Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Marmite time! lol

I finally finished the front at 11am and then took my car to the local car wash, then switched it for Zoes and did the same with hers. So, sparkling cars on drive way and front of house looking good for the first time in ages. Me - knackered! lol

All that sweeping, cutting, spraying of weeds... must have spent almost 3 hours in all! Still, job well done AND I spoke to someone and they are going to do it all for me on July 1st so it's lovely when I get home too. Result!

Now for the back garden! lol

Have done a tiny bit more of the patio, also handwashed fave bra (not the new one) and red top and they'll be dry soon... got some texts from S asking if I was sunburnt yet, lol and to watch my nose! lol He's having a lovely day with his boys - it's great as will mean he can tell me all about it tonight - oh tonight - am still very nervous about that! More patio weeding to be done I think , take my mind off it!

Just had my mug of marmite and made a butterscotch mousse, as soon as its set I'm going to sit in the garden and ejnjoy it in the sunshine.

Am back in the bikini, lol... I love wearing it, feels really daft but so free! lol (perhaps I am a closet naturist!!) nah! lol never in a milllion... lol lol

Have just a couple of other garden bits to do... sweep cut grass that's on block paving where washing line is, and finish the patio and spray the weeds on block paving as can't be asked to pull them all up - would take hours! Also need to spray weeds at side of house.. hm.. might not have enough weedkiller - well, if it runs out, it runs out! simple as!

I need some more sunshine now.. lol.. so am back out to the garden... had nasty dream last night about this evening's date with S... hope it wasn't prophetic!

Fingers crossed xx

 

[sonkie]

Wow busy bee again I see......I cant believe your holiday is here already.....!
Hope you have a lovely relaxing break.....!

So are you up for tackling my garden then....now you have finished yours...?
I am not allowed to do heavy lifting etc so am not able....boo hoo. It all needs levelling, think if ex dont get his ass into gear and finish it I will have to get someone in to do it......I want to get the boys a trampoline ......!

 

[movingmountains]

Hi FFNF,
I've just spent a good few hours reading your thread! :wow: What more can I say except you totally inspire me!
Well done.
MM x

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Sonkie - no! lol Had my fill of gardening thanks! Looks good though and feel very pleased with the end result (although hope weeds are gone by July!)

MM - thank you GOod luck on your weight loss journey!

As for me - right now I am a bag of nerves.. new red top on (the one mum bought me last month and hates but I love), hair nice, carefully selected earrings... kitchen tidy (apart from table) Zoe soon to be despatched to boyfriends (actually, she had already said this was her plan), my stomach churning, vacuum cleaner out, just need to do living room and cloakroom.. then quick flick with duster and all set for S to arrive.

I am so nervous. Help!!!! He'll be here in about an hour!!! ARGH!!

 

[pandora]

& deep breath 2 3 4 5, exhale & again !
you'll be fine hun, just enjoy each others company
xx

 

[KittyB]

Hiya Jen.
Hope you have a lovely evening
Kitty xxx

 

[Redpam]

Hi Jenny

Do as Pandora says and then just relax.

Have a lovely evening. I am sure everything will be fine.

 

[jane]

Good morning!

lol Jane - I will try and practise the S & R techniques whilst on holiday and that will be a good basis for further practice when I get home lol
good cos i'll be testing you on it when you get back!
got that, and another 10 pairs knickers.. lol.. cotton "shorts" in - wait for it - size 12 -14!!!

that's really good.You need to shout it out v loud.

I've got s 12-14 knickers on ...
So - back to yesterday - oh yes.. Asda... got pants, cozzie, shampoo, deoderant, ladies items as TOTM due sometime whilst away (good! the heat will help my belly ache!), milk for Zoe and mozzie repellent. I've also started to take my antihistamines and am going to drink a mug of hot marmite each day now and take a jar with me (marmite or twiglets apparantly repel mozzies! as I can't do the twiglets I've plumped for the marmite - just as well I like it! lol)

Marmite!. I can sort of see how it might work.
you smeer it on your arms & legs.The mozzies not come near & everyone think you've got a fab tan, but won't it gewt all over your posh new skinny-minny knickers,not to mention the mess it'll make of the soft furninshings.
What happens when you go swimming? you have a sort of brown slick following you downthe pool!

Then it was off to the post office and hairdressers... ah I love having my hair done! Sooooo relaxing.. so Jane - lots of S & R!
Good every bit helps.

