Biggirlsam

Sam, I'm new to your diary but OMG you poor thing - hope the prolapse is fully recovered now! Sheesh!! I would be howling from the rooftops!!

And I couldn't help but smile at your blo-up dolly! Just can't get the service these days, hey? lol

Sounds to me like you're doing brill on the refeeding side. Keep up the control, hun - it's once you let yourself have a few treats that it can all go a bit Pete Tong (voice of experience!!)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Today I did something that I never thought I would do.... I lost my temper with life and gave it a good old scream at.... I had a booklet through the post about things at the local theatre and I circled all the things I wanted to see, well today I found it in the draw and low and behold I have missed most of them:(, because my other half and myself work long odd hours we don't get to be together as much as i'd like in the evenings and I just totally lost my rag with life and booked a single-single ticket to see Cats tonight!!!! I have never gone anywhere on my own not because I can't I just havn't ever... Today I said I will not let the show finish without seeing it and I didn't even try to get someone to come with me just in case I chickened out.... I went I booked a taxi so I didn't have to park and left on my own to see a show:eek: . I guess for the most of you out there its nothing but for me it was a major achievement walking into a place alone... I walked to my seat and sat with my water bottle that cost £1.50 not getting stung again !!!! I will take my own next time-next time I like the sound of that:D , anyway I sat in the seat and realised that I could fit.... Me in a theatre seat:D ... I havn't been for years and last time I couldn't fit into one and had to swap seats with the guy behind and rest on the upright seat all night because the hips wouldn't go in..... I fit into a seat and I didn't notice until bum hit seat:) . Thanks goodness I hadn't thought about it before or I most prob wouldn't have gone... Well I had a wonderful time and really didn't mind sitting in the interval alone... I thought I'd hate it but I just wandered in my head and vola it was over... I got a taxi home and even though it was a frosty reception from oh I had a brilliant time..... I did splash out though and have a slice of toast with apricot jam on it but hey I was celebrating!!!!!! I will weigh myself tomorrow morning because I would have been on food for 1 week tomorrow... I guess i've eaten 4lbs of carrots this week and i'm checking my hands to make sure I don't go orange:D ... I can honestly say that I think now looking back on it that loosing weight has given me the confidence in myself to do things that are not the norm for me and unknown to me in so many things in life its like discovering myself all over again, and i'm getting to like the old girl:)
 
Today must be the laziest day I have ever had....I got up late and got on the scales:( , One week into re-feed and not at all happy.... I bought a new scales and can't remember what I weighed on it last week:eek: ... I was in the nude and I guess oh god i'm rambling again!!!!! I don't know if i've lost any weight!!!! I will have to wait until Thursday when I go to Weightwatchers and get on her scales... I sort have incorporated re-feed and weightwatchers so I guess i've messed up my re-feed... As from today I have started the points system and I get 18 a day:( , I know it sounds sad but I can remember being on 24 and struggling so today has been very very interesting..... I have done nothing all day and I mean nothing apart from feeding the dogs and the wonderful poop scoop.... I have just sat down watched tv and talking all day....My phone bill is going to be massive.... I have a day out tomorrow i'm going to Birmingham on the train and i'm going to stay up ther for the night and come home on Thursday... I am going to see my friend who has christmas stalls somewhere, so I guess the day will be full of walking and looking for christmas markets:)..I am really looking forward to seeing him but the food thing is always an issue with him-- he eats like a horse and is sooo thin I hate him:mad: , well I hate how he burns it off!!!! Well going now to pack and book train tickets etc and will come back on Thursday ready to go to London in the night to see the lights- Each year I just get in the car normally full of hang- ons, and go see the christmas lights:D .
 
