier rather than reply straight away. They are actually slightly more reasonable than when I first read them but I still find it really hard to get my head round a few of the comments made there. If by venting to her about stuff in order to get my own head clear that is being analysed as me "plotting" to make people come round to my way of thinking I'm going to find it really hard to actually ever be able to rekindle a frank and honest relationship with her again.

At the moment I have other friends asking if its something we can recover if we sit down and sort it out. Well yes it is and that's clear from the responses I got - it was attack is the best form of defence but not in a totally nasty way but it was still enlightening on what it told me about how she sees me. The problem is I'm honestly sat here this evening thinking do I want to?

I know what I give to our friendship (or at least try to) but even after this length of time I'm questioning what I actually get from it. I'm not sitting here thinking I'm wonderful and she treats me like crap - to be honest she may well be sat at her end having totally valid complaints about me along the same lines and I'm open to the fact she may see it that way. But I have to be responsible for my life and what I allow to happen in it and that's the only person I can be responsible for and its a big question as to whether I want someone in my life where I would feel like that going forward.

And to be honest the biggest thing that keeps smacking me round the head is that if I don't reply at all and don't hear from her will I actually notice the difference. I don't mean that nastily and I'm not saying it in anger which is how it could be read - its not a judgement on anything but just a plain and simple honest assessment of the situation. I've known that for a long time but actually being honest enough with myself to admit that that is how I feel makes me sad. Its not a case of me walking away and saying sod her I couldn't care less but part of me is acutely aware that I don't think I would see any difference whatsoever and I have to question whether it hurts me more having someone in my life where that is the case and to have to effectively accept that its ok for someone to treat me that way or if it would hurt me more to walk away and value myself higher. The overwhelming feeling I have is that maybe we've just grown apart and its time to move on. That isn't easy to admit at all but at the same time how long do I keep trying to pretend to myself that that niggling feeling isn't there.

I do have VERY high standards from my friends and a very low tolerance for anyone not reaching those standards - I know that a lot of them are unrealistic and I try and temper how I react to things where I feel hurt with that in my mind. But at the same time I spent a LOT of years being a doormat and I now keep a very small circle of friends who I have learnt to trust over the years. I'm not sure I'm willing to devalue myself or what I think I deserve from my friends in order to keep someone within that circle.

And then when I type that another part of my head is thinking that yes I have very high standards of friendship .... but I don't think expecting that at least once during the last 6 months to have an unsolicited phone call or text even to just ask how I am is really all that unreasonable right?

And that's the bit that I can't get my head past no matter how much I try. I'm going to sleep on it and then talk to another friend tomorrow to use her as my devil's advocate (I've done the same for her loads lol) to get a different view on it and then I think I'm just going to trust my gut instinct and see how I feel - although if I'm honest I think I know what the outcome is going to be as I've got to the stage in my life where I've decided that I need to start putting myself first.

Right - thank you very much to anyone who got to the end of that as that was a straight brain stream to help me get my head slightly clearer - this place is awesome for those stream of consciousness type things.

Oh and one of my photos got 3rd place - wahoooooooooooo. I won 50p ... which I then went and spent up the pub on an orange juice and lemonade to celebrate lol Oh that's a point - I need to work out what the pps are on that as I'd forgotten about it!

Once again Jo seriously thank you - I sometimes wonder if what I'm trying to say comes across as its intended and some of the things put into my head today made me start questioning if maybe its me. Having someone tell me that they get exactly what I'm saying - well I needed that more than you can imagine and its HUGELY appreciated xxx