Started at 10.30am got out at 3.30pm! lol A whole flipping day of S & R!
er think we're going to have to work on this attitude a bit here.
I know I'll do loads of S & R today in the garden
Ah that's better
I did take the odd break to lay in the sun.. and I think I nodded off at one point!
MMm much better


On the food front - I had a fab prawn salad yesterday lunchtime... (3.45pm) I know.. not on AAM but I hadn't had any packs and I thought it was preferable to getting myself a Maccy D's too! lol.
Quite right.
i've just had a really foody w/E. All correct stuff (except fo the er cinnamon biccies on fri)& it's great.

It was yummy and I wasn't hungry at all - I had some soup and a muffin later and that was it.
Oh, Jane.. S really is a thouroughly decent human being. I am very nervous about this evening. I really don't know how things will be left ... but hopefully I shall do by the time I turn in for the night.. he isn't impulsive, lol, and yes, it's a very good thing! lol I missed not speaking to him at bedtime last night - lol silly. But hey, I won't be speaking to him at bedtime for 3 weeks! MY bedtime will be his breakfast time - OOOH... we might then! lololol
If he's as good & decent as he sounds, he will be worth waiting for & he'll be waitin gfor you too I hope!
Ho hum... right... this isn't getting the garden done and is eating into my potential S & R time! hee hee good good give the S&R it's full space

Catch up later! xxxxxx

Marmite time! lol


I need some more sunshine now.. lol.. so am back out to the garden... had nasty dream last night about this evening's date with S... hope it wasn't prophetic!
No it was anxiety driven!

Fingers crossed xx

all set for S to arrive.

I am so nervous. Help!!!! He'll be here in about an hour!!! ARGH!!

I hope you have a truely fab evening.wiil be waiting to here about it tomorrow.
Best of luck

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

All about S...

Good morning...

Well last night was weird. I was right to be nervous. I am still no further really where S is concerned, although, bless him, he arrived, first comment was a compliment about how I looked.. and when he came in he kissed me, BUT... we sat and talked. Well, he talked mainly.

He told me that he has still not sorted out his feelings and that it is absolutely nothing to do with that PWFH episode, it is to do with his feelings prior to that, and that he can't explain it at all. He is very run down and tired and is going to get a weeks holiday in whilst I am away. He said that he thought the holiday (mine) was good timing as he will use it to think on things and try to sort himself out. He says it is not me, it is totally him. That comment broke my heart and I can see my hopes shattering into tiny shards.. - my ex husband said it to me when he left me, so did a man who one day declared his love, bought me a diamond ring, went away with me and one day told me he had realised just how much I meant to him and then ended it all...with those immortal words... "It's not you - it's me".

We had a very honest talk and he hadn't realised that I don't actually go 'til Wednesday morning and so he said we will see each other again either tonight or tomorrow.

I told him how I've been feeling and he told me how he was really sorry for messing me around but he just doesn't know what he feels and what to do and that he isn't playing mind games and he is just being honest but that when I get home we will talk this way again and a decision will be made. He said we can't just drift and I agreed, and I do agree. A decision needs to be made but until he is able to do so, then it can't.

I simply told him it was easy for me, I want to be his girlfriend and that I miss his hugs.

We talked about how intense he was for those first 2 weeks, he talked mostly again... and that he doesn't know why but all of a sudden he started to back pedal.. I told him it was more like a reverse thrust.. lol

There were lighter moments too, but it was a pretty heavy evening of serious stuff. It all needed saying and although I think I know what the outcome will be (and I am trying not to cry at the moment, and failing miserably:cry I do know that he does care about and for me. He wants me to be in his life, even if just as a friend and I will have to decide when I get back if I can manage to have him in my life on that basis or not.

Seriously- I don't know, but probably yes, for a while.

We talked about texting and he said he really does love getting them and that on the worst days this week they are what put a smile on his face and made it all bearable.

He truly is a lovely and very special man.

He arrived at 9 and left just shortly after 10.

I went to bed and slept a very restless sleep and woke at 4.30 this morning. Oh, and TOTM arrived yesterday afternoon so belly ache too, but good news is that at least the worst of it will be over before I fly!

He, S, is all over the place emotionally at the moment - it's his turn to be the exhausted one. We had a hug before he left, and I thought neither of us was going to let go. There was a strange feeling.. and I thought I was going to cry but I held it all together and we parted with smiles and a gentle kiss.

I'm glad he came over and glad we talked as we did. We needed to. I'm looking forward to seeing him again and, more so than ever now, I am looking forward to my holiday.

Oh, I asked if I was still going to see Genesis with him... he said of course you daft cow! lol lol

So, its 5.50am and I am in tears and have belly ache and am tired.:sad0071: I'm going to the office to get on with things there - sooner I go in, sooner I can come home.