Great day !!!! yes right!!!! Booked my ticket and was sooo happy to be going out for the day and woke up this morning with you guessed it!!! A swolen face and lip...... I have had enough... My daughter came in and asked why wasn't I ready.. Looked at me and said oh my god, thanks Tash made me feel good:( ... Well she decided for me that I couldn't go out with a face like that!!! I was so looking forward to seeing my friend:( .... Well today i've cleaned the draws in the kitchen every one and I really have tried to keep busy and then I get a call to say are you coming to the screening of the christmas special.... I promised I'd go and I just can't face all those questions did you get hurt, has your husband done it, I just tell the truth and no-one believes me.... My daughter thankfully was with me once when it just went up when I was cleaning my teeth.... This time she took a photo of me because she couldn't believe how swolen a lip can be.... I feel like a freak again this is begining to get stupid..... I have to wait for days to get the swelling down and I could cope if i'd been hurt and that was the result but I have done nothing.... I cannot get over that I have had a few weeks of no swelling and now its back:( ... I thought so many things but we have tried so many things from teeth to infection to alergyand i'm running out of option... Apart from that I have had a really good day diet ways, I am sticking to it even being temped by my favorite chips and curry that my daughter brought tonight and ate in front of me....I have to go and get weighed tomorrow and I hope the swelling goes down a little by then- I won't stay to class because I don't want a pile of strangers making judgement on me before they even know me. I have to be totally honest I would find it very hard to believe that I had not been punched I have been shown the photo and it looks really bad... I won't look in the mirror for anything, when I can talk and be able to close my mouth then I know its gone down.... Roll on tomorrow.... I have run out of the famous lettuce so I have to go out tomorrow to get my rabbit food....
 
Coming back on here is such a challange..I really thought I had the weight thing sorted and I would never be fat again,,Well as fat as I was... I was wrong:( so very very wrong..... I got weighed on Thursday and I bluffed my way with the woman saying its my first week eating and I guessed i'd weight heavier.. Well when I came down those steps and saw my husband waiting for me I could of cried... 5lbs on... I followed the re-feed to the t I did not cheat once and I put 5lbs on.... I joined weightwatchers to keep me on the path of loosing the final stone and I did tell her I was going to re-feed but wanted to join to keep myself going.... I put 5lbs on... The logical side of me thats a lie... The girls who answered my post told me it was the store filling up but I was told if you follow it to the t you don't get a huge weight gain.... Well it happened and that was that, but on Friday I went shopping with my daughters friend and we were in town for ages and she said she wanted a cookie, She was so good coming to show me where the shop was I just bought a box of 6 for her and she told me my daughter told her "not to feed me", little puppy can't be fed!!! Well Now I understand why she said it but at the time I was fuming!!!!! I ate a cookie and then had a half....just to prove I could if I wanted.....And it all crashed in from there, the old Sam reared her head and I ate and ate and ate and I didn't even care if I liked it I just ate everything that was available and I mean everything.... Then in the night my daughter came in and I said I wanted chips and curry.. she said can you have it and I gave her a mouthful of speel about saving my points and it would be ok:( :( ... I never knew my daughter new so much about me she got the chips but gave me a look..... The next day I all I can explain it was like I just couldn't stop putting things in and it just made me feel worse and then I ate more.... I never knew what a problem I have with food its major..... I was always fat because i ate too much but now i'm getting fat because I can't stop the shoveling in..... I spent the night hiding things from my family... We went to see the lights in London and I drove up so they could eat... I went into a service station and they went to the loo leaving 3 cookies on the seat... I just shoveled them in and threw the bag in the rubbish bin and told her it fell out when they grabbed their coats... I can not remember ever lying to my family like that before and when we got home I had to tell her and the worst part of it was she knew.... She stood in the service station watching me eat 3 cookie at once and didn't say anything when I lied to her, I was and am so ashamed of myself.... Food is a major hurdle I honestly thought I had conquored but boy have I kidded myself.... I was so ashamed I stayed in bed until mid day today because I couldn't get it into my head that I have a huge battle to win and I don't even know if I can.... I had porridge for breakfast and I went shopping to get food for my weeks work starting tomorrow, I just am so unhappy about going in and everyone asking how i'm going and I will have to say week 1 and struggling......I won't lie becuase it caused me so much heartache last night I can't go throught that again.... I seem to be controlled in every aspect of my life apart from eating..... I wouldn't mind swapping something i'm good at for the ability to not be in this position... I wanted to come on here and help people if only by giving them another point of view but I really feel I have let myself down so badly how can I even think of helping another being...... I will take it an hour a time and really try and deal with this thing but I honestly cannot hold out much hope for me... I didn't see it coming and I had no warning signs and i'm very worried i'll let it take over again....Oh to be in control....
 
