Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Jennie,

two things while I'm on here.

1. 11 stone- wow!! I was thinking about it last night and that is how much I weigh. A whole me (and I'm not flimsy!) divested of. I'm in awe of your achievement and in keeping going amid holidays, stress, change etc.

Lol, thanks.. almost done the 11stone... hopefully in the next couple of weeks

2. Re Lucy. I'm sort of thinking of what my wise therapist would say here. You have a good gut instinct. You are persistently feeling certain feelings around her. We pick up SO much of what we feel from non-verbal signals. Can I suggest that you are actually picking up on something she does to MAKE you feel insecure? Not on purpose probably no, but when you say she "unwittingly" flirts with all blokes- well, I'd say, that's prob not "unwittingly" fully. For whatever reasons of her own, it sounds like she needs to unconsciously compete for all available male attention in the vicinity and symbolically "kill off" female competition around her. That will have got worse (i.e she might have stepped it up ,again unconsciously) as you have begun to grow tentatively more confident in your attractiveness.
Some female friendships can happily survive that level of unconscious competitiveness- some might need a little bit more distance in order for them to be sustainable. Sounds like you would like some space without having an unconscious femininity battle go on- I say, don't feel guilty-go for it! You can still be friends, but while you're at this tranisitonal stage in your confidence, you need to hold the floor on your own sometimes. Go with your gut-it's time and again proved right for you.
(If you were inclined, the Freudian psychologist Karen Horney is someone who writes about this type of thing-I'm not just making it up, honest!)

Hmm, you know what, maybe it's ME that is the instigator of a femininity battle though, not Lucy... honestly, I don't think this is her.. I have thought loads about it and I know that for years I have always felt like the 'fat, ugly mate' when we went out, although when I was married it wasn't anywhere near as bad.

Now, and blimey, this is a bit deep for me on a Thursday morning!!... but... perhaps... once I was 'rejected & dejected' when ex unceremoniously dumped me for a younger more svelte model.. maybe THAT'S when the rot set in.... now I wasn't the one who was in a loving, secure (so I thought) relationship and had the comfort of the knowledge that at the end of a night out together, I was the one going home to a warm multi-purpose bed! (if you get my drift?)

Perhaps... and I have no idea what Freud would say about all this as I've long since forgotten my studies on him and his cocaine-hazed findings.. lol... but perhaps... finding myself 'single' and going out as a fellow singleton placed ME in competitive mode.. a competition, I have to say, I had no chance of ever winning! so, I set myself up for repeated negative experiences...

It doesn't happen EVERY time we go out.. I'm ok when we go to gigs, the cinema., the book club we used to belong to... church events... basically anywhere where we aren't likely to meet any fellas and speak to them.. LMAO

As soon as we are in a situation with 'available' men, I become this insecure flipping worrywart who often can barely string a sentence together!

I honestly don't think she does anything to MAKE me feel this way, I do think it is just me being a twerp!

I contacted my mate who'd asked me to the quiz and asked if I could invite Lucy and she said no... lol.. it was for teams of 4 and she chose me and I was her guest. So, now I can go and not feel guilty about it. Result!

I have suggested we (me and Lucy) go out one evening next week though... and of course we will be at the quiz as per on Sunday.

sorry for early morning ramblings, been meaning to say it for days
xx

Hey, it's good to see you! You're so very welcome anytime! Thank you for helping me see things a bit clearer.. you, Mich and Cheryl have all made me think hard about why I feel the way I do, and what to do about it.

Whilst I feel this way, I think that some 'holding the floor alone' is a very splendid idea.. and one I am going to go for. Just whilst I find my own niche and my feet... (will also be having a serious word with meself about things!) lol

xxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Thursday already!

Can't believe it's gone midday already! Feel like I've been up for ever! I had diet coke last night at the pub and didn't get to sleep until about flippin 2am again! Woke up at 7, jumped out of bed and then threw myself into some housework! WTF!! lol

The dog was in shock as I had already ignored his 5am barking (simply didn't react and ignored him - forgot to put his bed in kitchen last night so will do maybe do that later..).. so up and at it was the thing this morning!

Neck still bad but MUCH better, blitzed Zoe's room, sack full of rubbish now removed, bed stripped, bedding in washing machine, windows open to air it (dead stuffy in there), dirty clothes now filled the wash basket!! Just need to vac and polish and remake bed and it will be lovely for her to come home to Saturday.

