Saturday - it all hit the fan!!!! (sorry - VERY long post!)
Saturday 25th August
Yet again an early wake up – despite the broken night! What IS going on! Lol So – up and at ‘em! First thing I did was clear off the top of my wardrobes and put aside stuff for car boot sale… had a mooch through the 2 boxes of presents stashed there too (I buy Christmas/birthday gifts as and when I see something I think someone I love would like to receive
It makes Christmas more bearable financially! Lol
Then I moved my attentions to the over-stairs cupboard – oh my word… I know have a whole box full of videos ready to car boot at 50p a time! Lol
I came downstairs to see if pc was going to behave any better – nope! GRRRR! Took vac upstairs and cleared up remnants of pigs trotter (yukk, note to self – DON’T buy another one!).
Rooted out a couple of my gifts for the Motorbike club charity auction on Monday.. nice things. John Lewis Roulette set and some really nice candles (dead posh!) lol. Took them downstairs to make sure they were taken with the cakes. Vac back downstairs and decided to vac kitchen again and generally clean up. (Not much mess mind you – I hate leaving a messy kitchen). TOTM arrived with a vengeance. Good! Hopefully it will help the weight loss a bit this week as I ate Thursday and Friday and there was a BBQ to go to yet plus the weekend with my sis!
The sun was out too! (Oh I love the sun!) So… more washing to be done! Lol Towels this time… I hate washing towels as they send my washing machine into a major epileptic fit which I’m sure would measure very highly on the Richter Scale! Those done and on the line, me showered and ready to face the days challenges, dog sunbathing, cat curled up on boxes in study, Jazz love songs cd playing on the telly.. pint of sugar free appleade and choc mint muffin to hand… what bliss!!
The lads came to get the cakes and prizes nice and early so I made a batch of marinade and threw in some veg and another bowl full of chicken in the same marinade, kebab skewers soaking in water and I was half way ready to go to BBQ later in afternoon. PC still not happy so did a clean up thingy doo-dah on it. I guess time will tell if it works!
Couldn’t help but think about Blueeyes and how he had behaved. Got a text from him apologizing and saying he wouldn’t do it again (still have the original of that from last week!) and that he hoped he hadn’t blown it (see previous comment!)… and the he was afraid he was going to get very hurt!! Now, I’m sorry, but, is that not a form of pressure?? I mean, am I supposed to see someone just because if I don’t they will be hurt???? I wasn’t happy. Texted him back saying I’d had a lovely evening with him but felt it had ended badly and that we should discuss it.
He rang me. We had almost to the word, precisely the same conversation that we’d had before… I wasn’t harsh though, I had been lovely with him, I thought we’d moved on and got beyond his behaviour (and my reactions) of last week… not the case, it was the same thing all over again. More promises and apologies, heartfelt and sincerely meant I am sure. I had a very uncomfortable feeling about it all though. He yet again said that he hadn’t wanted last night to end.. but I told him it had to and that it had reached a very natural and lovely conclusion and then he did what he did!! AGAIN!!! He said he knew and he was sorry. He said all the same things as before… ‘I screwed up’ ‘I’m pressuring you’, ‘I’ve made a mistake, I will learn from it’… well, sorry, but at 48 he should know how to behave and , when it was made clear to him from the off that pressure wouldn’t be tolerated and wasn’t welcomed, he should have listened. I so wish he had. (Listened).
It was a difficult conversation but ended without any form of conclusion other than that he was insecure and afraid of being hurt (no pressure there then eh!!!??) . I ended the conversation as he was at work and I had things to do. Said we’d talk again later.
I got on with things, had a shower and washed my hair and started to get ready for the BBQ my friends in Langford (near Biggleswade) were having. I wasn’t really in the mood to go but figured that as I had already promised (and I am a woman of my word) and I had the food almost ready… I would make the effort as once there I knew I would enjoy. Plus, the sun was out! Lol
I came across a card that had been handed to me in the street the other weekend, it was about P.A.D.I courses.. now.. this is NOT how to be an person of oirish descent :giggle:
It’s a scuba diving course which enables you to dive anywhere in the world (to a certain depth) and would mean that next summer I could go diving on hols with mum! I rang the number and had a lovely chat with a very very helpful young lady… the upshot being… I am going to start my training mid-october! How cool is that!! Lol
I reckon by then I should be able to afford it and it is, if you like, my ‘reward’ to myself for losing the weight!