Think I'll set a limit of midday on things there, whatever's not done by then ain't gonna get done.

All I have to do at home is pack... already got out loads of stuff and thrown it on my bed and I will go and buy another suitcase after work too.

Garden looks great though, lol as does the house - all clean and tidy (I didn't realise TOTM was imminent but now, given the drive to clean and tidy I should have guessed!) lol

Well, it's another dawn another day, onward and upward, chin up, chest out and best foot forward and all that...

list of things to do at hand... collect antihistamines, get dogs vaccination book updated, go to bank for work, copy music cds to take with me, buy a personal cd player (can't remember how to work my damn mp3 player!), buy a suitcase, pack pack pack!!

 

[gonnadoit]

Sorry tonight was so difficult for you. I too hate TOTM! Especially in the summer when it's so darn hot!:grouphugg:

I hope you and he are able to come to a decision you'll be happy with when you get back from vacation.

Have a GREAT and SAFE trip!

 

[kazbro]

morning
sorry it wasn`t such a great evening for you
have to applaud this guy he is being honest
something tells me that maybe you being away will make him realise how much he misses you and in time he can take things further with you.
TOTM is a curse but as you say at least it will be almost over when you fly

it is hard but no more tears now, you need to stay happy for the holiday, i`m sure you will get a text or 3 while your away

good luck with the packing and be happy

kaz x

 

[jane]

Good morning...

Well last night was weird. I was right to be nervous. I am still no further really where S is concerned, although, bless him, he arrived, first comment was a compliment about how I looked.. and when he came in he kissed me, BUT... we sat and talked. Well, he talked mainly.

He told me that he has still not sorted out his feelings and that it is absolutely nothing to do with that PWFH episode, it is to do with his feelings prior to that, and that he can't explain it at all. He is very run down and tired and is going to get a weeks holiday in whilst I am away. He said that he thought the holiday (mine) was good timing as he will use it to think on things and try to sort himself out. He says it is not me, it is totally him.
I simply told him it was easy for me, I want to be his girlfriend and that I miss his hugs.

We talked about how intense he was for those first 2 weeks, he talked mostly again... and that he doesn't know why but all of a sudden he started to back pedal.. I told him it was more like a reverse thrust.. lol

He, S, is all over the place emotionally at the moment - it's his turn to be the exhausted one. We had a hug before he left, and I thought neither of us was going to let go. There was a strange feeling.. and I thought I was going to cry but I held it all together and we parted with smiles and a gentle kiss.

list of things to do at hand... collect antihistamines, get dogs vaccination book updated, go to bank for work, copy music cds to take with me, buy a personal cd player (can't remember how to work my damn mp3 player!), buy a suitcase, pack pack pack!!

Don't buy a cd-walkman. Mp3's are So much lighter smaller more versitile etc. the easiest way to load it is proabably to connect it to pc, open it from my computer & then copy whateve you want into it from CD's, or put the cd's into my music then copy them across.Then no CD's to transport etc.
Ah except thatsome cd's seem to go acreoos in MP3 format automaticaly but the occasional one doesn't. The newr MP3's have big colour screens so you can see what's in it & choose what to listen to. I've got about 8 different books on mine at present to cover various moods. eg Len Deighton, Terry Pratchet, & 5 volumes of I'm Sorry I haven't a clue. Don't do high-brow for MP3 that's not the point of it. Need an engrossing diversion & sometimes a good laugh.

Just had a thought...can one Email Mp3 files? Would you be interested in the I'm Sorry.. ones. I just love it.know many of the jokes off by heart but it doesn't stop me giggling.
I think I may have just offered to commit a felony, but BBC audio books have had plenty of hard currency from me over the years.

Now the important stuff. As I read it his life's bowl is rather full at present. He has strong feelings for you, I think that's pretty obvious. Do you think his doubts are more related to whether he can fit it in to his life without bursting rather than simply how he feels abot you?
Probably way off the mark. Either way I think you'll both benefit from a break & S & R.
Take a big hug from worcestershire.
Speek soon

 

[Isobel1965]

Jen, hun - you might not like what I'm going to say - but it's said with your best interests at heart and because I've been in your shoes with a similar type of man, whose failure to commit to a relationship nearly killed me.