I have been in work for the last few days and its been bliss:D . I get up at 6 then prepare my food for lunch, chicken and loads of free salad, in two tubs, an orange an apple and a yoghurt, I know it sounds loads but i'm in work for 12 hours... I get ready and then have porridge before I go... I never ever ate anything before 11am before so I really struggle with breakfast but i'm not going to get what happened on the weekend again!!!!!!! I have an apple about 11am and then depending on what time we break for lunch 12.45 or maybe as late as 2 I will have lunch, the apple tides me over so i'm not starving and it makes me eat my lunch instead of just swallowing it whole!!!, then about 4ish I have my orange and then when everyone has their sandwiches about 5ish I have my yoghurt, We finish about 7.30 and I am ready to eat then but I come home do the dogs and then prepare food- me I just said I prepare food!!!!!!! I usually avoid the kitchen like the plague but this is so important to me I will do the kitchen thing!!!! I cook a meal that is hot because I get fed up of cold things... I still drink 2 litres of water a day at least.. I try and make sure its a minimum of 2 ltrs and today for the first time in months I have a glass of diet pepsi but I havn't finished it, its funny how you really love something and 5 months later you can take or leave it and i'd rather leave it:) ..I have 2 more days left on this episode to film and I get 3 days off and that will be my Christmas holiday.. no more days off until Boxing day... I listen to poeple who have a normal life and sometimes I get quite jealous... Working 12 hours on Christmas day is not nice..... Oh listen to me, I should be grateful that I have work there are loads out there looking, Ok grow up Sam you chose to live with the mad mad man who's life revolves around this wierd life and get over it!!! Well that told me:D .... Going to do the dishes and look forward to another totally structured day where there is no chane to cheat... I hope that I can get off the weight that I gained on re-feed, i'm afraid to get on the scales for fear of not loosing anything so I won't get on them until I go to the pharmacy on Tuesday. I know I won't drop the 5lbs but to loose a few pounds would be great... Oh I have just had a call from my other half and I want to kill!!!!!!He is working odd shifts and Doesn't get in until 3am and he just asked me why was I ratty with him when he got home at 3am this morning... Bl**dy men... I get up at 6 and to be woken at 3 to say "i'm home", is not on!!!! I don't shake him awake when I get up and say hi i'm leaving now!!!!!! Gosh men!!!!!! oh.... how can you explain to a man I have 3 hours left in bed I don't want to spend them listening to you snoring because you woke me up!!!!Ok leaving before I kill. Oh and after I put the phone down he's sent a text " what have I done",,,, phone going off Sam going to bed....
 
Ok the day went bad from the minute I found a hedgehog in my bathroom at 6am:eek: , well thats sort of a half truth, I was washing and I looked in the mirror as you do and I saw my dog getting down at my toilet... Odd I thought and she got up with a hedgehog in her mouth!!!! Great I made her put her down and a dustpan and brush later down into the little toilet with the little mite.... I spent so much time sorting it out and making sure it was fed I didn't make any food for lunch... Oh never mind I thought I'd get catering!!! Well I went to work just making the call time- flipping hedgehog had to go and poo the minute I was going to leave.... A good morning but I was worried about the lunch and I went and asked the caterers if I could have a fish that wasn't covered in anything and grilled.... I had my lunch but I couldn't eat it:( .It was not cooked well and I put it in the microwave to try and cook it and it just exploded:eek: ... Well I finally got home early we wrapped 20 mins early and I had a friend to come and colect the hog, he has a great garden and can keep him safe over the winter... Well I havn't stopped itching even though he was one of the cleanest hogs I have ever seen, I keep thinking I have flees over me..... I guess i'd know if I had they'd bite.....:eek: . Ok was so hungry after the hardly any lunch and came home and had porridge instead of a meal, So now I don't have any sins left and I need to go shopping to get free food so off I go to Tesco....
 
Hi Sam,

Did your Chemist give you the Refeeding After Lipotrim Total Food Replacement Without Excessive Weight Regain Information?