I am very excited at the prospect of it all and of having an Open Water diving qualification and getting back into a wet suit! Lol Very exciting!
Quick trip to petrol station and I bought a replacement coolbag (remember the one that split when I saw Browneyes?) for less than £3!! M& S one – huge thing, got the kebabs in it and a box of cans of Coke Zero (Lordy I wish I could kick the coke habit again!! Lol Perhaps next week…) Wonder if that’s why I’m not sleeping for as long… all that caffeine!! Hmm… could be… anyway… off to the BBQ went I… had a text from Blueeyes… telling me he was afraid he’d screwed up, that he was a really nice man and a good catch, not many like him these days… sorry for his behaviour… etc etc etc… I fired one back saying he didn’t have a monopoly on nice and fear of being hurt! I wasn’t harsh, just honest. Told him I would call when on way home from BBQ.
BBQ was ace! Only 7 of us there and it was lovely – very very relaxing… I cooked my food, had a lovely afternoon in the sunshine… got interrogated about Blueeyes (he was originally supposed to come with me but – thankfully – he was working). I found myself telling them all about him and the events of the last 2 weeks… how I felt about it all… without exception they told me they didn’t think my heart was in it and that he sounded a bit too much and in some ways a bit controlling (emotional blackmail, clothes, pressure etc). They only verbalized all my fears and feelings to be honest. I felt quite sad.
As I left I knew what I had to do, and not because of my friends comments, but because in my heart of hearts I know it is the right thing to do for the both of us. So, I called him, I wanted to meet him and let him down gently and face to face – I think that is the best and most honest and decent way to be. It was a difficult call to make but I made it. I waited until I knew he had finished work too… I told him we needed to meet and talk. He guessed why and asked me if it was open to negotiation and that he was really sorry about his behaviour and knew he had co*ked up. I told him no, it wasn’t open for negotiation but that I felt it was essential to talk face to face and that he would understand why when we met. He pushed and pushed on the phone so in the end I said that if he wanted me to do it over the phone I would but that it wasn’t how I felt it should be and that I think face to face communication is far clearer, leaves nothing misunderstood and is the grown up and decent and honest way to do things but if he didn’t want to then that was fine and we could have the conversation right then ( I was driving and had handsfree on). He backed down and said no, he’d like to meet (I knew he would)… so we agreed to meet at 8.30 and I went straight there to a pub halfway between our homes.
I got there early and he rang to ask how far I’d got. I told him I was already there and he asked me to get the drinks in, which of course I had intended to do, but agreed and said I would find us a table outside somewhere quiet.
I saw him pull into the car park. He joined me at the table and we had an awkward hug and greeting kiss (where he tried to shove his tongue in me mouth! – persistent or what!!). He was wearing Joop again, and another nice shirt. Don’t get me wrong, he has style, smells good and the most engaging eyes… but there is this whole smothering business and not listening and pushing to the edge thing going on too… if it was just lust then fine and dandy, I could cope with that, but it isn’t… it’s so much more… I think it’s about control - in a very subtle, possibly sub-conscious way too.
We sat opposite one another and the conversation began.. I told him that I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship he wanted and was so clearly willing and able to give. That I believed the timing was all wrong for ‘us’ and that I couldn’t handle the pressure. He told me that this was the 3rd time recently that he had heard this said to him! I was stunned… I said that maybe he should reflect on that and why 3 women, all independent of one another, had said the same thing… I said there were a number of possibilities, one of which could be that all the women on the dating site are not ready for a relationship and shouldn’t be on there (although I have to say, I think that isn’t the case and I think that all 3 of us had the same experience of smothering etc…)… we didn’t venture what the other options were. I didn’t want him to feel bad about himself as he was already crying like a baby by now… I felt sorry for him… he told me that he knew he was going to end up being really hurt… so I asked him if he felt that it was right and fair to continue seeing someone just because you didn’t want to hurt them? And how much more it would hurt further down the line? I asked him if he realised it was emotional pressure to tell someone that so early on in any relationship and that he really need to get a handle on the fact that we’ve only been seeing each other for a fortnight. He looked at his watch and kept saying… ‘this time 2 weeks ago…’. I just sighed. He hadn’t a clue about what I was trying to say to him.