She had a lush black dress screwed up in there - brand new, tags still on it.. so I tried it on.. it's a size 16 from Next... it fitted like a dream! So... I may well, um... 'borrow' it for the murder mystery evening and wear my black sheer card with it (it's a sleeveless dress)... felt dead classy in it!

All that done and it was time for work - got there and it was straight into an accounts meeting. Brilliant! Loads accomplished and a mega list of action points to tackle but nothing scary and am feeling very positive about it.

Jobs paper day today , so, on way home I shall pick up a copy and peruse it at my leisure! Got an application form for a job I saw in last weeks paper - will fill that in this afternoon too and drop that off whilst sending Sarah's post on to her.. including her gift from Tobago (the most beautiful green cotton wrap I could find.. and a bracelet... and a bar of Guinness Milk Chocolate Truffle (which has been screeching at me all damn week to eat it!!) lol

I also suggested to S.... in response to his 'Good morning' text... that we meet for lunch or dinner one day next week (not Weds) to catch up as 'I have a lot to waffle on about'... his response was instant! 'Love to, lets arrange it after the weekend', so that's good. Will be great to tell him all about Bournemouth, the bike meet, and this weekends events! Will be nice to hear how he's doing with his crises too. Not sure where the confidence came from to ask him, but as we are mates there's no pressure so it was pretty easy! (Of course, when the time comes I shall be phaffing about trying to decided what to wear etc! lol)

I'm so looking forward to trying on the leathers! I know the odds are they won't fit, but heck, even trying them will be something I never thought I would do.. and.. if I DO get back into bikes then I know I will be able to get some that do fit.

Rang my Zoe this morning to sing 'RUBY RUBY RUBY RUBYYYY' to her as it was on the radio in the car.... lol... we had a right giggle and she had to go and get ready for work... lol Looking forward to having her home again for a week (although when she is I may not like the mess, noise, etc etc... lmao)

House looking ok... I do feel a bit of a cleaning 'urge' but neck aching again at the moment so need to listen to my body.. I took a tab this morning and it hasn't been 4 hours yet... so... maybe take it a bit easier for a couple of hours and then when full of painkillers I can attack things! lol

I did unpack 2 suitcase t'other day though and they are nicely stored in one of the spare rooms.. just got one more to go (its on the living room floor!!) It's my lurvely purple one with no handles (courtesy of Virgin Atlantic Baggage Handlers!) so dragging it upstairs should be fun! It isn't full though so won't be heavy. No clothes just crap! lol

The dog and I both enjoyed his walk last night, so, perhaps a stomp around the lakes (weather permitting) might be in order this afternoon/evening whilst light! I definitely need to keep moving around though - sitting still due to neck was terrible!

Right - time to leave the orifice for a while! Loads to do here and looking forward to doing it all (believe it or not!).

Catch up laters.. think I might sort out my holiday pics and take them to be printed... quite fancy the idea of putting together and album of this trip... hmm... another thing to add to the list.. lol

 

[westiegirl]

Hi Jennie

Gotta be quick because lunch is almost over.

Re the Lucy issue, and being competition, the fact that you feel useless and feel "the ugly fat mate" is just left over from a previous life. That is no longer you!

You are wonderful and gorgeous, but you still don't believe it. I kept looking at you on Saturday night and thinking how tiny you looked. The men were flocking to you like bees to honey and remember I had to remind you that you could do better. You just haven't got your head around who you are now. When you do, you will go out with her on equal terms. The trouble is that when you are out with her you feel inferior, therefore act inferior, and people pick up on it when you are down on yourself. Remember how you were pointing out things about yourself on Saturday to me, but I hadn't even noticed until you said! It was funny but Andrea said to me on Saturday night how much more confident I was than you - I laughed at her and said it was only because I was acting that way on Saturday night - I'm not usually like that!

Believe it please - you are wonderful and I am proud to have you as a friend!

 

[pandora]

i'd just like to second what Sarah has said, cos i'm naff at putting down what i think/feel.
you are gorgeous & wonderful BELIEVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xx

 

[westiegirl]

i'd just like to second what Sarah has said, cos i'm naff at putting down what i think/feel.
you are gorgeous & wonderful BELIEVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xx

And you missus, stop putting yourself down too!

You're fabulous too, and thanks to you I bought a magazine on card making today because I loved the one you made on Saturday!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Hi Sarah

Thanks for the message - I do remember you saying that on Saturday night.. lol and thank you for watching out for me like you did too!

Just give me time, it'll all slot into place one day I'm sure

Right - today - Friday, oh, and it's apparantly the 13th!