"Days 4 -7 of the plan can be continued for several weeks - especially if you have lost a lot of weight - 5/6 stones or more -as you will need time to adjust to a different eating behaviour and quantities. Check your weight every week at the pharmacy; if it is going up, the action must be taken to address the type and quantities of foods eaten. The maintenance food products are advised during tis time to add extra control whilst adjusting to your new behaviour."

Sample menu for days 4 to 7...

Breakfast...LT serving

Lunch Sandwich with no spread - any low fat filling, eg tuna. Bowl of salad. 2 pieces of fruit ( if appropriate) or yogurt.

Dinner Spaghetti Bolognese, consisting of: drained lean mince, low fat sauce, 4ozs cooked spaghetti, serving spoon of vegetables.

Snack or Evening Tub of very low fat fromage fraise, flavoured to suit with either slices of fruit or low fat jelly crystals for a sweet option or herbs and spices with added crunchy vegetable, for a savoury snack.

Or Maintenance range - orange-creme drink or chocolate whip dessert.


Love Mini xxx
 
Hi mini, no is the answer she gave me 8 sachets and told me I didn't need any more... I did ask her about staying on then because i'd lost over 5 stone and I was told i'd have to do it for a few weeks but she was adament I only needed one week.... She made an appointment for next tuesday for me to get weighed, thats why I started the weightwatchers the next week, I asked about the maintenance shakes and she said I didn't need them, to be honest she doesn't have any in her room I've been in there for 5 months and there has never been any... Anyway I have been sticking to the weightwatchers like glue and I put on 5lbs in a week... I was gutted but i just guess it was what happened when I came off sadly... I have been working and couldn't go this week or next and she is having a week off the next week so I will be one month to weigh in with the weightwatchers woman... I havn't lost inches but I havn't put inches on just the weight... I will stick to it until I get weighed with her and then go from there... I was so unhappy but I now am poss that I will not get fat again I will do whatever is needed...I really would like to get to 10 stone but if I don't put any more on I will be ok with that... If I put weight on then there is a major problem because I am sticking to it totally!!!
 
hi sam i have just read all your diary and thorouly enjoyed it, well done on ur weight loss, hope i can do as well x
 
Hi angie, thanks so much:) , I sometimes feel that Its just a diary for me- i forget that others read:) , Its really good that you found it interesting sometimes when I am really down I just re-read and I feel silly, daft and proud and to be honest surprised that its me that had this chance to change my life.. I really hope you can keep going because when you reach a milestone like being able to do a pair of jeans up or seeing your toes:D , you will feel amazing... If you ever need anything just scream there are great people on here and I try and pop in each day, work permitting:D , Looking forward to reading all about your journey:) .
 
4 days and a million thoughts, 5 million promises and 500 million sorry's.... I have been off the rails and I mean as off as I can go:mad:.. I have been down since the great weigh in and I really didn't expect 5lbs but life just did it...And then Sam arrived the Sam I used to be... I was so down about the weight gain each morning I got up and said 100% today and by 5pm it was 10 % and by 8pm -100%, that has happened for 3 days and I have had enough of old Sam so today new Sam is back:eek: the one who should never have left.... I got on my scales this morning and cried yep me good old Sam just cried, what am I doing to myself again, binge eating and not even caring.... Well after all thats happened and its been a lot I realise I have to take control and give up on my dreaming.... I went to work today and everyone is saying oh you're looking good and I'm a fraud:eek: , I cheated on myself for 3 days solid and I want to sort myself out!!! I have had a really bad time and I should be in the end of year christmas party right now but I just can't face it!!!! I bought new clothes and I tried them on last night and my daughter says they are nice but because i'm so down I can't go there and pretend..... I will make some excuse and that will be that.... Oh Sam SamSam you are a idiot... I'm having a really tought time in my relationship and I just can't deal with it and I think its the eating thats my way of dealing with it, I always turn to food its the only thing I can rely on:( , I will not do it any more, its going to take me months to repair the damage I have done since I came off Lipotrim, 18 sins a day and I will do it.... I'm wittering but I just nead to type... I guess i'll never post this but it helps to waffle.... The great marriage is on the rocks big time and I really don't know if its worth fighting for, I go from "I want this we will work it out" to "I don't want this I want out!!!!!". Everyone thinks we have the perfect relationship and we only have joint friends so I can't even talk about it with anyone because they'll tell him in a blink of an eye:( . Why now when everything was going so good, why did it happen now when I was so looking forward to everything!!!!
 