This book changed my whole life and attitude towards relationships - Amazon.co.uk: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart: Books: Steven Carter,Julia Sokol

It describes a type of man who rushes headlong into wooing you, with soft words and implicit intentions of longterm happiness together, then inexplicably withdraws. It's not his fault - he really is confused, but nonetheless, his reluctance to commit to a relationship never goes away. They go on in this pattern, wreaking havoc on womens' hearts, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes because they are in love with the first flushes of being in love and then run away when it all becomes real.

My concern isn't him. It's you. How long are you prepared to wait for him to 'decide'?

I waited 9 months - every minute in writhing agony - every contact a painful reminder that I just couldn't give him what he needed. Until I read this book and realised that nothing I could have done would have made him want me - I had just become too close to him and he ran for the hills. Oh he did it nicely - said if he was going to commit to anyone, it would be me and how lovely I was etc etc. Then he got engaged to someone else, which kind of made me realise that he was not in control of his emotions enough to make him a worthy recipient of my love.

S may well be a lovely man - but he's not doing you much good right now, is he, hun? It's got to be about YOU and what he can bring to the table and how he can enhance YOUR life - not the other way around.

I hope you understand that I'm saying this out of concern for you and I do feel your pain.

I just want you to go on your super holiday - have the time of your life and put S to the back of your mind.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[cah-ching]

Hi Jennie,

Thinking of you. :hug99:

xxxx

 

[movingmountains]

Hi FFNF,
Sound advice from Isobel!
Like you I thought I'd found Mr Right! I fell head over hills the minute I saw him! He was 'one of the lads' and just wouldn't commit. So I finally sat him down we had a heart to heart...and 16 years, 3 kids later we're still going strong!
Talking straight is the best thing to do! You've done that now go and enjoy your holiday and things will sort themselves out either way soon.
At the end of the day its his loss if you decide you don't want to wait any longer or Mr Right finds you on holiday!
MM x

 

[sonkie]

Hope you get your packing done then relax and get into holiday mode.

 

[MadamDotty]

Hello my darling

Just spent an absolute age catching up with you and all your going ons in the last 10 days.

Sorry to hear that things have not really got anywhere with S, but like the others have already said go and have a fantastic holiday, try to put him to the back of your mind and see what the situation is when you get back. Enjoy your hol, you've waited and looked forward to it for so long, so make sure you have an absolutely wonderful time.

Take care

xxxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

glad I put my list on here... forgot all about the anti-histamines and dog thing so am off to do those now.

Found my mp3 player and Jane - you're a genius - it's a usb thingy doobry so although not a huge memory, enough for some fav tracks - that's a job for later though. Bedroom looks like a bomb site - clothes everywhere - jewellry everywhere... no idea where to start.. bought a lush purple suitcase but need to measure it as have sneaky suspicion it might exceed allowed dimensions! (I bought it coz it was purple!) lol

Went to work and had lots of lovely helpers and we got everything done by midday and then I went shopping. Got the suitcase (see above).. and a tankini set, and sandals, and cheap jewellry, and some incredibly cheap Aqua shoes as I think sis is going to take me diving.. um, what else.. oh yes! a really lovely full length white cotton skirt - that was a treat really and a bit pricey but I thought what the hell, better than cheering myself up with cakes!

Not sure how I feel at the moment - was too busy to text S this morning (apart from our usual morning exchange) and got a text from him basically asking if I was ok as not heard from me... gosh, if 3 hours has that impact - who knows what 3 weeks will do! I just hope and pray that his decision is the one I want.. lol.. but in the long run it has to be the right decision for him primarily as he has to be happy to live with the consequences. I will recover if we are not to be a couple, but he might live to regret it.. (get me! lololol - but you know what I mean???) I hope absence does make the heart grow fonder but am scared it will make him forget me.. and that wonderful first couple of weeks...

I have been crying on and off all morning and am so tired.. TOTM doesn't help.. plus I dunno where to start on this packing lark!

MUST get to vets before they close and get Brandy's vaccination card up to date or kennels will refuse to take him tomorrow! That's a job I'm not looking forward to either!

Right.. will answer your comments later, need to do these jobs first.

 

[pandora]

hi hun,
whatever happens, which ever road life takes you & S on, you'll allways be a special person & a wonderfull friend.
I hope things pan out how you want but your priority at the moment is YOU & a wonderful 3 weeks with your sister.
xx
(ps - check out my new JUDDDering thread , link below, xx)

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

hi hun,
whatever happens, which ever road life takes you & S on, you'll allways be a special person & a wonderfull friend.
I hope things pan out how you want but your priority at the moment is YOU & a wonderful 3 weeks with your sister.
xx
(ps - check out my new JUDDDering thread , link below, xx)

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: (in a very touched lovely way)