Went to bed very early last night having spent the afternoon whizzing around doing odd jobs and housework and took the dog on a really long walk around the town. Felt the need for fresh air and some exercise. Neck still improving but not better so am keeping appointment with the Dr this am. (have to be there at 10.30 so out of here by 10.10 at the latest.

Was in bed at 10pm, having sat through Big Brother - what a lot of wallies they are in there this year.. shan't bother watching it again. So.. Paul McKenna lulled me to sleep. I tried locking the dog in the kitchen but after an hour of barking I gave in and let him back into the living room with the threat of death if he should wake me early!

sent S a standard goodnight text and closed my eyes and started counting back from 300... last thing I recall was 285 lol (knew I was tired!)

Well.. so much for the early night - the first phone call came at 11.30pm from Tobago... it was a guy who had tried to teach me to dance.. I'll call him The Dancer as that was what we did every time we saw each other out and about. In fact, he was the first man on the island I had a dance with and then he sat me down and warned me what the men are like there. LOL (Will put a pic up here soon of him attempting to teach me!!) Bless him. He is a very nice person, terribly poor, with a family to support, but a great heart and wonderful 'spirit' to him. We had agreed to be penpals.. although I don't think he can write all that well. He rang for a chat.. so.. although it was only 10 minutes it was enough to break my sleep...

The next call came at 12.30am from The Babysitter!!! I swear, they must've been in cahoots! lmao (actually, that is HIGHLY unlikely!). He rang because he had said (way back at the beginning of the hols) that he would like to stay in touch and, at that time, we trusted him (as he knew my sis for 7 years!!).. I'd forgotten he had my number... in any case.. another 20 minutes of being woken up and updated on life in Tobago (although I already am being updated daily by my sis - will tell you about THAT another time! (she's not back there... yet..)!!!

Drifted back (with the aid once again of the lovely Mr McKenna) and at 1.30am I got a text from Zoe!! Argh!!! She wants me to collect her tonight! I can't - I'm out and she's working until 11 and (once happy it wasn't an emergency) I basically told her to FO and let me sleep!! So... Mr McKenna got to send me to sleep 3 times! lol

I don't recall dreaming... and woke up before my alarm and had a wonderful hot steamy shower and feel really alive this morning! (as opposed to that ... 'I'm alive but just managing to keep me eyes open' feeling).

So... quick sort out of some bits and into the car and off to the market... Zoe coming home means food has to be bought.. I only got some mince and veggies so she can have a decent meal tomorrow. Not going too mad as I think she'll probably spend her time at her boyfriends place!

Got chatting to the roadsweeper - he's a real local character! lol His name's Ted and he is full of bits of trivia... always starts his sentence with either something to do with Bolton Wanderers.. or 'Here's a question for you' lol Todays question was 'where does sound travel farthest?' I am like that woman in Catherine Tait's sketches.. I always make a ridiculous guess.. lol... and am usually wrong.. today was no exception and I was soon told the answer - in water!

He asked me how did I know him, I always greet him with his name... so I told him I look a bit different and was a bit bigger.. he was dead funny and basically told me that I used to be a 'real wobbler'.. hmm... didn't like that very much. I know he meant to be complimentary, but, like others, instead of saying something positive about now, he said very negative stuff about the past... easy to do I guess.

Anyway. In the end it was ok and I didn't take offence as none was meant.

Got to work in good time (very early actually) and have steamed through loads! Off in a few mins so better shut up and do one more pretty major thing first.. tax related forms for the staff... blah! lol

Am going to discuss the surgery thing with Dr as well as my neck!

Catch up later! (Oh, and I dropped off a cd of pics to be developed so this afternoon will have 150 of my fave ones to sit and drool over and shove in an album!) Looking forward to that loads! toodle pip fer now! xx

 

[westiegirl]

Catch up later! (Oh, and I dropped off a cd of pics to be developed so this afternoon will have 150 of my fave ones to sit and drool over and shove in an album!) Looking forward to that loads! toodle pip fer now! xx

Nah, nah, I beat ya. I dropped mine off on Monday to be developed - 367 of them!!! Took me the whole evening to put them into albums on Wednesday!!!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Nah, nah, I beat ya. I dropped mine off on Monday to be developed - 367 of them!!! Took me the whole evening to put them into albums on Wednesday!!!

LOL I just got home and had a look at mine... lol

I just the 'best' ones but am sorely tempted to have the remaining 430 done too! lol Nah... won't do that... think I've missed some though... might have to sit and go through them ALL over again!