It was very difficult, I told him I didn’t want him to beat himself up over it (he was sniffling into his hankie at this point)… and that it wasn’t him, it was me… (I hate that line, but oh my goodness I was glad of it!)… I had been clear from the start that I didn’t want long-term, live-in etc etc etc… I had told him from the off that I didn’t know what I wanted other than to date and go out and have some fun, which, quite frankly, we had done until he did the persistent pushy bit!!! I told him he was a very very special man and really really lovely and that another time it might be different and that there was a time in my life where I would have cut off my arms to have the kind of attention and relationship he had to offer, but not any more. I didn’t like to say – because I’m actually NOT desperate really that fussed right now!
I was really nice and very gentle and self-deprecating… and he still didn’t get it… he wants to be friends , I told him I didn’t think we could be just friends. (In my head I was thinking about me and S and how that feels and how hard it is for me and to be honest, I don’t want him to experience that…and trust me, I’m not being arrogant, but he WOULD!). He once again said he was sorry and would change and that he knew he had screwed up etc etc and could I please give him another chance.. I said no. That I was doing the best thing for both of us, even though it didn’t feel that way. I told him that we couldn’t see one another again and if he wanted the clothes back I would give them to him as I didn’t want him to feel he had been used in any way whatsoever. I offered to pay for them… I offered him back the clothes rail… he declined all the offers and said he had given me those gifts because he wanted to. So I repeated that I didn’t want him to ever feel I had used him because I hadn’t. He said he knew that.
He was still crying and I felt so bad, but I had to do it. You can’t stay with someone because they make you feel guilty… we finished our drinks and he said he would walk me to the car. He had (not surprisingly) parked next to me… there were dozens of spaces.
We stood at the car and he said he would have liked to have met my girls… I told him that we had only known each other 2 weeks and that meeting family was so far in the distance in any relationship that it wasn’t even a dot on the horizon! He just didn’t get it, not at all… he said again how he was sorry for his behaviour at the end of Friday evening... and that he loved me and I was THE one for him and we were meant for each other – then he held me close and kissed me and tried to stick his tongue down my throat again… I just pulled away and said it was time for me to go. He started crying again and I got in my car and drove away.
On the way home I called in at the pub to see if my mates were there – to be honest I just wanted to chill out in good company for a few minutes. They weren’t there but I had a quick chat with the landlady and she told me there was stuff planned for tomorrow and if I could pop in before heading off to see sis she would love to see me there… no promises made but I did think that might be a nice way to start my ‘weekend away’… so then it was off home.
I got in and the light on the answerphone was flashing… there were 3 messages from Blueeyes… the first saying he was fine and had got home safely (wtf – it’s only 20mins!!) and that he wanted to talk.. (I didn’t!! It had all been said!!)… that if I was there could I please pick up the phone… next one was him sighing and hanging up, the third was him saying he really really wants to be my friend and thinks we could be great friends and I’m really special and that he’s fine… and that he didn’t think I wanted to talk to him…DING fricking DONG!! Is that a bell I hear ringing!! Perhaps he’s getting the picture – but wait – is he??? I mean… it never occurred to him for one second that I might not actually BE there sitting waiting to hear from him?? He just assumed I was ignoring him!
I lit a disposable BBQ and got the remaining chicken and veggie kebabs out of the cool bag…and then rang Sarah and we arranged to get onto msn whilst the BBQ was getting ready…
I ignored the answer phone messages and got online with Sarah and told her the goings on. When I told her off his declaring his undying love for me she was like ‘Woah mum – run!!!’ lol… I told her that was precisely what I had done and that I had done it with kid gloves too!!
We had a lovely chat and she showed me her photography portfolio (she’s in the throes of possibly changing her course at uni / dropping out)… so lots to discuss. At the end of the day, as long as she is healthy and happy I don’t mind what she does, it’s her choice, her life. You’re only 20 once and this is her time.
Whilst on msn Blueeyes sent me a text asking if I’d checked my answerphone! ARGH!!!!
I’m sorry to say that I lied and told him I was in bed, phone unplugged and would check in the morning. He replied with night night xxx
I think I’m going to have concussion if I bang my head on the walls for much longer!!
I ate my kebabs and then went to bed and watched the Amnesty International thing of Channel 4, make me giggle… then me and Paul snuggled down for the night…