Oh where do I start!!!! I have eaten everything in the world, havn't though about the diet or anything as far as me to be honest. I have a friend whos life has been totally devistated by her husband, he has been sleeping with prostitutes for over 3 years and used no protection and she found out that the last person he slept with was a woman with full blown aids.... I can honestly say I thought I knew enough to make my life safe but my god was I a fool!!!! I couldn't answer any of her questions and she went to the clinic and to be honest I felt she was just abandoned, come back in 2 weeks they told her!! Two weeks to know if she was going to die, I say this because she is in very poor heath and her imune system struggles with a cold let alone something like hiv.. Anyway I panicked and just didn't know what to do so I came on here and started a thread asking for help and low and behold you guys just gave me sooo much common sense and brought me back to thinking Sam not panicing Sam, and I went out and got help for her myself. Walking into places that I didn't know and a life I didn't have a clue about but I honestly can tell you I never felt afraid or uncomfortable, the people there were amazing and so calm and helpful. Everyone was so understanding and knowledgeable, even when their waiting lists were full they spent ages ringing around to find someone else who could see us. 3 months is a very long time if you're ill and she just had to know, we found a walk in clinic that did a test then and there and that half an hour was the longest of our lives!!! She was negative and the way we looked at it was 2 and a half years were wiped out just like that and I could see the relief in her face.... She has been given 3 sti's but as far as she is concerned thats ok as long as she lives..... I seem to be living this with her and the relief I felt was so massive I cannot begin to explain. We went and saw her family the other day because she didn't want them to see her if she becomes ill, thinking about 3 months seems so far away but she will get councilling each week and hopefully she will deal with it better with each session. If there was anything i've learn't about this its trust your instincts, she said to me over a year ago something was not right between them but she couldn't put a finger on it and if only she had acted on her instincts maybe she would have been saved all this.
 
Ok back to it... I went out and met an amazing bunch of people who post on here:D . I was very very nervous and I talked myself out of it so many times, Well I went and gosh am I so pleased I went, I had way too much to drink and way too much to eat but its made me realise I really need to do the last stone NOW not in a few weeks or if I put any weight on, I have to do it now!!!!!! So tomorrow I will be getting a exercise machine and starting tomorrow weight watchers here I come again.... I saw how amazing the girls looked and knew that if I just had a tad of their commitment I would be ok and i'm going to do it.... I don't do social occasions for a very important reason, and now right now I feel I can honestly say what it is.... I am partially deaf well more than partially- I have hearing 30% in my right ear and I lip read so being in a group makes me feel very nervious because I can't read everyone at once and I miss so much but I went out and told one very nice lady and it didn't seem a problem at all. I think I managed ok and hopefully I didn't offend anyone by not hearing them- well everyone said bye so I guess its ok:) I can honestly say with my had on my heart I had an wonderful evening and oh boy I still havn't got a voice:D .. Thank you everyone for making me sooo welcome.....
 
Glad you enjoyed yourself. You are a very special person, and you deserve the best. I am soooooo glad you came!
 
Hi BG Sam
It was an honour spending time in your company - what a dark horse you are though! There was me thinking you were a quiet wee thing and next thing I know, you're dragging me up onto the floor for a boogie!

It was great meeting someone like you who had the same hang-ups as myself: made me feel less 'freakish' that I knew someone who really understood.

I would never have known about your hearing problem earlier in the day and let's face it, in the club NOBODY could hear a thing and we all had to resort to shouting and lip reading ... it didn't seem to matter though - just being in each others company was fantastic. I hope to be able to meet you again one day. :)

Hope your voice gets back to normal soon and good luck with your new start at Weight Watchers.

((Hugs))
 
i am so glad you talked yourself into coming, you fitted in wonderfully & i for one had no idea about your deafness!
like we all said you ned to change you name now to Slimgirlsam :D
you looked fab in the georgeous green velvet, scrummy
xx:)
 
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