I was worse last summer... I took almost 900 pics and have yet to choose the ones to print off! MUST add that to my list of 'to dos' lol

Went to see Doc this am. Very good appointment - apparantly I've clicked my neck out.. so nurofen+ it is for now! He did offer to send me to an osteo but said it will go back itself in time.. so time it is! lol

As for the skin issues... he agreed to my suggestion that I send some photos with a covering letter to those who make the decisions and ask them not to expect me to shed another 17lbs as it is a lot! I'm going to get Zoe to take some photos of me in me undies (yuk - NOT a pretty sight!) for their benefit! Needs must and all that!

Nasty weather here... what happened to the sunshine we were promised!!?? Hope it comes tomorrow!

 

[KittyB]

Hi Jennie,
It's pretty crappy weather over here too

Fingers crossed the photos and letter will bring the result you want

I might have to invest in a PMc CD if he manages to get people off to sleep, it drives me mad when I can't sleep at night.

Hope you have a fab time at the quiz.
K xxx

 

[westiegirl]

LOL I just got home and had a look at mine... lol

I just the 'best' ones but am sorely tempted to have the remaining 430 done too! lol Nah... won't do that... think I've missed some though... might have to sit and go through them ALL over again!

I was worse last summer... I took almost 900 pics and have yet to choose the ones to print off! MUST add that to my list of 'to dos' lol

They were just my best ones lol! I'm a bit shutter happy like you are! Used to drive my ex mad!

I might have to invest in a PMc CD if he manages to get people off to sleep, it drives me mad when I can't sleep at night.

Hope you have a fab time at the quiz.
K xxx

It does work Kitty, I fall asleep everytime I listen - I put him on last night at 7.15pm for a quick boost but didn't wake up until 9.20pm lol!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Hi Jennie,
It's pretty crappy weather over here too

Fingers crossed the photos and letter will bring the result you want

I might have to invest in a PMc CD if he manages to get people off to sleep, it drives me mad when I can't sleep at night.

Hope you have a fab time at the quiz.
K xxx

Thanks Kitty Definitely worth getting the cd & book!

Looking forward to the quiz and trying to decide what to wear - jeans and the top in my avatar with a cardi or the skirt I've worn all day with a full sleeved top which I feel really nice in too... hmm... got 15 mins to decide... lol

Prob stay as I am as I have felt good all day like this so tonight would be more of the same!

They were just my best ones lol! I'm a bit shutter happy like you are! Used to drive my ex mad!

Tee hee! LONG LIVE THE SHUTTER HAPPY PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD!!! lol lol

 

[jane]

Just caught up on your diarydelightfu las usual.
one Q re the extra weight to lose to try & convince pct to pay for the op, you say another 17lbs would be too much (of course there'll be quite a bit more lost when the skin is removed) so how much do you intend to lose?
Are you goingto the end of your ticker & no further?

Have you decided to wearth black no from Soe's floor for definate? I would .Sounds really smart!

 

[sonkie]

Hope the letter and pictures help them to make the decision you want hun.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

What a time! Can't believe it's been so long since I logged on here.. but life has been a bit crazy. I wore the dress and felt great in it when standing up but when sitting I felt it was far too revealing.. so probably won't borrow it again.

Fab night - will drone about it later.. just really wanted to get off my chest that Saturday afternoon at the church BBQ was the beginning of a real nose-dive diet-wise for me. I'd started the day off badly to be honest... picked Zoe up and ate some of the sweetmeats she'd brought home for her fella! They were lush but I'd had no packs and they really got my taste buds into a frenzy! Later at the BBQ I had a plate stacked up with veg kebabs, chicken and salmon and a ton of salad.. and in the evening at the wine bar there was loads of delish food etc around and they put a ramekin of peanuts on the table and that was it! They were gone! I'd virtually single-handedly scoffed the whole damn lot! When I got home I wanted to eat.. so I begged Zoe to give me some of her chinese, she refused (thankfully)... Sunday started off ok but as soon as I got in from church I was so hungry I had a soup and then scoffed a massive bowl of salad with apricot and apple chutney! I ended up throwing the jar in the bin to stop me having any more!

Then I took dog out for walk and then I went to pics and then when home started chomping some of Zoe's leftover chinese takeaway that's calling to me from inside the fridge! this was at about 11.30 pm. I went to bed cross that I had had some of it and some prawn crackers too! ARGH!!

Today I did great until 1pm and I got in from work and headed straight to the fridge and made a huge salad, this time with red onion marmalade (which is now in the bin as I ate 1/3 of the jar and knew I would continue!!

at @pm I trundled off to thepost offive.. bought a chomp bar (110 cals) and a 'big orange segment' quality street chocolate. The thing is, I feel bloated and stuffed now but stil want to eat!

glad I'm seeing Ailsa this evening !!!

 

[Gen]

Please please please please please do not continue SS'ing if you cannot get back on it 100%.... Jennie it happened to me and I put all of my weight back on... when I thought that it would never happen because I totally loved being the slimmer me!!

Unless you come away from Ailsa's tonight totally inspired please have a think about what route you take from here.

I'm only saying this cos you look brill and it would be a shame to waste all of your hard work chasing the SS dragon.

I cannot explain how much I was convinced I would never put back on any weight but I was totally!!! And you post is exactly how I started putting it back on.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

 

[sonkie]

Hey Jennie, Gen has given some great advice there, maybe do a different programme instead of ssing, or even something like WW or SW. You have done so bloody well, you dont want to ruin your fabulous work.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Right, I've just popped on as I had intended a very early night (went to bed at 7.45pm) but the dog and my mobile phone had other plans for me., so, I'm awake and just briefly going to post about today.

Gen (and Sonkie), thank you, but I did have a lovely long chat with Ailsa today and feel optimistic about the coming weeks.

I met up with Ailsa and she weighed me, the damage was minimal, just over 1lb gain. She thinks it might even just be fluid, but even so, I know what I've consumed this week and mostly since Saturday morning. We had a very deep discussion and I am happy and confident that this week is going to be a good one.

I stopped on the way home to get some caffeine free diet coke (I am certain that I have got back my addiction for diet coke since drinking it for the last 5 weeks and the caffeine too.. so hadn't had any since yesterday and think that is partly why I have been feeling the way I have today.) Anyway - she suggested getting caffeine free and so I did. Whilst there I was sorely tempted to buy a doughnut or a cake.. but I didn't! I literally stood there and said out loud "NO!" I was incredulous as I really had such a strong urge to. All I could do was stare at them and think how hard I've worked to get this far and that if I can just hang in there a bit longer that one day I might have a doughnut again, but not today. Not when I am struggling to take control again.

So... loo rolls, caffeine free diet coke, a newspaper and kitchen rolls are all that made it into my trolley. I left feelimg stronger and better about things.

Got home and made a choc mint muffin - this took care of my craving for something sweet, and I made a point of getting lots of choc mint packs for the coming week as I anticipate some emotional crud but am hoping not, on Friday.

I also asked Zoe not to have any more takeaways whilst she's home this week. It wasn't her fault, it was totally my choice, but I want to keep temptation at bay whilst I feel this way.

I did break down and cry on Zoe's shoulder just before she went to stay at her boyfriends.. just a wobble about my ex. It is coming up to our wedding anniversary and, cruelly I think, his 1st wedding anniversary to his new wife on the very same date (Friday).

I also have to make a difficult call on Friday but am hoping that will bear nothing but good news. Can't say more than that.

I know too that I 'feel' pre-menstrual, yet, I can't be - surely! Then again, my TOTM is a bit messed up since hols so who the heck can tell! lol

Still.. ultimately, the gain was small and I have my packs for the week ahead and I showed at least a modicum of control this evening on my way home. I'm going back to bed now and will plug my ears tonight as the dog woke me at 3am, 5am and 6am this morning and to be honest, if he does it to me again I am liable to bundle him in the car and take him to the nearest dog warden! I need my sleep!

Will have a read on the site tomorrow... oh.. and just so's you know I'm not a total depressive.. lol... I did have a giggle with Zoe yesterday when she found an old bra of mine and we put a head in each cup and took some silly photos. Will post them tomorrow. Too tired tonight. Night night xx

 

[pandora]

you are a truly strong woman & if you feel you still have it in you to SS then go for it. I wish i had half your strength & conviction
xx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

you are a truly strong woman & if you feel you still have it in you to SS then go for it. I wish i had half your strength & conviction
xx

Thanks Cheryl

I'm going to give it my best shot and, if I find that I can't do it then I shall talk to Ailsa and work out the best way forward for me. I'm so glad I am not walking this path alone.

Love ya

xxxxxxxx

 

[Gen]

You have a real diamond in Ailsa there... but ya don't need me to tell ya that

Well done and I'm soooo chuffed you are back and inspired!!! you will make it Jennie and I'm very happy for you

xxx